SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dragn I say this an observation and not as a criticism of you, because I do think you are still hurting a lot more than you care to admit to. But I have noticed that IMO your vent threads seem to often follow similar patterns. Stressing that these are just the opinions/thoughts of a fellow internet stranger.

A vent thread is started about some wayward behavior your wh is still exhibiting. Responses start coming in. You seem to start getting irritated and pissed that people aren't responding the way you want/expect or asking you questions about what you've posted. You reiterate repeatedly that you're never getting divorced so everyone stop suggesting that. Some farm emergency comes up so you leave to go take care of it. You come back and respond angrily to more posters. Another farm emergency comes up. It goes for pages and pages and pages. It ends.

I have also observed that many posters will write well thought out responses to you, honestly because you have a LOT of SIers that really truly care about you, but you will hone in on ONE sentence or word in their post (again IMO it's usually something that irritates you) and toss off a quick response to just that, while ignoring everything else they've said or any questions they've asked.

I'm sharing my observations with you because I've been here three years and I could probably find vent threads of yours from my first month here that are materially no different from this one. Ergo - you seem completely stuck in this cycle of resentment and hurt and frustration (and still living with the same ol wh doing the same ol wh things it's no surprise!) that just seems to go on and on and on. I'm sharing these observations with you just as food for thought. It hurts me for you - NO ONE should live like that. You deserve to not live like that! I totally understand how much you love your farm, but at what cost to your mental and emotional well-being?

So, this from my original response on this thread:

Its also true that he doesn't care if he hurts me because he knows i wont divorce.

And there's the sticky wicket. With NO real consequences for his continuing crappy behavior, what possible impetus is there for him to change Dragn? He hasn't yet and he likely won't so what can YOU do here? Forget him - what can YOU do to make your situation better for YOU other than just being furious 24/7?

Since for you divorce is not an option, what can YOU do to make YOUR situation better for YOU?

ETA: A common saying in 12-step circles - Nothing changes if nothing changes. He has demonstrated pretty clearly that he won't or can't change, so what can YOU change to make your life more peaceful?

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 11:31 PM, Thursday, January 13th]

A vent thread is started about some wayward behavior your wh is still exhibiting. Responses start coming in. You seem to start getting irritated and pissed that people aren't responding the way you want/expect or asking you questions about what you've posted. You reiterate repeatedly that you're never getting divorced so everyone stop suggesting that. Some farm emergency comes up so you leave to go take care of it. You come back and respond angrily to more posters. Another farm emergency comes up. It goes for pages and pages and pages. It ends.

Have i really had that many farm emergencies? Lol

I dont mean to come off as pissed. I am not pissed off. I really dont mean to reply angrily. It didnt help that the thread got derailed though.

I am very busy. I am very easily distracted especially assisting four kids with online learning right now.

Ask anyone on a farm if things ever go as planned, on schedule or easy. Nada. We also are a private exotic animal/reptile rescue. Todays feedings were chicken hearts and liver. That reminds me i need to pull a bag of chicks from the freezer, see easily distracted.

I also dont read the responses here on the site. I read the email notifications which was an issue because anyone posting from the new site, their replies went to my junk folder out of order to the ones going to my inbox. That seems to have stopped today. All replies today have gone to my inbox since i put SI emails on my VIP list.

I am also typing one handed. Not easy on this phone. Should be using voice to text, probably easier.

The only thing that is frustrating is the only 2 options acceptable here out of infidelity. R or D. Why is there no wiggle room to accept a persons decision to stay but not be in R?

No I'm not about to give up a life long dream because of him nor do i believe D is a consequence for him. It would mean freedom to be with anyone and do anything he wanted. Hes just to chicken to do it himself. Again I have to do everything and no not going to be the one to pull the plug on my dreams.

The reply to look forward even 10-20 was actually helpful. Kids will be soon out on their own if not gone, farm should be properly registered and whatnot to bring a decent profit etc.

I started this thread to find out if other waywards are as clueless about the things they say and do. Only have received a few replies that actually answered that.

what can YOU do to make YOUR situation better for YOU?

what can YOU change to make your life more peaceful?

What you don't understand is that we get along just fine when infidelity isn't brought up. Rugsweep and we get along just fine. The problem is i can't do that. Its a scar thats in my face every day. Sometimes i cannot ignore the elephant in the room and i need to vent it.

So either i can come here and vent it or i cannot.

I’m going to go all the way back to the beginning of this post. You said he was such a happy person and you guys had such a great life and then you got married and all hell broke loose. I’m guessing he’s a sex addict. What they hope by getting married is they can control the urges they have but it never happens because they need intensive therapy. Group therapy and private therapy with someone who is very well trained in sex addiction. He’s going to stick around as long as you stick around until he finds someone younger with no children. I hope you are prepared for whatever crazy stuff he decides to do because he’s going to go do something crazy. Past behavior is an indicator of future behavior.

So. You can't change others. Just yourself.

We're just about 5 years out from DD2.

My husband has a small list of things to do to repair the marriage.

He's not interested. Know how I know he's not interested? Because he hasn't done it.

It's been about 2 years now, that I've fully accepted that he's not interested.

And we are good friends that happen to live in the same house, coparent our kids, and get through life.

And that's where it ends.

Sure, some days I get upset. I mean, who wouldn't. But, it's to the point where I shrug my shoulders and move on. It doesn't derail me. Getting all upset about it isn't going to change anything. Trust me, if me getting upset would have motivated my husband, he would have changed by now. And getting upset doesn't help me fulfill the rest of my roles (parent, daughter, worker, student) to the best of my ability.

I'm not getting divorced, maybe separated eventually. But, I am the primary breadwinner. I won't lose my kids, 1/3 of my paycheck and half my retirement to my husband.

Plus, it was nice to have another adult around while I was going through cancer treatment.

So, if I'm going to stay with my husband, it's on me to change my reaction.

I really don't care anymore if/how/when my husband is getting any sexual gratification. It's not from me. I mean, if hes staying sober, great! If he's not, wouldn't surprise me. At the end of the day, my husband's thoughts don't have any real impact in my life. I'm not going to be a better worker because of whatever thoughts my husband has. My annual review at work does not ask a darn question about my husbands thoughts/behaviors/choices. It revolves around me.

While not quite the same, my mom is 76 and likely borderline. She's upset everyone else to the point where I'm it in her life. Dad passed away about a year ago. My mom is NEVER going to change. Frankly, I'm surprised at how much abuse I can tolerate from her, and honestly, it doesn't bother me. Even while I was dealing with cancer, she told me I was one of the worst things that happened to her. I mean, what mother does that to a child? Well, mine.

But. Acceptence. Mom is mentally unwell. She's never getting better. So, sure I can let her upset me. Or I can take what she says maybe at face value. Most of the time I can't even do that, because she bends events to fit her narrative. She, of course doesn't consider it lying. I don't owe her my full concentration when she talks at me. So I don't give it to her. I'm empathetic when I can be. And then I hang up.

When I talk to mom, I've got self care going at the same time. Maybe some deep breathing. Maybe I'm solving a work problem in my head. Maybe I'm stitching.

You could do the same for your husband. Mostly tune him out when he goes on and on about women. There's a ton of mindful techniques out there. Teach yourself to go inward so that what's happening on the exterior doesn't even phase you. I could get myself nearly so relaxed that I'd fall asleep during MRIS, cancer biopsies, etc. It's the same thing I use with mom. I use some of the same techniques when I get upset about my husband's choices.

If you are going to stay with your husband..these really are your only choices: inner peace or emotionally reacting and getting upset. The emotional reacting seems to not be helping you. Why not try something new.

He could be a sex addict but not all the stuff was about sex.

He enjoyed the ego kibbles, being seen as such a wonderful guy. He also wanted and probably still wants an escape from the boring married life and now the guilt of being the parent who passed on a genetic mutation he didn't even know he had. I was the one in IC for years dealing with guilt that I had caused the kids problems, he needs it but i cannot make him go.

Having a sick child right out of the gate (we married in Feb, she was born in July) is bound to test any relationship. There was no honeymoon, there was no couple time. We married before we wanted to due to family pressure, big mistake! We were engaged but planned to marry in the summer. I was disowned by my mothers side of the family due to getting pregnant out of wedlock.

His family didn't like me as evident by his mother knowing about ow2 and thinking it was ok...

We never saw eye to eye about dd's medical issues, we fought all the time over it.

He dealt with it all by finding his escape with other woman, i dealt with it by doubling down hard to find answers no matter the cost.

And we are good friends that happen to live in the same house, coparent our kids, and get through life.

And that's where it ends.

secondtime

Thank you! That is helpful to see that this CAN be done.

Sure, some days I get upset. I mean, who wouldn't. But, it's to the point where I shrug my shoulders and move on. It doesn't derail me. 

What do you do with the emotions?

Is this a case of compartmentalization?

I really don't care anymore if/how/when my husband is getting any sexual gratification. It's not from me.

What did you do when he did want it from you? Or did he?

My wh does. And i say no. (Big sucky part of all of this is that we used to have amazing sex. Omg amazing). Now nothing. Thats all on him.

The bottom line is he cheats. You don’t. You do adulting. He is still a child. Children take that cookie they have been told not to. That’s about the emotional age of your husband. When you were fun he loved you like a kid loves Disneyworld. When life got in the way you weren’t fun anymore.

The only thing that is frustrating is the only 2 options acceptable here out of infidelity. R or D. Why is there no wiggle room to accept a persons decision to stay but not be in R?

I don't think there's only two options. I happen to think those are the two best options. But that's more about my personal philosophies than any judgments about your situation.

I think if you want to stay married on paper for whatever reason, that's an acceptable choice too. But I don't see you having an "on paper" marriage given how very much his shit still clearly affects you. I'm not saying that's bad or wrong, but I don't think that's healthy for you in the long-term either.

No I'm not about to give up a life long dream because of him nor do i believe D is a consequence for him. It would mean freedom to be with anyone and do anything he wanted. Hes just to chicken to do it himself. Again I have to do everything and no not going to be the one to pull the plug on my dreams.

I get this, I do. It's one of the worst parts of being a bs. That being forced into this hard shitty choice or this other hard sorry choice. I get it.

But what stuck out at me here waa this:

nor do i believe D is a consequence for him. It would mean freedom to be with anyone and do anything he wanted.

I'm divorced. And really at the end of the day it wasn't much of a consequence for my xwh either. And it 'set him free' to go fuck anyone he wanted.

But you know? It set ME free too. Free from having to give a shit about what he's doing. Free from having to put up with his constant disrespect and disregard. Free from infidelity. And THAT freedom is priceless.

Not trying to urge you to consider divorce, but simply saying that for as much as I worried about what/who my xwh was gonna do with his freedom if we divorced, the freedom that gave me matters SO much more.

What you don't understand is that we get along just fine when infidelity isn't brought up. Rugsweep and we get along just fine. The problem is i can't do that. Its a scar thats in my face every day.

I lived in this reality for 9 months after ONE dday and it damn near wrecked me. You've done it for years past how many ddays? Yeah you're correct in saying you can't do it. I don't know anyone who could do this indefinitely.

Venting is fine. We all need a vent now and then. But I sense under your vents that you haven't moved to any sort of acceptance yet, and imho you won't have a minute's peace in your soul until you find a way to get yourself there.

Ill reply tomorrow. I need to go to bed.

Is he? Husband or roommate to which you refer?

I suspect room mate.

Of course being reminded of his jerkery will always have an impact on me.

One simply doesnt forget what has been done to them because they don't live as husband and wife or even divorce for that matter.

He is my husband on paper. He is not a husband in life. At least not what i believe a husband to be.

Something is going to have to change. Whether you, him, the situation or something else. Otherwise. you'll always be riding this rollercoaster. Staying where you are is your choice now DragnHeart. I'm not saying that to be flippant, but there does come a point where we keep ourselves in places that are not ideal for us. You can get to a place where what your WH does doesn't illicit any response in you. A place where you can exist with the now and be anything you want on paper. But you'll have to work to get there. Because your WH isn't going to, should be evident if you look at his continued behavior. You deserve better.

I think if you want to stay married on paper for whatever reason, that's an acceptable choice too. But I don't see you having an "on paper" marriage given how very much his shit still clearly affects you. 

I dont understand how this stuff isnt suppose to affect me???

Even if we D i am pretty sure he would be annoying, frustrating etc. Proof is in D/S forum. How many threads there are vents about what the STBEX or EX are doing or not doing, lots...

Infidelity has scarred me. I see it everywhere. Less now since i dont go out much thanks to covid.

But you know? It set ME free too. Free from having to give a shit about what he's doing. Free from having to put up with his constant disrespect and disregard. Free from infidelity. And THAT freedom is priceless.

D isnt freeing. We have children together. I am forever going to have to deal with him, at least until all of them are what 18?

Not trying to urge you to consider divorce, but simply saying that for as much as I worried about what/who my xwh was gonna do with his freedom if we divorced, the freedom that gave me matters SO much more.

If being aWay from him means freedom then we arent that far off now. He works typically 6 days a week, 13 hours a day. I see him for maybe 30-40 minutes in the morning before he leaves and an hour and a half, 2 hours after he gets home before hes snoring.

Most Sundays are busy get things done days for me, laundry etc. Saturdays if he take it off we usually are doing our own things. Saturday evenings are our family dinner and a movie night.

Venting is fine. We all need a vent now and then. But I sense under your vents that you haven't moved to any sort of acceptance yet, and imho you won't have a minute's peace in your soul until you find a way to get yourself there.

I have a lot of peace and happiness. Life doesn't revolve around him or what he did/does every minute of every day. There are times when something does bother me and SI is suppose to be a place to come to express that.

Acceptance of what? That he won't change? Pretty sure i covered that with the embracing hopelessness statement. I know he won't because its an escape addiction. Oh to have that option to just escape all the crap i deal with every day, but thats not what life is about. He even said this morning how nice a dull life would be for me with all the stuff i have to tend to (mainly referring to the kids and online learning).

You can get to a place where what your WH does doesn't illicit any response in you

So i should to rugsweep my feelings or lock them away or just become Vulcan? So its ok to vent but not to much?

How is having feelings, ie annoyance that he is doing something i asked him not to do any different than being annoyed that say the kids did something i asked them not to do?

Or being annoyed that one of the new mares broke my fence.

Or that some guy cut me off.

Or that the grocery store relined all there products (total sign of being an adult ya know...lol)

If i belonged to a parenting group I'd probably vent there about the kids. I have mom friends for that.

I openly vent and have discussions about the frustrating state of the exotic pet trade, how we as keepers are viewed, care tips etc on my herp forums.

Things happen every day that illicit a response. We aren't robots.

Maybe this has been raised, as I did not read the entire thread. But, are you quite certain that divorce would result in loss of your farm? I ask because I was under the impression that property or money from an inheritance was not considered a marital asset to be divided. I suppose there are exceptions and jurisdictions that differ.
Have you spoken to an attorney?

Yes i spoke to a lawyer.

The $ went towards the down-payment.

I didnt "inherit" the farm. I bought it to keep it in the family.

My cousin did the same with our aunts cottage.

Hi DragnHeart, I find that your story is very similar to how mine played out. The difference here is that my WH passed away two years ago this coming March, so now I am out of infidelity. But if he were still alive today, I still would be experiencing the trauma of his infidelity that he sadly continued to put me through because I also wasn't going to leave mine either. And the last day's of his life were also about other women.

As I was reading your post, I started doing the math:

-You currently are 44 years old and your WH is 35? Just to let you know, I was 5 years plus some days older than my deceased WH was and we also met when he was just 19, in a bar!

-The two of you met in 2006 which at the time he would have been around 19 years old and you were 28 years old. Correct? And you married two years later which would have made him 21 and you were 30 at the time, or close to that.

-And then along the way you had four children, with disabilities or just not well?

How old are your kids now?

(((DragnHeart))) You have such a good heart caring for all these animals and kids to look after while still worrying about your WS. You will leave (if you want to) when you are ready. I was in limbo for years it's not easy. As long as you are practicing self care and putting all into yourself as opposed to WS.

What do you envision your future look like once the kids are grown? Would you still want to be with your WS? I know for myself my own answer was a resounding no. I knew without a doubt I did not want to be with WS after kids were gone. It made my decision to leave a lot easier once the kids were teenagers.

The two of you met in 2006 which at the time he would have been around 19 years old and you were 28 years old. Correct? And you married two years later which would have made him 21 and you were 30 at the time, or close to that.

-And then along the way you had four children, with disabilities or just not well?

How old are your kids now?

I need to update my tagline lol. There is a 9 year age difference. He was 21 when we met, me 30.

Dd is 13, ds is 11 twins are 7.

We got engaged in 2007. Found out i was pregnant in Dec. Married Feb. Had dd via emergency c section in July at 38 weeks.

She was a medical mystery, still is.

She born weighing 3lbs 7oz. On IV and feeding tube in NICU. She was labeled SGA (small for gestational age) and had intrauterine growth restriction. Later deemed failure to thrive.

I never gained weight while pregnant. I lost 50lbs.

DS was delivered via c section after an attempted vaginal birth but i lost consciousness when i was asked to turn over and his heart rate dropped at 4lbs 12 oz. No NICU stay.

The twins were delivered via c section in 2014 almost 2 months early. 3lbs 8 oz and 3lbs 9oz. NICU stay for three weeks.

All of the kids remain small.

DD never breast fed, couldn't latch, her bowels did not work properly, she did not gain weight well,she never slept, she has severe incurving of the baby fingers as does twin B. Triangular shaped face, high pallet, almond shaped eyes, low set ears. Pretty much all of the characteristics of Russell Silver syndrome without the genetic mutations.

DD has been on growth horomones for 2 years and has come a long way.

Our genetics team did find all but twin B have the genetic mutation for Aligialle syndrome but they do not have enough characteristics to be officially diagnosed.

All but twin B have extreme learning challenges. Ds is in grade 6 and can only read at a grade two level...

Dd has been approved for special psychoeducational testing. Ds pediatrician did other testing and has recommended the same as dd. Twin A has the testing with pediatrician in a couple of months.

Twin A has allergy induced asthma.
Twin B has hypermobility and can fold him self up like a pretzel. He is in OT because he has problems running, coordination. He cant even use the smart board at school as his hands have no strength. We have to do special exercises. Typing is hard because his baby fingers incurve into his hand.

I know I'm forgetting something lol

You will leave (if you want to) when you are ready. I was in limbo for years it's not easy. As long as you are practicing self care and putting all into yourself as opposed to WS.

What do you envision your future look like once the kids are grown? Would you still want to be with your WS? I know for myself my own answer was a resounding no. I knew without a doubt I did not want to be with WS after kids were gone. It made my decision to leave a lot easier once the kids were teenagers.

I dont do as much self care as i should. I dont put any effort into wh. He always wants a a hug and kiss goodnight or before he goes to work and i make sure he stays at arms length.

I am cold. Distant. Emotionless.

The future is always a mystery. Once the kids have flown from the nest i dont see wh and i together. I am totally ok being alone. On my farm. Gardening, tending to animals, driving the tractor around. Walking my 100 acres being one with nature.

Dragn, I'm so sorry that you are having to go through all of this with your kid's being sick AND having to deal with your WH infidelities and immature behavior always talking about other women as if he is still in high-school or something.

This has been going on for a very long time for the both of you but I also understand why you feel the need to stay.... because you have the responsibilities of a farm, animals, trying to get a business going. And you have your 4 young children to care for. Not everyone can leave an abusive situation. I understand that.

I was financially dependent on my deceased WH and we both agreed that I would stay home and raise the kid's.

Things got out of hand with his drinking and his cheating was beginning to come to the light. His behavior made things very difficult. It was so sad for me to see the changes in him as he started to show me who he really was.

I don't think mine could have ever been a 100% faithful husband. He just didn't have it in him emotionally to grow into a mature, loving, faithful husband. And he also had a rough upbringing which I also believe stunted his emotional and psychological growth. And marrying so young (he also was only 20) didn't help matters either. He was just a kid in a man's body who never grew into a fully mature adult. And who also never learned how to have healthy coping mechanisms.

I see your WH in the same light. I also don't think he was ever ready for the responsibilities of being a spouse or father. Unfortunately, he is failing.

Hang in there and try to take care of yourself. You need those moments to keep your sanity. Enjoy your horses and other animals. As you and I both know, they are healers. My horse is too. I don't know what I would do without her. She is such a blessing.

And marrying so young (he also was only 20) didn't help matters either. He was just a kid in a man's body who never grew into a fully mature adult. And who also never learned how to have healthy coping mechanisms.
I see your WH in the same light. I also don't think he was ever ready for the responsibilities of being a spouse or father. Unfortunately, he is failing.

I dont know if my wh wasnt mature. He ran his own business all through high-school and after, worked two jobs plus did that and did educational presentations. Hard working, determined, well educated in his field.

I dont believe marrying young is a bad thing. I was engaged before in my early twenties (caught him cheating). Many of those i went to high-school with were married or parents before they graduated and are successful and happy now.

Every parent i met while dd was in the NICU, regardless of age, was NOT prepared to be a parent of a NICU baby. I sure as well wasnt. We even talked about how there needs to be an in hospital support group. Wh definitely went into denial. He shut himself off from me and things went downhill from there.

He and i had a bit of a spat this morning.

Sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee he is on his Facebook. Shows me a video of a woman giving her SO the death stare while he is staring/oogling at a woman in skimpy clothes dancing.

So i say to wh what makes you think i want to watch that? Put yourself into my shoes. If i betrayed you would you enjoy me showing you videos of half naked men? I know exactly how that woman feels, i live it every day.

He says nope he wouldn't be bothered by that at all...

Clueless!!!