So. You can't change others. Just yourself.
We're just about 5 years out from DD2.
My husband has a small list of things to do to repair the marriage.
He's not interested. Know how I know he's not interested? Because he hasn't done it.
It's been about 2 years now, that I've fully accepted that he's not interested.
And we are good friends that happen to live in the same house, coparent our kids, and get through life.
And that's where it ends.
Sure, some days I get upset. I mean, who wouldn't. But, it's to the point where I shrug my shoulders and move on. It doesn't derail me. Getting all upset about it isn't going to change anything. Trust me, if me getting upset would have motivated my husband, he would have changed by now. And getting upset doesn't help me fulfill the rest of my roles (parent, daughter, worker, student) to the best of my ability.
I'm not getting divorced, maybe separated eventually. But, I am the primary breadwinner. I won't lose my kids, 1/3 of my paycheck and half my retirement to my husband.
Plus, it was nice to have another adult around while I was going through cancer treatment.
So, if I'm going to stay with my husband, it's on me to change my reaction.
I really don't care anymore if/how/when my husband is getting any sexual gratification. It's not from me. I mean, if hes staying sober, great! If he's not, wouldn't surprise me. At the end of the day, my husband's thoughts don't have any real impact in my life. I'm not going to be a better worker because of whatever thoughts my husband has. My annual review at work does not ask a darn question about my husbands thoughts/behaviors/choices. It revolves around me.
While not quite the same, my mom is 76 and likely borderline. She's upset everyone else to the point where I'm it in her life. Dad passed away about a year ago. My mom is NEVER going to change. Frankly, I'm surprised at how much abuse I can tolerate from her, and honestly, it doesn't bother me. Even while I was dealing with cancer, she told me I was one of the worst things that happened to her. I mean, what mother does that to a child? Well, mine.
But. Acceptence. Mom is mentally unwell. She's never getting better. So, sure I can let her upset me. Or I can take what she says maybe at face value. Most of the time I can't even do that, because she bends events to fit her narrative. She, of course doesn't consider it lying. I don't owe her my full concentration when she talks at me. So I don't give it to her. I'm empathetic when I can be. And then I hang up.
When I talk to mom, I've got self care going at the same time. Maybe some deep breathing. Maybe I'm solving a work problem in my head. Maybe I'm stitching.
You could do the same for your husband. Mostly tune him out when he goes on and on about women. There's a ton of mindful techniques out there. Teach yourself to go inward so that what's happening on the exterior doesn't even phase you. I could get myself nearly so relaxed that I'd fall asleep during MRIS, cancer biopsies, etc. It's the same thing I use with mom. I use some of the same techniques when I get upset about my husband's choices.
If you are going to stay with your husband..these really are your only choices: inner peace or emotionally reacting and getting upset. The emotional reacting seems to not be helping you. Why not try something new.