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Are all waywards this clueless?

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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 9:40 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

I would be and HAVE BEEN just as upset ehen he overshared with the guys he works with.

No one outside of our marriage minus a therapist has any right to MY sexual preferences and other details about May marriage.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709367
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DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 9:45 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Could we PLEASE stop thread-jacking this post?

The struggles of the LGBTQ+ community are real and are a reasonable topic for discussion, however THIS thread is about DragnHeart and her personal struggles with her marriage and specifically in regard to infidelity, which is the sole purpose of this site. People may feel misrepresented and disrespected both in this thread and on this site in relation to how they identify themselves and are identified by others, however THIS THREAD IS NOT THE PLACE TO DISCUSS THAT. In fact, thread jacking DragnHeart's pain is ALSO hurtful and disrespectful. Anyone here that feels that there should be a more robust system for describing their gender identity more accurately, that's fine, but the way to address that is to contact a mod, or start a new discussion, not add more pain to a BS who is already in pain and being abused (emotionally) in her own home by her spouse. She doesn't need others to add salt to the wound. This is supposed to be a safe and supportive place to deal with infidelity. That is the primary goal.

There are several members and couples on SI who identify across the spectrum of sexual preferences and gender identities, and to my knowledge, they have always been accepted and treated the same as everyone else. While there is always room to learn, grow and share so that we all understand each other better and respect each other more, it is impossible to do so by aggressively attacking others for their lack of understanding or comprehension. Know also that many of us who don't identify as such, have family, friends and communities that do, who are loved and who are part of our lives. No one person here speaks for the whole LGBTQ+ community, and no one has more, or less, of a right to discuss it and how it affects them personally.

Educate, don't attack.
Lead by example, not by blaming others.
Don't expect respect and understanding unless you offer the same.
Understand that no matter who you are, you also sometimes disrespect others, sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose. How would you react if confronted aggressively? How would that change if you were welcomed and informed instead?


Start a new thread if the topic is important.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1190   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8709370
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 9:49 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

In fact, thread jacking DragnHeart's pain is ALSO hurtful and disrespectful. Anyone here that feels that there should be a more robust system for describing their gender identity more accurately, that's fine, but the way to address that is to contact a mod, or start a new discussion, not add more pain to a BS who is already in pain and being abused (emotionally) in her own home by her spouse. She doesn't need others to add salt to the wound. This is supposed to be a safe and supportive place to deal with infidelity. That is the primary goal.

Thank you DaddyDom! That means a lot.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709373
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cheatingwho ( member #37407) posted at 9:50 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Educate, don't attack.
Lead by example, not by blaming others.

I made one simple, very polite comment and then got yelled at, not the other way around. I attempted to educate and they tripled down. I asked for a mod, very early on and have asked a second time.

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709374
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 9:50 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Great post daddydom.

I suggested starting a new thread back on page two.

((((Dragn))))

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2602   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8709375
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thisissogross ( member #30294) posted at 9:58 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

[This message edited by thisissogross at 9:58 PM, Wednesday, January 12th]



i edit frequently because i have to

posts: 367   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2010   ·   location: southern us
id 8709377
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DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 10:14 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

I made one simple, very polite comment and then got yelled at, not the other way around.

Below are at 16 comments made in 16 different reponses in which the conversation was redirected to your own personal topic. None of these, in my opinion, were meant to help DragnHeart, relate to infidelity in any way, or were thoughtful and constructive criticism meant to add to the topic of the conversation at hand, which is her pain.

It is perfectly reasonable to be upset, and even hurt, by a lack of recognition of topics and respect that you feel are missing. But the idea that you said one simple, polite thing and were attacked for it, is not accurate. This is not your thread. Please stop.

Honestly (and please don't kill me here), it sounds like you view this gay woman as a threat, even though she is gay.

your post is kind of offensive to someone who is part of LGBTQ+.

Are they really hetero are are they bi or even trans and there aren't feeling safe enough to come out. I mean this forum doesn't even have the options for my gender

We we not supposed to have friends unless we are attracted to them?

And so many more in just this one reply...

That may have been the point of her post but she made enough comments to make my Transgender gay self feel uncomfortable

. There were comments made trying to police who a gay person can be friends with that. As if we can only spend time with our Own kind.

The question is would they think it was inappropriate if a guy did or is it just cause they have a vagina that it's inappropriate?

Went to the dentist and come back to even more homophobic comments. Jesus it's like JK Rowling claiming she isn't a terf while saying terfy shit.

I don't have enough energy to unpack all the things wrong that have been said in this thread. All I can say is this place doesn't feel very safe to a non-Cisgendered, homosexual human being.

The comments about "do you know they are gay" are EXTREMELY homophobic and hurtful.

The point is, if you are told someone is gay/lesbian/bisexual/queer/asexual/aromantic THEY ARE until such time as THEY tell you otherwise

You doubting this person's sexual orientation multiple times in a post on a public forum is my issue.

But what you write here and the way you write it can be problematic and in this case it was hurtful

Like someone else said, it you replace it with race and it comes off as racist then it's problematic

I would like you to change the way you talk about LGBTQ+ issues

I get your a hurting, but coming on here and hurting other people isn't the answer.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1190   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8709384
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cheatingwho ( member #37407) posted at 10:19 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

I did try to educate and as I said I made an initial comment and it was met with hostility. I didn't say I made ONLY one comment. I said I made an initial comment in an effort to educate.

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709385
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cheatingwho ( member #37407) posted at 10:20 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Also making a post telling me I am T/Jing and then baiting me is in bad form

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
------------------
1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709387
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 10:32 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Enough!

Regardless of your sexual orientation there is always a risk of crossing boundaries if not full blown infidelity (as proven by other members who have had that happen).

I do not have a problem if she is gay!

I am fucking Bi for christ sake.

I chose to get married and be faithful to one person who just happened to be male. Im not a polygamist therefore couldn't have thr best of both.

The fact is gay or not my wh is capable of crossing boundaries that go against our marriage.

I am not ok with him doing that.

I am also NOT ok with them communicating outside of work. Why did she text his personal cell phone? Why does she even have his personal cell number when she already has his work number?????


My hand hurts! I dont know how the screw disnt go all the way through (no out injury) it sure feels like it did.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709391
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prissy4lyfe ( member #46938) posted at 10:35 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Thanks

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 10:41 PM, Wednesday, January 12th]

posts: 2030   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2015   ·   location: Virginia
id 8709393
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WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 10:36 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Alright everyone!!!

It is time to stop this and get back on topic.

We can perhaps take this discussion and learn from it. Words do matter. Please keep an open mind when someone tells you that the words you are using are offensive and attempt to correct that language to help them feel safe as a member. Arguing why it’s not offensive only adds insult to injury.

In addition, threadjacking to make a point isn’t always helpful. Sometimes it is best to educate and then kindly step away.

Let’s get back on topic and be sensitive with the language you choose to discuss the matter.

In the end, it really doesn’t matter what the person’s sexual orientation is. That doesn’t even need to be part of the conversation because what matters is the behavior of Dragn’s WS.

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 14742   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8709394
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prissy4lyfe ( member #46938) posted at 10:38 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Dragnheart...

Your husband is an ass. And he must have saved a bus full of children in his last life to have ended up with such kind, loving person as his wife.

I hope you take some time for yourself today. Hugs.

posts: 2030   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2015   ·   location: Virginia
id 8709395
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prissy4lyfe ( member #46938) posted at 10:48 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Dragnheart...

Given your husband's history...I believe your husband would use anything at this point to get his fix. He is no different that an addict.

She is gay so it's not a big deal I break the boundary. Its like saying it's only beer when he is use to doing crack.

Is seems as if he is always going to "rebel" against you. As if asking him to have respectful boundaries on your marriage is parenting him.

I'm sorry he is hurting you. What can you do for you today?

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 10:53 PM, Wednesday, January 12th]

posts: 2030   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2015   ·   location: Virginia
id 8709397
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 10:48 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

If mods wish to lock this thats ok with me.

I dont want to offend or argue or debate but I do feel that her sexual orientation is a valid point here.

A wh trying to diffuse a BW concern by insisting that the other woman is gay so its not of relevance is dismissive.

He is dismissing MY feelings, my concerns over the fact she only has sex with other woman.

Thats truely Not the point.

He can never have sex/intercourse outside of our marriage again and still be crossing lines, boundaries and emotionally abusing ME.

Thats what he HAS done here.

And using her sexual orientation as an excuse to dismiss me his wife after over 13 years of infidelity: physical, emotional and online is nothing less than totally abusive.

Is it any different than a wayward wife oversharing details of her husbands ED issues with a gay male co worker, getting texts oustde of work from him and then telling her husband to get over it because the guy is gay and not a threat? Is that not crossing a line?

Thats hoe i feel now. Like MY feelings dont matter.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709396
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 10:55 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

The suggestion to start another thread was so this thread could get back on topic and the other member could have their concerns addressed.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2602   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8709399
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 11:05 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

He is no different that an addict.

She is gay so it's not a big deal I break the boundary. Its like saying it's only beer when he is use to doing crack.

I agree. He is on the hunt for ego kibbles and external validation all the time.

Who he gets it from and how doesn't matter as long as he gets his fix. Thats why anything i do is redundant.

He needs to first acknowledge the problem then want to fix it. Two things that haven't happened nor do i expect will.

In the mean time im just trying to survive life keeping my head above water and he keeps pushing me under.

I fully admit that my lack of healing is on me. I should have "embraced hopelessness" much sooner.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709400
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 11:43 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

(((DragnHeart)))

I so hate that he will use any deflection to escape accountability. He was wrong particularly because he brought up the sexual orientation rather than address the concerns of violating your privacy and attempting to garner closeness from the other person that is inappropriate. Period.

He isn't listening because he cannot face himself and instead tries anything to escape. He wants to escape what he did to you, what he's done to you in the past, and what he continues to do to you. He absolutely cowers away from anything that resembles accountability in every way and that leave you alone and hurting. I am so very sorry that he hurts you each and every time he tries to run away from owning his shit.

You have been heard.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2726   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8709408
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 11:57 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

He isn't listening because he cannot face himself and instead tries anything to escape. He wants to escape what he did to you, what he's done to you in the past, and what he continues to do to you. He absolutely cowers away from anything that resembles accountability in every way and that leave you alone and hurting. I am so very sorry that he hurts you each and every time he tries to run away from owning his shit.

This is a sad state to be in. He cannot be happy living like that.


So he's home. Discussion was around the loads today. Nothing about her shocked It then moved to the issue with the horse water and then the kids return to school.

I was upfront and asked why she has his personal cell number. He says....the manager gave it to her instead of his work number. Not sure i believe that.

There's really no reason for anyone but management to have his numbers.

He is considered "management" but he does not manage staff unless the actual manager isnt there. In that case and typically anyone who wont be in etc calls the main business line snd leaves a message for the supervisor.

It bothers me that they gave her his personal number and the others have only his work number...

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709410
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:06 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

I’m sorry you still are facing these issues.

Your H doesn’t want to change b/c he knows there are no consequences.

My H had a 4 year EA that he denied yet I knew it was going on from day 1. I knew it was an affair. He refused to admit it.

It ended but was completely rugswept. 15 years later it’s an EA turns PA to his second affair. This one was going to lead to a D b/c he was havig his mid life crisis affair and he wanted out.

This time however there were consequences. I told him I was D him. I had no choice.

So maybe if your H had some serious consequences like the hard 180, you get your own $ in the bank he cannot touch, stop doing his laundry or cooking his meals etc. make him move to sleep in another room.

Until he learns to RESPECT you / you need to protect yourself.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11155   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8709412
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