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Are all waywards this clueless?

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cheatingwho ( member #37407) posted at 5:34 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Lastly...I also understand cheatingwho posts. If you can replace race with sexual orientation and it's offensive then it's offensive.

Thank you, really that means more than I can say.

[This message edited by cheatingwho at 5:35 PM, Wednesday, January 12th]

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709289
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 5:35 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

She said "friends" as in inappropriate.

[This message edited by zebra25 at 11:36 AM, January 12th (Wednesday)]

[This message edited by zebra25 at 5:36 PM, Wednesday, January 12th]

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2602   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8709290
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taken4granted ( member #61971) posted at 5:37 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Rather than go down this path, OP, what can you do to protect yourself and not respond to your WS’s obvious callousness? I know you are staying for various reasons, but at the end of the day, if he has no remorse you will need to protect yourself. Living in a situation like this can take a toll on you. Please take care of yourself.

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain
Me: Living life! Him: Not my problem anymore
Married 15 yrs.
1 LTA, Many EAs from 2009 - ?
Dday 1 = 6/16/17
Last Dday = 1/4/18
Started loving myself 2018!

posts: 347   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2017   ·   location: OH
id 8709291
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cheatingwho ( member #37407) posted at 5:37 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

She said "friends" as in inappropriate.

The question is would they think it was inappropriate if a guy did or is it just cause they have a vagina that it's inappropriate?

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
------------------
1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709292
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prissy4lyfe ( member #46938) posted at 5:38 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Intent doesn't have to present for the result to be hurtful.

I DO NOT believe OP meant to be hurtful. In fact I admire the hell out of her. dragnheart has such a wonderful, compassionate, giving heart..it's present in how she posts about her children, animals and farm.

She is by far one of my favorite posters. And Im sorry her husband is a jerk who pops on here in attempts to pacify her because he is aware of the diamond he truly has in her and doesn't want to loose her.

However..cheatingwho is taking the opportunity to educate us as a member of their community and that should be acknowledged and respected.

posts: 2030   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2015   ·   location: Virginia
id 8709293
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 5:45 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

I have no proof if shes gay or not given that wh lies like a champ over the smallest shit.

She may or may not be. How would I know?

And the point is he wont stop talking about her and im seriously sick if hearing about her.

Im sorry i hurt your feelings but look at it from MY point of view.

Every biological female MY husband has ever worked with he HAS BEEN INAPPROPRIATE with. Every single one. Four confirmed physical dick in vagina affairs. Lord knows hoe many more quickie in thr back of MY car or blow jobs he was getting and i csnt even put into numerical value the number of online personal ads he had and responded to.

So yes any time HE shows this much interest in a biological female that for all i know is actually BI (as i am)...is a concern.

It isnt her. Its IS him and and his behaviour.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709295
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 5:48 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Maybe that should be in a different thread?

I don't think it is helping Dragn. She is also one of my favorite posters and she has shown she has a kind heart and is very kind to our memebers.

She deserves our support.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2602   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8709296
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prissy4lyfe ( member #46938) posted at 5:49 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Dragnheart,

Can you do something for yourself today?

Something fun and frivolous? Nothing having to do with kids, animals (although I would like to visit and cuddle your baby goats), house, WH?

I am not going to harp on your to leave. But can you escape his bullshit today? Just for a few hours? You deserve a break. Hugs

posts: 2030   ·   registered: Feb. 24th, 2015   ·   location: Virginia
id 8709297
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 6:02 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

My adopted brother is gay so no im not homophobic. Thats almost insulting actually.

I should add that her NON gay sister also works there now and he doesnt talk about her near as much.

Someone posted something about thr crazy jealous bitch remark better not have come from him. He always tells me i shouldn't feel how i feel. So if i say i dont trust him or i am sad or angry he tells me i shouldn't feel that way and pretty much get over it...

Dragnheart,

Can you do something for yourself today?

Something fun and frivolous? Nothing having to do with kids, animals (although I would like to visit and cuddle your baby goats), house, WH?

I am not going to harp on your to leave. But can you escape his bullshit today? Just for a few hours? You deserve a break. Hugs


Awe thanks for the hugs. Maybe later i can do something for me. While trying to read replies and reply myself i am helping little M print out work that she cant do online and still waiting for my hose to thaw before i can refill water trough enough that when i plug it back in the heater doesnt blow from the snow melting away from it. Once exposed to air the element fries.

Oh. Only have one baby goat right noW. ELLA looks like a beach ball ready to pop but no babies yet (i expect she has twins again).

I tried to snuggle one of the piglets this morning and the brat bit me then squealed bloody murder.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709299
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Walkthestorm ( member #72157) posted at 6:07 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

One thought. Are you sure this woman is gay or is it something you husband told you? And honestly, who talks about their sexual orientation two weeks on the job?

4 affairs later he would know how to make you less suspicious.

posts: 89   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2019
id 8709301
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 6:21 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

One thought. Are you sure this woman is gay or is it something you husband told you? And honestly, who talks about their sexual orientation two weeks on the job?

4 affairs later he would know how to make you less suspicious.

No i am not sure.

Thats the thing. He's been very vocal about her orientation, so much so its like he's trying to divert my attention from the fact that he's spending so much energy focused on her.

Well shes gay therefore not a chance of him screwing her.

So i should just be ok with him talking about her more than he does about anything regarding work.

How is that not a red flag?

He knows i AM interested in his day because we both like heavy machinery and he drives that stuff. So yeah if he had to do a tandem load i want to hear about it. But he doesnt talk about that. He tells me about her. And ONLY her. Her sister who is NOT gay works there too that he just happened to let slip once. I had no idea there were two woman working there. So why only gay girl? Why talk about her ALL the time?

Also i know some of th4 guys he works with. If i ask about them he gets pissy. Im not interested in them i simply want to know how they are (one is divorcing, another was sick).

So its OK for him to talk about woman but i cant ask about a man? Why?

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709307
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 6:37 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Also, crossing boundaries can have nothing to do with sex, or sexual orientation.

Its not acceptable for wh to be discussing private marital issues with anyone but me, his wife or a therapist.

Omg one of my horses is out. Be back later

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709310
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Breachoftrust ( new member #66252) posted at 6:41 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

FYI I was told my WH AP was a lesbian so I had "nothing" to worry about. Just another lie to keep her from seeming like a threat until it was too late.

Married 18 years, together 23. 3 children. DD1 2/21/18. DD2 6/7/18 EA. BS 48, WH 49.

Actions prove who someone is; words prove who someone wants to be.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2018
id 8709312
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 6:45 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Hard to believe a gay woman could be that "friendly" with a man...

In all fairness, I've slept in the same bed with more than one gay man and cuddled, lol, so there's definitely possibility of being very friendly with a person you aren't going to have sex with or who doesn't even come close to wanting to have sex with you. I find it no less likely for a lesbian to be close with a man than it would be for a straight woman to be close with a straight woman or straight man close to a straight man. I don't need all of my close friends to be fuckable.

But I didn't read your post to have homophobia. I read it as your WH being insensitive and rude once again. And some of that is, despite having a gay daughter and having had a great many gay friends, I haven't lived the experience.

Maybe he is the only person she feels safe working with? Maybe other people she works with treat her with disrespect of make really gross comment. The amount of people who have made comments since I stopped dating men, telling me that I need to just find the right man or that they can fix me being gay, is more than 75% of the men I talk to.

My daughter goes through this too, and it's infuriating bullshit. I'm sorry that people suck so very much.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 6:51 PM, Wednesday, January 12th]

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4783   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8709314
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 7:03 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Someone posted something about thr crazy jealous bitch remark better not have come from him. He always tells me i shouldn't feel how i feel. So if i say i dont trust him or i am sad or angry he tells me i shouldn't feel that way and pretty much get over it...

Boy this struck me as GASLIGHTING and is manipulative. My BH did this to me and the kids a LOT, until I would call it out for what it was. I would point out the gaslighting to him when he would tell my son to either suck it up, not make a big deal of something, or "you can't possibly be THAT hurt." To be fair my son is a bit of a drama king...

Anyway, the point is, I started pointing out to him, "We are allowed to feel what we feel. They are our own feelings, not yours." I used to have to do this a lot, but he's since left off telling people how they should feel. Instead we work on expressing our feelings appropriately and learning how to calm ourselves down so they don't overwhelm us.

I hope that, since you're stuck for the time being, that you can do yourself the favor of calling him out on it. Eventually he'll get tired of hearing about it and give it up. He won't like it at first...

Chances are if he's doing this to you, he's doing it to the kids too. It would be a good lesson in sticking up for themselves to learn this tactic too.

Good luck. This gaslighting shit drives me nuts! I grew up with it, married into it and practiced it barf d

posts: 295   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8709316
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 7:13 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

There are no nice words to describe thr pain and frustration of having a 3"screw go through ones hand.

I am in pain, surprisingly not bleeding as much as i thought i would having ripped out the screw from hand... But horse is back in field and fence is blocked where she broke through it.

Anyways, let me also say that all i ever hear of her is from him.

So his interpretation of what was said could he different than how she intended to say it IF she said it at all.

Remember he is an attention hog/addict? So any attention from the opposite sex, gay or not is exciting to him.


I hope that, since you're stuck for the time being, that you can do yourself the favor of calling him out on it

Oh yes i call him out on his bullshit all the time. To thr point maybe i come off as mean when ya ok i am being mean sometimes. Most times? Ugh.

I have gotten to thst dont give a fuck point. He knows if he ends up in hospital i will not be thr ONE person allowed to come see him. He can call his mom for that (that goes back a few years to him in hospital flirting with the nurse RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME...).

His latest facebook friend addition is a woman from the city whose wbtire page is filled with photos of her in underwear. Usually closeups of her boobs and ass. Oh how exciting that he spends time and energy on looking at that when he HAS that at home. And he wonders why he cant get laid at home. rolleyes

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709319
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 7:31 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Its not just thst hes clueless about how i feel aaboit him talking to other biological females.

Its him talking about jewelery and that hes glad i dont like it. Im not against jewelry. I have plenty. But years and years ago i found a receipt for a necklace i thought was for me. It was not...

So no, now jewelery from him would be meaningless.

*typing one handed sucks...

He is clueless that his actions made me not want that from him.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709324
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 7:36 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Dragon - it sounds like the issue is that you do not trust your husband's boundaries/need for attention from with women (particularly with women he works with). Based on his history, that sounds pretty reasonable in the circumstances.

When my husband started mentioning the COW more frequently in conversation I noticed that he was quick to bring up the fact that she was married. The rationale, of course, was that because she was married, I should not see her as a threat. Guess how that turned out?

Following D-Day I had a pretty strong boundary that my husband not socialize outside of work with ANY female co-workers. This wasn't because I had any particular reason to distrust any other women he worked with (I know many of them and they are lovely), it was because I didn't trust my husband.

There are plenty of ways to cheat. Sex is not the only one. Emotional intimacy with someone who isn't your spouse can be, I imagine, just as hurtful. The OP mentions that she is uncomfortable with him speaking about her life - that is a valid concern. Her husband can cross boundaries with the coworker without the coworker doing anything to welcome it (I imagine if you are the only woman on a job with all men unused to working with women, it would make sense to gravitate to the one man being overly friendly).

--

Dragon - I will say in cheatingwho's defense that I bristled a little reading you refer to the co-worker here as "gay woman" twice in your original post. I truly don't believe you meant anything by it and reacted out of frustration but if I, a cis-het woman saw it, I can certainly see why cheatingwho's internal alarms went off. I do think cheatingwho tried to raise their concern respectfully.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 743   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8709326
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 7:44 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

UGH. I'm sorry about that.

Not sure what's the bigger pain- the screw in your hand or T&A on your WH's FB account.

Not to thread jack, but are you needing to get that cut looked at? Don't want to hear about you getting tetanus on top of everything else you have going on.

Hang in there! Maybe we could do a GoFundMe so you can buy your WH out of the farm... He really isn't doing the work to be accountable to himself let alone you. :(

posts: 295   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8709327
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 7:47 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

I wanted to get thr post out because i was frustrated and it was getting to a boiling point.

Trying to figure out the politically correct term to describe her was just not on my mind. Im sorry for that.

His constant referral to her as gay just made my hair stand on edge. A way to deflect his interest in her. To put me at ease because she wont have sex with him. Again not ok in my books with his history.

I dont give a damn what a person is. I care that MY husband is spending time and energy and giving attention to someone OTHER THAN ME HIS WIFE!

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709329
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