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General :
Are all waywards this clueless?

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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 7:58 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Not to thread jack, but are you needing to get that cut looked at? Don't want to hear about you getting tetanus on top of everything else you have going on.

If tetanus is good for ten years then im way ok for that lol. Its not bleeding. I thoroughly cleaned it. Its not the worst injury i have had on this farm doing farm stuff. You should see the scar on my leg from just a few months ago. Omg i had a 6×9 foot diy gate i made come down on my leg and a nail i missed seeing from the beam i used tore my leg right open. laugh


Hang in there! Maybe we could do a GoFundMe so you can buy your WH out of the farm... He really isn't doing the work to be accountable to himself let alone you. :(

I appre the idea lol. But no. I couldnt ask thay of anyone.

This is where Robert Downey Jr quote about embracing hopelessness annoys me.

Its ok to give up hoping when it IS in fact hopeless. I know my wh will never change. That is who he has become. Sad. But owell. I may not be IN love with him anymore and thr relationship is just a memory, nothing more than room mates. That saod thr damage he has done is everlasting. Things i have to work through. Triggers. Etc. But having him constantly opening the wounds again by telling me how wonderful this woman is just isnt helping MY healing.

I do not want to hear about her. Period. I shoukd be able to ask thst if him and have him respect thst. But he doesnt.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709333
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CaptainRogers ( member #57127) posted at 8:07 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

In response to the original question, I can't speak for all WSs, but I can speak for mine.

Yes. Yes, there can be a crazy level of cluelessness, regardless of the time post-D-day.

My 10 year old daughter has joined a Girl Scouts-type group. The way they communicate is via social media (God forbid we use email or a phone call/text).

My wife created an account on this particular non-Facebook platform.

About 6 weeks in, she made mention of her account in a passing comment.

I said "You have a social media account again?" (She deactivated & deleted her FB after D-Day v1.0.

She said "Yes. It's just for [club]. That's all."

"You didn't think it might be something that would bother me, especially if you didn't tell me about it, making it a SECRET account?"

"I'm not doing anything wrong."

"I didn't say you were doing anything wrong through the account. But you never gave a thought to how it would look to not tell me about it?"

"No."

"That's something you really ought to be doing."

"Oh. OK..."

So yeah, they can be completely and totally clueless by not giving one iota of thought towards what their actions mean to us.

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3088   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8709337
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 8:17 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Is your husband actually flirting with his co-worker or is he just mentioning her in the course of normal conversation about his day? If the latter, then I wouldn't chew him out every time he mentions her; you want him to be forthright about this interactions with women. Then again, if you really can't trust him and any interactions he has with women cause you anxiety, I think you need to honestly assess whether this relationship is tenable in the long term.

If your husband is flirtatious with this woman or others at work, then he is putting both his marriage and his job at serious risk. His poor boundaries could get him fired. Do you want to wait around and hope that this ticking time bomb doesn't go off or do you want to get off before it explodes?

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 603   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8709341
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 8:29 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Another red flag is this:

Wh has a personal cell phone snd a work cell phone. He has said over snd over thst i can check either phone any time i want.

I was going through MY bill and usage. Noticed something odd, that i couldn't see the previous months information.

Wh phone is next on our family plan then dd's phone. So i checked his usage.

While seeing if his previous months usage was there i noticed a number who text him that i didnt recognize.

Since he was using his personal phone i checked his work phone. Guess whose number it is???

Ya the woman at work. Its on his work phone under her name. She had also text his work phone on NON work hours to wish him a Merry christmas on the weekend he didnt work...

I have yet to check his personal cell to see what she text him there.

My concern would be that IF he has deleted the text thread from her on his personal phone he is back to HIDING things from me. Again NOT acceptable.

Oh and that New Facebook friend, he deleted the New friend notification that pops up on messenger. If shes no big deal why delete the notification?

Its not always flirtatious. Its thst its all he will talk about other than his manager who is a jerk.


All of his PA have been with woman he worked with at his old job. That for me is a huge trigger. Huge. Every woman he interacted with there he was flirting with. I have hours and hours of VAR recordings from back then when i hid it plus video from a hidden camera IN MY CAR.

Trust me when i say he was trying to get ego kibbles and sex from everyone female.

So yes i am triggered when he talks about her. In any way. All of thr trauma i have experienced from this and im supposed to not worry because shes not into men? He will cross any line he can and has by talking about ME to her. What right does she have to know anything about me?!?

All of thr guys were warned by thr boss when he started hiring woman. Sexual harrassment woukd not be tolerated. That doesnt stop any of thrm from being overly friendly. Im sure if i told the other wives what i know has happened they would be just as upset as i am.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709343
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cheatingwho ( member #37407) posted at 9:02 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Went to the dentist and come back to even more homophobic comments. Jesus it's like JK Rowling claiming she isn't a terf while saying terfy shit.

I don't have enough energy to unpack all the things wrong that have been said in this thread. All I can say is this place doesn't feel very safe to a non-Cisgendered, homosexual human being.

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709346
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cheatingwho ( member #37407) posted at 9:08 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Let me just point out the term is Cisgendered, not biological female. Saying biological female is TERF lingo. Also you can have gay family and be homophobic to people who aren't your family. The comments about "do you know they are gay" are EXTREMELY homophobic and hurtful. Do we have to make out with someone of our same gender in front of you for you to believe someone is gay?

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709347
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 9:11 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

I think asking if she knew they were gay was questioning her husband's honesty.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2602   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8709348
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 9:14 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Constantly making reference to her sexual orientation is a red flag for ME because it feels like deflection. Trying to get me to not be concerned that he would cheat.

In his mind sex, like actual intercourse is cheating. Blow jobs not so much, flirting is NOT cheating. Being overly friendly isnt crossing any boundary. Neither is telling others about MY sexual preferences. All things not ok to share outside of the marriage.

But he has already crossed boundaries with her, gay or not. My marriage and personal life are none of her business.


I think asking if she knew they were gay was questioning her husband's honesty

This exactly.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709349
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cheatingwho ( member #37407) posted at 9:17 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

I think asking if she knew they were gay was questioning her husband's honesty.

The point is, if you are told someone is gay/lesbian/bisexual/queer/asexual/aromantic THEY ARE until such time as THEY tell you otherwise

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709351
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 9:19 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

The point is, if you are told someone is gay/lesbian/bisexual/queer/asexual/aromantic THEY ARE until such time as THEY tell you otherwise

Omg fine


Point is she is NOT entitled to MY personal information.

And he can claim being gay makes her safe when HE has already crossed a line thst makes the whole thing insulting to ME!

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709353
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cheatingwho ( member #37407) posted at 9:20 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Constantly making reference to her sexual orientation is a red flag for ME because it feels like deflection. Trying to get me to not be concerned that he would cheat.

You are entitled to be suspicious and concerned about what you husband is doing or maybe doing. You doubting this person's sexual orientation multiple times in a post on a public forum is my issue.

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709354
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cheatingwho ( member #37407) posted at 9:22 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Omg fine


Point is she is NOT entitled to MY personal information.

And he can claim being gay makes her safe when HE has already crossed a line thst makes the whole thing insulting to ME!

Police your marriage however you choose, do what you need to do to feel safe. But what you write here and the way you write it can be problematic and in this case it was hurtful

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709355
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 9:25 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

And you turning it into a "must be homophobic" thread has hurt me when all i wanted was acknowledgement that what my wh was doing is wrong.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709357
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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 9:26 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

This is obviously a trauma response. You feel unsafe with your husband having any kind of personal relationship with a female. That’s understandable given all that he has put you through. It is perfectly reasonable to ask him not to have any kind of contact with her that isn’t work related. It’s perfectly reasonable to be triggered by his constantly talking about her, and his unwillingness to stop doing so. All the more reason if he is communicating with her in a secretive manner.

I think the point was the OP doesn’t know if her husband is lying or not about the coworker’s sexual orientation. She doesn’t appear to be denying the woman’s own claims of being a lesbian.

I’m so sorry this man has continued to hurt you. I’m so sorry he doesn’t respect you. I really do hope you’re able to find freedom some day soon.

[This message edited by Underserving at 9:27 PM, Wednesday, January 12th]

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 752   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8709359
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 9:26 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

"The point is, if you are told someone is gay/lesbian/bisexual/queer/asexual/aromantic THEY ARE until such time as THEY tell you otherwise"

Agree.

OP is dealing with a proven liar who may very well be gaslighting and manipulating.

My intention was to explain where I thought other people were coming from to make you feel better but it seems to be making you feel worse and for that I am sorry.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 2602   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8709358
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cheatingwho ( member #37407) posted at 9:30 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Look if your WS is a known liar then confront them at work. Ask to be introduced to this person, make it a requirement of R. What you don't do is tell a Transgender/Queer person something you said wasn't homophobic. You might not have meant it that way, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't the exact kind of thing we have to deal with a dozen times a day.

You say that being called out hurt you, but did it hurt you or did it make you feel morally outraged? I suggest you sit with it and think on it. Like someone else said, it you replace it with race and it comes off as racist then it's problematic

[This message edited by cheatingwho at 9:33 PM, Wednesday, January 12th]

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709361
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 9:33 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

I have apologized and said it wasnt my intention to upset you what more do you want?

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709362
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cheatingwho ( member #37407) posted at 9:35 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

I would like you to change the way you talk about LGBTQ+ issues, I get things get heated here, but maybe take a moment and think is this comment really what I mean? Is this comment something that can be misconstrued? Is this comment showing me in the light I want to be seen?

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709363
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 9:38 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

But my husband didnt fuck just black woman. Or whatever thr case may be. He lied countless times about if the woman he was fucking were married had kids were not his type. Blah blah blah. All lies. He was still fucking them.

I am within my rights to question the validity of what he says when he is bringing it up non stop.

Again he appears to be trying to make the excuse that shes safe because shes gay when obviously she is NOT safe regardless of who she fucks because HE has already overshared with her. He has crossed a boundary.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22804   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709365
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cheatingwho ( member #37407) posted at 9:40 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Again, your husband being in the wrong doesn't mean you have to be too. You have repeatedly said "I am sorry, but...." and anything before a but doesn't count. I get your a hurting, but coming on here and hurting other people isn't the answer.

ME: Non-binary and Queer (pronouns are they/them/theirs)
HIM: Irrelevant
Divorced- 01/2015
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1 living kidbit (DS-22), 2 in heavenStill you wonder who's cheating who and whose being true

posts: 258   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2012   ·   location: New York City
id 8709368
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