Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: KMS60087

General :
How do you reel yourself in from seeking revenge?

default

 Countingsheep65 (original poster member #56000) posted at 2:01 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

Feeling very revengeful today.

I mean I would get some gratification from it.

posts: 436   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2016
id 8701715
default

DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 2:13 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

I daydream about it once in a while. It makes me feel so good.
I’ve shared my revenge plot with some friends and they LOVE it. Many encouraged me to do it.
But I must restrain myself.
Vengeance is mine, says the Lord. It is His battle to fight. God will judge the adulterer and the sexually immoral. That’s a promise from the Bible. And that’s the only thing that keeps me standing some days.
But I will continue to daydream about the revenge!!!

posts: 68   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8701717
default

skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 2:25 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

I'm pretty afraid of karma, I guess. Doing harm, even if I can justify it, isn't the kind of energy I want to live in. I also trust that being him is enough punishment. He's a loser - no matter outward appearances. He always has been and always will be. Anyone who has a happy home and loving family and craps all over them is their own worst enemy.

The happier you get, the less you'll care if he gets his karma or wins the lottery - you'll just be happy you don't have to be around him.

Me: BS 58DDay 1 - 7/2019 False Reconciliation - Spring/2020DIVORCED - 1/2021

posts: 1193   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8701718
default

deena04 ( member #41741) posted at 3:43 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

The best revenge is a life well lived. Having integrity is revenge on those that did not have it. Smiling and being happy is revenge on those that tried to take that away. Buy yourself something neat, smile, go out, and live life. That is revenge with integrity. It may not be happening today, but baby steps until it does.

Me FBS early 40s
Him XWS mid40s (lovemywife4ever), D
He cheated before M, forgot to tell me
Free and loving life

posts: 3141   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 8701721
default

Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 7:41 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

I've never been a revengy person. That doesn't mean I am a Saint, only that I wouldn't do anything to harm another person, even my STBXWW's former AP. I don't wish either of them ill, nor do I wish them well. However, if life bites them on the ass, I might pop some corn and pull up a chair. Schadenfreude I think they call it...

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1182   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8701744
default

TwoDozen ( member #74796) posted at 8:24 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

I have handled myself with integrity and unit throughout.

That being said if I was ever in the same room as the AP he would leave via the window.

I will probably take this residual anger to the grave with me.

TD

Play stupid games ; Win stupid prizes

posts: 396   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2020
id 8701745
default

Numis67 ( member #57209) posted at 8:38 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

I fought against this urge myself. I had an opportunity just a couple of weeks post D-day, but I chose not to indulge.

I reminded myself that I have to keep my integrity even if my WW did not. It's an easy rabbit hole to go down, but you will respect yourself so much more after this emotional roller coaster has settled down.

Best of luck and heal well!

Numis did everything wrong after DD1;this accounts for DD2. Don't be like Numis.

posts: 74   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2017   ·   location: Missouri
id 8701746
default

GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 8:56 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

I took my revenge every chance I got. I regret nothing.

posts: 2661   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8701747
default

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 9:28 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

I did get a bit of revenge. The OW had this blog and after dday2 I used to log in and just let it sit (open and logged in) for hours.

She thought my H was "stalking" her and pining for her. 😂

She got so freaked out she shut down her blog. And moved across the country.

She’s married now - her life is lived all over social media. Poor guy has no idea of the nut job he married.

My hope is that when she is married 25 years that some much younger OW will do to her what she did to me. Try to destroy lives and insert herself into a marriage. She’s not to blame entirely but she knew he was married but didn’t care.

I never did anything to her as I didn’t want my kids to find out. As I said she was a social media whore.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:29 AM, Tuesday, November 30th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11155   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8701750
default

GraceLoves ( member #78769) posted at 11:12 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

If I was like him, revenge would help, but I'm not like him.

Making other people feel bad or harming them, would just ultimately make me feel bad about myself and lose self-respect.

BW - seperated since Nov 21
DDay 1 - Nov 20, LTA during LDR. DDay 2 - Feb 21, ONS with AP. WH will maintain we were separated
DDay 3 - June 21, discovered WH had exchanged closure emails with AP

posts: 138   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8701761
default

ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 11:12 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

I obsessed over getting revenge mostly to my WS but for a bit the AP. Somehow I played it out in my head and kept coming back to the conclusion that I would hurt myself more than hurt them by doing something for this reason.

Can you play it out? I will say the need for revenge dissipates but boy when it is alive and thriving it is hard to push away.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2726   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8701760
default

Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 2:04 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

I got my revenge. She's stuck with him now! laugh

posts: 1555   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 8701789
default

earlydetour ( member #63207) posted at 2:44 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

I agree that acting out revenge would hurt myself more than hurt wh or the ows.

My advice is to consider this feeling to seek out revenge as something you need to explore and process (but not act on) as part of your healing. In what ways do you feel like acting out revenge scenerios? Start there and explore your whys. This is where I identified the specifics of where this trauma damaged me and what I needed to work on. Including what aspects of an intimate relationship I need and want to be different going forward.

Aim for the best case & plan for the worst case.When you encounter a detour on life's journey, pick yourself up and MAKE the road YOU want to be on. Finding my own path.

posts: 256   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8701798
default

DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 2:54 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

The problem is...what could you possibly do that would come close to what was done to you? Regular old cheating back won't do it. You can't legally commit murder. There just isn't any real revenge for this. The only potential revenge would be to carry on some kind of fake R for years and get them to trust you and become really happy and then cheat back, but then you'd have to live with yourself and who you had allowed yourself to become. So no one really benefits from that revenge. I'm not saying it's wrong to wish you could get revenge. That's gotta be pretty universal. It's just not attainable. You can't put some wrongs right. There's nothing I could do to my XWH to truly get revenge and thankfully I don't desire it. Time and space does wonders for this urge.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4783   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8701799
default

Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 4:00 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

In indulged in some pretty dark fantasies post DDays. But like DevastatedDee says "you can't legally commit murder". I cursed that law a few times in my head early on.

Those dark fantasies were quite frequent and vivid in the beginning.

As time passed, they faded.

Funny thing - I just heard from OBS recently. Kind of a warning. SHE still wants revenge of ME/WH shocked

The more time passed the old adage comes to mind - Living Well is the Best Revenge.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home)
Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS in 2018
Cease & Desist sent spring 2021
"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3365   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8701809
default

DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 4:25 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

Funny thing - I just heard from OBS recently. Kind of a warning. SHE still wants revenge of ME/WH

Wow. Those perpetual victim people are quite something, aren't they?

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4783   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8701810
default

Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 4:29 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

How did I reel myself in?

I respect myself.

I understand revenge, I always found a way to get back at people, when I was a kid.

Somewhere along the way I finally understood the old Chinese proverb, "If you’re seeking revenge, be sure to dig two graves."

In that sense, why lower myself or my standards for gratification that is both temporary and not as powerful as the pain I felt?

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4269   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8701811
default

HFSSC ( member #33338) posted at 6:12 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

We used to periodically have Revenge Fantasy threads here. It was therapeutic and even a little fun to share the fantasies and read others’ ideas. Always with the disclaimers you’ve already read here— in reality the fantasies would not satisfy the need or heal the hurt.

Several of mine:

For my 1st H (X-Shit) I had this very elaborate fantasy of hiring someone to abduct him and forcibly tattoo his genitals with something that looked like a horrible STD. That way he’d be forced to endure removal of it or else go around the rest of his life looking like his junk was rotting off. 😂😂😂

Back in 2011 when I went through this hell with JM, I fantasized about sending a box of used vibrators/etc to the OW with a note saying “Since you seem to like playing with my used sex toys, here’s a selection for you.”

She also had her mother call and threaten me one day. No kidding. The mom was yelling at me because I had “defamed” her daughter’s “character.” 🙄🙄🙄 They had met at work—JM worked at a newspaper at that time. I came very very close to putting a full page ad that said “RETRACTION/CORRECTION: Xxx Xxxxxx is NOT a nasty whore and I apologize for insinuating that. Just because she slept with my husband and took money from him does not make her a bad person.”

Me, 54
Him, 45 (JMSSC)
Married 24 years. Reconciled.

posts: 4658   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2011   ·   location: South Carolina
id 8701832
default

emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 9:23 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

Oh I love these. I find them so therapeutic.

My funny fantasy was sending COW an 'anonymous' bag of gummi penises (Dicks By Mail) with a bunch of balloons so that everyone in the office would see and leave a card that said "because I know you can't get enough office dick".

My less funny one was to smash her car windshield with the marble cheeseboard that she gave us as a wedding present.


HFSSC - I am literally giggling at this.

"RETRACTION/CORRECTION: Xxx Xxxxxx is NOT a nasty whore and I apologize for insinuating that. Just because she slept with my husband and took money from him does not make her a bad person."

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 743   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8701855
default

emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 9:26 PM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

Edit to actually answer the question: I never did any of the above because the cheeseboard thing was illegal and I was not getting a criminal record for this woman and I never did the other one because I know it wouldn't actually make me feel any better.

While we're being honest, I also dreamed of sending anonymous letters to the OW's parents and in-laws letting them know what she had done - I didn't do that because I knew it might hurt OBS who had always been kind to me.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 743   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8701859
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20220121 2002-2022 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy