Newest Member: Armyman9196

Reconciliation :
R Against Wishes of Friends & Family

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 Legend10 (original poster new member #79407) posted at 4:15 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Just after any advice if anyone has been through similar.

To put it briefly, 6 weeks or so after dday and separation my WW has asked to meet up and talk about us and essentially see if R would be possible and how that would actually work.

One thing I’m struggling with is I’ve been fairly open with friends and family over the nature of our split and they are more or less all of the opinion that they wouldn’t even entertain the idea of R with her.

So, if I do decide to R how do you go about re-integrating your WS back into family life and with friends? Not only that but dealing with the awkwardness of lots of mutual friends knowing what she did and dealing with the shame, for want of a better word, of people knowing you are a BS and stayed with the WS?

posts: 30   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2021
id 8692470
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Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 5:05 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

What has she done to make you feel she is a safe partner besides she being nice to you or offer you a ride home or lending you her car? Had she gone to IC and let you know her whys, the reasons she cheated?

It seems nothing has changed except a few weeks have passed and you miss having her company and you are willing to forgive? It is totally your decision to R but it seems without changes from your WW, you are setting yourself up for more heartache in the not too distance future.

Good luck.

posts: 164   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8692476
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 5:06 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

So exposure destroys an A, that much is true. But if you are going to consider R you have to understand some people in your life won't be able to support that decision. If they also can't keep their mouth shut about it to you, you might have to pull back contact with them.

After your WS has well and truly changed for the better, you might be able to say something stronger about recommitment. If you can forgive, certainly those that haven't been directly injured should be able to find their way to do so as well.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1403   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8692477
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 5:54 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

You don’t do anything, if there are friends who want both of you in their lives then it’s up to WS to do the mending and it’s her efforts that mend the bridges, a word or pushed encouragement from you to just welcome her back simply because you’re trying R will just push them away. It’s up to your wayward to make amends there.

As much as you want to keep all friends some will not agree with your choices and fade away. there will be others who stay but may only be there for you and only make time to connect with you. you can’t force them to include your wayward because it’s their choice to exclude her.

If you’re considering R losing the support of those who had your back does happen.

Edit: you’ll also be asked questions, friends will be concerned for you and mistrustful of her. IF she is unable to have conversations about it, answer some tough questioning or sit there and listen to friends concerns then that will also wedge friendships apart

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 6:05 AM, Sunday, October 10th]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 185   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8692478
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 Legend10 (original poster new member #79407) posted at 6:12 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

What has she done to make you feel she is a safe partner besides she being nice to you


Like I said, she’s asked to talk, there’s no more yet to this and I suspect I’ll be a bit clearer in how serious she is about this after that chat. I’m speaking in hypotheticals here and trying to go into this discussion with her armed with as many questions as possible and one of the big ones for me is the basis of this post.

Even if we were all in and committed behind closed doors how does an R work in the real world with family and friends and how do you overcome the pressures of the shame for her and the feeling of knowing people likely don’t support your decision for me.

posts: 30   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2021
id 8692481
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 6:19 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Even if we were all in and committed behind closed doors how does an R work in the real world with family and friends and how do you overcome the pressures of the shame for her and the feeling of knowing people likely don’t support your decision for me.

Acceptance that you will lose connections and outsiders will find it hard to accept your choice and understanding you can’t change people’s opinions over their own beliefs around infidelity and reconciliation. I guess you mourn the loss of those friends together as a couple and don’t hold ill feelings towards those who cut ties.

Was your support network invaluable during this? Can you live without it if R doesn’t work out? Those are questions to think about too.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 6:24 AM, Sunday, October 10th]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 185   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8692482
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 6:47 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

I’d worry about other things first. Is she still in her affair?


Normally when you see this it’s because she may have been dumped by her AP. Or he wasn’t what she thought he was and is looking for a soft comfortable spot to land.

Look up and read what it takes for a true reconciliation. She will have a heavy load to pull.

A lot just get back together. Repeated infidelity is not uncommon.

Don’t put the cart before the horse.

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8692484
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 7:22 AM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

She cheated. One of the many consequences of that is dealing with people not having a very high opinion of those actions.

It's on her to deal with that part of it.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3181   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8692486
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Unsure2019 ( member #71350) posted at 1:48 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

L,

Go back and read your first thread all the way through before you even think about meeting with her.

posts: 207   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: California
id 8692500
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HappilyMarried1 ( member #77296) posted at 3:01 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Sorry @Legend10

I really don't think based on her track record she is R material. Unless OM dumped her for lying to him about being separated I would bet she has been in contact with him at least electronically if not in person.

Also, as it seems you are considering it this is definitely to quick you in your just found out post less than 3 weeks ago said that there was no way you would take her back. Just don't make a quick decision you may regret. Best of luck!

posts: 70   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2021
id 8692507
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 3:31 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Beware of her back up plan. When a cheater leaves their spouse many times it scares the AP off. He didn’t want her full time he just wanted the hook up. When the WS find they don’t have either AP or BS they try to monkey branch back to safety.

I don’t know your story, and I’m not making assumptions but this is a pretty common thing if they get dumped.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 773   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8692512
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 4:19 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

ASSUMING she is R material (and your other posts don't give a lot to back up such an assumption):

She cheated. One of the many consequences of that is dealing with people not having a very high opinion of those actions.

It's on her to deal with that part of it.

It is common for a BS to feel shame about R - and having their family & social circle aware can exacerbate that. It's up to you to come to terms with the fact that your WS' cheating was NOT your fault (picture the scene in Good Will Hunting where Robin Williams says that to Matt Damon... it's not your fault). I told my family w/in a month of dday, and since then I've basically EDUCATED them on infidelity, relational betrayal trauma, etc. It's become a learning experience.

I think others have made good points about the potential loss of a support system. Personally, if anyone one of my friends/family who is aware of the cheating, cannot be supportive of MY decision to R (or not), then they weren't very good friends/ support system to begin with and I'm better off not having them in my life. They can still share their feelings about it with me - I welcome hearing about their concern, as its a way to show they care about MY wellbeing. They can still be as angry with my WH as they like and express that to him as they see fit. That's my WH's problem - not mine. I won't even try to "protect" him from any of that. If it's uncomfortable for him to be around someone who knows, that's his problem. He can stay home or deal with it.

There seems to be a perspective that the cheater's infidelity only impacts the BS / kids (e.g., it's a "personal" matter). I've never ascribed to that point of view. I believe the tentacles of infidelity reach very far & wide - including to family, friends, and even the wider community, in that the WS has committed a FRAUD against all of us.

Just my $0.02

[This message edited by gmc94 at 4:30 PM, Sunday, October 10th]

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3441   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8692519
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 5:17 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

I’m sorry you are impacted by infidelity.

Here is my experience. Maybe it will help.

I planned to D my H after his second Affair and dday2 (b/c one Dday is just not enough duh ). I told our families we were D b/c I was not going to be blamed for the D or allow him to use the "we grew apart" crap many cheaters try to pull by blaming the Betrayed Spouse.

Anyway it’s been 8 years. We are happily reconciled. It took some family members longer to accept than others but it is like it never happened so to speak.

My friends don’t negatively judge me and I don’t care if people do. It’s their issue. Not mine.

If you think you can make R work snd your wife is willing to do everything possible to make amends snd she really is remorseful, and YOU want to consider it, then you should.

But know it will not be the same marriage. Hopefully issues are addressed and your wife will change. For the better.

And if friends express their doubts understand they are doing it out of love snd concern. Don’t be defensive or argue. Acknowledge they have a right to be concerned but you are fully aware of the risks and are prepared to face them in the hopes the marriage can be restored.

Best of luck to you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8692526
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Shockt ( member #74399) posted at 5:31 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

This is hard. You've received great advice from all the posters above. I especially agree with "don't put the cart before the horse." While I totally understand why the reaction/loyalty of your support system is such a concern for you, these reactions aren't something within your control - or necessarily predictable. Focusing on them too much may lead you away from what is most important - which is your own feelings about what happened and whether or not reconciliation will be good for YOU. You're going to need to trust YOURSELF here. I consulted SI some time ago on this same issue as I considered R with my WS. I told "only" my 2 siblings and spouses and 3 very close friends the details of what went down (and they were bad). Many here on SI said friends and family "will follow your lead." In my experience (now about 1 1/2 years post dday and about a year into pretty successful (so far) R, that has generally been true. An important factor may be how your friends/family felt about your spouse pre A. I notice that my siblings and 2 of 3 friends - all of whom thought highly of and loved- my S pre A have "followed my lead" and have been wonderful to both of us - support for me during discovery phase - and gracious to both of us now in the R phase. There may be one very close friend who will never be able to accept it - and I believe that is partially because she and he had some angry words pre and unrelated to A - over the course of our very long friendship. However, she (and her husband) have joined us for dinner and a weekend away - so she's "trying" if only for my sake. Obviously all these people (like me) will never see my husband in quite the same way - we are all aware now that he is broken in a way that we didn't know about before and we were all hurt by his deceit.

Also, as others have said, take your time in all of this. 6 weeks isn't long. My husband and I separated for 6 months, and I think that time apart was helpful. Don't be too hard on yourself about considering R and others' views about your willingness to do that. As is often said here on SI (and was certainly true for me) almost all of us think that infidelity of any sort would be a deal breaker in our marriages/relationships. People who have not faced it themselves really have no idea how they might react. Marriages and relationships are complicated. Good and lasting ones require transparency, honesty, intimacy, good communication, trust, and resiliency. Getting to and maintaining those things requires a lot from both people.

posts: 77   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2020
id 8692529
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 5:37 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Legend - I wouldn’t worry do much at this point what others think because you are still in infidelity. You are still talking to a known cheater and liar, and gave know idea if she’s still cheating snd lying to you at this point

So gir right now, assume you are plan B. At your meeting, if your WGF brings up a desire to R, you need to remember that you are the prize. Do not engage in the pick me dance, in any fashion. You need to exude confidence like the 180 prescribes.

You should tell her that you’re not sure if you really want to R because she’s proven herself to be a cheater snd a liar. However, you’ll think about R under the following non negotiable conditions. And remember, you know this was an 18 month EA, but there’s a high probability this was also a PA. You need to determine if this is potentially something you could live with re R. In any case, these should be non negotiables at a minimum:

NC with AP
A written detailed timeline
A poly to verify the timeline

posts: 154   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8692534
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 5:42 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

Plus, complete access to all electronics and social media plus GPS tracking on phone snd car.

If she decries like before that she can’t live like this without trust, then make a quick exit from the meeting.

DO NOT Negotiate!

posts: 154   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8692535
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HFSSC ( member #33338) posted at 6:46 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

I had no shame in our M when everything blew apart. When I got sober in 2008 I made amends and worked very hard to repair relationships in my life. I learned the difference between humility and humiliation. The A that blew us up in 2011 was entirely JM’s to own and any shame was his to manage and work through.

And he did. He worked his ass off and he did not care one bit about the shame. That was one of the ways I knew the difference between false R and true R. When we were in false R he “needed” me beside him everywhere we went, especially to church and around our families. I was asked to be the worship leader at our church and he just freaked out and said he needed me to sit beside him and not be up leading music.

When false R blew up and he finally got his head out of his butt, he was willing to go to ANY length to repair not only our M but also the relationships between him and our families, friends and church. He went to my parents, my siblings, he addressed our whole church one Sunday.

If your WW is not ready to take the reins and repair all of those relationships along with everything else she blew up, she is not R material.

As far as your friends and family not supporting R, if you make that decision, you may have to have some conversations like I did. “I know that you love me and I am so grateful for your support through the tough times I’ve been through. What I most need from you now is some space as WW and I continue to work through our issues.” If anyone feels the need to push or pry, you might have to just put some space there yourself.

I know you’re just speculating. Please, please listen to those of us who walked this path before you. Do not R with her unless and until she proves that she is worthy.

Me, 54
Him, 45 (JMSSC)
Married 24 years. Reconciled.

posts: 4616   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2011   ·   location: South Carolina
id 8692546
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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 8:02 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

I don’t know your backstory like others do, so I’m just going to answer your original question from my perspective.

I never really understood why a friend would stop associating with someone just because they decided to stay with their partner after infidelity. Unless a minor was involved, or something else illegal, why do they care so much? It doesn’t affect their day to day. They don’t have to be married to the cheating spouse.

I think it boils down to their own deep rooted fears and insecurities. Unfaithfulness in a marriage isn’t something they can allow themselves to tolerate, because what if that happened to them? If it did, well they would most definitely leave, because what’s the alternative? Staying? Isn’t that essentially saying it’s ok for their partner to cheat? That’s some really scary shit that no one wants to dive into until they absolutely have to. (I know I didn’t)

So, I wouldn’t take it personally if someone didn’t want to be your friend anymore for your decision to stay. Or even with friends or family member’s judgement of you. It’s not something they can understand, and they likely aren’t going to try to. Just keep in mind no one knows what they will do in a situation until they themselves are in it.

Boundaries are great for any type of relationship. If you do decide to R, have some boundaries in place with what you are willing to talk about with others, not talk about, behavior you will tolerate, and behavior you will not. If anything you’re unwilling to accept comes up, address it, and then enforce it if you need to.

Good luck on your journey no matter what you decide.

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 692   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8692557
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Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 9:16 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

The last thing on my mind so soon after Dday was what people may have thought about me. The WS did the crime, this is a consequence of that.
The longer I’ve gone through recovery, the more that it’s seems almost everyone I know has been touched by this in one way or another in their relationships. If you WANT to talk with her DO. Don’t let what friends or family dictate how you proceed. Marriage is hard enough. Take care of you. Make yourself safe for you. If it is meant to work out, the truth will come out. My heart goes out to you.

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son

posts: 182   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8692569
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svengundenblum ( new member #78794) posted at 9:16 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021

"Come into my parlour said the spider to the fly."

DON'T

Just

DON'T.

posts: 6   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8692568
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