Newest Member: Armyman9196

Reconciliation :
R Against Wishes of Friends & Family

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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 1:13 AM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

Legend10:

A previous poster suggested you read your own post - I think you referred to it as "my story"

18 months she has been cheating - maybe not physical - but mental - then the business trip when you caught her having physical stuff - (only twice? Riiiight!)

when was that - six weeks ago?


I suggest you live seperate for at least 6 months - maybe longer - see if she develops some real remorse and COMES UP ON HER OWN with things she needs to do to "win you back."

Right now I see you as the frog with the scorpion on it's back swimming across the stream -

Any trust right now is to soon, to early, unlikely to earn you anything but more pain.

Not Just Friends

posts: 558   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8692590
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 2:18 AM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

Legend,

You wrote So, if I do decide to R how do you go about re-integrating your WS back into family life and with friends? Not only that but dealing with the awkwardness of lots of mutual friends knowing what she did and dealing with the shame, for want of a better word, of people knowing you are a BS and stayed with the WS?

Perhaps it's worse when people see how your WW is acting and even seeing her with OMs and say nothing.

It's better for you to stand up than let gossip circulate.

Had your WW murdered someone no one would conceal her crime, yet she murders her own family and somehow that deserves the code of silence? Yes some people might laugh about how you couldn't keep your WW happy, but you can't let ignoramuses like that stop you from making the right choices.

posts: 1056   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8692596
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longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 4:14 AM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

Where we last left things you did not have the full story. Now she is fishing for R. Do you have all the facts? If not, you are completely wasting your time.

posts: 1075   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8692607
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 Legend10 (original poster new member #79407) posted at 9:31 AM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

Just a quick update on this.

I don't even think she is fishing for R or considering it now, although I don't even know to be honest, she's got my head in such a spin I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I read it one way (first baby steps towards R), now she's saying she's found it very hard to open up to me about how she feels but that because we had been communicating well she fells comfortable enough now to open up to me but she wants to do it in person rather than via text so there could be no mixed messages. She again gave me the "I love you but I don't think I'm in love with you line" and said this meeting wasn't about discussing us getting back together again, just her being open with her feelings.

I had a bit of a wobble last night because of all of this, one minute you think one thing, the next it's the complete opposite. This was also compounded by actually breathing the same air as her yesterday for the first time since we split (5/6 weeks or so ago) as we both attended my sons football game. I found it incredibly difficult and upon seeing her all my feelings for her came flooding back in an instant. I'm just going to take 24 hours at least from texts and social media and just try and re-centre myself again before deciding what to do.

[This message edited by Legend10 at 9:31 AM, Monday, October 11th]

posts: 30   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2021
id 8692619
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OrdinaryDude ( member #55676) posted at 10:42 AM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

Those feelings are exactly why you should not meet her or spend any time with her unless necessary for your child.

She can’t manipulate you as easily via text, but in person she will try. Don’t give her the opportunity.

I recommend moving as much correspondence to email as is possible, it is easier to catalog that way.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 4:47 AM, October 11th (Monday)]

Me - BH 50+
Her - WW 50+
Married 30+ years, 2 adult kids
(1989) PA Rug-Swept
(2002) EA Rug-Swept
(2016) EA *Getting Out Of Infidelity*

**Working at Reconciling**

posts: 3384   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: The Big Easy
id 8692621
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 12:03 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

Agree with OrdinaryDude. Do not meet with her. She only wants to meet to justify her actions and perhaps she wants to put you in the “friend zone”. She will only hurt you more and the meeting is only for her benefit. She wants you to help her feel better about her betrayal. You have mentioned she is a narcissist. This is all part of the play book. No contact except about child matters. Value yourself. Over time your feelings will fade when you happen to be at the same events. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2830   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8692624
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:04 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

Do. Not. Meet. With. Her.

Once you get the ILYBNILWY speech, she’s not in love with you and this meeting has no value or purpose except for her to justify her lying cheating choices AND blame you for it.

I’ve been down this road. It is hell. You are in limbo and having a marriage in limbo is like living in hell.

You need to decide that you have to put yourself FIRST. And that means protecting yourself.

I suggest you get an attorney ASAP.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8692626
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 1:25 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

One of the reasons for NC is to give the BS enough time and distance to desensitise from the WS manipulation, to gain the power of sniffing out the bullsh!t. NC also allows you to detach so when she talks about her and spreads her lies it won’t hurt li It does now.

It’s too early, you need several weeks of her out of your ear/head before any kind of physical confrontation. If you take a step back there really is no reason why she can’t put her words in an email however doing so gives you "evidence" of details that highlights what a giant turd she is, no she needs to see you so she can manipulate you into her way of thinking. She’ll push her agenda and justifications and you won’t be ready without decent time NC.

It’s too soon, call a rain check and schedule the meet in the new year if you must see her (though I wouldn’t) or better still get her to put it in an email, I’ll put money on it that it’s short and all about her without getting to the point. She could simply try and play the “let’s be friends “ so you don’t fight in court.

Remember actions not words, you’re allowing her words to matter while disregarding actions.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 1:44 PM, Monday, October 11th]

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 186   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8692627
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 2:47 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

Definitely go NC with her immediately, unless it’s about the kid. You have no reason to listen to her true feelings. That’s not your concern anymore. All she’s trying to do is offload her guilt.

You need to stay strong and go NC!

posts: 154   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8692632
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 4:16 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

Wasn't the OM just some random guy she met at the gym?
All because she was bored and felt she needed more passion in her life?

What's changed? No spouse/marriage can provide the sort of passion offered by an affair.
Therefore, are you her plan B until she finds another AP?

Before meeting her I suggest:

1 - You insist on a timeline.
2 - She lists 10 reasons why it's to your benefit to R (with no mention of love).
3 - She provides an action plan (that you can verify progress) to make herself a safe partner ...and to rebuild trust.

posts: 2422   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8692645
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 Legend10 (original poster new member #79407) posted at 4:24 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

Wasn't the OM just some random guy she met at the gym?

No, you must be thinking of another poster :-)

This guy was someone from her past 15 ish years ago that she knew before meeting me, he randomly got in touch with her via social media and they just started talking catching up about old times, nothing sinister to begin with and then at some point it developed into an EA and then finally a PA (one kiss, not sex) from what she tells me.

posts: 30   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2021
id 8692649
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13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 5:00 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

Regarding the original topic, I told everyone. My mom and my sister were PISSED, but they eventually came around when they saw how remorseful he was and how hard he was working at R. 99% of our relationships survived, but the friendship between my H and one of his best USMC buddies was damaged beyond repair. The friend was under the impression that H took "Semper Fi" as seriously as he did. It died mostly because my H was ashamed and avoided him. He deeply regrets not repairing the friendship.

Regarding whether you should meet with her: Don't do it because she wants to. Since she led with ILYBINILWY, I think others are right when they say that she would like to offload her guilt. What do you think that you would get out of it?

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.

DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married

posts: 570   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8692657
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:40 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

I thought you were jumping the gun. At the start of this thread, all you had was a hope that she wanted to get back together. You want R, and you're letting your desire cloud your thinking.

I'm generally all for communication after d-day, because that's how you will find out how good a candidate the WS may be. In your case, however, your W is still in ILYBINILWY mode, so you know she's a lousy candidate at this time.

She doesn't want to do anything for you at this meeting. She wants to dump her feelings onto you. She may very well want to meet to tell exactly how you made her cheat. She may very well use the meeting to justify the unjustifiable.

The fact that you took a desire to meet to be a desire to R makes me recommend not meeting at this time. My reco is stay NC until you see both R & D as paths to a joyful life.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26161   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8692670
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 7:27 PM on Monday, October 11th, 2021

Drop the hopium pipe. All you’re doing is keeping yourself bound.

posts: 6711   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8692677
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 Legend10 (original poster new member #79407) posted at 9:44 AM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

An update for you all on this. A week has gone by since she said she wanted to meet up to talk and yet this meet up hasn't happened.

I essentially gave her an ultimatum, that if she wants to talk then lets talk, if she doesn't then just say so we can both move on. Her response was that there's no coming back from this so I've drawn a line in the sand, blocked her on whatsapp (our main method of communication) and instructed her to only communicate with me on matters relating to our son and to do it via email.

This seems very final now and I'm feeling a bit strange about it all but 6 weeks on from D Day I finally feel like I know where I stand and can start to think about how my life will look without her.

posts: 30   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2021
id 8693280
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:46 AM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

I’m sorry for you that your wife is just abandoning the marriage snd just walking away.

She had an exit affair and has no intention of reconciling. That has to hurt.

At least you know where you stand and you need to get an attorney to start the legal process of custody and child support negotiation.

I’m sorry for you. You deserve better than this.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8693282
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13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 2:40 PM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

Her response was that there's no coming back from this

I wonder if she thinks that there's no coming back from this for you. My H was convinced that once he told me I'd be 100% done. I had to convince him that yes, I wanted to R.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.

DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married

posts: 570   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8693362
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 Legend10 (original poster new member #79407) posted at 3:20 PM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

I wonder if she thinks that there's no coming back from this for you.

To be honest, I don't care, I've wasted so much time the past 6 weeks trying to analyse every word she says and trying to figure out what she's thinking. I've had enough torturing myself now, I'm going full NC and moving on.

posts: 30   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2021
id 8693412
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13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 3:27 PM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

I support you in that. Probably a wise choice. smile

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.

DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married

posts: 570   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8693421
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 5:00 PM on Friday, October 15th, 2021

Ummm ... look, 6 weeks is nothing. You are still almost definitely in shock. Do not try to rush your recovery. Rushing things multiplies the likelihood of making mistakes by orders of magnitude.

Focus on what you want. But remember that recovery will take, probably, 2-5 years.

So, if I do decide to R how do you go about re-integrating your WS back into family life and with friends? Not only that but dealing with the awkwardness of lots of mutual friends knowing what she did and dealing with the shame, for want of a better word, of people knowing you are a BS and stayed with the WS?

Who gives a shit? You need to decide what you want, irrespective of what others may think. You are the only one who lives your life. You'll make your own Hell if you try to force yourself into someone else's mold.

You can't do much at all to integrate anyone except yourself into anything. You can not control anyone but yourself. You do what you do. Other people respond. THAT'S ALL!

Stop thinking about what your W is or is not doing. Stop thinking it's your job to heal her. In fact, stop thinking you can do anything for her beyond giving her emotional support while she heals herself - and you're under no obligation even to do that.

Focus on yourself. If you want to split, split.

If you want to R, then your WS and what she wants and will do become relevant. But you be yourself, and go for what you want.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26161   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8693446
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