Newest Member: AcesEights

New Beginnings :
Opinions on monogamy following divorce after infidelity?

default

 sillyoldsod (original poster member #43649) posted at 12:18 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Some may find this subject TRIGGERY so to start with here's a health warning to those starting out on their new relationship journeys. I do not wish to cause anyone any more pain!!

Maybe this thread would be better in General (Mods please feel free to move or even delete) but I'm interested in how those who have been through the trauma of infidelity and have eventually come out the other side now feel about the concept of monogamy and whether their beliefs have changed at all as a result of being cheated on as they start new relationships, particularly those who were in long term marriages and are of a certain age! grin

I'm much more interested in opinions from BS's but remorseful and reconciling WS's thoughts are welcome also as are those who have found a path going forward that doesn't embrace the concept of monogamy in their relationship(s).

From my own perspective the deep betrayal 6 years ago following a 25 year relationship, certainly made me think deeply about this subject and how I can (maybe?) protect myself from ever experiencing this kind of pain ever again. (I have been and still am monogamous in all my relationships).

This is all very subjective so I hope we will respect other's opinions that might differ from our own on this personal and sensitive issue.

I've never met a sociopath I didn't like.

posts: 662   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2014   ·   location: UK
id 8691014
default

Gottagetthrough ( member #27325) posted at 1:20 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

BS. Married at nine years when the first affair happened. That was a PA. Married 19 years when I found out about affair number two, that was an EA. Have since found out that while we were separated and he was with OW1 he had sexual relationships with about five other women.

I have always been monogamous in a relationship. Even when I started dating WH, I remember an ex-boyfriend wanted to go out and date again, I think I went to his dorm room and he tried to kiss me or get physical in someway. I don’t really remember. And I said no, he said is there another guy, and literally I had just accepted my first date with WH. And WH Face popped into my head. I literally known this guy for not even a week probably LOL and there I was being faithful to him. Ha ha Ha, what a joke.

So, I really don’t think that my views on monogamy have changed. I would not be against having a relationship now as a separated person. As WH and I are not divorced, we still live in the same house, but different rooms, and I don’t really care to work out any issues, because I’ve tried so hard for so many years. But having to love interest at the same time. I personally could not do that. If my partner had multiple love interests, I would be very jealous. And I am not interested in dating or having a relationship with more than one person at a time. I don’t think that I could give all of my attention and love to two people or more people. I think just the person I am I need to just focus on one person.

This is sort of similar. I am a stay at home mom, because I don’t believe that I could balance work and home life well. I tend to hyperfocus, and when I have worked when I had kids, I let a lot of stuff slide for them, because I hyper focused on work. I would probably do the same if I had multiple partners. I would hyperfocus on one, and neglect the other

posts: 3638   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8691018
default

Humbled123 ( member #62947) posted at 1:25 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Definitely an interesting topic. I am still married in R 4yrs. I have definitely thought about this and what dating would look like. I definitely view this subject differently post A.
"Certain age"😂

posts: 202   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018
id 8691020
default

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:41 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

I’m always gonna be me. Not a liar or cheater.

However I don’t trust people until they can prove they have character.

And even then I would always wonder. 🤪

Even though reconciled and we are happy I know if I were single again I would not date seriously or have a "relationship " where monogamy was required. It would be very different for me knowing what I see and lived through.

I won’t make the same choices again.

But yet I believe there are people who believe in monogamy. And who would not cheat.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10878   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8691022
default

Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 1:53 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Monogamy remains very important to me, and I would not be in a relationship where that wasn't agreed-to after a period of time.

That being said, I also think boundaries are at least as important, maybe more. If someone has good boundaries and good self-awareness of themselves and the impact of their behavior, that's a good start to a healthy relationship.

I also think taking time getting to know someone and not rushing into a "relationship" right away is very important. Seeing someone in all facets of their life and yours is telling in so many ways.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 32965   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8691027
default

LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 2:06 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

My primal pair bond is far too strong that the concept of ethical non-monogamy is lost on me. monogamy is so much more than just sex to me, it’s having that partner, that confidant, that one who has my back while I have theirs. Loyalty remains important and desirable to me, I wouldn’t give loyalty up for someone who isn’t equally all in.

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 216   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8691031
default

 sillyoldsod (original poster member #43649) posted at 2:15 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Thank you for the replies thus far.

If my partner had multiple love interests, I would be very jealous.

I guess this would be relevant to the vast majority of people?

I've never met a sociopath I didn't like.

posts: 662   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2014   ·   location: UK
id 8691034
default

Anna123 ( member #70908) posted at 3:31 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

I have discovered since divorce that it is in my core and I still believe in it. As far as non-manogomy without cheating, I see so many unhappy souls on an emotional level who chase sex as entertainment, not mentioning the unintended real world consequences. I am pretty much the same time-line as you and of a 'certain age'. My bottom-line reason, (other than the wisdom passed down through the ages and learning as I get older there there are reasons why certain advice has been passed down), is men that aren't monogomous are unattractive to me so it wouldn't work anyhow!

In the beginning after divorce, I wished I could just let loose and have some fun, but reality struck and I learned the thought of a superficial relationship where I am an object to another, is NOT a fun thought at all. It feels terribly off in my own personal view.

posts: 636   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8691045
default

TwoDozen ( member #74796) posted at 6:47 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Hell I can’t even get my head around being in a new monogamous relationship never mind thinking about being non-monogamous or polyamorous - each to their own, good luck to them, but not for me thanks. TD

Play stupid games ; Win stupid prizes

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2020
id 8691073
default

MrsWalloped ( member #62313) posted at 7:20 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

WW here. I know I may be entering the lions den, but I'll dip my toe in.

I always believed in monogamy. My BH and I were onlies until he was no longer my only because of my A. I am still his only. I still believe in monogamy and it is important to me. And I know how self-serving that sounds and how hypocritical that comes across. But a big part of what I worked on since DDay has been around understanding who I am, what a lot of my underlying core issues were and developing healthy coping mechanisms and a variety of tools to deal with them. I also spent a lot of time trying to gain back my own integrity and self-appreciation. Believing in and being in a monogamous relationship is part of that for me. Even if my BH and I divorced tomorrow, I could only see myself in a monogamous relationship. Not being in one would undo or undermine the years of work and defining who I was, where I strayed and who I worked at becoming again. I am not judging anyone who is in an open and honest polyamorous relationship, but I couldn't do that.

Me: WW 47
My BH: Walloped 48
A: 3/15 - 8/15 (2 month EA, turned into 3 month PA)
DDay: 8/3/15
In R

posts: 723   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2018
id 8691076
default

countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 6:37 PM on Friday, October 1st, 2021

I dated a lady for a few months who insisted that monogamy was toxic and that we both should date anyone we wanted. I was not interested in dating around and never pursued any other dates with others. As far as I know, she was dating someone else when she and I started our friendship, but that "relationship" ended because the guy was jealous about the amount of time her and I spent together strictly as friends. Ultimately, we ended up dating exclusively and even talked about how the 'hookup' culture was likely more toxic than her thoughts of monogamy.

I don't think I have it in me to be able to seriously date more than one person at any time. That's not to say that I am opposed to casual dates with zero expectations other than getting acquainted with more than 1 person at once but even that seems a little sketchy.

3 adult sons
Married 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 329   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8691238
default

AnnieOakley ( member #13332) posted at 10:39 PM on Friday, October 1st, 2021

I have always been monogamous. In my efforts to start online dating prior to the pandemic last year I quickly realized I could not really even "multi-date" much less engage in any type of physical activity (even a quick kiss) with more than one man at a time. I had two dates w two different guys one weekend and that was literally too much for me. 😂

I make that very clear in my early exchanges with a man. Even more so since the pandemic. My sexual and physical health both are vitally important to me. Emotional health…I can really only focus on one man at a time. If someone does not feel the same, I’m fine with them moving on.

I rather shrug my shoulders at the term ethical non-monogamy. To each their own. It will never work for me.

Me= BSHim=xWH (did the work & became the man I always thought he was, but it was too late)M=23+,T=27+dday=7/06, 8/09 (pics at a work function), 11/09 VAR, 6/12 Sep'd, 10/14 Divorced."If you are going through hell, keep going."

posts: 1691   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2007   ·   location: Pacific Time Zone
id 8691277
default

gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 3:12 PM on Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

Not (yet) D, but haven't changed views on monogamy. I don't have a personal problem with polyamory - I don't have to understand it or agree with it, but I do want to respect the choice of others to engage their lives as THEY see fit - even if it would not be for me.

When I began to date the last serious partner before I met my WH, he did not want to commit to monogamy. I wasn't particularly happy with that stance, but I did agree to not being sexually exclusive. Several months later, I began a casual sexual relationship with another man, which I did really enjoy. I did not - and do not- see it as cheating, as there was no commitment to monogamy. When my "serious" partner learned of the other relationship, he was very hurt and angry, which I honestly could not understand, as I was playing by his "rules" (to this day I don't know if he was also seeing anyone else).

In retrospect, I think my enjoying that secondary relationship should have been a big red flag about the primary partner. Not bc I was cheating, but bc I found the other person better suited sexually, to my values, etc. I suppose that would be one of the MANY differences in how one thinks in their early 20s vs one's 50s grin I'd like to think that if I were in that situation today, I'd re-evaluate things very very differently (eg - why on earth would anyone even consider staying with a partner, who wanted HIS sexual options open, but not mine? ).

Today, I don't think I'd have sex with someone w/o an agreement to be sexually exclusive - I just don't need that taking up any headspace (and my BOB works just fine laugh )

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3509   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8691317
default

phmh ( member #34146) posted at 10:05 PM on Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

I have always been very committed to the concept of monogamy, and having been cheated on, I remain as committed to the concept as before.

What has changed is I realize that people can say all the right things yet behave in ways that are completely contrary to their words. I was so naive! I could not have vetted my WXH more than I did on this subject. I am in a monogamous, committed relationship for over 6 years. However, I still get full panel STD tests as part of my annual checkup (which my BF and I toast every year when everything comes back clean) and I will not get married again since I will almost certainly be the higher-earning and higher-asset partner (which I am in my current relationship) and I don't want to wind up having to lose half of everything (again) to a cheater in a divorce.

I trust my BF in this area as much as I could possibly trust anyone, but keep safeguards to protect my physical and financial health.

Any sort of non-monogamy does not work for me. I'd far rather be single. It's not even close.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4978   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 8691352
default

GiveTimeTime ( member #45868) posted at 7:42 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

My ex-husband and I “played” with others sometimes.

We had a VERY clear rules. It had to be something we agreed on, and we both had to be present. There was absolutely no room for going off on our own with someone else.

I was into it the first time or two, mostly for curiosity purposes. After that, it really became something I did for him, because he really liked it, and I was the “cool wife“.

That seemed to work out fine until I found out he had been fucking prostitutes behind my back during his lunch break for many years.

There are people who have suggested to me that our arrangement might have somehow giving him the idea that what he was doing behind my back was somehow OK. It absolutely wasn’t OK, and he knew perfectly well that it wasn’t OK.

That said, in the future, if I ever fall in love again, I have zero interest in any type of non-monogamy. WAY too Triggering for me. I’d like to know what it’s like to be someone’s one and only for a change.

[This message edited by GiveTimeTime at 7:33 PM, October 4th (Monday)]

Me: 50 Him: 59
Married 14 years, together 19.
D-day: 3/6/14
Me; loving, devoted, faithful wife
Him: lying, cheating, wh0re fu€king john
6/4/15 - Divorced. Done. I wasn't kidding, asshole.

posts: 456   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2014   ·   location: Las Vegas
id 8691583
default

EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 11:29 PM on Monday, October 4th, 2021

My xwh decided he was polyamorous after almost 8 years of us being together because his 18yo AP was and she 'opened his eyes' to the fact that he was too. rolleyes

Look - if everyone involved in the relationships is on board with ethical non-monogamy then fine - you do you boo. I don't have an issue with others living their lives the way they choose to.

For me? Yeah no. Not. ever. going. to. happen. I am monogamous - was before dday and am even more so now. And I would run screaming for the hills if any potential romantic partner of mine made any noise about being non-monogamous. That just would not ever work with my and my core beliefs.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3201   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8691622
default

 sillyoldsod (original poster member #43649) posted at 11:27 AM on Saturday, October 23rd, 2021

I thought I might try and resurrect the thread a bit as I've been educating myself further. This is something that is deeply personal to each individual and I'm just putting out ideas to try and stimulate some discussion between those who have been on both sides of infidelity. I am NOT espousing any particular kind of lifestyle. I have always been monogamous and am currently in a monogamous relationship.

Definitely an interesting topic. I am still married in R 4yrs. I have definitely thought about this and what dating would look like. I definitely view this subject differently post A.
"Certain age"😂

So expand on this if you will Humbled123! Really interesting that you're 4 years into R but reading between the lines are you looking for a different kind of marriage as a couple going forward and might you be looking for ways to protect yourself from further potential emotional pain or are you suggesting the possibility of divorce and a totally new way of dating for yourself?

Something I came across that was published in the Journal of Applied Philosophy is titled 'Is the requirement of sexual exclusivity consistent with romantic love?' I found it a fascinating read. If anyone has the time and inclination to Google it and comment I'd love to read your thoughts.

MrsWalloped thank you for your contribution.

I still believe in monogamy and it is important to me.

Although I'm a BS I think I can kind of understand this coming from a FWS.

I am not judging anyone who is in an open and honest polyamorous relationship...

And that is the issue whatever type of relationship you're in... Honesty!

I expect as a guy I'm in a very small minority here but I've come to understand it wasn't my XW's sexual acts with another man that broke me. It was the feelings of deceipt, betrayal and above all rejection. Total and utter rejection of me as a person and that someone could repeatedly lie by omission over something so primal. I will repeat...it was not the act itself. It's how I felt about those acts and the deception used to make them come about. I went into extreme lizard brain mode!

I know neither my XW or myself would have been emotionally or psychologically mature enough to actually communicate our thoughts, feelings and desires about the possibility of 'consenting non-monogamy' before her affair because we were both young, naive and innocent all those years ago! Additionally she had a lot of FOO issues and as a couple we both had a large degree of shame and repressed baggage. Hell, we didn't even discuss the possibility of how we'd handle infidelity because the very thought of cheating just wasn't on our radar at that time. Why would it have been with our unscratched rose tinted glasses on?

I've rambled on enough I think. blush

My ex-husband and I "played" with others sometimes.

We had a VERY clear rules. It had to be something we agreed on, and we both had to be present. There was absolutely no room for going off on our own with someone else.

I was into it the first time or two, mostly for curiosity purposes. After that, it really became something I did for him, because he really liked it, and I was the "cool wife".

That seemed to work out fine until I found out he had been fucking prostitutes behind my back during his lunch break for many years.

I'm sorry it went wrong for you GTT due to your XH being a selfish lying asshole. It should have been a fun setup for both of you but of course due to your XH's extracurricular lunch break activities it was lacking that most important word again...Honesty! sad

I've never met a sociopath I didn't like.

posts: 662   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2014   ·   location: UK
id 8694761
default

GiveTimeTime ( member #45868) posted at 11:32 PM on Monday, October 25th, 2021

I'm sorry it went wrong for you GTT due to your XH being a selfish lying asshole. It should have been a fun setup for both of you but of course due to your XH's extracurricular lunch break activities it was lacking that most important word again...Honesty!

Yep, he had a pretty good thing going.

So, I guess his objective with the prostitutes wasn’t just the excitement of strange pussy, since he got more of that than most married men. It was more about his control of the prostitutes, or his thinking that he was getting away with something, or fooling me… or I don’t know what it was.

No longer care.

Me: 50 Him: 59
Married 14 years, together 19.
D-day: 3/6/14
Me; loving, devoted, faithful wife
Him: lying, cheating, wh0re fu€king john
6/4/15 - Divorced. Done. I wasn't kidding, asshole.

posts: 456   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2014   ·   location: Las Vegas
id 8695039
default

RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 5:51 AM on Monday, November 1st, 2021

I was completely blindsided by my wife's deep betrayal of our 23 year marriage, with children.

I have to be honest, I considered never getting married again. I thought that if my WW could cheat on me, it's highly probable that anyone else would cheat on me also. I was convinced the whole human race was not to be trusted and marriage was for idealistic fools.

I'm remarried.

I got tired of the superficial relationships and wanted more and my partners eventually also wanted something more. Talk of marriage would always come up as the relationship evolved. Didn't matter how independent and modern thinking the woman was, if the relationship was allowed to evolve to a point of becoming a loving relationship, monogamy would just naturally become a mutual desire.

I do realize that there those who can fall in love and remain polyamorous. Perhaps they're more enlightened-evolved than I. I just can't do it. I can't fall in love and share her with others.

posts: 731   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8696072
default

Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 2:37 PM on Monday, November 1st, 2021

I understand wanting to avoid the pain of betrayal again, but I think avoiding monogamy isn't really the answer. I mean, it's your choice to not get married and not get into a serious relationship again and I think that's ok. But finding someone you end up loving and then trying for non monogamy with that person does not make sense to me as a solution.

Now, I understand that open relationships can work for some and even polyamory, which I find particularly perplexing, can work for a few in our current culture too. But these things are not the solution to having been betrayed. They seem to me to come from rather a deep seated belief or need for multiple partners at different levels. And from my limited knowledge, they appear to be fraught with their own perils and do not automatically protect you from infidelity either; unless there are absolutely no rules involved which probably isn't the case if you are in a long term relationship.

posts: 405   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8696105
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20211124 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy