Newest Member: Butterfly19

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Scenes from a marriage

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 hikingout (original poster member #59504) posted at 5:34 AM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

Was checking in today and while I was here I thought I would post this warning. I just watched episode 2 of the new hbo show scenes from a marriage. It tore my heart out. Just wanted to throw out the trigger warning. Not familiar with the original book. If I can say one thing about it, I kind of wish I watched it about 4.5 years ago. Finally something that doesn’t glamorize infidelity ( at least not so far)

(Probably what led to checking the forum tonight, just putting that together.

WW/BW BH/WH Turnthepage My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PAHis Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5922   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8689669
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Jameson1977 ( member #54177) posted at 6:25 AM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

Nice to see you post hikingout, hope you are well.

I’ve avoided this series as I have heard it might be triggering. I posted about Click Bait on Netflix. Triggering but for a different reason.

posts: 720   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8689675
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rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 10:31 AM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

Yeah, hiking is back!
Last I recall you were here and going on a road trip. Hopefully things are good.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 962   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8689677
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Legend10 ( new member #79407) posted at 10:49 AM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

Although not quite the same has anyone encountered Sex/Life on Netflix?

My cheating ex was obsessed with this and binged the whole thing over a couple of days. Now in hindsight I can see why, it's essentially all about a married woman having an affair with a man who is more exciting than her husband. I didn't watch the whole thing but I caught the end scene where the woman decides to stay with her husband but also continue the affair!

I think I discovered her affair a couple of weeks after she finished watching it, she must have related to the main character so much!

posts: 25   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2021
id 8689678
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:23 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

You're going to leave us with that? smile

I, too, hope you're doing well.

I don't want to sound passive-aggressive or anything like that, but an update would be welcome.... (If you're willing.)

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26130   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8689719
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 hikingout (original poster member #59504) posted at 6:21 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

Hi Sisoon!

I did think about posting an update, I have only been away for a few months so there isn’t a whole lot of changes other than to say things continue to get better. We are both 100 dedicated to that or it wouldn’t be.

We just passed the 4 year mark since his dday, and we are approaching the 1 year mark with mine. Our marriage is completely different now, and I think mostly in a good way (even if we both hate how we got here). I would say the same as many before me in that the rose colored glasses are off, but I don’t find that to be a negative thing. It doesn’t mean there isn’t romance, it just means some of the narrative in our minds is more realistic.

We are traveling now full time, and that has brought us a lot closer- shared new experiences, a lot of team work is required, and we share honest and open communication even over the smallest things. Our recovery period after arguments is much better than earlier in our recovery because they feel less loaded.

We agreed he can discontinue IC for now. He had some major breakthroughs around the time I stopped posting and had his last appointment about 6 weeks ago. We didn’t do marriage counseling this time and that seems to be okay.

I feel we have both gained clarity over our behavior and both own our full accountability. I have found as the smoke cleared we both have compassion for each other. I don’t think either of us will forget but I do think we are happy to have made the choice to stay together and start again.

There was a time I thought everything was ruined and we weren’t going to make it. Six months ago I was leaning far more towards divorce than I was saying on this site because I didn’t fully trust he wasn’t reading. It just felt insurmountable and hopeless. I don’t feel that way anymore except in occasional bad moments, but I have been working on my strong tendency to catastrophize for several years.

It’s not perfect, but it never was and never would be, but it’s good enough to want again.

WW/BW BH/WH Turnthepage My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PAHis Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5922   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8689746
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 7:05 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

Nice to see you HikingOut,

I'm only recently back myself after a pretty long hiatus. After Sisoon's comment I went through some of your recent posts and learned about your husband's affair. I'm so so sorry. What a mindfuck. I can't imagine how you must feel. You had done so much work and I know how proud you were of where you thought you guys were. ((Hiking))

I must say, I miss seeing your posts. You always offered such thoughtful insight. I understand if this place is not serving your needs though at the moment. I hope you're well.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 5 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Currently 4 years (and two kids) into R and optimistic.

posts: 634   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8689755
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 hikingout (original poster member #59504) posted at 7:47 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

Thanks! I am sure I will come back in fits and starts, but I do feel like not being here all the time has allowed me to better move forward. I did enjoy trying to help when I could. I think the scenes from
A marriage rattled me and prompted me to check in with the forums and some of the users I was following.

WW/BW BH/WH Turnthepage My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PAHis Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5922   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8689765
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brokenInDenver ( member #71262) posted at 10:39 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

I just watched the trailer to Scenes from a Marriage after reading your post. I admit there is no way I could watch that. Just watching the trailer triggered the hell out of me. I don't know how you found the courage. Perhaps I trigger too easily.

I'm glad you and your H are doing better and well along your way toward R. I know that your wisdom has helped me, especially early on, as it has so many others and I thank you for that. I'm also glad to think of you checking back on us from time to time. Drive safe and enjoy the moment!

BS (me) early 50s. WW late 40s. Two step-kids, no children of our own. Still married

posts: 132   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2019   ·   location: Colorado
id 8689793
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WTAF ( new member #79274) posted at 4:00 AM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

I've seen the trailer for this. It's a hard no for me.

posts: 44   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2021   ·   location: All up in my feelings
id 8689830
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 5:39 PM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

Thanks for the update. I'm not sure that I'd agree on 'not a whole lot of changes', but we can agree to disagree. smile I'm glad the changes are positive.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26130   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8689874
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 7:28 PM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

Haven’t seen the show but thanks for the heads up. Great to see an update from you. Most RVers experience M problems during the parking and set up process. You will see these couples yelling and cussing and then after setup they are the sweetest people 😀

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54
WW 47
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown, twin boys 12 yo 2 grandkids

One day you will tell your story how you overcame what you are going through now, and it will become part of someone else’s survival guide.

posts: 750   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8689890
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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 8:50 PM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

Also glad to "hear" from you HO! I have missed seeing your posts. You have helped me so much on several different occasions.

So happy things are going well for you guys!

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 674   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8689901
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 hikingout (original poster member #59504) posted at 10:55 PM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

Tanner- yep! I can be stressful to back it up for sure. Our RV is really big! But we have done pretty well even with that. Not that’s haven’t had our moments. I actually feared that at first because our arguments for some time were so loaded I didn’t know if we would get over those little bickers that you are talking about as quickly. It’s really been fine! We are finding our groove in getting time for ourselves and I miss our kids but other than that it’s all been really great. We have had more fun in this month than we have in years.

Underserving- good to hear from you! I hope you are doing better too!

WW/BW BH/WH Turnthepage My Affair DDAY 9/1/2017- 2 month EA/PAHis Affair DDAY 10/10/2020 - 18 month A - EA?/PA

posts: 5922   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8689916
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 10:56 PM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

Glad to see you still around, HO

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49 Married: Feb. 1996 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2:

posts: 4301   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8689917
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SadieMae ( member #42986) posted at 1:28 PM on Friday, September 24th, 2021

I'm happy to read your positive update. I hope your adventure continues in this positive direction. :)

Me: BW 40 on DDAY
Him: WH 40 on DDAY (FlawedBroken)
Together over half our lives.
D-day 3/9/2014
TT until 6/2016
TT again Fall 2020

posts: 1201   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Sweet Tea in the Shade
id 8690007
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Sunny69 ( member #65876) posted at 1:36 PM on Friday, September 24th, 2021

Hi Hikingout,
I have literally logged on today just to send you a message, to see how you are getting on. Its crazy that you have come back to SI too, but I was really pleased to see your post. I haven't been on SI much myself for the few months and I couldn't work out how to send a private message under the new layout. I went on to general to see if anyone had heard from you and there was your post!!! I'm glad you are going from strength to strength. Happy travelling and working things out. Stay safe smile

posts: 122   ·   registered: Aug. 18th, 2018   ·   location: Uk
id 8690011
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 5:53 PM on Friday, September 24th, 2021

Yeah — we don’t have this show on our watch list.

That aside, what a fantastic update! Good for you Hiking.

Since we’ve set retirement for two years from now, our adventures are more limited, but the PNW is one, giant, outdoor playground.

And as great as SI has been for me, breaks from here do allow for some extra healing when not dealing with the topic on a regular basis.

Keep the happy going!

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4187   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8690067
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3yrwait ( member #29907) posted at 6:38 PM on Friday, September 24th, 2021

I am several years out from A, and have learned to manage most (but not all) of my triggers. The show could certainly trigger a lot of people.

I thought the episode was pretty well done. My reactions included
"Who is texting?" "What an odd way to dress." "That is crazy talk." "I wish I got to have this much discussion." "That part is fiction, it would never happen." "I can’t believe someone would willingly give up their family that way, but I guess so."

I thought it was as realistic as it could be.

Me: BH (early 40s)
Her: WW (early 40s)
Married 15 years
1 daughter, under 10
DDay July 2007

posts: 527   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2010   ·   location: 3yrwait
id 8690073
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:26 PM on Saturday, September 25th, 2021

Glad things are going well HO!

I thought Scenes was very realistic and could readily identify. My H basically came home one night, told me about his affair and for the next6 months was demanding a D. He didn’t leave within 24 hours of announcing his affair but he was very close to that.

I feel bad for the BH. His closest friend knew the whole time! mad

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10686   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8690176
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