SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all, just discovered this forum yesterday and have been enjoying reading all the posts, it's comforting to read stories of people going through similar and people coming out the otherside ok.

I really just wanted to tell my story, even if it's just a therapeutic exercise to get it all out there and share with everyone.

I had been together with my ex partner for roughly 12 years, discovered her affair about 2 months ago and ultimately split just over a week ago.

So as I said, I first became aware of the affair roughly 2 months ago when I woke up in the middle of the night and noticed she was on her phone. She hadn't realised I was awake and I went to lean over her to give her a hug only to see a message from another man that read "I've missed you today xx".

This rocked me to my foundations and took me a good few minutes to process what exactly I'd just seen but eventually I plucked up the courage to ask her who that message was from and what it meant. She then admitted she had been speaking to this person for a couple of months, she didn't love him or have feelings for him, it was just flirting but ultimately she didn't think she loved me any more. I was devastated and after the initial shock I did a full 180 on my initial reaction telling her we were done and said I still loved her and wanted us to work through this. She said she needed some space to think and I moved out of our family home for a few days. We spoke at length about what each other felt was missing from our relationship and I did the pick me dance that I've seen many people mention for these few days until she then decided that she was susprised at how much she had missed me whilst I had been gone and she wanted to try again. It's also worth mentioning at this point that she admitted this relationship / affair or whatever you want to call it had been going on longer than the couple of months she first admitted and gave me a time frame of 6 months or so which would have been just before Christmas.

I went back under no illusions that our relationship was at rock bottom, that it would take hard work and I promised her that I would work on the issues she had raised but I also wanted her to do the same, we were both in agreement and for the first 3 weeks or so I felt things were going great. In my mind I had pictured a road to recovery of 6 months at least to where I would trust her again and she would feel 100% confident that our relationship was what she wanted so I was prepared for baby steps and a long journey ahead.

Then, completely unexpected I saw his name appear on her phone in her recent contacts, she knew I had seen it too but we both kind of ignored it and over the next couple of days it grew into a huge elephant in the room until I could no longer cope with the anxiety and brought it up. She then told me that she hadn't been in contact with him for the prior 3 weeks, that she'd cut all ties as soon as I came home but she felt he deserved to know the truth and had contacted him the night I saw his name on her phone to let him know we were making a go of it and that she wouldn't be speaking to him again.

With hindsight I can see now how ridiculous this sounds, that I should have seen the warning signs but at the time I knew our relationship was on a knife edge, I still loved her and wanted to be with her and casting doubt on what she said would put all that at risk. I accepted her answer and moved on, or at least tried to. The following week or two was fine, we were getting on, things seemed to be going ok but I still couldn't get the fact he was in her phone still out of my mind. Stupidly I had never asked her to block him, delete his number, cease all contact with him or anything like that as part of my agreement to trying again. I told her I trusted her and I wanted our relationship to work because we did trust each other and I didn't want to be in a relationship where I was having to demand things like asking her to block people, I just trusted that she was no longer in contact with him.

I should also mention at this stage that her phone is like fort knox, it's set so when a message is received it doesn't state the name of the person sending it, nor does it show a preview of the message itself as is the default setting on most phones, instead it just says "message received" or something like that, you then have to unlock the phone to see who it's from and to read it but I don't have her passcode and my face isn't setup on her facial recognition. Again, a massive red flag but one of those things when you've been with a person for a over decade and have no reason not to trust them you just don't ever question it.

So once again, the anxiety got too much for me and I said that if we were going to work as a couple I needed her to show that commitment to me and delete his number, block him on all forms of social media, essentially cut out any way that he could contact her and she could contact him. She took this badly, accusing me of having issues and that I was the one at fault for not trusting her and that if I don't trust her or take her at her word then we wouldn't work, that she isn't being in a relationship where she's being controlled by someone etc etc etc. After a huge argument she eventually relented and showed me deleting his number in her phone, she also threw me her phone and said I could go through it if I wanted. Again, in hindsight I should have done there and then but I didn't, again choosing to say I trust her and that all I wanted was her word that she had done it.

The following month or so was going great, or so I thought, we were getting on well, we had been doing things both as a couple and as a family, we were making plans for events as far ahead as 12 months in the future and I genuinely thought we were on the right track until all my worst fears became true.

By pure chance I found myself in a position where I was looking out of our back window which over looked the garden, she was sat in a chair just below the window and hadn't realised I was there and it only took about 30 seconds before she opened up her messages and was engaged in a conversation with someone else where they were firing heart emojis back and forth to each other, she had sent him a picture of herself (the exact same picture she had sent to me that morning), she was referring to him as babe and gorgeous (the exact same pet names she calls me) and the whole conversation read like something you'd expect from a newly wed couple still in the honeymoon period.

Whereas the last time I was floored by the discovery, sad, upset, heartbroken, this time I was mad. I immediately asked her who this person was and then she admitted it was the same person as before, that she had simply renamed him in her phone when I asked her to block him. Three days prior she had been out on her own, telling me she was with friends but I immediately connected the dots and asked if she was with him, she admitted it and said they had even kissed. I stormed out of the house and that was us done.

Over the coming days I've spent much of it battling to get the truth, each time I chip away at her something else comes out or I discover information myself that rips apart the lies she's told me. She initially stuck by her story that she had only spoken to him that one time to tell him it's over and that the meetup 3 days prior to our breakup was purely coincidental and they just bumped into each other which then sparked her reconnecting with him via texts. She swore this until she was blue in the face but what she didn't realise is that her phone is on my account and I managed to pull the call logs which proved she was in constant communication with him the prior 2 months we were supposed to be trying.

In fact, just 4 days after I returned home she had left for work early, telling me she was busy and needed to get a headstart, instead she spent a full hour on the phone to him before she began work at her regular time. The phone records also blew her story of this beginning roughly 6 months ago completely out of the water as she was calling him as far back as 18 months ago.

Discovering the call logs also gave me something else, his phone number. I plucked up the courage and called him, spent around 40 minutes on the phone going over things with him but I realise now I approached this all wrong. Instead of asking him to tell me his side of the story I was relaying things she had told me and asking him if that was true or not, he pretty much just confirmed everything she had said the whole time which was a huge error on my part. However, one positive did come out of this in that he was under the impression I had left her 2 months ago, she'd never told him I'd returned home and he assumed she was single these past 2 months. You can obviously never tell but the tone of his voice and how he came across changed dramatically once I told him everything we'd been up to as a couple the past 2 months, as if he was discovering she'd been cheating on him! From what she tells me he called her later that night and was absolutely furious, whether that's true or not I don't know but I did feel a slight sense of achievement that I might have ruined whatever their relationship was.

So that brings us to where we are today, I am trying to get over the hurt and pain of the whole thing whilst also trying to move on. One thing I am struggling with is the feeling that I still don't know the truth. I've told her that I want to know all the details, that she owes me that after 12 years of being together and being cheated on for 18 months but she refuses to engage in any dialogue about it. As it stands she is still sticking to the story that despite texting and calling him for 18 months she's only ever met him in person once, 3 days before we split and that she doesn't have any strong feelings for him, it's only ever been flirting.

I find this hard to believe and have told her this, brought up numerous times where she's gone away without me a day or two at a time and would be perfect opportunities for her to meet up with him but she still denies it. If I push her she will just say "you'll never believe anything I say anyway" or something similar and say "I can't do this" and just shut it down.

I've told her I want this from her as closure, that it's torture not knowing and I want to know just how much of my life has been a lie for the past year and a half but she's not forthcoming with it. This hurts me more than anything that she won't even give me that but I know from speaking with friends and family that ultimately it doesn't matter, we've split now and knowing the truth won't change anything but that doesn't stop my intense yearning to know. I've even gone to the trouble of writing out questions I want answers to and sent them to her saying that I'm not looking for an argument or to interrogate her, I just want honest answers to these questions in her own time when she's ready but even still she won't give me it.

The biggest thing that hurts is the asking me back and promising to try, then never trying and just carrying on with him like she did all the while making me torture myself over not trusting her and gaslighting me into thinking I was the one with the problem when in fact I was fully justified to have my suspicions.

So basically that's me, on my own again in the world for the first time in 12 years, without feeling like I know the whole story from my ex and struggling to come to terms with it all. I'm fearful for the future, will I find anyone? Will the two of them now become a couple? Will he become the step father to my son? Will she have a better life with him than I could have given her? Will she go onto have more children even though we decided as a couple we didn't want any more? It's tough going but I'm doing my best to struggle through. Thanks for listening.

Friend - you need to leave her. You are a doormat. She’s cheated multiple times, lied, and yet you bury your head under the sand. She’s revealed to you who she is.

Don't worry, I've already left her and told her that there's no chance of us getting back together even if she wanted us to (but I don't actually think she does).

Knowing everything isn't going to give you the closure you want. You know enough. It's safe to assume the worst. You need to disconnect from her about anything besides co-parenting and what is needed for the D. That's the only way you are going to heal.
He probably wasn't the first. He probably will not be the last. She is broken. Badly. Everything a person can give her is not enough. She sees nothing wrong with that. FWIW they are not going to survive. He's already learned the hard way the lesson of if they will cheat with you they will cheat on you. Even if he allows her back, eventually it will fall apart.

I understand wanting to know everything AKA the truth.

However you will never - ever - never get the truth.

Most cheaters will continue to lie to protect themselves.

Some cheaters will lie just to torture and screw with the betrayed.

Other cheaters would it tell you the truth if you had black and white evidence in front of them.

I think you are wasting your time and energy. I know it’s torture not knowing. Believe me I still don’t feel my H told me the entire truth about his last affair. I just accept that it is his issue and I moved on. I wonder if he was fearful if he told the truth I would D him or something like that.

In your case it’s better to just heal yourself snd move on. She showed you she’s a really evil person by asking you to return home while she continues to cheat. You shouldn’t expect she will do anything to help you.

Sorry you are going through this, her and AP will not make it, she has been lying to him also, she isn’t capable of a relationship in her broken state. This includes trying R.

You need to sharpen up your 180 and head far from her. You run this now, you make the decisions and call the shots, don’t fall for manipulation. Best Wishes

I waited for xWH to apologize and tell me that he wanted me back just so I could tell him NO! But it never happened and over time I realized that I didn't need it to move forward. It was my version of "closure" because I didn't want details anymore, just to be rid of him. Eventually you will find your closure and be able to move forward. Give yourself time and consider individual counseling to help you process this.

You know the truth. You also know you’ll never get that from her. Closure comes from within.

The truth that you know will set you free if you let it.

You are the only one that can keep yourself in limbo. No one else has that power over you.

Fuck getting the answers from her.

Here....do this:

Write down what you think happened. Then multiply it by 10 for number of times and degree of PA.

That's what happened.

Get her out of your head and move on.

Legend10: I never knew the extent of my ex-wife's cheating. I have asssumed the worst and really don't care about the details. I never did. I know she had two significant affairs during our marriage and I suspect there were other short term relationships. I know the most important thing about her. She is a cheater and a liar. Obtaining the truth would be futile as in your case. We were together 12 years, married for 10 of those years.

It doesn't sound like you have children and you are not married so disengagement should be relatively easy. Go NC with her unless there are financial issues to iron out. After that has taken place, never talk or communicate with her again. Move on.

You ended up with the right choice. This one was D time.
You did well getting to the right story.

I seriously disagree with some of your approach along the way. We all make mistakes. I made more mistakes than you did.
Now I know better. Read the hard 180, all over. You were half in on that (your half, not hers).

With the evidence you had and the string along you had enough detail to fill the phone book. It was time to call her the liar she has been for a long time, earlier on, and left. She is a chronic liar. Her word is worth less than dirt. She's very selfish.

I feel ya, that yearning for the truth, the full story, the details. This is not important if you're going to leave her. If you were to attempt R, then yes, timelines and details, to your satisfaction, are important because you're re-investing in someone and something, a risky investment, and due diligence dictates that you make well informed decisions based on an accurate assessment of risk and the degree of betrayal.

However, we Betrayed rarely ever get the full story, even from the most remorseful Waywards. The salacious details of an affair are extremely traumatic for the BS. There's a phenomenon of betrayal trauma called "Pain Shopping". We all do it to some degree. We re-imagine sexual scenes, scenarios and dig deep for the actual depths and various types of betrayal that occurred. It's extremely painful. This will relatively quickly fade when you detach and move on. It lasts much longer when you stay and reconcile because your partner is an ever present and constant reminder of the affair.

If you're moving on, I would do just that and truly move on. The details would only serve to cause needless additional pain. This affair was probably physical. They probably did things that adult lovers do when physical. They had pillow talk, intimate conversations, probably talked shit about you, lied relentlessly, denied things to you and provided to him at your expense, many of the fights and issues you had were probably fundamentally tied to her affair or her propensity to affair, etc, etc.

Imagine the worst and move on.

BUT, don't ever think of yourself as a lesser person or lacking in some quality or physical attribute. That's not how affairs start and not how persist. Our vast crowd sourced experience here has consistently shown that cheaters often "Affair Down" with APs that are lesser than, in every way, to the BS.

Affairs start and evolve from malignant factors, between two broken people that have little to nothing to do with you or the state of your relationship.

Just be glad you're not them.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:07 PM, Thursday, September 16th]

I recommend shifting the above advice slightly.

Tell yourself that she no longer has to come clean, because you've split. Knowing she cheated is enough. The details don't matter.

If you get mind movies, see what happens if you let them run until the end; that worked for me, maybe it will work for you. If you think she had world-shattering sex, so what? If she had pedestrian sex, so what?

I'm fearful for the future, will I find anyone?

Maybe, maybe not - but you're out of a terrible situation, and now you have a chance of living the life you want.

Will the two of them now become a couple?

Probably not. It's not your concern, though. I will say that a cheater who leaves the BS for the ap creates a job opening for another ap.

Will he become the step father to my son?

That's question is important. You really need to work out co-parenting and custody for your son.

Will she have a better life with him than I could have given her?

Not your concern, except as it affects your son.

Will she go onto have more children even though we decided as a couple we didn't want any more?

Not your concern.

It's tough going but I'm doing my best to struggle through.

Oh, yes - it's very tough going. Being betrayed brings lots of pain with it. Ending a relationship brings lots more pain. My reco is to make your goal 'to survive and thrive' and to keep working to make your life what you want it to be.

Didn’t you ask the dude she was cheating on you with on how far they went ?
Honestly you need to not waste your energy, your wife is a big lie.

Just from picking up the energy from your story , she isn’t ‘In’ love with you by the sounds of it , she just loves you as a person and for being the father of your kid-
Your sitting there trying to solve this mess while she is out doing the dirty work, she’s a spineless cow who doesn’t give a zero toss about you mate.
She will Never admit anything to you for now so quit overthinking- Maybe the only time she may confess is when things are super settled and you both move on from each other but again that wouldn’t ever change anything, you won’t trust her again! You also wouldn’t want to stay in a marriage loveless marriage

And stop worrying what if you won’t find another person, there’s always someone out there for everyone, she already found someone and clearly she wants him. Let her be she can piss pff. You deserve better than that door mat.

Sorry you're here Buddy.

So basically that's me, on my own again in the world for the first time in 12 years, without feeling like I know the whole story from my ex and struggling to come to terms with it all. I'm fearful for the future, will I find anyone? Will the two of them now become a couple? Will he become the step father to my son? Will she have a better life with him than I could have given her? Will she go onto have more children even though we decided as a couple we didn't want any more? It's tough going but I'm doing my best to struggle through. Thanks for listening.

Don't bother yourself about her future. She has checked out. You have to concentrate on you and your future! It is scary finding yourself on your own again after a long term partnership but gradually you will become stronger and may well eventually even enjoy your new found freedom. Consider this relationship one of life's lessons, which each and every relationship is really when you think about it.

Sisoon hit the nail on the head.

Best wishes going forward and getting out of infidelity.

So basically that's me, on my own again in the world for the first time in 12 years, without feeling like I know the whole story from my ex and struggling to come to terms with it all. I'm fearful for the future, will I find anyone? Will the two of them now become a couple? Will he become the step father to my son? Will she have a better life with him than I could have given her? Will she go onto have more children even though we decided as a couple we didn't want any more?

You are acting as though this one person, this one very weak-minded and morally-bereft person, validates who you are and defines you and your life.

I certainly hope that a very broad and deep lying, highly deceitful backstabber like this is not the standard by which you measure your value as a human being.

No one, again, NO ONE defines you except YOU.

Only YOU are responsible for yourself, your self-esteem, and your happiness.

No one else can do these things for you and nor should you want anyone else to.

Your ex’s infidelity had nothing to do with you or your relationship.

Nothing, zero, zilch, zed, nada.

Her reasons for doing this exist ONLY within her mind and those reasons were all there long before you ever met her.

Yeah, I understand that this betrayal is very painful and that the love and care you felt have some inertia and can’t be shut off like a switch.

Everyone here has been through the same thing.

The most important thing right now is to completely remove yourself and your son (at least when he is with you) from her shitty Jerry Springer world of lies and infidelity.

It seems like you have taken a solid step in ending things with her.

Now, leave her back on the Jerry Springer stage with her affair guy and focus solely on you and your son.

Don’t worry about if you’re going to "find anyone" - just get the hell away from her world of toxic shit.

If you’re really bothered about "finding anyone" at this point, then you need to look into about having codependency issues and solve that.

Your happiness doesn’t depend on being with someone and if leave responsibility for your happiness in someone else’s hands then you are guaranteed to never be happy.

Really think about what values, ideals, and principles you believe in and actually live authentically by them.

Values aren’t just things we say we believe in during good times - they are what we adhere to and are needed the most during hard times.

Living authentically on your own is the key to personal happiness and high self-esteem.

Then, you will be able to share that happiness when the right person comes along - whenever that may be.

Remember, your son is watching how you are living your life.

Don’t teach him by role-modeling that his value as a person, man, and human being depends on finding a woman or person to provide that for him.

I can certainly understand your overwhelming need to know all the details, its natural. You want to know if what she did is so bad that it warrants a divorce. You're stuck in the mental gymnastics of "was it cheating or not" did she have a physical affair? Your hung up on these thoughts because to you you are hung up on the fact that a physical affair was the deal breaker and your trying to find a reason why you can go back to her.

Here's the thing, physical or emotional it was an affair and yes, what she did to you justifies leaving, even if it is left off at what you know now. She was prioritizing another man and pushed you to plan B and despite having first hand knowledge of the risk she was taking and the repercussions it would have she continued, so she prioritized the other man over your marriage.

You need to come to grips with the fact that you will never get the answers you are looking for, why would you? what possible motivation could she possible have for outing herself? You already know her feelings, or should I say, complete disregard for your feelings she has or she wouldn't have done it in the first place. You are appealing to her sense of loyalty and love, neither of which she has for you, clearly. So from her perspective this would be nothing more than an exercise in self deprecation. cheaters are selfish by nature, this is in its essence what makes them cheat so why would she give you anything that would not result in her getting anything in return? why would she spill the confess to her sins and make herself look as horrible as she is without some benefit to herself?

Act with purpose and be resolute, if you want to wake her up you need to show strength. I personally wouldn't take her back but if you ever want that to be an option then you need to lead by showing strength and conviction. Playing the pick me dance pushing them away because its whiny and needy and who the hell wants to be stuck with that all their life. Move with purpose towards a direction that ends with what you want and right now that is divorce. What you want might change down the road depending on if she shows herself to be a good candidate for R but for now she isn't so continue in the direction best for you. stalling, delaying, flying adrift in a holding pattern while she "decides what she wants" is nothing but mentally torturing yourself in limbo.

She led you on a merry dance there, didn't she. That was so shitty the way she led you on there.

Will the two of them now become a couple? Will he become the step father to my son? Will she have a better life with him than I could have given her? Will she go onto have more children even though we decided as a couple we didn't want any more? It's tough going but I'm doing my best to struggle through. Thanks for listening.

So when I was reading your post, about your partner being your ex, I was thinking to myself: I wonder how your next partner will be as a mother to your kids? I'm thinking you're going to have a better life without her than with her. Wondering what kind of life you'll let yourself have now that this cheating, sneaky boat anchor isn't holding your back.

Hi everyone, thank you so much for all your feedback, it's been great to get everyones perspective and it's really helped in making baby steps to moving forward so thought I'd give you a bit of an update.

It's been about 2 and a half weeks now since I left and to be honest much of that time has been spent thinking, over thinking, playing mind movies, having good days and down days, pretty much what I'd guess you would expect and I'm sure most of you have been through and can identify with as well.

I've made a few positive changes myself, I've bought a bike and signed up for the local gym so I'm cycling to the gym every morning and going swimming before work. Swimming is something I've always enjoyed doing and has fallen by the wayside whilst I've been in a relationship so it's good to start getting back in the swing with that. I'll also be able to bring my son with me on the days I have him.

I've also reached out to a few friends who I haven't been as close with as I once was and I've met up with them for drinks a couple of times now which has been nice. I've also arranged to go out with people from work next week. Normally I would avoid such things as I'd much prefer to just be at home with the family but I'm trying my best to just say yes to things now, even if it's taking me out of my comfort zone in some instances.

I've also started planning for the future so I've come to an agreement on child maintenance with the ex and also other financial arrangements. For example, her phone has 2 years left to run on the contract yet it's in my name on my account and she's agreed to pay for the money for this each month.

I'm temporarily living back with my parents but I've got the wheels in motion to move into my own place hopefully by December and I'm fully on top of all the financials so that I know I can afford to live, pay her child maintenance and still have a little bit of money left over for myself.

So, onto the negative / less than ideal stuff!

I have tried to instigate no contact on numerous occasions but the nature of us having a child together and still needing to talk about finances has made it difficult and there have been a few occasions where we've slipped into talking about us and what's happened. I know myself this isn't healthy and I've been trying my best not to but nobodys perfect I guess. Those conversations have sometimes been really amicable and therapeutic and other times it's ended with us arguing. As it stands now though we're actually in the best place of communication than we have been since the split, although I'm still undecided whether this is a good or a bad thing and whether it would be better if we just didn't talk at all.

She's still quite a closed book in terms of telling me her feelings (I've given up on asking about the past and any conversations we have now are more about how we're feeling currently and our outlook for the future.) but I do get the impression she isn't sure that this is what she wants. I think she's struggling quite badly mentally and I suspect she is seeing a therapist.

Having read through the forums one possibility occured to me that I had never thought of before, that after a period of separation we could end up trying again once we had both had some time apart. Now I am in no way suggesting I am now thinking I want to get back with her, just that it's a possibility I'd never considered that is now planted in my mind. What if after rebuilding myself, discovering what I want from a relationship, being better mentally equipped to work through this, being more confident and assertive (not a door mat) and that I do still have love for her in 6 months time or whenever that if she was still single, showed remorse, she had grown as a person too and realised she does love me that we couldn't try dating again? Build a new relationship from the beginning with new rules and boundaries rather than just jumping straight back into what we had previously.

As I said, it's just a thought but for now the focus is on me and discovering myself again, I am open to wherever that takes me, whether that be a new relationship, reconciliation or neither, I'm just going to do what makes me happy for a change.

To truly heal and be that more confident and assertive person you need to go as full NC as you can. That even includes giving up the hopium pipe that you can get back together. To heal you need to let go of any hope for what outcome will be. Shift your discussions about co-parenting to text or email or better yet a co-parenting app. Wait ten minutes at least before responding unless it is a child emergency.

Along those lines,

For example, her phone has 2 years left to run on the contract yet it's in my name on my account and she's agreed to pay for the money for this each month.

Buy out the contract or speak with the phone company about transferring her phone to just her name. Do this before the divorce is final. This is just another reason for contact and will be prime pain shopping territory for you. Your goal should be to get everything down to just the kids and even that contact should be minimized. You don't even need to or even should speak on pass off.

[This message edited by grubs at 2:59 PM, Tuesday, September 21st]