Newest Member: HeartbrokenWife76

Just Found Out :
My Story

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 Legend10 (original poster new member #79407) posted at 9:37 AM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Once again, thank you everyone for all your wisdom.

I feel that now I am getting clarity on the situation in my head and able to make decisions based on reality rather than hope or ifs and buts.

I decided to address my WS regarding the texts with kisses on, the photo and calling me babe on the phone. Told her that in no uncertain terms this isn't acceptable, that I don't even want to begin trying to delve into her thought process as to why this all happened (still insists that it was just an accident and I need to stop over analysing everything she says and does) and that she needs to do better in terms of vetting her messages before she sends them. Also told her that any discussions going forward need to be strictly business, I am not interested in any small talk or conversation drifting off to other things.

I am keeping up the gym routine and will be going out with work colleagues for some drinks tomorrow night which I am looking forward to. Whilst it's only a little thing I've also been spending my spare time at home watching shows on Netflix that I've never watched because I didn't think WS would like them. Just making choices for me rather than us for the first time in 12 years!

posts: 25   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2021
id 8691002
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 4:28 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Your best path is learn to ignore.

posts: 6685   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8691055
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J0ck ( member #47763) posted at 5:03 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

You cant control what she does, so ignore anything not child or divorce relevant.
Keep as much contact as possible down to text etc.
Keep interacting with her down to a minimum.

posts: 76   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2015   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8691062
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 5:30 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Legend, I think you're doing a great job of standing up for yourself. Keep it up!

posts: 5011   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8691065
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 7:08 AM on Friday, October 1st, 2021

Legend! So happy you’re starting to reclaim yourself. You said your peace and made your boundary clear, now go low contact and ignore are further attempts to manipulate you. Proud of you.

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 210   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8691136
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 1:52 PM on Friday, October 1st, 2021

Your warnings to her are spot on, but I would still suggest you show with yor actions rather than talk.

As you can see, seeing that her manipulation attempt was unsuccessful, she acts as if she doesn't give a fuck and you've made an inexplicable meaning out of her actions. Thus, she does not break her ego and try to break yours.

This reminded me of TheWrongOne's ex-wife texting that they could have sex during the divorce process and after TWO politely declined, she pretended not to remember and said "I must have been drunk".

I suggested that you not engage with her, but I know that this is difficult and sometimes you can't. At such times, I suggest you try not to show any signs of emotion, such as sadness or anger, while talking to her. Just talk like as if you are talking about ordinary facts of life.

Like love, hate or anger also shows the importance of the other person in your life. The only thing that will make her feel worthless is your indifference.

I think you handled this situation very well. These are just minor issues that I want to highlight.

Good luck.

posts: 501   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8691191
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 Legend10 (original poster new member #79407) posted at 2:33 PM on Friday, October 1st, 2021

Your warnings to her are spot on, but I would still suggest you show with yor actions rather than talk.


I feel like I'm getting there with this!

Had a couple of days now with very minimal contact with her and it's only been for essential things.

She's contacted me twice today for example, first time asking how she installs a game on my sons Xbox, I replied back with "put the disc in and install it" and ended the conversation there.

I had a further message today saying "oh my god". I replied with a single ? and then she replied with "It’s ok panic over. I thought I’d run over the cat then I went to ring you in a panic". I just didn't even respond to that. Why on earth does she think she can call me about stuff like that? What did she think was going to happen? That I'd rush round to the rescue and sort everything out for her?

Feel proud that I've managed to avoid getting drawn into further conversation with her on both occasions!

posts: 25   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2021
id 8691202
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 3:04 PM on Friday, October 1st, 2021

Nicely done. It's amazing how often after stabbing you in the back the cheater thinks they can call on you for an emergency or as a support person. There is such a disconnect. Keep on, keepin on.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2822   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8691205
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 3:15 PM on Friday, October 1st, 2021

Almost perfect.

I guess someone who could write "Oh my god" could also have written what happened in the same message. But she expected you to ask. How childish! I guess she didn't get the reaction enough she expected. But it would have been more perfect to not answer at all and wait for her to explain what happened.

Don't react to her messages that want to attract attention and make you ask the question. If it's that important, let her tell you.

She continues to do the same thing, but you are getting more and more adept.

posts: 501   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8691207
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 Legend10 (original poster new member #79407) posted at 4:06 PM on Friday, October 1st, 2021

I guess someone who could write "Oh my god" could also have written what happened in the same message. But she expected you to ask. How childish! I guess she didn't get the reaction enough she expected. But it would have been more perfect to not answer at all and wait for her to explain what happened.


Yes, I did hover over the send button for a minute or so debating whether to just ignore her or not and wait for her follow up text but at the same time when you have a son involved you don't want to start playing petty games.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Sep. 16th, 2021
id 8691216
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 6:23 PM on Friday, October 1st, 2021

Legend, its not a petty game you're play, you have to take a step back and see that the person playing that game is your WW. She was the one who texted "OMG" and nothing else. You are doing better, but you still have a ways to go, and just be patient with yourself. We will help you call it out when we see it.

Next time, don't respond at all unless she says something specific about your child. You can train your ex not to bug you as well, eventually she'll learn. Until then, NC is your best way forward with her.

posts: 1169   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8691236
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smolderingdark ( member #64064) posted at 1:20 AM on Saturday, October 2nd, 2021

How do you deal with a narcissist? You don't.

They are in control otherwise they are unreasonable. They manipulate, lie and turn as many others against you as they can to get their way. You were very wise to expose her to her family early.

You have made progress.

Assume everything she tells you is a lie and an attempt to manipulate you.

You still have to deal with her because of a child. Then restrict communication with her. Only by txt and email. Allow her calls to go to voicemail unanswered. When responding to a text or email do so only if it concerns the care of your child. Ignore everything else. Also take your time responding to her, as in several hours after the fact unless it is a pressing matter. Especially if they are the nonsensical variety per the examples you have provided so far. There will be more of this, much more. She is fishing for a reaction from you, testing her influence over you. The less you respond the better.

Certainly you can attempt to speak with her and make your boundaries clear. You will waste your time completely. She will violate and test your boundaries regularly. Ignore anything and everything not relevant to the care of your child. She can learn about your boundaries the hard way.

Keep your personal life secret. Lock down any social media you have. If you have mutual friends best to assume they are more her friend than yours so be careful what you share and with whom. Information is power and she will be keeping tabs on you.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 1:21 AM, Saturday, October 2nd]

posts: 136   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2018
id 8691290
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