SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

it would be a lot easier if she was being horrible!

But she is horrible. She cheated on you for months, after she was caught she continued her A and lies, again and again.

If that's not horrible, what is horrible?

Now she has no remorse but just regret. By staying friends with you, she's trying to convince herself and other people that what she's done isn't such a bad thing.

In addition, she continues to take everything she took from you during your relationship, and in return she gives you nothing. Why wouldn't she want that?

I think you should stop being her emotional support.

Be civil, but that doesn't mean "be friends".

Don't share anything with her except for matters related to your kid. She has no right to know what's going in your life, what your feeling are etc. Don't ask her about herself either. She has to understand that you will not continue to be a part of her life. You have to understand that too. Literally disconnect, deal with your child's issues as much as possible via message or e-mail. Don't reward her for her infidelity and ruin your family.

There is a very simple explanation for this behavior she is displaying.

1) She is hedging her bets and setting you up as plan B. She wants to keep things as friendly as possible with you so that is she finds out down the road the grass isn't greener with her new lover boy she wants to know that you are still on the line a s aback up plan. we see it all the time, the newly single WW goes out to live the wild life and test drive a few chads, after 6 months of meaningless one night stands she starts to see the emptiness of it and longs for what she had. Keeping things friendly with you keeps you are the hook and a couple of winks away from reconciliation.

2) A friendly amicable split and friendly relationship with you assuages her guilt. She can broadcast to the world how she isn't such a bad person because look at how you and her are still friends and still get along great, you just couldn't make it work because the two of you drifted apart.

there is 1 sure fire sign if there is any remorse at all and that is whether she is still in contact with her AP, if she is, than everything is just lip service.

Yes, acting friendly only weeks after discovery will only hurt you and hinder healing. Cheating is bad enough, stop trying to give her credit for speaking cordially. It's not commendable. Her behavior is not how a friend behaves.

She is doing this for her selfish need to lessen her guilt. She should feel guilty and she wants to avoid it. She wants to make herself not that bad so she can feel better about what she did. As if being cordial makes up for cheating. Eyeroll.

Legend-

Nothing this woman does is not w/out a selfish motive. Your X regrets being caught, she’s not remorseful and I don’t even believe she’s sorry. She’s told you she doesn’t think what she did was all that bad, everyone does it, and blames you because she outgrew you. Look at everything she says and does as an angle. She wants you unarmed, and it’s working as you’re giddy the woman who cheated on you close to two years offered you a ride. She wasvery unhappy at experiencing consequences for her actions so she needs to appear genial with you to rehabilitate her reputation. If you two are all smiles then what she did can’t be that bad right? Wrong. She’s never stopped and will never stop playing you. Parallel parent and let go.

she'll ask if I'm ok from time to time etc.

Best to be honest I suppose.

"No I'm not OK not at all, but I will be once you're out of my life". << Try that.

Have you talked to a lawyer about untangling your lives? I know you're not married but at the very least shouldn't you have a custody agreement?

Thanks for the advice guys and the analysis of the situation, it all makes sense, especially her keeping me as plan B. One thing I don't know is what the status is with her and the AP, reading between the lines I get the impression he isn't on the scene right now but whether that's because he's cut all ties with her or they are just having some space from each other whilst the dust settles I don't know. I could be completely wrong about that too and they are in constant contact, I just don't know and she doesn't tell me anything about her life now anyway and I don't think she would even if I flat out asked her. I guess if I knew the truth about what's going on with the AP it would help me in terms of knowing how exactly to read her thought process at the moment.

I forgot to say that she actually sent me a picture of herself the other day! I got one from her of my son sat at a coffee shop which was nice, I like seeing pictures of what he's up to but then shortly afterwards she sent me one of herself taken by my son from the same coffee shop. I can't even begin to get to the bottom of what her thought process was there, around the same time a few of her messages starting coming through with x at the end of them. We would always put x at the end of all our messages but that stopped since DDay so within the same afternoon x's started appearing on messages and she sent me a pic of herself! She's apologised and said it was just force of habit but seems too much of a coincidence that all this happened at the same time. We also had a phone call that day, which was necessary as it was regarding something important to do with our son but at one point on the call she called me "babe" which again she apologised for and said it was just force of habit.

Worst case scenario she's manipulating me to keep my interest as plan B, best case scenario she just had a weak point where she was longing for me and what we had but all I know is that this messed me up mentally for a good 24 / 48 hours and regardless as to what her intensions are I know 100% that this form of communication isn't good for me.

What I'm struggling with is the NC / grey rock which I'm trying to implement. If I go full NC I feel like I've still got lots I want to say to her and if that goes unsaid then I feel like she's going to take the view of "he's getting over me and moving on" and she can then rest easy in her mind that everything is fine.

I don't want her to have that inner peace, she should still be suffering, she shouldn't get to diminish the seriousness of this in her mind, to be able to move on feeling that I'm content with the situation and she can put it all behind her. She shouldn't be let off the hook.

On the flip side I don't want to be the one that's still dragging this out, making her feel like I'm struggling and she isn't because I can't let things go. I don't want her to be taking pity on me for not being able to get over her whilst she's moving on. I want the power in this, not her, and it just seems that whatever choice I make she's going to come out of it feeling better about the whole situation rather than me.

I go NC / grey rock, stop talking about our relationship and it gives her justification to move on. I continue communication and I look the weak one, she can pity me.

I'm probably going to answer my own question here by saying I shouldn't place so much emphasis on her and how I want her to feel and instead focus on what is best for me but I guess I don't really know what I think is best for me right now.

She sounds like she’s on the road to rug sweeping snd you’re starting to contemplate whether you should go on that ride.

Do you want to reconcile or move on? This is the salient question that you must first answer. Your future decisions will be guided by the answer.

Right now, it sounds like you don’t know yet.

Do you want to reconcile or move on? This is the salient question that you must first answer. Your future decisions will be guided by the answer.

Right now, it sounds like you don’t know yet.

I would be open to it but she isn't showing me anything to suggest she would either want to or be willing to do what it takes to work through that. Any kind of R would need to be her making the first move and doing the leg work, I'm not doing the pick me dance again. So as it stands R is off the table as far as I'm concerned.

I’m sorry you are stuck in this limbo.

But at least you are seeing the reality of the situation.

Be civil, but that doesn't mean "be friends".

This! xWH wanted to be friends, to keep "hanging out" and do things together. I shut it down. We are not friends by any means, just cordial and that's more than enough.

Any kind of R would need to be her making the first move and doing the leg work, I'm not doing the pick me dance again.

It's been my experience that never happens. She discarded you. She isn't going to work to get you back. She doesn't have to. And it would be demeaning to her to even try.

However, in her solipsism, if she doesn't want you, no other woman should either.

She is going to lose her mind when you get your first girlfriend...

[This message edited by SquirrelFace at 4:33 PM, Wednesday, September 29th]

It's been my experience that never happens. She discarded you. She isn't going to work to get you back.

I kind of had this realisation a few days ago and it hit me hard to be honest. Not saying that I would have welcomed her back with open arms but I kind of always felt that maybe once the fog cleared she would come to her senses and want to fight for the relationship. She hasn't given any indication in the past 3 months that she would want to fight for it so it's a blow to know you're the only one who really tried to make it work and the only one now who would still leave the door ajar for R. Time to move on.

I think that she is now realizing the very bad choice she made and testing the waters about how you feel. Or at least showing you she still cares for you.

Will that transform into her actually learning about R, confronting her flaws honestly and then learning & doing the work she needs? Probably not. Even if she wanted to do these things, it does not mean she would be successful. It takes huge effort and painful work on the part of the WS. Sometimes we don't want to acknowledge that the effort from a remorseful WS is both difficult and painful to them, but I think it is true based on what I've read from the people here who have successfully done R from a major infidelity. That being the case, I also think that's why most people aren't capable of it.

Sometimes I wonder, when people like your WW eventually see through the fog of their infidelity, do they actually weigh the effort of R actively? Thinking that this is going to be so hard that I just don't think I can do it? Or are they thinking more along the lines of their BS is so hurt there's nothing I can do? Which would either be accurate or a symptom of not doing their homework to figure out how to respond after you betray someone.

Certainly many see rugsweeping as the option of choice if they want to R. It helps them avoid the shame and pain of personal introspection.

I don't want her to have that inner peace, she should still be suffering, she shouldn't get to diminish the seriousness of this in her mind, to be able to move on feeling that I'm content with the situation and she can put it all behind her. She shouldn't be let off the hook.

I get this feeling. Some WSes show empathy after they see our pain. Some start after letting go of the last wayward behaviors they have after DDay. But unfortunately many just never get there.

She doesn't feel pain when you hurt. That's why she can see you struggling and yet act like everything is normal and you can be friends again. If she understood how difficult this was for you, she wouldn't be doing things to make it worse just to feed her own ego. At best, it doesn't even register on her radar and at worst it's a temporary inconvenience. Your pain is not going to rub off on her and make her feel bad because she's already adept at ignoring it, justifying it, and thinking you will get better in no time. When you don't heal and move on, she's not going to suddenly change her mind. She's going to think you're in the wrong for not getting over it fast enough. Don't prevent yourself from finding relief and peace just to mildly inconvenience her.

I go NC / grey rock, stop talking about our relationship and it gives her justification to move on. I continue communication and I look the weak one, she can pity me.

Drop the hopium pipe or keep yourself bound up in this.

L10,

I think a good way to send your WW a message would be to text her back with "Please stop sending pictures of yourself. I have no interest in seeing them." Her reaction could be quite telling.

I dont see this as anything other than lets be friends so that the world can see I aint that bad. If this women wanted you, wanted R, she would have come right out and told you. Just like she told you she didnt' want to be in this relationship anymore. I think you're still smoking the hopium pipe and all it will do is keep you in Limbo.

Move forward my friend, she is not worthy of any of your time. If and thats a big IF, she will come crawling back to you asking to give her a chance. Right now, you're just wasting your time wondering why she's being nice. Screw that. Move on and when that time comes, if it ever does, than deal with it then.

Legend -
Force of habit my ass. She was able to snuff that habit our real quick when she was cheating. Now all of a sudden she just can’t help herself. I’ll go blind rolling my eyes. You’re not going NC for you. She would suffer if she couldn’t keep your attention the way she does, THAT is what would drive her insane. Good luck to you.

Let me reiterate what I said first.

Be civil, but that doesn't mean "be friends".

Don't share anything with her except for matters related to your kid. She has no right to know what's going in your life, what your feeling are etc. Don't ask her about herself either.

Her status with her AP shouldn't be your problem anymore. Just move on.

What I'm struggling with is the NC / grey rock which I'm trying to implement. If I go full NC I feel like I've still got lots I want to say to her and if that goes unsaid then I feel like she's going to take the view of "he's getting over me and moving on" and she can then rest easy in her mind that everything is fine.

The thing that can be most ineffective on a WW is BS's words. She won't even listen to you. Do you think she doesn't know what she did is bad and hurt you badly. Do you think she cares? If she did, she wouldn't cheat. That's very simple.

And the woman mind doesn't work like you said. It doesn't give her peace of mind that you easily get over her. On the contrary, it satisfies her to see that you can't get over her and are struggling. That's the way to give her suffer if she still values you a bit. If she wants to put it all behind her you can't do anything.

You still don't seem to understand the wayward mentality exactly. That's why you're chasing some empty dreams. (Hopium pipe)

On the flip side I don't want to be the one that's still dragging this out, making her feel like I'm struggling and she isn't because I can't let things go. I don't want her to be taking pity on me for not being able to get over her whilst she's moving on. I want the power in this, not her

Yes, that's what happens if you chase after her. Power is attractive and weakness is repulsive.

On one side, there is something you find satisfying but not exciting because you're used to it, and you know it will always be there. And on the other side there are a lot of new things you want to try, good or bad, if in the end you don't find what you expect from any of them, you still have the old thing on the other side. What would you do? Of course you would try every new thing first. But if you knew that you could lose the old thing while trying other things, you might stop trying new things depending on the value you place on that thing.

So you should show (not say) that you won't be there for her while she is trying to find her happiness(!).

Don't overthink the pictures. For all you know, your son possibly asked your WS to take a pic, and send it. The more you try and analyze it, the more you get yourself caught in quicksand.

I go NC / grey rock, stop talking about our relationship and it gives her justification to move on. I continue communication and I look the weak one, she can pity me.

I think you realize that she has already moved on, right? So, all this second guessing is wasted energy that you could use to focus on more positive things. You need to accept that she has moved on, and you are the one who has not.

You are also feeling that there needs to be justice, somehow that she has to feel how you are feeling, all the hurt and emotions. You want her to chase you again, to validate that your feelings.

It is natural, but you will find that to dwell on this will only hurt yourself more. You want to unicorn called Closure. Well, you will find out that Closure is indeed mythical. It will only appear when you come to the realization that it all comes from within yourself.

Don't try and make sense of what your WS is doing/done. You will drive yourself crazy, as you will be thinking like a 'normal' person. You will never be able to make sense of it.