scaredwoman ( Member #78680) posted at 4:16 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021
I'm glad you refer to as the STBXW because she deserves nothing more than that. Her words, while painful, really mean nothing in the long run because she's lost in the fantasy.
As painful as it is right now, you will move on from it and be stronger. I like the idea of making your OWN list of what you want in a partner. And then when you least expect it that new partner will be there.
HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 5:15 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021
Reddy- I'm glad you got a chance to see this notebook. YOu needed a jolt and I hope this helps to speed your resolved to Get out of this relationship.
Your STBXWW is a deplorable mother. Jealous of the attention you shower your kids!! WOW. Can we even call her a mother? I'd save a copy of that for future keepsake so that she won't be able to lie her way out of it.
He has a manly job and wage, a manly truck, awesome sex, passionate, intense, et
She has the mindset of a fucken 12 yr old boy. Seriously, sex, manly job (what is that anyway, she mean blue collar?), and manly truck (LOL, I'll take the P-car anyway).
Its clear, that her AP is mainly using her for sex, and he will move on. She will come crashing down, and realize how stupid she is, but for your sake, I hope you're not sticking around to be plan B. Don't be her backup plan. There are plenty of women out there that would value a good partner who provides support and is good to their children. Those are the true qualities of a REAL man, he is a prick who cheats with married women. How she doesn't see that is not your problem, she will have the rest of her life to sulk once you're gone.
RealityBlows ( Member #41108) posted at 6:14 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021
Ok, I'm going to straighten you out on this second best stuff:
I have a VERY macho job in public safety, also had a very macho military back ground, I drive a big truck, and my current girl and all the last I have dated claimed to be very satisfied with my physical attributes and performance in the bedroom. I learned to perform in the bedroom after spending over two decades with a difficult to please wife, that I was crazy about, who compelled me to progressively and enthusiastically sharpen my skills in the bedroom and keep things fresh, exciting, loving, sexy and affectionate. I have also done very well with real estate investments and maintain a pretty respectable lifestyle, especially for a public servant. My qualities as a father are best demonstrated by the fact that my three well adapted kids maintaining 4.0 plus GPAs, are going to great colleges and following in our footsteps. We lived on an equestrian estate in a resort community in a brand new large home with all the Barbie Dream House fixins. We had no debt and vacationed well regularly. My ExWW never complained. Never approached me and advised of any dissatisfaction with me or the marriage. I always maintained open lines of communication and invited feedback to maintain a healthy relationship. I always tried to keep the romance alive, was affectionate, loving, etc, etc. It was as good as a marriage can get. We had the seemingly idealistic lifestyle and marriage AND STILL...
My ExWW 'Affaired Down' with a guy half my size, living off his mother, bar fly player TOTAL F-ing LOOOZER. She idealized him. She idealized him and their affair-like all cheaters do, way beyond the rational confines of reality, leaving everyone in an absolute state of disbelief, confusion and shock. She destroyed our entire existence for this illusion and her waxwork AP. Then, reality hit her in the face, like a sack of nickels, when he dumped her ass advising he was just in it for the sex like all the others before her.
You could be Mark Consuelos living in his idealistic Consuelos-Ripa marriage and, if you're mate is predisposed to cheat and things fall into alignment, they will cheat and, it will have nothing to do with you, you're income, your attributes, your looks, your truck, your role in the marriage etc. Cheaters are addicts that get hooked on the feels of something new, on the novelty, the fleeting biochemical rush of limerence, the escape from reality. The cheaters themselves can't understand it and try desperately, as your WW did, to justify it, to make sence of it -all at your expense. They invent romantic Bridges Of Maddison County-Danielle Steele-Hallmark-Lifetime channel scenarios. They demonize their spouses, rewrite marital history all in an effort to maintain the affair bubble and make sense of the madness.
It's not you, it's them.
[This message edited by RealityBlows at 1:17 AM, Friday, September 10th]
Humbled123 ( Member #62947) posted at 7:21 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021
I'll just add that as a male almost 4yrs into reconciliation i would be very careful to reconcile with your ww if you would decide to do so. Many of us suspect many of the things you read but never had concrete evidence, just speculation and the occasional ww who comes on here and doesnt filter what she types.
What you read you will never forget, it will be a cancer to the relationship. Eventually eating you from the inside out.
[This message edited by Humbled123 at 7:22 PM, Thursday, September 9th]
fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 8:03 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021
Reddy sorry you are going through this.
Wait! What! The sex she says she never had was awesome?
How is that even possible? After all she passed her phony poly.
Ooooooh! I love it when they make lists. It demonstrates organizational skills. Like trying to decide between her two boyfriends who is the lucky one who gets to take her to the Prom. Except she is a grown ass woman with a H and children, and wedding vows to honor. Or not. I know it may come as a shock to your WW but these types of calculations normally occur before you accept a marriage proposal.
OP take the list for what it’s worth: the list is an insight into her maturity level, which is basically pre-homecoming dance. Always value yourself. You are the prize and you deserve better.
[This message edited by fareast at 2:07 PM, September 9th (Thursday)]
Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.
straightup ( New Member #78778) posted at 8:23 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021
Put a photocopy of the list on the fridge, held by a magnet. Wait for it to disappear. Enough said. No further comment necessary. I appreciate your kids might not like to see it, but I don’t think that would stop me in this case. Get free of her.
[This message edited by straightup at 8:25 PM, Thursday, September 9th]
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 8:41 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021
Click over to "New Beginnings" and see that you have lots of qualities that normal adult women are looking for. Flip it around - would you want someone like HER? When you start dating, do you want a woman that is jealous of your kids? No way!
Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
LostOpportunities20 ( Member #74401) posted at 8:46 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021
GIANT THANK YOU for your service as a librarian
Not that other professions are lesser by any means, but Librarians and Teachers have always been superheroes for me.
BH (late 40s)
WW (late 40s) EA 2008, EA/probably PA 2009
Confessed the first, I caught her the second.
R only in as much as we'll stick it out. Too late to start over.
smolderingdark ( Member #64064) posted at 9:25 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021
Your wife is pathetic. But I digress.
If she wants a real man then show her the real man within you.
Act swiftly, decisively and show her nothing but cold indifference and contempt.
Divorce your wayward wife. Push hard and fast to get her out of your home and your life. Take any photos, gifts, wedding memorabilia and give her the choice to claim them or you will burn them. Remove every last vestige and memory of her from your life and your home.
Offer no second chance / reconciliation as it will be wasted on her.
Choosing to chart the course listed above will be painful in the short term.
In the long term you will see fortunes reversed. You will have no regrets.
[This message edited by smolderingdark at 9:31 PM, Thursday, September 9th]
HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 10:20 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021
RealityBlows spelled out a very similar/familiar life and marriage as mine, except for the sex part, as my ex wasn't that hard to please.
Just know that its not you, you could have been damn near perfect and it would not have been enough. CHristy Brinkley, Halle Berry, Beyonce, they have it all and are some of the most gorgeous women around, fame and money, and they get cheated on.
And to boot, your ex is a shitty person, actively trying to cheat the poly and bragging about it. Go 180 and show her what she wants, she doesnt want you the plan B, who has a sedan and no passion. Take your talents elsewhere where someone else can enjoy them.
Aletheia ( Member #79172) posted at 11:13 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021
I love that you’re a librarian
Put a photocopy of the list on the fridge, held by a magnet.
Please please do this.
You crazy as hell if you stay married to her much longer. 180. That’s all I’ve got for you.
Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.
Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.
ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 1:09 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021
I have a feeling, well more than a feeling, that were he interested in a relationship she would be long gone already. But he's not, so she wants to work on us. There is no us left.
On top of this, she has me second guessing my interactions with the kids. She is jealous of them and the attention they get from me. In particular my daughter. But they are young (11, 8, 5). It's not like I always lavish attention on them: they TAKE the attention they want. They demand it. They're kids!
Just a rant, I guess.
Rant or not, don't allow your WW to make you feel bad about spending time with your kids. She's so childish and immature herself; making lists, and bragging to her friends about her perfidy. I wouldn't pay any attention to anything she says or does. Sometimes, you just have to consider the source, right? Who the hell is she to pass judgment on anyone's career or whatever? She's a no-account cheater who thinks lying and deceiving is clever. Just get a good attorney and move on. You might still have to put up with her until your kids are grown, but you'll be in a position to do it on YOUR terms.
WishidleftHer ( New Member #78703) posted at 2:37 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021
You should never be second best. Maybe it's time to be number one, if not with your WW , then with someone who'll make you they're number one.
Organic2003 ( Member #69811) posted at 3:13 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021
The words she wrote are clearly very painful to read. I don't know of many betrayed that don't have to deal with the stupid words and writings of their WS and then have to deal with the comparisons. It is truly ugly and painful.
It can be hard but the truth is you are the PRIZE the better man in everything.
he is content with just sex and seems utterly uninterested in anything else
For me I knew I was the prize and came to understand the AP was a FUCKER. Not anything to be proud of as a man.
I hope the pain subsides soon.
There is opportunity in EVERYTHING
reddy (original poster New Member #79314) posted at 4:02 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021
Thank you all for the words of support, they are much appreciated. I am having a hard time valuing myself through all of this. Self-doubt and blame are part of the package deal of infidelity, I gather.
I have a lawyer already and am in the process of gathering documents for him (quite a list to get through!). I can't see reconciliation happening at all here. I didn't directly confront her about this. I alluded to her feelings for him, and she just straight out denies that she has any. Her "poetry" suggests otherwise. Aside from that, her other behaviours continue, rugsweeping, blameshifting, lying, etc. Would it be too much to ask to have one true statement come out of her mouth in all this?
To top that off, she has a coworker texting AP on her behalf. She did admit to contacting him via facebook two days ago, ostensibly to see how his daughter's first day of school was. When I looked though, there was considerably more to their conversation than what she led me to believe (nothing sexual, however).
As to her list, I feel like a used car and can't get over the lack of maturity that is on display in that list. Funny thing is I once had a truck, and it did nothing for her. Except renovate an entire house, for her. I suppose a beat up 94 F250 with half a million KM wouldn't turn anyone's crank. Still though, it did have a 460 in it - nothing like getting under 200km for $60 gas!
I do still feel pretty down, especially in light of this poetry and list, but am finding that I am starting to come to a place of indifference. Still though, it is hard being around her, walking on eggshells waiting for the next "let's talk about us" moment. There is no "us" to talk about.
src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 5:13 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021
You are in a difficult spot. I would tell you to leave immediately but you have your children to think about. Do not allow your WW to define you. Keep working on yourself. Don't spend any time with her unless it involves the children. See if you can expedite the filing of the divorce. She is a toxic mess and must be dealt with ASAP by filing for divorce. Keep telling her that the two of you are through and you refuse to discuss anything else except the welfare of the children and division of property. Keep telling her it is over. Tell her you can't stand the sight of her. Keep telling her it is over. That should help make everything start to sink in.
[This message edited by src9043 at 5:14 AM, Friday, September 10th]
beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 5:33 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021
Your STBXW is surrounded by a bunch of enabling friends. More likely they're all cheating too.
Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 5:49 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021
You don’t need to confront just file. Hell man she knows she’s cheating.
The one thing you know for certain is all cheaters lie a lot. That’s all you’ve gotten or will get.
Let her go ASAP.
No contact will be your new best friend.
[This message edited by Marz at 7:19 PM, Sunday, September 12th]
Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 12:52 PM on Friday, September 10th, 2021
Can I deal with reconciling and any hope you have of reconciling?
In my first post on your situation I stated:
The only way to deal with infidelity is through reality.
I think a marriage can be reconciled from any situation where both want to reconcile and are willing to do the work. However that has to be done from a base of truth and knowledge. Right now you don’t have that and she isn’t willing to give it, therefore there is no basis for even considering reconciliation. If that is true, then the only logical option is divorce.
This all still holds true simply because it is true.
Any wish to reconcile could be compared to you walking around in your burning home wishing it wasn’t on fire and trying to decide where to relocate your couch from the burned-out living room. It’s not realistic. It’s not the correct time for those wishes or thoughts. While you waste your time wishing instead of acting the fire simply spreads and the damage continues to mount.
IF your wife were to change… IF she were to express a wish to remain married and be willing to AT LEAST take the first necessary steps… the situation completely changes. You have a shot at reconciling.
However to date nothing you share about your wife indicates she’s willing to change. You have no base to even wish for reconciliation.
I absolutely hate it when posters shout out at someone that they have the worst situation ever on this site. However your situation is unique in that you have a lot of factors going against you. It’s not common for a community to endorse, support and encourage infidelity. It’s probably rarer that this community is also work-related. It’s not common for WS to be so confident that they KNOW they can pass a poly. The whole poly process is not what is normal in that process. It’s not common that the BS is so distant in that process. It’s not common to get someone’s prescription drugs and to childishly hide them under a pillow. It’s not common for so many to know what’s going on while maintaining this level of deniability. It’s not common for a WS to be so careless with the evidence (pills, diary…).
With all the above I am not going to say your situation is worse than someone’s else, but I will state that I have seldom seen anyone with less to build any wish of reconciling on.
For you to hesitate or base any action on the wish to reconcile… Wouldn’t make sense. If you have any wish to reconcile then all you can do IMHO is committed to getting out of infidelity using the only path open to you. As is that path is terminating the marriage. Part of that process is divorce.
Inevitably going along that path will create change. That change COULD make her stance change. Or not. There is some possibility that she has a Come to Jesus moment and if you are still willing to reconcile at that point you too can change your stance. But for you to expect that to happen as is or for you to wait for it… No.
Haven’t we already established that your wife has an easy time lying? If so then why place much value on the truth of the list? To me it’s only purpose should be to confirm what we already strongly suspected: there is an ongoing physical affair.
Based on that and all the past evidence showing her level of honesty: Why expect any truth when she claims it’s over? Why allow broken NC to surprise you?
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 1:06 PM on Friday, September 10th, 2021
You are not obligated to talk to her about your marriage.
When she initiates the conversation you have some options:
Walk away. Leave the room.
Just sit there and say nothing. When she is done just get up and walk away. You can say "sorry I have to (fill in the blank)" but just get out from the never ending conversation.
You can sit there and just say "you’ve done nothing but continue to disrespect me by keeping in contact with AP and lying about it" and then "there is nothing more to discuss".
Shut. It. Down.
I had to do that with my H. He was begging me to R and I had no plans to do so. One night I was fed up snd I told him I didn’t want to hear it but if he was so intent on R go right ahead but don’t look to me to help you. I’m done!
I stopped having to have those "conversations ".
Best of luck.
[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:36 PM, Friday, September 10th]
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.