SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Marz likes to keep things simple, and I agree with him. Focus on yourself and what YOU want. If she wants to talk and you don't, just say "no".

You are correct that infidelity does a number on a BS's confidence and self-worth. I will tell you that being here helped me learn that it had nothing to do with me. Most BS's are good partners, parents, friends, etc. who are betrayed by selfish liars who only care about themselves. From what you have written, this describes you.

Just because she doesn't see it, doesn't make her opinion true. As a comparison, I have a cousin who thinks Tom Brady is a mediocre quarterback. His stupid opinion doesn't make it true.

reddy -

I’m sorry you’re struggling, you’re right, it’s natural for the self doubt and self esteem thoughts to creep when you’ve been cheated on, even if on an intellectual level & deep inside you know that guy is not in anyway comparable to you. Your STBXW "judging" you two is like a fry cook judging Bobby Flay, she’s in no position & her opinion is irrelevant at best, meaningless at most. It’s easier said than done but please do your best to squelch those thoughts & to not wonder why it is your STBXW thinks & does the things she does. She’s a maniac, you will never be able to understand. And you will never get the truth from her, that’s wasted time & energy expenditures to keep trying & on continued monitoring of her. Focus on what’s needed for the divorce & being a good parent :) grey rock & 180.

There are lots of great advise and words of encouragement that others have already said, but I just want to chime in and reassure you of something.

You are definitely a man's man. Anyone who works, and is there for their kids is a real man. At least amongst real people.

After reading lots and lots of stories on SI regarding OM is that they are selfish af. He would never do what you do for your family...

I wish you the best. Nothing about this is easy or fair

Mate at some point to come your'e going to think
"my dopey ex wife wrote crap poetry to a dick head "
and realise what joke cliche she is.
onward and upwards

I am having a hard time valuing myself through all of this. Self-doubt and blame are part of the package deal of infidelity, I gather.

Very typical and overwhelming feeling experienced by all of us here.

BTW: My experience is, that those elusive sophisticated, mature, fascinating women of substance would find a male librarian very intriguing. I'd proudly display that on your dating profile after you can your superficial WW. You'll attract a whole different class of women that are largely out of reach to many of us jug heads. (Ie. Cyrano vs Christian)

My skank ex-wife of many years ago has been running me down for no reason over the last several years. She has attacked my manhood, the judgement of my girlfriend for being with me, the fact that she was forced at gun point to marry me. That I was a horrible husband. You name it. But she is a psycho bitch and I laugh at how utterly wrong she is in so many ways. It's all projection, revisionism, and hysteria. I am NC with her but we share a son and grandchildren so information does trickle back to me. Don't let your STBXW get to you.

[This message edited by src9043 at 12:33 AM, Saturday, September 11th]

Would it be too much to ask to have one true statement come out of her mouth in all this?

Unremorseful cheaters don't speak truth. Truth is out of their reach. The closest to truth they get is impulse. They lie to you, to their friends and, most of all, to themselves. They're fake AF. They're, many times, internally confused and conflicted while externally very busy trying to cover it all up and make their impulsive choices appear controlled and rational. They spin and exist within a web of lies that insulates them from reality, consequences and conscience. Truth has no place there. Truth is binding and extremely intimate. That's why remorseful Waywards are always encouraged and sometimes even naturally compelled to tell the truth. A truly remorseful WS, absent of debilitating fear, is compelled to be truthful. The most truthful thing an unremorseful Wayward can say is,
"I don't love you". Anything other than that is a lie. "ILYBNILWY" is a lie. If they truly loved you like a friend, they would not hurt you so badly. "I don't love you anymore" would be a lie. That would imply they once truly loved you. If they once truly loved you they would have had the consideration to end the marriage less unlovingly. "It was a mistake" is a lie. Cheating requires the application of many well considered lies.

This is why cheating is fundamentally wrong and has been recognized as such for eons. It is entirely constructed and based on lies.

This is why it is so very important for Waywards to, at the very least, reconcile with themselves, if not their spouses, and get back on to a path of truthfulness. A WS is not required to R with their BS but, they should, at least, genuinely R with themselves-and this too requires remorse. Truth allows the former Wayward to have a more intimate and binding relationship with themselves, to forgive themselves and obtain genuine fulfillment and relationships going forward.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 1:45 AM, Saturday, September 11th]

Reddy,

Well at least you found out the truth and can move on.

Some of us never get that kind of truth, and spend years in a false recovery.

At some point in the future if your WW is with a guy with all those great qualities she will pine away for someone like you, and curse the $60,000 pickup truck with a small bed that he drunkenly ran into a tree.

I finally managed to stand up for myself and said "no".

She found one of my voice recorders and questioned me on what I had on it, and how long I had had it for. I didn't give her any answers until I told her in response to her question how much it had cost. I told her $75.

Her response?

"If you had used that $75 to buy me gifts we wouldn't be having this problem"

My jaw hit the floor. You can't be fucking serious!? I started to walk away and she tried to stop me and tell me we need to talk about this. I said "no, nothing to talk about anymore" and walked away.

So far she hasn't tried to question me further. I'm sure she will though as she is the steamrolling, badgering type. I am sure this is not over.

Nonetheless, I am feeling sort of proud of myself right now, albeit apprehensive of what is to come.

"If you had used that $75 to buy me gifts we wouldn't be having this problem" rolleyes

If you hadn't been with truck guy I wouldn't be buying this recorder...

Come on, man. You can't keep taking this shit from her. Her remarks concerning the $75.00 expense should do it for you. Do not sleep in the same bed with her ever again. File for divorce ASAP. Be done with her. You are evidently afraid of her. Why? She has completely fucked you over. The only way to stand up for yourself is to extricate this she-devil from your life. Divorce now and don't look back. You are not a punching bag. Stop acting like one. Don't be apprehensive of what is to come. Look at it as your liberation from hell. That is what it is.

[This message edited by src9043 at 7:28 AM, Saturday, September 11th]

W...TF?

You know, $75 is exactly what a Process Serve costs...

Does she know you were using it to surveil her? Tell her you were using it to:

-Take notes for the self help books you're writing: "Dump Her Ass Via The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck" AND, "How To Please Your Cheating Little Princess For Under $75".

-Make a mix tape of some of her lamest shit highlights that plays in the background of a PPT slide show of her lists, selfie's, and poetry.

-To take notes of the very complex and diabolical counsel of your shark attorney.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:39 AM, Saturday, September 11th]

I finally managed to stand up for myself and said "no".

Excellent!!!!!

I know this doesn't mean much from random internet stranger, but I'm proud of you!!!

Well done Reddy! Just be calm, steady and firm. Remember, you are the prize. You never have to apologize for trying to find the truth of your marriage. If she wasn't lying and cheating there would be no reason to monitor her.
Tell her you know everything and she can stop lying. Tell her she is free to go be with big truck guy. See what happens. Keep it up. You're doing well. Librarian power!

Dear (((Ready)))

Though all this pain you are doing as good as can be expected.

I finally managed to stand up for myself and said "no".

That GREAT a big step keep practicing NO is a word you need to learn to use often and us nice guys don't like using it. NO is not a three letter word. FU are also two words to learn too.

Respectfully,
Organic2003

I let my emotions get the better of me last night.

Once again, she wanted me to talk. I said no, nothing to talk about, but mentioned also that I wouldn't be her plan b. She denied me being plan b and I just pointed to her notebook and poetry, her side-by-side comparison.

Once again the denials came hot and fast. She claims they don't mean anything, and are just a way for her to get stuff out and, yet, they don't mean anything. Just "creative writing". Indeed.

She has poetry in there about me too. Which she pointed to as evidence of her feelings for me. But if one set of poems, about me, is to be taken seriously, why should another about her AP not? Once again, I think she is lying, and of course she denies. She insists that I am trying to make our marriage fail. Like I am the bad guy here? As per usual. She says our MC will agree with her, again, as per usual. I think our marriage has already failed, and she drove the final nail into it.

Her denials enraged me and I tried to walk away. She grabs me and wouldn't let me go and blocked my exit. I screamed at her to let me go. I have never screamed like that at anyone in my life. It scared her. I managed to break free and went and locked myself in the bedroom. She left for her dad's.

She came back later in the night and told me that she wants to work on things. But her continuous denials and lying are just pushing me further away. I need out, like yesterday. She says she is trying to make "us" work, but how can you make something work on a foundation of lies? Or am I crazy, could she be telling me the truth? I fucking hate this self-doubt.

On top of that, I just have no genuine feelings for her left. I am exhausted and went to bed last night at 10, which is about three hours earlier than I usually go. I just don't want to do life anymore.

[This message edited by reddy at 3:39 PM, Sunday, September 12th]

reddy,

it is good to hear you're standing up for yourself. Dealing with that type of betrayal is difficult, especially when your spouse basically tells you "Who do you believe? Me or your lying eyes." You will, of course, have moments of doubt. However, I think it would be helpful to write down all the things she has done to betray your marriage and re-read it when you have moments of doubt.

From another thread you wrote

I overhear two conversations between her AP after all this in which she states:

-He told me I'm not allowed to go the bedroom with you, but if I get a chance we will do it again.
-She intends to use marriage counselling (which I agreed to) to push for an open marriage.
-She intends to game the polygraph by asking irrelevant questions.
-She says "I told him I didn't fuck you...I'm still going with that by the way"

That little excerpt says it all. You need to internalize that your wife is NOT your friend and is, in fact, an enemy to you and your marriage. She destroyed it through her lack of character and horrific choices to betray and belittle you. I suggest you file ASAP and follow your lawyer's recommendations as to how to behave going forward.

Reddy:

Don't beat yourself up. Your emotions run high when dealing with betrayal and lies. If your WW wants to work on your M she can start with the truth. She has to admit to sex with him or you have absolutely nothing to work with.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:28 PM, Sunday, September 12th]

Reddy

Not sure I've ever posted on one of your threads, so let me start by saying I'm sorry you have reasons to be here. The way you feel is completely understandable. Your WW has her head so far up her own ass that it's probably in her small intestine by now.

That said, you need to be very careful how you engage with her while you pursue D. I see things ramping up between the two of you and you haven't even had her served yet. To protect yourself from false domestic violence claims, think about recording all of your interactions with her. A voice activated recorder could save you a night in jail, restraining order, and/or limited access to your kids.

Your anger and depression about the situation are understandable, but do not let her put you in a position that threatens your ability to parent. Until she makes consistent and verifiable efforts to change (months, not days or weeks) she is an enemy of your marriage and to you. With that in mind, remember this quote from The Godfather, "Never hate your enemies. It affects your judgment."

I just have no genuine feelings for her left

which may not be true. Otherwise why do you spend so much emotional energy analyzing, arguing, second guessing, rehashing, what she say and does and also wanting her to accept her misdeeds. You know what she has done and her current none caring attitude and only reason she wants to reconcile is to keep the family together and to show good face to the world. Unless you want the same (just role playing until it is time to D) you should not spend so much energy and getting into negative state of mind and checking what she does and says.
If you are not emotionally influenced (ie no feelings) by her, your responses should be calm and short such as "I am sorry you feel that way", No or yes answers, sorry I need some quite times etc

[This message edited by goalong at 7:17 PM, Sunday, September 12th]