Reddy, when was the last time you were genuinely happy in this marriage? Do you think this marriage is healthy for your children?
These are the facts: your wife is a cheater, your wife likes being a cheater, your wife enjoys manipulating you, your wife enjoys humiliating you, your wife likes being married to you because you do whatever she wants, your wife wants to maintain the benefits of staying married to you while having sex with other men. You have 3 options: 1. continue down this path of misery 2. Divorce 3. Accept that your wife is who she is & let her cheat in peace.
Hey Reddy, I'm sorry you are struggling. As Alethiea suggested, stop MC and continue intensive IC so your kids can lean on you as the sane parent. Maybe looking at the big picture and not perseverating around the betrayal will help to motivate? To strengthen your resolve -- why don't you make your OWN list of her pros and cons? I bet you'll come up with a lengthy list of glaring character flaws that you've dealt with the entire marriage. I read through your posts and came up with a list of damning behaviors/dynamics - in your own words. Hope this helps. Not my intention to bring you down. Yeah, I get it - a marriage can drift into a rut where someone ends up with all the power because it's easier to placate and play along rather than fight for equal time. I was guilty of this myself. Pre DDay I swallowed a lot of s*** sandwiches to keep the peace with my H.
Reddy, even if the betrayal/lying/post DDay lying and grifting are left out of the equation it sounds like your marriage functions with an uneven balance of power skewed in her favor? A marriage is supposed to be an EQUAL partnership based on MUTUAL love, trust and respect. Apparently she straight up disrespects you, takes you for granted, uses you as her scapegoat, and BULLIES you. And it's all about HER. Not you. Not even YOUR KIDS. What kind of mother weaponizes her children against their Dad and is "jealous" = blames the children for deficits in the marriage? "She's jealous of them and the attention I give them" WTF! Think about these statements:
She gets me to back down........... I tend to be one who doesn't stand up for himself much).
She is continually invalidating my feelings, trying to make me feel like I am crazy, not to mention paranoid
She argued with me while I made supper and will not let it go. Alternating between crocodile tears and "I love you" and plain old bullying.
I have always been pretty non-confrontational, doormat frankly.......
.....she is a snake.
.....this matches a longstanding pattern in our relationship where she tells virtually anyone who will listen all about our problems. The second I misstep she is on her phone texting everybody about what I did/didn't do. Mutual friends, coworkers, even the fucking neighbours.
...she tends to be a steamroller
The talk with her friends and coworkers has always gotten to me
I went for all ten sessions, she came for about four and quit. She quit because she approached it as though the problem was me, and that we were there to fix me and not us. When the therapist pushed back on her, she quit
...... she just wanted their attention.
My STBXW seems almost proud of her actions....... She seems totally unconcerned by her reputation
......she thought she would feel guilty, but doesn't - at all.
She texted me during this time called me fucking moron and said I took the kids so you could see what it’s like to be without your family.
I have always made things so easy for her.
I am the primary parent - was even stay at home parent for three years - and I cook, clean, let her sleep in, etc. She is quite literally on easy street as I ask very little of her.
I "do whatever she wants"
.....to her and her friends this means I'm gay, or something less-than.
On top of this, she has me second guessing my interactions with the kids. She is jealous of them and the attention they get from me. In particular my daughter.
......she is the steamrolling, badgering type.
These statements don't describe a healthy marriage (with a mentally stable partner) built on a foundation of mutual respect. I bet you've been unhappy for a while, but being the stand up guy you are, you were faithful to your commitments, and put your children's needs front and center above your own. You deserve better. Heck, being a single parent would be easier for you, and better for you and your kids than continuing to dine of the s*** sandwiches served up by your STBXW. I'm rooting for you to get out of infidelity and rebuild a better life for you and your kids!
[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 1:11 AM, Tuesday, September 14th]