Newest Member: Serenity7

Reconciliation :
Could use some encouragement, I screwed up

default

DevastatedDee ( Member #59873) posted at 7:03 PM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

"Google that shit."

Lord knows a BS will google that shit all day long. It isn't asking much for a WS to set aside an hour or two for some independent research on repairing what they did.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4442   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8678936
default

EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 7:07 PM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

I think you're doing relatively well in detaching, but I think you need to have a harder edge about it. Stop holding her hand on this.

When she asks, "What can I do?" Say, "It's not my job to tell you what to do. You were smart enough to figure out how to commit adultery, you're smart enough to figure this out on your own."

"Google that shit."

I came here to write JUST this. BINGO.

My xwh did the hand-wringing bullhooey too - "I don't know what to do" "I'm sorry but I don't know what you want from me."

This coming from a man that would google... engine bolts for 9 hours solid to find out the exact right thing to buy. Who would research 'how to make a polyamorous marriage work with a reluctant spouse' (hand to god that was actually one of his google searches after dday1).

I'm with Thumos on this one HCSDI - your ww figured out how to cheat on you all by herself. She figured out about her job all by herself. She figured out how to put all the blame on you all by herself.

I think it's important here to say that she is putting plenty of effort into allllll these other things. She has no issue putting effort into all these other things. The one thing she seemingly wants to put NO effort into is dealing with her A. What does that tell you?

What it told ME was that our marriage was 100% not a priority for my xwh. People put effort into things that are important to them - ergo, no effort = not a priority. And a marriage where I am not a priority to my spouse is not a marriage I want to be a part of anymore.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3140   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8678940
default

CuriousObserver ( Member #78743) posted at 11:55 PM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

HCSDI,

Good for you. That was the most encouraging update I have read from you. And I see you feel it too. You are regaining your agency and she sees it. I really wish all the best for you. (and Thumos is spot-on)

[This message edited by CuriousObserver at 5:56 PM, July 27th (Tuesday)]

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 112   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8679025
default

Tigersrule77 ( Member #47339) posted at 1:08 PM on Wednesday, July 28th, 2021

WW:"How do I show you I am plugged in and committed?"

I can think of quite a few things a WS could do off of the top of my head and that fact that your WW has to ASK what she can do to SHOW YOU she loves you is ridiculous.

Her statement that she doesn't have boundaries is all meaningless, until she shows through her actions that she is willing to address those issues.

I'm glad you have found some calm through all of this. Stay strong and keep focused on yourself.

posts: 1511   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8679171
default

BeyondRage ( Member #71328) posted at 2:27 PM on Wednesday, July 28th, 2021

You were smart enough to figure out how to commit adultery, you're smart enough to figure this out on your own."

SMART????? Would you really call facilitating a PA while on vacation in front of your daughter SMART???

There is no doubt your wife did NOT just sneak off with this guy cleverly or make a real attempt to hide it from your daughter.

All this focus is on empathy from her but nothing mentioned about was this her first rodeo. I will still say most women on their first foray into adultery would NEVER even consider it with their daughter around.

instead of telling her to read books you ought to be telling her she needs to prove to you she hasn't done it before. The ONLY reason you found out about this was because your daughter knew ( I hope you have given up on the God told her to confess bull shit by now)

Resentment like she has claimed was a contributing factor did not suddenly appear. How many girls trips did she take or go somewhere without you.

Given that she is going to be away constantly from now on, you might want to know what the fuck you are reconciling with. You can bet her training days will most likely end with a coed cocktail party and dinner.

Oh I get it "She said it was her first and only time"

The first demand, not request should be a polygraph test. Her reaction to that would be more valuable than her regurgitating what you want to hear from a book.

[This message edited by BeyondRage at 8:37 AM, July 28th (Wednesday)]

Me- 49M
WW- 48F
Kids- 23,21,20,18 all female
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=640592

posts: 476   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2019   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8679183
default

Hippo16 ( Member #52440) posted at 4:09 PM on Wednesday, July 28th, 2021

HowCouldSheDoIt

Your life is forever changed.

Staying? I think doing so is going to shorten your lifespan.

read: "The Body Keeps the Score" and maybe "Cheating in a Nutshell" (find easy on amazon)

Would you marry her if you knew she had this type of behavior as "OK cause I'm unhappy" ???

You need to change your attitude. You didn't screw up the marriage. I would argue your way of handling the marital transgression is not the best.

Good Luck

Not Just Friends

posts: 546   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8679212
default

Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 1:06 PM on Thursday, July 29th, 2021

“Before you leave”

This is the point I’ve been trying to make. She shouldn’t be leaving. Her infidelity has made this a critical moment in your relationship. It is a turning point of all turning points.

If she was ALL IN with wanting to rebuild what she destroyed she wouldn’t even be contemplating leaving. How can you rebuild if she is gone for 6 weeks and you are left wondering more than ever who she is fucking in her room between classes?

This is one of the most insensitive moves by a WS after DDay I have ever read. And on top of it the end result will be a life where she is gone and on the road 5 days a week.

If this were me, and obviously it is not, I’d tell her I wish her well on her career but I didn’t sign up for a life where my wife cheats on me and then leaves for 6 weeks to pursue a new way of life that excludes me 5 of 7 days a week.

Id let her know I am not trying to stop her from doing it, but it absolutely shows me I am not the most important person to her or even in the top 5 and therefore I will be responding appropriately to that knowledge.

Then continue the grey rock. You have started to do that well.

She has to want to stay because she wants you. Right now she has only given you words no actions. If you tell her the above she will know where uou stand and be able to decide what is most important to her. It’s probably the job. But maybe she will show that it’s you, and realize that her choices continue to be marriage destroying, not rebuilding and make a better choice.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3166   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8679434
default

OwningItNow ( Member #52288) posted at 2:28 PM on Thursday, July 29th, 2021

When she leaves next week, how long will she be gone? And how are you feeling as it approaches?

me: BS/WS
h: WS/BS

Reject the rejector.
Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5263   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8679447
default

Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 4:04 PM on Thursday, July 29th, 2021

Will her earnings from this job be deposited into a joint account with you?

Is it true that her job will require over night travel during the week?

Did you already pay $30,000 in advance for this training?

What are the demographics (e.g., age,sex, work experience)of the others at the training site?

Is the training rigorous?

What kind of training is this: lecture, role play/case, team based or team building?

Will there be homework every night or study groups?

What is available for the trainees in their off hours?

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8679478
default

Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 8:56 PM on Thursday, July 29th, 2021

instead of telling her to read books you ought to be telling her she needs to prove to you she hasn't done it before. The ONLY reason you found out about this was because your daughter knew ( I hope you have given up on the God told her to confess bull shit by now)

Damn straight.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4218   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8679558
default

 HowCouldSheDoIt (original poster Member #78431) posted at 12:00 AM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

She officially starts the job next week with home office webinars and calls, and then travels the week after.

It's strange, I have some concern of her cheating, but more hurt by what Stevesn acknowledged is that this is her priority. All her effort went into this job I feel second/third-class when compared to it. It is also strange because I understand this work is a part of her and who she always was, she was doing this work when we met and through our marriage. So it is complicated.

So Stevesn has a point but I don't feel that strongly, and don't want her to give it up for me.

She initiated a discussion last night which I told her I'm not sure what to do these next 6 weeks but I'm open to whatever arrangement she can make and she told me she would continue to pursue R and rebuilding while she was away. I'm not sure what that will look like, but I'm buying a motorcycle and maybe start / join a band (I played in a worship band for almost 20 years).

I'll give my youngest rides on the motorcycle, and probably take her on a weekend motorcycle trip to see her older sister. I'm going to have a fun rest of the summer.

Also Robert thank you for the questions, I'll respond more when I have more time but she told me she will put her salary in the same savings account mine goes in. I also make the decisions on where to put her 401k.

Me: BH Early 50's
Her: WW Early 50's
D-Day Nov 2020
Married 21 years before D-Day
3 children
Working toward reconciling. The most difficult thing I've had to do in my life.

posts: 239   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021
id 8679616
default

This0is0Fine ( Member #72277) posted at 12:20 AM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

I'm buying a motorcycle

I know people love these things, but as a risk analyst I have to recommend against it. Especially if you didn't used to ride when you were younger.

If you insist on it, please don't wear an open face helmet. Pay for good gear.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1329   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8679625
default

nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 12:47 AM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

Honestly, I think she's all talk. She can say she will keep pursuing R all she wants but if she isn't following through with her actions, it's nothing but words. I'd say continuing on with a lengthy separation and a job that will require even more including risky affair-similar places is the complete antithesis of making you safe and pursuing R. I believe she's willing to jump through some hoops to prevent a D as she sees you detach and pull away but not go the full distance that would make you want to invest in R with her.

It is also strange because I understand this work is a part of her and who she always was, she was doing this work when we met and through our marriage. So it is complicated.

Not at all. This isn't THE only career that will make her feel happy and fulfilled. People change their careers at her age all the time. I'm sure if she sat down and really examined what her options were, she could come up with something related to her field that didn't require travel. Yeah, it may not be the exact same role as before but it could still meet her needs in order for it to be worth it.

Ask yourself - what would you do in her shoes? Would you keep this job or would you put your marriage and your spouse first? How far would you go to make amends and to ensure that your marriage is healthy and not at risk of D after you cheated? If you would do something different than her, you have your answer as to where her priorities really lie. Her > Job > Marriage/You

posts: 4961   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8679633
default

OwningItNow ( Member #52288) posted at 3:12 AM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

I have some concern of her cheating, but more hurt by what Stevesn acknowledged is that this is her priority. All her effort went into this job I feel second/third-class when compared to it. It is also strange because I understand this work is a part of her and who she always was, she was doing this work when we met and through our marriage. So it is complicated.

Not really. Seeing her have passion, dedication, and effort to a job or career shows exactly what she is capable of doing--and what she is not doing for you and your M. And it hurts to see the stark contrast right in front of your eyes. It really hurts. A person's actions send us such a clear message. Why don't you work that hard for us? is all a heart can hear from such behavior.

I'm sorry. Try to build yourself up with fulfilling activities and thoughts, and work to detach. It helps reduce the hurt while giving you a clearer perspective on a path forward.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 11:14 PM, July 29th (Thursday)]

me: BS/WS
h: WS/BS

Reject the rejector.
Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5263   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8679662
default

grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 3:34 AM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

Try to build yourself up with fulfilling activities and thoughts, and work to detach

This. Practice being single. Don't just wait around for her to return. Don't sit by the phone. Do things that make you happy.

posts: 736   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8679666
default

Hippo16 ( Member #52440) posted at 1:47 PM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

HowCouldSheDoIt

read again post

Posted: 7:42 AM, July 19th (Monday), 2021 by Stevesn

there is a thread in progress about "Statue of Limitations" - suggest you read it too.

Good Luck(?)

What is Luck? Luck is preparation in anticipation an opportunity.

HowCouldSheDoIt

People change as they grow older - sometime change is suttle and sometimes not so much.

Then there is the occasion where the true person becomes obvious.

Something to think about -

Not Just Friends

posts: 546   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8679788
default

Notmine ( Member #57221) posted at 6:54 PM on Monday, August 2nd, 2021

she told me she would continue to pursue R and rebuilding while she was away.

IMHO you need to have more of a hand in this. What do YOU need her to do? What are your expectations and boundaries? What do you need her to do for you to feel safe? This should be clear before she departs. Some random comment about how she will continue to do the work she has not really been doing is really not acceptable. She should be busting ass to show you she is worthy of a marriage to you. From what you have written, it does not seem like she is really interested in changing, but more interested in rug sweeping.

When you're going through hell, for God's sake, DON'T STOP!

posts: 684   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2017   ·   location: DC
id 8680600
default

 HowCouldSheDoIt (original poster Member #78431) posted at 5:04 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

Me laying out what I need at this point is just a losing situation. This is a real example:

We had a discussion and I told her I'm very hurt because I know how much internet searching she has done for her job. What questions will they ask? What are the best answers? What should I wear? How should my hair look? Etc. I told her I'm very aware all the effort she put in.

I then told her I don't believe you have ever done a google search on things to say to help me feel better. I don't believe you've ever done that search, and that's why I feel very 2nd/3rd class here.

Now... You would think she would see that as an easy win; She would do the google search, write some things down, maybe ask me about them? What do you think, 20 min maybe? Easy win!

Nope. Nothing. She completely ignores the opportunity to meet me here.

I have mentioned this concept before of her not putting in any effort to be informed. Several times before. It is something she just won't do.

Besides, I have told her what I need. Multiple times.

It's a losing battle. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for but she's leaving next week for 5 weeks.

Thanks for asking.

Me: BH Early 50's
Her: WW Early 50's
D-Day Nov 2020
Married 21 years before D-Day
3 children
Working toward reconciling. The most difficult thing I've had to do in my life.

posts: 239   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021
id 8680874
default

grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 5:13 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

I have mentioned this concept before of her not putting in any effort to be informed. Several times before. It is something she just won't do.

Besides, I have told her what I need. Multiple times.

It's a losing battle. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for but she's leaving next week for 5 weeks.

That's why we are telling you she is not a candidate for R. Put yourself first instead of her or your M. She certainly is. I have to think she's just using you and your resources to position herself the best she can for life without you. You should really do the same. Keep detaching and make decisions that position yourself the best you can if D becomes inevitable.

posts: 736   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8680878
default

Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 5:29 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

Of course. You are reiterating what we are saying to you.

The issue is that you are not taking the advice we are Trying to give you on how to proceed when you get the types of responses that you are receiving.

You can’t seem to bring yourself to take the actions you need to do when you are faced with an unremorseful and uncooperative and overall uncaring WW.

We are glad to help. But we cannot do it for you.

To be clear, with the responses you are getting I would simply be saying to her “After having an affair I would be focused on my partner and not a life away from him. You clearly don’t care about that but definitely care about your career and own happiness. I wish you well with that. While you are away I’ll be taking the steps necessary to legally end this relationship which your choices destroyed. I care about you but no longer care to share a life with someone who clearly doesn’t care about me. I wish you well. “

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3166   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8680883
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20210918 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy