Thank you for asking. She flies out this weekend for 5 weeks.
I'm doing quite well, I don't really have mind movies or panic attacks, and really I'm more hurt by the 10 months of her uncooperative indifference, and as I indicated before the painful comparison between her boundless ambition and energy to pursue a career, contrasted with her passive inaction to make amends and heal the marriage. It's more of a slow burn, the marriage dying a death-by-a-thousand-papercuts.
I've been very "meh" the past few weeks, and I've thrown out a couple comments that while she is gone I'll be spending some money on a motorcycle and that I'm also looking to hire a men's fashion consultant, hair, clothing, makeover / new look for me (I've been rocking the same hair forever, the same glasses for like 3 years, and milking the same 3 sportcoats, 6 shirts and 6 pants and 2 shoes for about 7 years). She seemed a little threatened but at the same time intrigued but didn't ask me any details.
So about a week ago I broke my grey-rock when she was talking about when she's travelling I can visit her here and join her there, and I said I'm not making any plans like that, I am not on board with any of this, this is very much a pivotal moment and we might not make it. If it were me, I would not leave a marriage in this state and go off travelling.
It started a fairly good discussion I'm surprised she engaged. Usually me saying something like that would send her away for a couple weeks of stonewall.
We covered quite a bit of ground so I'll paraphrase the discussion:
WW: "I don't really want to go back to this job, but it's my best chance at making some money, and I only did it because of when you said you were going to spend all the money and divorce me with nothing." (Yes, I did threaten that early after D-Day, the thought of her taking half the money and running off with some guy was a lot to take in.)
Me: "I know what I said, I didn't mean it, I'm sorry I said it."
WW: "Well I can't just quit now after going through all this and getting hired."
Me: "Well if it were me, I would not leave a marriage in this state."
WW: "You think I'm going to cheat again?"
Me: "Not actively, but I am not going to be 3rd priority in your life, and I'm no longer going to watch you pour hour after hour of effort into your job, and do nothing to heal the marriage."
WW: "So you've given up?"
Me: "Completely. I don't see a path forward. I cannot do this by myself"
WW: "You just want me to grovel. You want me to always be unhappy."
Me: "I don't believe I've ever said that. I need to feel important. I need to see an effort"
WW: "So you don't see any effort on my part?"
Me: "No, not really. I recognize you being nicer and taking care of the house and things for me. But that doesn't make amends for the adultery"
WW: "You're missing the whole relationship aspect of things. I can't be what you need when we're not close, and I can't get close when you push me away"
Me: "And when you stop trying... this is why the default response to adultery is divorce. It is very, very hard."
WW: "Well if you would get closer to me..."
Me: "I'm unable to get close to you when my needs are ignored. I told you that I needed a comfort break at least 3 times a week. It has been 13 days since you last did one. It is 30 seconds of your time. It costs you nothing. What should I think when you don't spend 30 seconds 3 times a week? Wouldn't you give up?"
WW: "Well I don't always think about it"
Me: "Well I do. It's been 10 months of me thinking about it, alone. This is why I say it is 100% on you to come to the table and fix this marriage"
WW: "Well I'm not going to cheat while I'm away. I want to fix things but I don't know what it is going to be like and I don't want to promise anything I can't deliver"
Me: "I understand that, but if you wanted to fix things, I think you would find a way"
WW: "Well what do you want?"
Me: "I'll have to think more, but first, take your phone and edit my name to put an emoji or a punctuation to remind you each time you see it that you have a husband back at home who has been without for 10 months. That he's not happy with things. That he is not at all on board with this situation."
Me: "Then, at least three times a week, I want the reassurance I never got for 10 months, I want to at least hear the words "I'm sorry" and "It won't happen again." Better if you can be more heartfelt and caring, but at the very least I want to hear that."
Me: "Also, at least once a week I want you to acknowledge that this is difficult for me. Something like you are aware of the situation we're in, that you being gone and spending all the time is hard for me to watch, you appreciate my efforts, and you'll keep working to fix it."
Me: "I'll also point out these are not demands. You are free to not do them."
WW: "For how long do you need this?"
Me: "I'll let you know"
She was, for the most part, not defensive and seemed receptive to hearing it. Since that talk she has seduced me sexually, been closer, and provided comfort breaks every day.
So we'll see how these 5 weeks go. She'll be coming home a couple times for the weekend too. For the most part I feel fine, and the family is otherwise doing fine too.