Newest Member: Serenity7

Reconciliation :
Destroyed. I think this is the end. Please , please Help me

default

DIFM ( Member #1703) posted at 1:02 AM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

An even after all this toxic betrayal and gaslighting:

I know she loves me....

Is this what loves looks like to you? And if you can still call it love, of what worth is a love that can coexsist with lies, betrayal, cheating, secrets........?

posts: 1726   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2003
id 8670274
default

ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 1:54 AM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

We had our talk.

And like I thought, it was short.

She started accusing me of being toxic, abusive, controlling.

That requests of having transparency, and to cut that friendship are "sick". I am sick and need help. And I'm a liar because I read her private texts without her consent.

The affair is all my fault, she needed to look for love somewhere else because she was not getting it from me.

I've moved out already.

I'm hearth broken. My soul is bleeding

I'm so sorry. All you can do at this point is walk away. She clearly doesn't want to rebuild trust or work towards healing. Frankly, she doesn't even sound like a very nice person. If she was actually sorry for the cheating, she'd be empathizing with how you feel. So, nothing much to work with.

I know you've got to be feeling heartsick right now, but do try to put it in perspective. This woman cheats, lies, treats you like a second-class citizen, and doesn't care enough about you to want to rebuild trust. Make a list of all that crappy things she's done to you (and to other people), and all the things we tend to overlook when we're in love. It helps to step back and look at the cheater realistically. Our brains tend to want to fixate on the good things we think we'll be missing. But in reality, a woman THIS selfish didn't just spring into existence. She's got history. Look for her bad qualities and write it all down. When you find yourself missing her, drag out your list, read it, and add to it.

You're going to be okay. It's going to be rough and it's going to take time, but you'll get there.

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8670286
default

guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 2:06 AM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

she needed to look for love somewhere else

As if she never did...

She makes it clear that she will cheat again. She doesn't have the slightest regret about what she's done, and she hasn't shown the slightest improvement.

She just shows who she is, insistently. Believe her and run. Never look back, even if she gives you hope for R again. Don't waste your life.

posts: 477   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8670287
default

GoldenR ( Member #54778) posted at 2:55 AM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

You will look back at today as being the beginning of the best time of your life.

posts: 2642   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8670297
default

 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 4:00 AM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

Thank you all.

Feeling incredibly broken.

I still can’t believe this has happened to us.

I feel dead. This is going to be horrible. Horrible.

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8670309
default

Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 5:16 AM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

You will find happiness. She is not the only woman in the world. Chances are the one you truly are meant to be with, who will hold you in their heart and not someone else, is still out there.

Give it time. Slowly the pain will recede. And you’ll realize she wasn’t the one.

The real challenge will be when she realizes you were right, and starts begging to try again. That’s when you’ll have to be strong and stick to your demands and not even think about trying again with her until she has completed them, not just agreed to them, but completed them.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3166   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8670317
default

Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 12:10 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

In time you’ll realize you didn’t lose much.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8670347
default

sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 10:52 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

I've moved out already.

I'm hearth broken. My soul is bleeding

You are accelerating your healing.

I know it's painful. I imagine you're afraid you'll never feel whole again.

To the contrary, I think you'll almost immediately start feeling better because she's no longer in your presence, attacking you.

Congratulations on getting yourself away from the poison and the poisoner.

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:53 PM, June 27th (Sunday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26008   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8670457
default

 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 2:20 AM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

From our last conversation:

- She has been immensely unhappy for all our 13 years of marriage, that s why she ran away with someone else

- Our marriage has been just one long cycle of abuse

- She does not need to regain my trust, I need to regain hers

I'm honestly speechless.

I know I've been somehow abusive or emotionally unstable, but this feels just enormously exaggerated.

What is happening here? has she lost her mind? Have I been a monster all my life?

Is her goal for me to kill myself burdened from all this guilt?

I've to truly go NC and erase 13 years of my life. I still cannot believe this

[This message edited by alucard at 8:31 PM, June 27th (Sunday)]

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8670506
default

ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 3:26 AM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

You've got to stop buying in to her gaslighting, Alucard. If you're a monster for checking her phone WHILE SHE WAS CHEATING, you're in a forum populated by monsters. She accuses you of abuse, but that doesn't make it true.

There were also big problems in our marriage; constant financial struggle that really affected us, furious fighting, and (she said) emotional abuse on my end, my inability to control my emotions, mostly depression, sadness, and anger; her drug and drink abuse, and overall lack of stability.

So, her idea of "abuse" is you being depressed, sad, or angry, or you checking her phone WHILE SHE WAS CHEATING. She's allowed all the drinks, drugs, and adultery, but YOU aren't allowed to show emotions. Do I have that right?

Listen, you wrote up this really gorgeous description of her on page one, which shows that you've got her on this really big pedestal. But she sounds AWFUL to me. She sounds like a constant piece of work who must, by virtue of her enormous ego, suck all the oxygen out of any room she enters. And without any indication that she's willing to make changes, how are you NOT better off with her out of your life? Yes, you've got 13 years invested, but imagine if it was 33 years, and her still treating you the way she treats you now? You'd feel like you wasted your whole life, right?

There's going to be more women in your life, Alucard. And Miss Right can't make it through to you while Miss Wrong is in the way. I really do think that in order for you to see through this woman, you're going to need to take her down from that very high place of reverence you've had for her and LOOK at who she really is. She cheated on you, then called YOU "abusive".

It just doesn't get more shallow and conceited than that.

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8670524
default

Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 3:41 AM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

Cheaters lie a lot. Why are you still listening to her bullshit?

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8670525
default

Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 4:17 PM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

So her offer to do what you need in order to try and rebuild was a lie. That’s no surprise.

Stop talking to her and begin focusing on you. If necessary close things out concisely and simply.

“You’ve made yourself clear. I will not stay in a relationship where My partner puts her and everyone else above me in whom she cares about. I wish you well in finding what you want. I’m taking you at your word and will work to move on without you.

True life Partners should have nothing to hide from each other. It’s clear that you want a private life to do what you want with whomever you want. That is not what I call a true loving relationship so I believe there is nothing more to discuss.

I wish you well”

Then be done. Focus on moving on.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3166   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8670626
default

This0is0Fine ( Member #72277) posted at 5:25 PM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

From our last conversation:

- She has been immensely unhappy for all our 13 years of marriage, that s why she ran away with someone else

And she waited until after her affair to tell you this? So she hasn't just been lying to you during the A! She's been lying to you by omission at the least for 13 years.

Oh the pains of relationship history rewriting. They don't think these kinds of statements through.

- Our marriage has been just one long cycle of abuse

- She does not need to regain my trust, I need to regain hers

I'd say based on the first bullet point alone we know that she is full of shit. She is either a recently proven liar or a liar for 13 years. She can fuck right off with that.

I'm honestly speechless.

I know I've been somehow abusive or emotionally unstable, but this feels just enormously exaggerated.

You have most likely not been abusive. You are being lied to.

What is happening here? has she lost her mind? Have I been a monster all my life?

Your wife is a liar.

Is her goal for me to kill myself burdened from all this guilt?

No one likes to think they are the bad guy. So she will keep on lying to you and to herself.

I've to truly go NC and erase 13 years of my life. I still cannot believe this

I know how painful this is, and I'm sorry you are going through it. It's not your fault that your wife is a liar and a cheater.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1329   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8670644
default

EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 9:28 PM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

- She has been immensely unhappy for all our 13 years of marriage, that s why she ran away with someone else

Oh she must have borrowed my xwh's notes. He told me that 'the last 5 years had been hell for him'. We had been married 5 years. Rollin my eyes over here - this is just cheater 101 nonsense. It's just a way to try to excuse and justify her ridiculousness. Ignore.

- Our marriage has been just one long cycle of abuse

Another one straight from my xwh's book! More justification. More nonsense. Ignore some more.

- She does not need to regain my trust, I need to regain hers

Yup. My xwh said that I needed to really work at things to 'give him reasons to hope'. I bought into it for a while too.

To quote Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinny, "Everything that guy just said is bullshit".

If my xwh and your stbxww were soooooooo unhappy, then they should have addressed things like reasonable adults - you know, by talking to their spouse. Asking for counselling. Signing up for a couples workshop. Planning a vacation. Literally just about anything else but trying to fix their marriage via a third party's genitals.

Your stbxww sounds exhausting alucard. I know it hurts right now, but try going NC. I bet it isn't too long before you start feeling way more at peace.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3140   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8670692
default

 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 10:04 PM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

Thank you all for all your insights.

I've to be honest. For years she told them that some of my behaviors were hurting her. She wrote me letters, she talked to me, she tried to get me and us to therapy.

If I demand honesty from her, I've to first be honest myself. Knowing that I did hurt her and that she tried to tell me many times is why I haven't left, and that's why I wanted/want to try to reconcile.

However, what I can't accept is the "black and white" logic. The all-or-nothing mentality. I refuse to accept that ALL our marriage was nothing but abuse.

That's where we keep butting heads and that s why (I think) she cannot fully embrace her responsibilities; she is too caught up into the pain I inflicted her.

This is where I am stuck. I feel I've hurt her, but she made choices that are immensely destrictuiove. I can't be the one to heal her, we need to help each other through the night.

Anyway, at this point, this is just wishful thinking or perhaps a form of reflection There is no way we can fix any of this.

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8670696
default

 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 10:14 PM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

I'm so sorry. All you can do at this point is walk away. She clearly doesn't want to rebuild trust or work towards healing. Frankly, she doesn't even sound like a very nice person. If she was actually sorry for the cheating, she'd be empathizing with how you feel. So, nothing much to work with.

I know you've got to be feeling heartsick right now, but do try to put it in perspective. This woman cheats, lies, treats you like a second-class citizen, and doesn't care enough about you to want to rebuild trust. Make a list of all that crappy things she's done to you (and to other people), and all the things we tend to overlook when we're in love. It helps to step back and look at the cheater realistically. Our brains tend to want to fixate on the good things we think we'll be missing. But in reality, a woman THIS selfish didn't just spring into existence. She's got history. Look for her bad qualities and write it all down. When you find yourself missing her, drag out your list, read it, and add to it.

You're going to be okay. It's going to be rough and it's going to take time, but you'll get there.

Than you. Taking the time to truly go over this and make a list. I think it will be helpful

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8670698
default

nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 11:04 PM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

I've to be honest. For years she told them that some of my behaviors were hurting her. She wrote me letters, she talked to me, she tried to get me and us to therapy.

If I demand honesty from her, I've to first be honest myself. Knowing that I did hurt her and that she tried to tell me many times is why I haven't left, and that's why I wanted/want to try to reconcile.

What were you doing that was hurting her?

posts: 4961   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8670709
default

 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 11:35 PM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

Anger, harsh fights, verbal attacks during fights and discussions. I take responsibility. I should have been a healthier partner

What she does not realize is that she had similar traits.

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8670719
default

Tron ( Member #50936) posted at 11:48 PM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

You sound like a KISA. And she sounds like a person with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Look it up. Read up on it. Then count your blessings that you got out.

posts: 160   ·   registered: Dec. 24th, 2015   ·   location: Texas
id 8670721
default

 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 12:16 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

You sound like a KISA. And she sounds like a person with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Look it up. Read up on it. Then count your blessings that you got out.

Reading about Kisa.

Wow. Enlightening. I definitely recognize numerous traits.

I don't know about BPD for her, but I definitely see some traits too.

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8670725
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20210918 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy