I had to take a long break to assess everything that was happening, the advice I got, my feelings, and that screaming inner truth that is so obfuscated from the whole situation.
The 180 went terribly.
It lasted a few days. I returned home after she was begging me to come back.
Shortly after, we started arguing again over my "controlling" while ignoring the underlying issues - her lack of transparency, this relationship with this toxic woman, her inability to fully own it without blaming me.
She left for a job for 20 days. A great time to have some clarity and experience solitude.
I've been reflecting a lot, and I have a clearer understanding of the situation:
1. she is mainly focused on my emotional and verbal abuse (I take my responsibility, I could have been a healthier partner). My question to myself is: how much is truth, and how much is she rewriting our history to justify her behavior?
2. She is still minimizing and blaming my abuse for the affair. She is still not owning it or ready to do the real work. I feel and see regret, but I don't know if I see true remorse and extreme empathy. We need to "move on, forget about it and try to be happy."
3. I've accepted her behavior because of the pain I've caused her in our marriage - again, I'm I being fed an exaggerated narrative? I don't know anymore
4. She is still not transparent with me - I don't know her phone code, social passwords etc
5. She is still obsessively friend with this horrible woman that has brought so much destruction in our lives. Se is either completely influenced/infatuated with this woman, or she is more similar to her that I want to admit and accept
I know she loves me, but I don't think she is truly capable of really understating the damage she has caused, the pain she has inflicted me, and whether she has the ability to do the inner work needed to heal herself and our marriage.
Perhaps it is my abuse; perhaps it is who she is. I've realized that this is out of my control.
Time apart and several conversations between us have shown me that I still want to fight for her. And she seems that she still wants to fight for me.
After some brilliant sessions with IC, I've decided to make her an offer: I've offered a vision for rebuilding a new marriage and a new future, based on truth, honesty heal, and growth (and much more practical goals), and I've asked to accept my lead in taking us there and surrender to the process. I've asked to take some time to truly think about it.
I also told her that there would be rules:(boundaries). She came back to me after two days, answering yes; she accepts the offer.
Tomorrow we will have to sit and talk.
- Define healing not as "forget and move on" but address, uncover, reflect, learn, grow
- Radical truth on everything from now on
- Transparency with devices. No more secrets.
- She truly starts the work on herself, stops blaming, owns up. IC and whatever will help her address her behavior
- MC to explore a healthier way to address our issues
- She needs to cut the relationship with this woman
That's it. If she agrees, I'm ready to get out of the dark cloud and truly start the healing process and rebuilding our marriage.
Unfortunately, I know that she will never accept the device transparency ("surveillance is abuse"), and even less, she will NEVER accept to cut that woman out of her life. That's "her friend" and "controlling your wife's friendship is abusive."
She will never understand the massive impact that this woman had on our life. A woman with no meaningful relationships, lustful, gold digger, narcissist, sex addict, manipulative, shallow, entitled, spoiled, immature. A woman that invites her to meet men, sex parties, etc.
She does not see that, or she is not willing to so I will have to let go.
Perhaps she'll surprise me.
I've consulted a lawyer and I have a plan to leave this relationship gracefully.
It's immensely sad because even in the midst of this, we can experience deep love and connection.