Newest Member: Serenity7

Reconciliation :
Destroyed. I think this is the end. Please , please Help me

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 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 11:59 PM on Wednesday, May 19th, 2021

She told me she wants to see me and take the path I've offered.

I'm considering meeting her and give her the possibility to come clean once and for all; agree to my conditions, express what she needs to feel safe with me, and move on into real R once and for all.

I'm probably going to hurt myself, I know that

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8660984
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 12:10 AM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

Maybe you should tell her to write down everything in black and white on paper, no more omissions, no more lies. A narrative timeline many pages in length with detail. No one page outline. Tell her to write it down and email or mail it to you.

You then read it on your own. You then determine if you want to follow up with any detailed questions or if what she has written seems like the “real real” truth.

Then decide what to do.

[This message edited by Thumos at 6:11 PM, May 19th (Wednesday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4218   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8660987
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Bor9455 ( Member #72628) posted at 1:22 AM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

She told me she wants to see me and take the path I've offered.

I'm considering meeting her and give her the possibility to come clean once and for all; agree to my conditions, express what she needs to feel safe with me, and move on into real R once and for all.

I'm probably going to hurt myself, I know that

Last time I checked, this isn't a race. R is a journey that you take together. This isn't a 100m sprint, it is cross country distance run you take together.

It is time that you the betrayed spouse take charge of the ground rules for R. No Contact means No Contact and it will be verified. If you cannot verify it, why then would you accept to keep sharing your wife. She can be free to go be with her AP if she cannot be NC with this fool. There are plenty of reasons to R, but if they cannot remain faithful and transparent to you, then what is the point of staying in a marriage where you share your wife.

Myself - BH & WH - 35 years (05/24/1985)Her - BW & WW - 34 years (05/25/1986)<P>D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 164   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8661004
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 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 1:47 AM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

I don't want to spend my life having to check her phone.

If true change and desire to together do not come from within her, nothing else will do it.

I'm trying to rationalize.

She did not "directly communicated"; she told her friend that was contacted to let the AP know that we are in R, that she had tried to contact him at some point (she says because she wanted to close) but she added at the end to say that " I know that WW cares a lot about you"

It's this last part that destroys everything. Way adding that? Becaue she doesn't really wants to close this thing. That's my takeaway

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8661010
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 1:53 AM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

Any contact is contact.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8661014
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redrock ( Member #21538) posted at 2:19 AM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

You’ve had a lot of great advice on this thread. I think you are sincere in both you feelings for your wife and your desire to end the limbo you are living in.

However, You are still negotiating. With yourself, with her and with reality. You want R, and anytime she gives you the smallest hint that she might moves an inch in that direction, your’e jumping in with both feet before she dips her toe.

Let’s be honest, you couldn’t do the 180 for 3 days, with distance. How strong do you think you are going to be face to face?

You and she agree on this... she doesn’t have to respect your requests at all. You start to pull away and she dangles.... A few words and hope... and your right there.

She’s not the women you made memories with right now.

You think that somehow she’s finally got it? If she has..... why is she pressing you for a meeting? I agree with the previous poster.... get a written timeline before any meeting at all.

At the end of the day you make your own choices and we’ll still be here. The reason why the advice is specific and similar is because many, many of us have tried and failed to find that short cut to R. The one where words or one partner or love or memories are enough.

I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

posts: 3460   ·   registered: Nov. 6th, 2008   ·   location: Michigan
id 8661017
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 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 2:30 AM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

Redrock

I know. I'm aware of this.

With this half-assed attempt at the 180, I probably made myself even weaker and further diminishing my "power" and any real attempt at R.

She has been texting me no stop how suffering he is, how upset she is, she felt I abandoned her, and that she wants nothing but to make this work; and I fell for it already, less than 4 days into this.

She says she is ready to come clean and to take my offer out of this shitshow once and for all.

My life is a nightmare, and I know that I am the only one that can save myself

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8661018
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redrock ( Member #21538) posted at 2:36 AM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

Sorry we cross posted.

I didn’t read your reply before I wrote the below.

If she’s willing to come clean, then have her show you with the written time line. That serves two purposes. One she’s not talking you back into the room to be manipulated and second you will be able to face it without her making you comfort her.

One more point before I take my labs for their walk.

She communicated through a third party. She hid it. She Wants OM to know she cares, is heartbroken and needs closure.

You can rationalize it away. Have at it.

But you can’t both rationalize it away and end limbo. You can stay married, but that’s not R. She may never know it but don’t fool yourself

[This message edited by redrock at 8:39 PM, May 19th (Wednesday)]

I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

posts: 3460   ·   registered: Nov. 6th, 2008   ·   location: Michigan
id 8661020
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 2:40 AM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

Your actions at this point are becoming self destructive.

You know what’s up but seem to be powerless to stop your downward spiral.

Please seek some professional help. What you are doing to yourself is beyond normal.

Your wayward wife is a secondary problem at this point. You know who and what she is.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8661021
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Booyah ( Member #60124) posted at 2:57 AM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

You say you want the truth.

You already have the truth.

You read her comments. You are plan B and she misses AP.

You know this relationship has been physical as well as emotional.

So back to you want truth. She's saying to you now that you won't like what she has to say.

If she comes clean and tells you what you already know....what then?

This woman is DESTROYING your soul.

As Marz said, you're where you are right now because of YOU.....NOT HER!!

She's shown you who and what she is.

You want her to be honest with you?

How can you expect this from her when you can't even be honest with yourself??

You and this woman together is toxic.

I know this hurts, we've all been there. How much more precious time do you want to piss away being in this nightmare?

So she tells you she's been with guy physically (which you already know). You going to be good with this?

She is NOT going to come clean that you're her back up plan. Just not going to happen. However you KNOW THAT YOU ARE!!

Is this really how you want to go through life?

Imagine you're back with her. Spending a Sunday together. Going out for lunch, shopping, having coffee together, and on the drive home she's quiet...staring out the passenger window, deep in thought, you can't tell me that the thought won't cross your mind wondering what she's thinking, or more specifically who she's thinking about???

You'll KNOW DAMN WELL WHO SHE'S THINKING ABOUT.

Is this truly how you want to live your life?

Always wondering?

This is NOT love my friend.

This is codependency and you just being afraid to do what every fiber in your body is telling you to do and that's walk away.

Anyone that has followed your thread sees what you need to do and what you yourself have said you need to do.

What's keeping you from doing it is fear!!

Fear is immobilizing you and keeping you in this nightmare.

Carpe deim!!

Take action and do what you have to do.

posts: 1247   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2017
id 8661024
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RocketRaccoon ( Member #54620) posted at 4:08 AM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

alucard,

What you seem to be hoping for, is some form of 'closure'.

Firstly, 'closure' does not come from others; it comes from within you. You do not need anyone to 'close' things for you.

You have put your WS on such a high pedestal, that you literally worship the ground she walks on, and ignore (to your own detriment) all the betrayals she has heaped on you. All the disrespect (you possibly don't respect yourself mush either) she has shown you.

I wish you all the best, and hope that you can pull yourself out of this funk you are in.

*Note: To get out of this funk, you must WANT to get out of it first.*

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 888   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8661028
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 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 4:56 AM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

You are both right. And the deep rational part of me knows it.

I don’t want to let go this storyline of the one big love theft my conquers it all. We have been through so much together.

But at this point is just an illusion in my head, nothing more.

I have one move left. To leave and preserve the last ounce of dignity left.

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8661033
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RocketRaccoon ( Member #54620) posted at 5:46 AM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

I don’t want to let go this storyline of the one big love theft my conquers it all. We have been through so much together.

What make you think that you cannot find a greater love story in you life, with someone who will actually treasure and love YOU?

First you post this:

But at this point is just an illusion in my head, nothing more.

... and then you go post this...

I have one move left.

Dude, when are you going to be honest with yourself and stop this? From your current trajectory, it is an almost sure bet that you will find another 'move' if this 'last move' fails...

To leave and preserve the last ounce of dignity left.

Why not now? Why do you feel that you need to play another 'move'?

Gently now: Please, stop deluding yourself. You are your own worst enemy at the moment.

You are starting t enjoy the pain a betrayal causes. Stop now, or you will not be able to stop at all.

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 888   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8661035
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 5:58 AM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

I'm trying to rationalize.

She did not "directly communicated"; she told her friend that was contacted to let the AP know that we are in R, that she had tried to contact him at some point (she says because she wanted to close) but she added at the end to say that " I know that WW cares a lot about you"

Come on, brother. Stop splitting hairs. Stop allowing her to split hairs.

Her words are like listening to an Iranian nuclear negotiator constantly wanting to re-litigate a deal.

Come on.

You know what you're dealing with here.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4218   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8661037
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 8:57 AM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

Love is not supposed to be THIS painful.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10526   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8661054
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 9:04 AM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

^^^^^^ yep.

If you wrote down the good and bad from her I think you’d be shocked and come away with - what the hell was I thinking.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8661056
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Booyah ( Member #60124) posted at 2:53 PM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

"I have one move left"?

You're not playing chess here. This is your life You're talking about.

As the The1stWife said, "love is not supposed to be THIS painful".

The reason it is painful is it's toxic.

The sooner you not just see this, but do something about it (walk away), the quicker you'll start to heal.

posts: 1247   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2017
id 8661098
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Jambomo ( Member #74853) posted at 5:15 PM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

I don't want to spend my life having to check her phone.

This is your problem. Trust cannot be easily mended, in fact my own opinion is that once its gone, then its gone. Without trust then this is exactly what you'll be doing for a very long time.

I know you love her but the mental burden of being with someone whom you look at and think "Who are they talking to" or "Is she really going to meet her friend?" is incredibly tough. You end up living in fear.

I didn't realize how hard it was until I left my WBF and moved in on my own. It was like a massive weight had been lifted and I was someone that was scared of being alone.

posts: 240   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020   ·   location: Scotland
id 8661164
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tushnurse ( Member #21101) posted at 10:17 PM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

Alucard - While I understand your want and need to make this thing work out, you need to back up and evaluate the situation from the outside, as a friend would.

Your spouse and you have an unhealthy relationship, and it sounds like it was never great. Unhealthy and toxic relationships can seem like they are the best thing in the world, because when they are good there is NOTHING better, and the times are like out of a Romantic Comedy, but when things are bad, they are often tragically awful. This is not anyway to live a long and healthy and happy life. Because those times of great wonderful happiness are built on a false pretense.

Take a break. Establish No Contact. Understand that she is cheating and her verbal abuse of you, is unacceptable and not how healthy people treat one another.

Tap into your anger, and understand that she did all of this. She chose to cheat, and lie, and then got angry with you when you didn't trust her, and needed to verify her words.

Stop listening to her words, and start watching her actions. They are telling you everything you need to know. She is giving you the bare minimum of what R truly is, to keep you hanging on, because she is broken. You cannot fix it.

You cannot heal her. She has to do that all for herself.

Just stop with the contact. Make a deal with yourself. Separate from her for at least 6 months. If she truly wants this to work, she will be ok with that, and will spend that time working on herself and fixing her shit. While you too do the same, and maybe you can come back to a new more mature relationship that is worth being in, but brother, this isnt' what love is. I know you think it is, but this is abuse. YOU are the one being abused.

Pull up your big boy pants, and find your own inner happiness now. Life gets a whole lot better after you do that.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 18932   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8661300
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 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 10:40 PM on Thursday, May 20th, 2021

Thank you all for sharing your perspective and advice.

I didn't "move" as in a sort of plan, more as the last thing I can do to exit with some dignity.

@tushnurse, thank you.

You are absolutely right, and the approach you suggest is the only mature and effective way to deal with this problem.

We do have an unhealthy and toxic relationship and we cannot fix this from within this toxic environment.

Time to take this journey once and for all.

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8661313
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