Honestly, you seem all over the place, and not so much in R. I say this as someone who got stuck in a limbo of sorts, and had to walk away for my own mental health.
The current state of your marriage is not a healthy one for either of you. And this is because neither of you are personally in healthy positions.
Your W has a lot of work to do. She may not know what she wants, rather trying to do what is right, expected, etc. She is angry, and whether as the BS that makes no sense, or seems unfair, it is what it is. As long as she is angry, she will not be able to do any of the steps for R. Many WS's are so self absorbed in how the betrayal, by their own actions, has affected them, they can't get to the point of remorse, empathy, or even an ounce of compassion. They believe they are the victim. They tell themselves that they would not have strayed if not for their spouse being sick, working too much, having mental health issues, whatever excuse works. And so they are the victim of their own choices. It sounds ridiculous to the BS, but if this is where the WS is at after DDay, nothing will the WS does will move them past it. They will need to figure out why they permitted themselves to "respond" with an affair and betrayal. They could have done many other things. If the BS was the "reason" for the affair, the WS could have responded many ways other than an affair.
As the BS, healing and self care are essential. We are no good to the relationship when we wake riddled with anxiety over "what next?", "what if?", "she/he needs to", etc. I tried to demand certain things, but he wasn't ready. He suggested if he removed one women's number, blocked her, it wouldn't stop there. I would require all women blocked. In my mind, that seemed obvious, like "duh, you dumbshit, of course you block all women since you can't keep it in your pants!". But truth was, that was not going to really change things for me. I would then figure he would email, private message, get another phone, find alternative ways to communicate. I was never going to get peace of mind. Your situation sounds similar. I have since learned that I am likely a bit nuerotic. Which is a response to previous trauma, which I brought into the relationship as well. So, I have had to walk, work on me, set boundaries within all relationships. 6 years later, we are actually in R, and I am stronger. I have boundaries. I have my own life. And I have said, if at any point, I feel that this R is provoking my anxiety, pushing me to be neurotic, I see red flags, then I will remove myself. I have told him this as well. I have informed him cheating will not be tolerated, and if he does not feel he can handle that, then we are best to walk away from R.
Reading your posts, I feel like I have looked in a mirror of where I was. Determined I would make it work. I prayed and negotiated with God. I fought hard for the relationship. I looked for any and all pieces of hope. If he smiled right, hugged me on time, texted back within a certain time period, said the right thing, all these little crumbs he gave me, I held on with a tight grip, that this was worth it. Truth was, it was not. And I was doing more damage to both of us, but most importantly to myself. I was under valuing myself, and that gave him permission to as well. Think of it like this. We all love a great deal. We brag about how we got it. But it never matters to us as much as the item we work our butts off for.
Take a break. Walk away. Go no contact. If she goes off with someone else, she was never serious about R anyway. You are prolonging the process, and allowing the pain to grow deeper, when that seems impossible. From someone who was in the depths, deep in a pit after I walked away, I can tell you it was the best gift I ever gave myself.
