It has been SO LONG and a lot has happened.
I've been lurking in the forum. I don't really know why I haven't written; I find it particularly hard to find the energy and the clarity to post, but I understand that posting my story might help me achieve some clarity.
I re-read the thread. My god, in what state I was. Completely hallucinated, passive, completely out of my mind.
SO MUCH has happened. Let me see where to start.
We have been discussing bout everything, always butting our heads about her toxic friends, her lack of transparency, her blaming me for being abusive
We had one big argument one night until 5 am. I told her enough. It's divorce. Calmly Laid out the plan.
She screamed, cried went upstairs.
She then comes back. She completely broke down, in tears. She tells me that she doesn't want a divorce. She told me that she has been hiding behind excused because she doesn't have the courage the face what she has done, my pain, my brokenness, the suffering in my eyes. She says that she knows what she has done, she can't read it in my eyes. She cannot face it anymore. She wants to die. She promises me she will take care of my broken heart and she will do everything we need to heal. It feels like we finally had a powerful breakdown.
In the next few days she is attentive, loving supportive, presents, she gives me the code of her phone.
We take long walks, long hugs, make love, make plans. Back to who we were.
I start to open more about my pain. She can take it, she apologizes. she is supportive.
Everything was going great, but of course, it was just an illusion.
After a while, she starts to say that my face, my expression triggers her.
\That my pain is taking all the space. That I am not prioritizing her healing. She tells me that I've abused yer for all our marriage. That she has been emotionally and psychologically destroyed by me. She starts to blame me again for the affair. Meanwhile, she keeps seeing that friend.
We start to fight again.
Her issue is that I've abused her immensely and that I've no right to suffering for the affair; we should prioritize her healing.
I told her that I want her to heal, but that She cannot ask me to do not to suffer for what she has done.
Back and forth on this issue.
The more I try to keep her accountable on her choices and the affair, the more the supposed abuse I've inflicted on her grows. Basically, she says that all our marriage has been nothing but abuse. Meanwhile, she immensely minimizes the pain of her infidelity.
Honestly, I don't know what to do or say anymore.
I think that she doesn't have the courage and that character to face her shame and the pain she inflicted upon us.
I told her that if our marriage was such a monstrous experience, the only act of love left that I can give her is to let her go. To liberate her. she starts freaking out that I am leaving her, that I don't take my responsibilities etc.
I've arrived at the conclusion that she might have mental issues.
ALL my friend has told me that she is unstable.
I don' think I can carry the weight of her mistakes, of her anger, of her shame any longer.
We are now away from each other. I am on another continent, visiting my family.
She was supposed the come visit. After last night's fight (again because my face, my pain, and my expressions trigger her) I told her to do not come.
There's nothing else left but liberating each other from this pain.
I truly cannot carry this anymore. It's excruciating pain and it's consuming my soul.
I hope she can find acceptance for what she has done; I hope that one day she will understand what really happened. I love her and wish to heal grow and prosper. But I can't be in this massacre anymore.
Right now, I am just telling her that I love her from the bottom of my soul and that I'm sorry we lost each other. I've thanked her for all the love she gave me and the beautiful adventures. She can rewrite her history, but I'll stick to mine.
When I come back, I'll move out and file.
What an immense shame. I will never truly understand what happened. I can only accept and move on with my life.