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Reconciliation :
Destroyed. I think this is the end. Please , please Help me

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 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 12:42 AM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

Hi Alucard, how is the situation?

thank you for checking.

We had beautiful days. Dinner, hikes. moments together.

I'm getting A LOT of "I'm sorry, I'm truly truly sorry"

"ve immense respect for how you handle this whole situation, with class and love, and for fighting for us"

And more of this. We had some beautiful days. We were planning a big trip. It was heading in a good direction but unfortunately, we had another fight.

She continues to maintain a friendship with her friend that has disrespected me, and our marriage, basically being her partner in the making of the affair.

I'm not telling her to unfriend her, but I will never be OK about this friendship. I think this is what will lead us to our end. And I've to be OK with it.

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8672938
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 1:32 AM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

The disrespect continues. How 😢 sad

You deserve better

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10541   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8672950
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 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 2:07 AM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

It just feels hopeless.

"I'm abusive because I want to dictate who she is a friend with; she is free to befriend with who she wants"

I've firmly asked her to reconsider this relationship, to notice the destruction this woman has brought into our life. I will never be OK with this woman in our life, and the harm she has caused me.

She shows me that fundamentally she does not understand the severity of what she has done, the damage she has inflicted on me, and the poison she inserted into our marriage. Perhaps she truly does not understand, perhaps she is too selfish to even entertain the idea. I realize more and more that there is nothing I can do. All my personal spiritual development, my growth, taking my responsibilities, won't do anything on her. There's nothing I can do until she won't start working on herself. The silver lining is that I will become a better man from this. stronger, more awake, more aware, I will work on my flaws. I choose to do this for myself.

It's clear that there's no way we can salvage this marriage. Even if we have good days, the underlying core is just broken. I've to accept it, let go, move on, grow. I keep repeating this to myself as a mantra. It somehow gives me strength.

[This message edited by alucard at 8:30 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)]

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8672960
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Dude67 ( Member #75700) posted at 1:11 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

To be honest, unless you serve her with divorce papers you’re not going to make any headway with your WW. Once served, there’s a chance that she’ll drop the toxic friend and be an honest partner in R.

You must be willing to lose the marriage in order to save the marriage!

posts: 99   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8673059
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longsadstory1952 ( Member #29048) posted at 5:26 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

How many times must you be told you are abusive before you realize the drama queen you are with is a train wreck?

No one should have to live like this. How many others are hearing about the abuse? How many are believing you are an abuser?

The toxic friend needs to go, but the endless accusations need to stop also.

posts: 1060   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8673386
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 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 6:08 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

I'm tired.

My life has been robbed from me.

I've to let go. It's judt pointless. At this point, I'm just hurting myself more and more. There s only pain left in this marriage. Infidelity is a death sentence. I knew the instant o read those who texts on Dday.

It's time to start taking care of myself, redirect my energy inward and create a new dream for myself while walking away from the crumbs of my marriage.

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8673391
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Stevesn ( Member #58312) posted at 12:17 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

I would tell her that as long as she can’t see how destructive the friend is to her life, she has no place in yours.

It cannot be that she simply agrees to NC w the friend, but she also must see and believe that the friend is a bad person with bad intent. Simply stopping contact but pining away for that person is not enough. She truly needs to someday see how bad that person has been for her.

So tell your WW you wish her well with her life w this friend, but you are moving on to a life without such a destructive force as a part of it.

Let her know it breaks your heart to leave, but you will never have peace until that awful person is completely gone forever from your life.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 6:18 AM, July 8th (Thursday)]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3171   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8673443
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maxfocs ( New Member #78596) posted at 4:39 PM on Sunday, July 18th, 2021

Alucard, are you still alive?

posts: 50   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: toscana
id 8676565
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 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 2:38 PM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

Hi Everyone,

It has been SO LONG and a lot has happened.
I've been lurking in the forum. I don't really know why I haven't written; I find it particularly hard to find the energy and the clarity to post, but I understand that posting my story might help me achieve some clarity.

I re-read the thread. My god, in what state I was. Completely hallucinated, passive, completely out of my mind.

SO MUCH has happened. Let me see where to start.

We have been discussing bout everything, always butting our heads about her toxic friends, her lack of transparency, her blaming me for being abusive
We had one big argument one night until 5 am. I told her enough. It's divorce. Calmly Laid out the plan.
She screamed, cried went upstairs.
She then comes back. She completely broke down, in tears. She tells me that she doesn't want a divorce. She told me that she has been hiding behind excused because she doesn't have the courage the face what she has done, my pain, my brokenness, the suffering in my eyes. She says that she knows what she has done, she can't read it in my eyes. She cannot face it anymore. She wants to die. She promises me she will take care of my broken heart and she will do everything we need to heal. It feels like we finally had a powerful breakdown.
In the next few days she is attentive, loving supportive, presents, she gives me the code of her phone.
We take long walks, long hugs, make love, make plans. Back to who we were.
I start to open more about my pain. She can take it, she apologizes. she is supportive.
Everything was going great, but of course, it was just an illusion.

After a while, she starts to say that my face, my expression triggers her.
\That my pain is taking all the space. That I am not prioritizing her healing. She tells me that I've abused yer for all our marriage. That she has been emotionally and psychologically destroyed by me. She starts to blame me again for the affair. Meanwhile, she keeps seeing that friend.
We start to fight again.
Her issue is that I've abused her immensely and that I've no right to suffering for the affair; we should prioritize her healing.
I told her that I want her to heal, but that She cannot ask me to do not to suffer for what she has done.
Back and forth on this issue.
The more I try to keep her accountable on her choices and the affair, the more the supposed abuse I've inflicted on her grows. Basically, she says that all our marriage has been nothing but abuse. Meanwhile, she immensely minimizes the pain of her infidelity.


Honestly, I don't know what to do or say anymore.
I think that she doesn't have the courage and that character to face her shame and the pain she inflicted upon us.
I told her that if our marriage was such a monstrous experience, the only act of love left that I can give her is to let her go. To liberate her. she starts freaking out that I am leaving her, that I don't take my responsibilities etc.
I've arrived at the conclusion that she might have mental issues.
ALL my friend has told me that she is unstable.
I don' think I can carry the weight of her mistakes, of her anger, of her shame any longer.

We are now away from each other. I am on another continent, visiting my family.
She was supposed the come visit. After last night's fight (again because my face, my pain, and my expressions trigger her) I told her to do not come.
There's nothing else left but liberating each other from this pain.
I truly cannot carry this anymore. It's excruciating pain and it's consuming my soul.
I hope she can find acceptance for what she has done; I hope that one day she will understand what really happened. I love her and wish to heal grow and prosper. But I can't be in this massacre anymore.
Right now, I am just telling her that I love her from the bottom of my soul and that I'm sorry we lost each other. I've thanked her for all the love she gave me and the beautiful adventures. She can rewrite her history, but I'll stick to mine.

When I come back, I'll move out and file.
What an immense shame. I will never truly understand what happened. I can only accept and move on with my life.

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8686202
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HeartFullOfHoles ( Member #42874) posted at 3:31 PM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

I can only accept and move on with my life.

Stick with this. If your WW is anything like me ex, and she sure sounds like it, the rewrite will not only continue, but will get much worse. It is horrible having to deal with the continuing lies so make sure you have support to get through all this. The amount of delusion they will spin to avoid taking any responsibility is unbelievable. For me it got so bad I would question things I knew to be true. Also don't get caught in her half truths. My ex was a master at taking one small nugget of truth and then wrapping it with her own lies or distorted interpretations to change the narrative/context.

Sending strength.

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 674   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8686211
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Tigersrule77 ( Member #47339) posted at 4:19 PM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

alucard, sounds like you finally have your answer. Your WW is not making any effort to change and help rebuild trust. Her actions show that she is not interested in R, she wants to rugsweep. She TELLS you she will do anything you need, but she isn't really doing anything.

I'm sorry that things came to this, as it seems you really wanted R. I hope that the decision you have made has brought you some relief from stress and other pain. I found that having that certainty helped me a lot.

I hope you enjoy the trip.

posts: 1514   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8686225
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 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 5:26 PM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

Thank you.

I really wanted to R.
I believe I would have been able to forgive her, love her and find a way to move forward.
She is not capable to do the work. I've to accept it and let go.
I love this woman with all my soul. Until this, she has been an incredible lover, wife, and friend.
We had an incredible adventure, and I will always be grateful to her for everything she gave me. She loved me fiercely, and I tried to love her back with the same strength.

Somehow, she lost herself.
I tried to protect her all our life. This time I can't. I cannot follow her this time in this journey. I've to go.
I pray the gods that she'll stay out of trouble. I still believe in her and in her potential. I hope she'll achieve the dreams we could not achieve together.
It makes me immensely sad that she burned down all our history, our incredible adventure, so she won't have to face her demons.
I've decided that this is her choice. I respect it but don't accept i.
I will always treasure the time spent together. We traveled the world, and we had a love story that men can only dream.
I wish her good luck with everything that I've in me.

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8686240
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13YearsR ( Member #58259) posted at 5:37 PM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

Please be careful when you see her next. I think you should take someone with you and/or wear a recording device. If she's invested in blaming her infidelity on imagined abuse from you, who knows how she might behave as her world is crumbling.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married

posts: 443   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8686244
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 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 5:40 PM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

I will.

VAR, minimal interactions, witnesses.
Hopefully, we can end this amicably. Extremely painfully, but amicably.

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8686246
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 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 6:03 PM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

The truth is that even now I'm hoping that she will get it. A part of me doesn't want to give up but there is LITERALLY nothing left to do.
Even my IC told me that it's pointless. She is damaged (he says she has BPD) and years of therapy might not be enough to fix her.
I still cannot believe that it will end like this.

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8686255
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HeartFullOfHoles ( Member #42874) posted at 8:58 PM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

I think many of us who eventually ended up divorced wanted our WS to get it to avoid divorcing. The thing is, us wanting them to and them actually being able to are not related. Actually they may be inversely related.

Sometimes we need to dump the crappy hand we were dealt, take our loses and either stop playing or continue on with a different hand in a different game preferably devoid of lying cheaters.

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 674   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8686290
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 1:53 PM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

The truth is that even now I'm hoping that she will get it.

The biggest problem is you don’t get it. This is who she is.

posts: 6617   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8686760
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 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 11:16 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

I am posting an update for all of you who have tried to help me and a cautionary tale for other and new users.

Despite what I said, I still was moving forward with R.
I'm away to visit my family, and my WW was supposed to come to join me for a trip to our summer house on a beautiful Mediterranean island.

The night before her flight, we talked, and she told me that the toxif riedn that I hate stopped by to visit her.
We had an argument, I told her once more that that woman needs to be out of our life, that I dotn want her in my home etc.
She accused me of being toxic and abusive.
The morning after she text me that she has canceled the ticket. Didnt answer my calls, didn t call me back.
She canclet the ticket, our trip, everything.
I don't know at to say anymore.

The amount of pain that this woman is causing me is unfathomable. NOTHING in the world is worth this amount of suffering.

At this point, this is just me continuing torturing myself. I know at you will all tell me. D and move on.
I know. There's litterrally nothing left to do or say but D.

So immensely sad and panfitul. I wish I could channel some anger.

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8687862
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 alucard (original poster Member #78796) posted at 11:19 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

I keek looking at the phone with the hope that she would write or call.
I just cannot believe she would cancel the ticket like that.

I hear your words Marz:
"You don't get it, this is what she is"
"Cheaters lie and lie a lot"
"Actionsl, not words"

posts: 92   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2021
id 8687863
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 2:37 PM on Friday, September 10th, 2021

Divorce isn't something that should be done lightly. There's a trade off between getting yourself out of infidelity to stop the damage and knowing that you did everything in your power to give the wayward a chance to work with you for R. The tipping point is different for everyone. May you find the peace you deserve going forward.

posts: 748   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8687883
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