Newest Member: faithfulMan911

General :
My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now 2

default

 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 12:31 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

I wanted to post an proper update but life got in a way, so this stream of consciousness has to do. Sorry, but I need to get it out.

First things first - my vacation was great. Mountains, beer, no electronics and no women talk allowed. I had little to no contact with my W besides our daily 5 minutes calls before bed. It was kind of refereshing to just be, no heavy talks whatsoever.

I came back on Sunday totally exhausted but at peace with my decision. I hadn't told my W anything before I left, but I think she understood what it meant that I was leaving to go hiking. She just knows me too well.

It took me two days to

1) summon the courage

2) get kids out of the house to do what needs to be done.

It went as expected. Disbelief, denial, pleading, offering, a bit of anger and lots of tears from both of us. Definitely not my proudest moment. I made it clear my intentions are to make the whole process go as smoothly as possible without any drama or nasty fights, after all our agreement on assets and custody are still valid and all we have to do is to re-file. I expected she will fight me and will try to persuade me to change my mind but the level of her resolution to not let it go without a fight is quite honestly astounding.

In short she refuses to co-operate, wants to stay married and won't sign anything saying she wants to divorce. She thinks it would be a mistake and she believes it's fixable, wants to keep going, continue with IC and jump right into MC because "she feels like we are at a point where it can only help". Asked me all kinds of question like I thought we made a lot of progress, do you have someone else, it's your friends, they put it in your head and many more I don't recall because they were too weird or stupid to remember.

I initially thought that the shock will wear off and she will accept it (after all she must have known for some time this is where we were heading), but I apparently underestimated a power of denial because what followed in last two days was the opposite. She started gathering her friends, her family and even my parents (!!) who started leaving me messages asking me to talk or outright questioning my motives or asking me to reconsider. I understand the levels of her desparation, but still a low blow

I had a lot to do at work (thankfuly), but when I am not locked in my office she follows me around the house either trying to talk to me just throwing ideas and offers my way or just staying two feet away hoping for something that's not coming. I refuse to talk about anything other than kids/divorce but still, my grey rock/180 game is a weak one. But I do my best.

So yeah, not fun.

My mom asked me yesterday if I "don't think I have punished her enough already".. which left me speechless. They just don't get it, do they? I gave up on explaining anything to pretty much anyone because.. what's the point. Now I just tell them I appreciate their concern but we will resolve our issues as we see fit.

I am actually dreading leaving my office right now. It's 1:30am, and I know that she's waiting for me to come out. Even though I made my decision it's hard to see her in pain. I honestly hope I will never again put so much into another person

So.. sorry for a long rant but if any of you can offer advice on how to deal with an uncooperative WS I would appreciate it. Thanks

And sorry for spelling and formatting - on phone and 3h of sleep

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TT's with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 239   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8671685
default

grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 12:41 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

You can't have a drama free D without the cooperation of the WS. You need to speak with an attorney to figure out how to proceed without her cooperation. I didn't figure she would let go with out a fight. The only thing that will change that is if it's totally clear that you are done with her which is going to require you to be cruel to her. I really don't think you have that in you. Sit your family down and tell them you are done. Your feelings for her can not be repaired. Keeping the charade alive will only lead to more pain for all involved down the road. If that doesn't work start NC/180 with them also.

posts: 733   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8671687
default

beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 12:56 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Mr. F,

You can schedule another session with your WW and sit down again with her and state that you had this discussion before and you thought you made clear of what your intentions are since the beginning? Why would she suddenly change her mind when she previously agreed to all the terms you mentioned? She stated that she will sign everything on the table, correct? Why does she hesitate now?

All the best!

posts: 374   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8671690
default

Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 1:08 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

It would be best if she would cooperate but you don’t need her.

File and move along.

Amazing at how you, the marriage, family didn’t matter when she was having her affair with the shiny new lover.

But now it’s like how could you do this? Boo hoo hoo.

posts: 6609   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8671694
default

Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 1:11 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

My mom asked me yesterday if I "don't think I have punished her enough already".. which left me speechless

They aren’t on the receiving end and can’t understand why you have a problem swallowing that big old shit sandwich you got served.

posts: 6609   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8671696
default

Unsure2019 ( Member #71350) posted at 1:18 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Mr. F,

I glad you’ve finally reached clarity on what you need to do for yourself. Of course it’s painful for you WW, but remember at the end of the day this was self-induced. Consequences can be brutal.

Just a quick question. You once were thinking that you might D and then possibly start dating you XWW again at some point. Is this still an option in you mind or are you walking away for good? Stay strong!

posts: 203   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: California
id 8671697
default

nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 2:02 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Mr. F, imagine for a second that this scenario was happening to your daughter instead of you. If you son-in-law cheated on her and then brought together everyone she loves and cares about to argue with her that she should stay in a marriage that she doesn't want to be in, what would you call it? Manipulative? Coercive? Even abusive? Now remember it's happening to you. Angry yet? I'm pissed on your behalf.

I expected she will fight me and will try to persuade me to change my mind but the level of her resolution to not let it go without a fight is quite honestly astounding.

Nope. It's not astounding. Ask around and you will see plenty of WSes, even those in active affairs, fighting tooth and nail to stop their BS from D'ing them. Pulling out every trick in the book instead of what's actually likely to work - doing whatever the BS needs to heal. If your WW was able to step back and say, "It's not what I want. I would still R if given the opportunity. But I will accept that this is what you need to heal," how much you want to bet that you could be one of the couples who R and remarry after D? And this mindset is not uncommon amongst remorseful WS either. Check the Wayward forum. Check the "I can relate" forum for the thread for WSes who D'd. They're there. They've accepted their Ds which included making it fair and easy on their XBSes.

So why is it that unremorseful WSes fight the hardest against a D? Because it's about consequences and ego. It's rooted in the selfish mindset that's still prevalent in them. That's also why instead of self reflecting and understanding that D is often an expected and natural consequence to cheating, she throws out all sorts of ridiculous accusations. No! It couldn't possibly be because she did something that broke the marriage beyond all repair! Her ego is still wrapped up in being the good wife - the wife who made a mistake and then bent over backwards to put things right so that she didn't have to pay the ultimate price no matter how fictional that may or may not be from your perspective. If you D, her fantasy of your marriage and herself dies with it. Instead of the temporarily disgraced good wife, she's the bad wife who threw her husband and family away for a loser POS OM. And because everyone knows, they will also see her that way. This is her last ditch effort to salvage what's left of her reputation AT YOUR EXPENSE.

I'm sorry she's making this extremely difficult. I'm saddened and angered to see that she has created a wedge between you and your mother. And likely other parts of your support group too. That's incredibly unfair to you because YOU need them to be Team Mr. F right now and not Team Mrs. F. As much as it sucks, please press on. Please do WHATEVER is best for you regardless of anything she does. There is a light at the end of the tunnel if you keep moving forward.

posts: 4956   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8671708
default

straightup ( New Member #78778) posted at 2:21 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Mr Fibble, this is only my second post on SF but I have been following for some months, and have followed both your threads closely.

This site has been helpful to me in navigating my own 20 year + relationship recently, and to start to challenge what I can now describe as my wife’s wayward thinking and behaviour (short of sexual infidelity, I think). She was withdrawing sexually, withdrawing money, making large purchases she was keeping from me, wavering, basically heading on a path inconsistent with marriage. I was beside myself with worry two months ago, and am now just somewhat shaken. I hope, but can’t be sure, we will make it.

Background - My parents had a protracted divorce following an affair by my father, my father married the AP, her children became my step-siblings, my parents were both alcoholics, my father was high functioning alcoholic and medico but gave the grog away eventually, he passed away of cancer 6 years ago. I loved him but he was hit and miss as a father.

One thing I am proud of, the 3 children from 2 original families (6 all up - we were neighborhood friends pre affair) have partnered and remained with their partners. It’s a kind of solidarity to send a mutual f**k you message, through our stability, to our parents, signaling that the disorder our parents caused us all was unnecessary. There is dignity in it.

My mother remained a complete mess until she was about 70, was an ineffective parent and wasted the best years of her life. We kids had to deal with that, with no help from my father. She was worse without him, even if he was marginally better without her perhaps.

I love my older bother and sister but our family basically ended when I was13 and nothing took its place. Life became harder, poorer, unhappier, and less secure. My father did what suited him and we had no choice. We went our own ways mostly. In my situation, stepmother / AP created a veneer of family life, but we were left with few of the benefits a traditional family would have brought us, social, emotional or financial.

We had wonderful grandmothers though, I owe them my sanity and success. I am a law partner, still married (phew) and two children, 10 and 14.

You might guess that my parents’ divorce still has ripples which effect me in subtle ways at age 47. The sense of loss was profound and permanent despite whatever gloss adults tend to put on these things. It changed my world view. I was left with a lot of ‘what if’s’.

The experience and my love for my own children shapes how I handled my most recent difficulties. I am aware that it might put me at risk of manipulation too, however.

Sorry to thread jack.

My point is, I think you are smart and capable of compassionate insight, patience and delaying immediate gratification.

You can probably wait to make the best decision available to you (whatever that is) rather than making a worse decision which will give you short term psychological ease.

I perceive that some of the wiser heads on SI have stepped back to give you time to know your own mind and to not encourage you in one direction (D) or another (R). Check the thread history and see if you agree.

The decisions you make now will affect other lives deeply, and your own. I know that you have thought hard and deeply before deciding on D and that you will continue to do what you can for your children.

If your wife was still sneaking around I would have no hesitation in blowing it up.

With my apologies for sticking my nose in your business, and maybe affecting your genuine and hard-won resolve, I ask, could there be another way.?

Some have suggested divorce, then maybe reconcile. With no disrespect, that seems unappealing to me. But what about a trial separation and trial co-parenting with a mutual promise of emotional and sexual fidelity for six months, then make the permanent decision? It will get you free from some of the hysteria and help your children adjust. It need not be pergatory, you have the intellectual, emotional and ethical ware with all to manage it, if you want to. It will give you both a last chance to make it work on terms acceptable to you, or not.

Again, I haven’t really earned my stripes on this site. What I am saying may go against other equally well-meant advice, and perhaps better advice. I hope I don’t offend you or get the moderators! Noses out of joint.

What I do bring us the experience of a life scarred by infidelity, which has caused me to have my own views, and I have been tested by a recent scare to my own marriage. I am against selfishness, and am at least moderately anti-divorce, but had to imagine the prospect of divorce recently and think through the implications.

I hope good things come to you and your family, whichever path you take.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 17   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8671712
default

straightup ( New Member #78778) posted at 2:30 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

P.S. Is ‘Mr Fibble’ a reference to a certain Red Dwarf episode?

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 17   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8671716
default

straightup ( New Member #78778) posted at 2:30 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Double post

[This message edited by straightup at 7:41 AM, July 4th (Sunday)]

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 17   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8671717
default

clouds777 ( Member #72442) posted at 2:54 AM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

If she was truly remorseful, she wouldn't make a hard situation harder by refusing to give you what you want to heal.

Keep going. She doesn't have to agree to the divorce. You can still move forward.

Set firm boundaries with her and anyone trying to get involved. You decide. Your decision is not up for discussion. If they cannot respect that boundary, stop talking to them until they can.

Her behavior is unacceptable. She cannot bully and tantrum her way into staying married. She didn't get your permission to cheat. You don't need her permission to leave.

Again, I'm sorry. I divorced an extremely remorseful spouse who did the work. I struggled in very similar ways with guilt but divorce was absolutely the right choice.

For some of us, it's just a deal breaker. It just is.

posts: 124   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8671718
default

Dude67 ( Member #75700) posted at 1:40 PM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

Mr F. What was your thought process in making the final decision to move to divorce? Was it the gaslighting and lying to your face as you tried to get the truth out of her during her A, time and time again?

Initially, your plans were to divorce, have WW move out, then work on R. You then changed your mind to work on R while living together and not D. Now that you’re resolved towards D, What is your revised plan after the D is finalized?

Evan dash

posts: 96   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8671804
default

Lalagirl ( Member #14576) posted at 2:47 PM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

If she was truly remorseful, she wouldn't make a hard situation harder by refusing to give you what you want to heal.

^^^This x1000!

And I would tell her so. If she truly loves you and wants only happiness for you as she claims, she will let you go without the histrionics.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8624   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8671825
default

Kindern ( New Member #78441) posted at 4:53 PM on Friday, July 2nd, 2021

I guess her previous acceptance and understanding of why a divorce was necessary was just yet another dishonesty.

She didn’t understand how they got here, she didn’t understand why MrF needed a divorce. She was trying to draw a line under everything quickly so further truths didn’t come out.

The previous decision to grant a divorce wasn’t born of understanding it was born of a belief she could claw back a marriage afterwards. She was willing to give MrF a divorce thinking it would lead to reconciliation. Now it’s not leading anywhere she isn’t.

It’s just another example of selfish behaviour. When a divorce benefited her theoretically as a means to reconciliation she was on board. Now it isn’t, she’s against it.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021   ·   location: Uk
id 8671950
default

ramius ( Member #44750) posted at 8:37 AM on Saturday, July 3rd, 2021

Wait until she realizes that her Hail Mary pass has failed.

All the crying, begging, pleading, promises, suggestions, etc will come to a screeching halt.

And all that will be left is ANGER.

Watch your back.

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1604   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8672129
default

Newlifeisgreat ( Member #71308) posted at 4:48 PM on Saturday, July 3rd, 2021

Just checking in.

How are you doing today?

Hang in there, it will get worse before it gets better, but I promise it will get better, much, much better

Has her attitude changed?

Good luck and stay strong

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 664   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8672186
default

Justaguy61 ( New Member #75431) posted at 1:28 AM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

Your words from an earlier post you made IMO sums everything up.

But her lies, whole bunch of them both small and huge. No matter what her intentions were with it, she lied through her teeth while looking me in my eyes swearing on our children. I simply came to a realization I do not want a life partner who can betray me and then lie right to my face without blinking.

posts: 50   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2020
id 8672947
default

 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 2:45 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

I am just so tired of this. All of it. It just sucks all your strength and energy out of you and spits it into a black hole.

If I could offer an advice to other newly betrayed - be decisive and don't let your WS drag you into some kind of trench warfare.

Because it's hell over here. Attrition warfare if you will. We are clashing here and there, but nothing major, I believe we both are waiting for the other to give up and say "I give up, let's have it your way!" It's all just so.. absurd. What the hell happened to our marriage? Why did she felt the need to blow our lives up in such a horredous way?

I spoke to my lawyer and if I decide to go the contested divorce way it might take up to year or two and it will cost a ton of money. I was advised to try to find a compromise. So that's what I have been doing for last few days but I am running out of ideas short of lying to her and pretending we will R but I want to D first. That's out of my character, but desperate times call for desperate measures or something like that.

Now we are just going in circles and I am running out of patience. I told her If she really loved me she would give me what I want - an amicable divorce. She says she loves me with all her heart so she can't give up. Tell me about different points of view.

Just a quick question. You once were thinking that you might D and then possibly start dating you XWW again at some point. Is this still an option in you mind or are you walking away for good? Stay strong!

I wouldn't call it walking away for good since we have two small kids, but yeah. I believe she closed that door a few months back

straightupShe's been offering any form of separation for quite some time. I do not see the point. We are basicaly doing a version of in-house separation at the moment, we have a decently sized house so it's been pretty easy. This way we can both have our own space without distrubing our kids lives with new homes, moving stuff and so on. I have no issues with us living under one roof

and yes, it's an Red dwarf reference. Best series in the universe

Mr F. What was your thought process in making the final decision to move to divorce? Was it the gaslighting and lying to your face as you tried to get the truth out of her during her A, time and time again?

It was a multitude of reasons. But yes, in short it was the gaslighting and lying.

And I would tell her so. If she truly loves you and wants only happiness for you as she claims, she will let you go without the histrionics

.Told her repeatedly, she sees it from the oposite point of view. If she loves me, she can't let me go. Again, that's the selfish part of her speaking here.

guess her previous acceptance and understanding of why a divorce was necessary was just yet another dishonesty.

I don't know Kindern. I believe she has a strong selfish tendencies, and I believe she struggles with this a lot and genuinly tries to fight it. I think she knows what to do but is just to week at the moment to overpower her selfishness to do the right thing. Same thing was happening during her A. I think it has nothing to do with deliberate dishonesty.

Wait until she realizes that her Hail Mary pass has failed.

All the crying, begging, pleading, promises, suggestions, etc will come to a screeching halt.

And all that will be left is ANGER.

Watch your back.

I had already seen her angry before this started over again. So I am good, I can deal with it. If I see no point of saying anything I just don't engage. It takes the wind out of her sails pretty quickly. I learned this while dealing with two toddlers and cheaters (or selfish people in general) are basicaly the same.

Sorry I try to answer all of you but it's simply not possible. Nevertheless thank you all for your advice and concern. It means a lot to me.

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TT's with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 239   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8673871
default

ramius ( Member #44750) posted at 3:53 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

Maybe try this....

“Look, this divorce is going to happen. There are no if’s, ands, or buts about it. The only thing you have control over right now is how much money, that could be going to our kids in the future, is going to go to the lawyers kids right now.”

She has already destroyed your marriage/family mentally spiritually and emotionally. Isn’t that enough? Is her ego such that she must put a financial ruin cherry on top of this shit sundae that she created?”

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1604   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8673923
default

Kindern ( New Member #78441) posted at 4:06 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

> I don't know Kindern. I believe she has a strong selfish tendencies, and I believe she struggles with this a lot and genuinly tries to fight it. I think she knows what to do but is just to week at the moment to overpower her selfishness to do the right thing. Same thing was happening during her A. I think it has nothing to do with deliberate dishonesty.

And what part covers all this up? Because that’s the part that’s caused all this damage.

Yeah, she’s selfish. Yeah maybe some part of her “overpowers” the part that does the right thing but one “part” of her is always there and that’s the part that covers shit up. The part that trickle truthed, the part that justified the affair by damaging your marriage so she felt less guilty. The part that took a burner phone off some guy but still used her main phone just enough to leave plausible deniability. The one that changed her tune on divorce. The one that lied to your face.

None of that was “in the moment”. I personally don’t think your wife is as mercurial as you think she is. She’s been playing the long game since day one and all this dishonesty is just her selfishness in action. Not a series of mistakes in the moment. You said it yourself, it’s a war of attrition at the moment… how can that be an in the moment decision? It’s a conscious choice reinforced every day.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021   ·   location: Uk
id 8673931
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20210917 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy