Newest Member: faithfulMan911

General :
My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now 2

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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 9:17 PM on Sunday, June 13th, 2021

I know it's not fair to either of us to end it after all the progress we have made in past few months, but man.. sometimes it's a bit too much

Not fair to her, debatable. But how would it not be fair to you if ending it is what you want and what you think leads to a more fulfilling life potentially with someone new?

If this is a deal breaker, if all you can think about how you don't want someone in your life who did what your WW did, then staying together and attempting to sweep that under the rug isn't what's best for you no matter how much progress she makes. She can be the most remorseful WS ever and it still won't stop you from feeling pained and wondering when the other shoe will drop. If getting over it is something you want to explore, go for it. Just don't continue on as you are now attempting to stifle how you really feel because it "wouldn't be fair" or whatever.

posts: 4956   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8667181
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faithfulman ( Member #66002) posted at 11:26 PM on Sunday, June 13th, 2021

There is a lot of talk on SI about a WS finally getting it. This most recent DDay feels like the only time this was true for your WS.

She didn't "Get it" He got it out of her because she was facing a polygraph. Otherwise she planned to take it to her grave.

posts: 872   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8667194
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Lurkster ( New Member #77252) posted at 11:55 PM on Sunday, June 13th, 2021

@faithfulman,

I’ve reread that thread a few times a month before the latest DDay right up to disclosure and I think that is less cut and dry. It went something like: MrFlibble had softened on the idea of R and he dropped a heavy conversation on MrsFlibble where he asks for honesty above all else. It is at this time she trickles out a variation in the car hookup story which puts MrFlibble right back into hyper vigilance. A few days later she drops the bombshell about the burner.

The polygraph was continually pushed by MrsFlibble and resisted by MrFlibble. If she didn’t get it, after the honesty talk, she could’ve chosen to stop pushing for the poly and not admit to anything else at all. I think the honesty speech broke her and she finally got it, but I can see where it makes sense to admit so as not to fail the poly.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2021   ·   location: CA
id 8667196
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faithfulman ( Member #66002) posted at 12:19 AM on Monday, June 14th, 2021

@Lurkster - are you suggesting she pushed for the polygraph in order to admit to, or with the expectation she would admit to the prior inappropriate relationship?

I'm sorry (Mr. Flibble), but Mrs. Flibble does not appear to be the most rational or deliberate thinker.

Mrs. Flibble literally dropped the information about the prior inappropriate relationship on Mr. Flibble a couple of days before the polygraph, because one of the questions was if there were any other inappropriate relationships she had engaged in.

Much more likely, and I think this was supported through posts on the thread by Mr. Flibble, is that in her mind, Mrs. Flibble thought that the prior inappropriate relationship "didn't count" because she didn't cross the line of "something something technical cheater-brain bullshit" and therefore it wasn't cheating, but she got nervous about holding onto that lie as the polygraph approached.

I have to disagree. It's pretty cut and dry that Mrs. Flibble planned to hold back anything she could, and she had a couple of slip-ups in her strategy because she got nervous, jealous, etc. and reacted with poor judgement.

***

Anyway, we'll have to agree to disagree. I don't see someone who "gets it" or is gonna get it. What I see is she is a two-time cheater at least who got busted and is desperate to save her skin. I don't see a safe partner, now, or in the making.

And even if she does become safe, that doesn't mean Mr. Flibble is required to stay with her.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 6:34 PM, June 13th (Sunday)]

posts: 872   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2018
id 8667200
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Lurkster ( New Member #77252) posted at 12:38 AM on Monday, June 14th, 2021

@faithfulman,

No, I’m not suggesting she was pushing for the poly to admit anything. I think she was pushing for the poly to show that she was telling the truth thinking that A) She would never actually have to take it or B) She could find a way to pass it or C) The questions asked might be irrelevant to what she was holding on to or D) Purposely blow the poly and call the whole thing into question. It seemed like Mr. Flibble only wanted the poly to prove there was no sex.

I’m just trying to point out that the poly was not a certainty at all before the talk about honesty. She was not staring down the barrel when the rest came out, but they had been looking at possibly making it happen. It was not a garden variety parking lot confession and if she made the right moves, likely could’ve buried all of this and rode off into the R sunset.

And I will admit, your viewpoint is entirely plausible and is the more likely scenario based on many other similar stories. Definitely an agree to disagree scenario.

[This message edited by Lurkster at 6:39 PM, June 13th (Sunday)]

posts: 25   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2021   ·   location: CA
id 8667206
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steadychevy ( Member #42608) posted at 3:00 AM on Monday, June 14th, 2021

It seems to be a fact that your threshold for what is considered to be a deal breaker is quite a bit lower than most BS.

So what? It doesn't matter. A threshold of a person being compared to another's threshold is irrelevant. A person's dealbreaker is a person's dealbreaker.

Mr.Flibble has indicated more than once that it is the lies, lies and more damn lies, TT and more TT that is his issue. If that's his dealbreaker so be it. It is up to him to establish within himself what he can accept and live happily and what he can't.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4657   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8667226
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Lurkster ( New Member #77252) posted at 3:21 AM on Monday, June 14th, 2021

@steadychevy,

I reread and agree. But the point I was trying to make was his WS knew this which could be a plausible reason why she did the TT. Mostly a possibility and an opinion than a fact I suppose.

Edit: sorry, MrFlibble, I feel like I’m thread-jacking now. You have my support whichever direction you decide.

[This message edited by Lurkster at 9:30 PM, June 13th (Sunday)]

posts: 25   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2021   ·   location: CA
id 8667234
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Txquail ( Member #62946) posted at 3:26 AM on Monday, June 14th, 2021

Mr. F-

Well I am happy to see you've basically decided what you want. I give you my full support if you chose the path to divorce. The decision was a hard one to make.

Deal breakers are up to each one of us to define. Two affairs she admits two, two whole affairs that she gave you a lot of deceit and lies. Whether or not it was physical would weight in a ton. The lies it sounds like it ultimately did the marriage in.

I'm sorry you have to go thru this. I can completely understand. Your wife should have come to you when she needed to talk to someone, not another guy. Her lying to you shows the ultimate disgrace and I'll admit if I were in your shoes, I could never trust her.

I hope and wish for a better future for you. I know you do not want to be a prison guard or question where your wife is or what she is doing.

Anyway, get a clean break, remember the womans number that wanted to go see you. Maybe you should talk to her after your divorce is final.

posts: 282   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018
id 8667235
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 3:40 AM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Mr. F,

Any updates on your end? Have you processed your divorce proceedings? What's going on with your life?

posts: 374   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8668827
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This0is0Fine ( Member #72277) posted at 7:23 AM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Fair went out the window a long time ago.

Who cares about fair? Affairs aren't fair.

Lying isn't fair.

You feel how you feel. You don't have to be fair. You have to look out for your best long term interests.

Sending strength.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1325   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8668835
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maxfocs ( New Member #78596) posted at 2:06 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Dear mr flibble. I have followed your story carefully enough, but my goodness I have read and seen (and done ....) much worse, it is almost sweet to read it and it puts tenderness, I definitely understand your anger and your indignation, but this woman you loves and wants, it is so clear. I understand her mistakes, women give in easily to the need for attention and sometimes they give in too much, she sure did, but it seems that she fought to keep it within limits and she made it. Subsequent events have certainly punished her sufficiently, but I have the impression that the time has come to reconcile and start over. I believe there are all the conditions for a good future life, not to be wasted. This is what I see and hear, but clearly I am me and you are you. I wish you the best of course ...

[This message edited by maxfocs at 8:07 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday)]

posts: 50   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: toscana
id 8668855
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 4:49 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

I understand her mistakes, women give in easily to the need for attention and sometimes they give in too much, she sure did, but it seems that she fought to keep it within limits and she made it. Subsequent events have certainly punished her sufficiently, but I have the impression that the time has come to reconcile and start over.

Hmmm ... I think the above post misses the point of SI.

The post is filled with massive over-generalizations and with assumptions based on very limited knowledge. There are good reasons SI guidelines prohibit (over-)generalizations....

MrsF has no right to R, though MrF is eminently free to offer it, if that's what he wants to do. The fact that she may have limited her betrayal in no way mitigates the fact that she betrayed MrF. Men give in to needs/desires for attention at least as much as women do. Etc., etc., etc.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:04 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25978   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8668903
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HellFire ( Member #59305) posted at 5:15 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

but my goodness I have read and seen (and done ....) much worse, it is almost sweet to read it

It is not up to you, whether this betrayal isnt a big deal. It happened to him,not you. You don't get a vote.

And..really? His story is sweet to you? Wth?

posts: 3703   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8668908
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maxfocs ( New Member #78596) posted at 10:49 AM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

Calm down guys, I have only expressed my opinion and that it is mine and on my feeling, I said it clearly, I tend to have my own thoughts and not conform to anyone else, I said what I think and confirm, then it is clear that he is the one who has to decide on the basis of what he feels and knows

posts: 50   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: toscana
id 8669080
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 12:27 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

I came back on Sunday and have been catching on work since, but no move in any direction has been made. I will come back when things will settle a bit. Thank you for your concern

[This message edited by MrFlibble at 6:28 AM, June 25th (Friday)]

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TT's with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 239   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8669652
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iggyb ( New Member #74562) posted at 5:10 PM on Friday, June 25th, 2021

Good to see you are OK MrF. Have a great weekend my friend.

posts: 22   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8669822
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 10:05 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Emotionally exhausting two days, but it's done. I told her on Sunday, had to wait until kids were out of the house. Lots of pleading and promising, exactly what I expected. I have a reason to believe she won't sign it again and plans to contest the divorce, but I will jump over this obstacle when I come to it. Hope you all are having a better days than I do.

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TT's with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 239   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8670822
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 10:54 AM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Mr. F,

So it seems you're still going back and forth with WW willing to sign and not? I've followed your story and I believe you already explained to her before that your M is already dead and you needed to have a refresh, correct?

posts: 374   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8670825
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Sufi22 ( New Member #75842) posted at 2:05 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Mr F -

Sorry you're still in pain. It seems like you've made a decision. I know you still love your wife despite it all. Wishing you well and hoping you find peace.

D-day: Aug 3 2018
BH-60 WW-50s
M 21 years
WW had 2 year EA(maybe PA) and 1 year ongoing contact during Covid
1 DD
Trying to R

posts: 8   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2020
id 8670872
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 7:10 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

MrFlibble,

You've been put through the ringer and you did NOT deserve it in any way, shape or form. I sincerely hope this step brings you some peace and allows you to heal.

posts: 214   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8670960
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