Dude67 I believe It had been discussed during our first two sessions when our IC was trying to get to know us and our story. But nothing excessive, we just got into what type of person we are and if I recall correctly there was a question about our friends but I don't think we lingered on it much. And it's not like she doesn't have any friends, as I said we have many friends, but on that a bit superficial level if you know what I mean. The only really deep and meaningful relationships/friendship she has are with her sister and well.. me. And I am basically the same - I have one really good friend and her. Because I honestly don't need more and I believe she's the same. That's probably part of why this hurt me so much.
If our friends didn't like my W in the past they managed hiding it pretty well and I hadn't caught on it. She's likeable person, a bit reserved at the beginning, but when she opens up she's a joy to be around. People usually like her.
I was actually surprised how some of our mutual friend stood up to her when this all blew up, especially her girlfriends. There was noone in our friend's group who didn't make it clear they are on my side. But that doesn't mean they all completely cut her off and gave her cold shoulder whenever she was around. Not at all. With the exception of my three friends almost all of them reached out to my W in some way. To talk, to listen and to berate her, too.
As for the reasons for her affair(s) - I am now pretty sure they are just a symptome of way, way deeper troubles. She never told me, but I have reasons to believe her childhood and teenage years were not as great as she originally told me. As I said before, she was not in it for sex, love or excitement. She did it for validation, something she felt was lacking. But I am getting off the track now and going a way I don't want to go now since I am still trying to wrap my head around it and don't fully understand it myself, at least not yet.
Is it possible she would cheat again? With all sincerity? Yes, I believe it is.
Do I think she will cheat again? No.
Do I want to take my chances? Probably not.
That's something I need to find an reasonable answer for, the sooner the better. All of this is regulary being talked about in her IC. She doesn't tell me everything (obviously, and honestly I am glad she doesn't), but I know enough thanks to her short rundown she gives me every week.
Having been away from your posts for a while, I am not sure anything has really changed and it appears to me that you are drifting into reconciliation through inaction, a route that your wife is certainly not going to disrupt because she gets what she wants but I am not sure you want.
That's absolutely what is hapenning right now. But I have to disagree on that last part. We actually talked about it yesterday, and my W asked me if I would be happier if we divorced. She told me she seeing everyday what she did to me kills her. I do not laugh, I do not hum, I do not tease her. I just.. am. And it's good for now, at least that's what I am telling myself. Would I be happier if we divorced? Maybe, maybe not. So I told her I have no idea if I would be happier. I would loose half the time with my kids, that's for sure. I said it before, and I will say it again even though it sound horrible - things would be easier if she would just fuck him, or fell in love with, or crossed any other line that would be an instant deal-breaker. It would probably kill me, but at least there would be a swift resolution - Divorce and move on. And I would be hurt, and angry, and bitter but there would be an end in sight. Now I am all these things and feel all these things, but there is no end in sight. It's limbo, it's surviving, but not living the life as I or her should.
How is she showing ongoing remorse here, apart from the ongoing weeping and gnashing of teeth? Is it enough for you to overcome the barriers above?
It was a long process, but I believe she got from that place where all tears were about how this all affects her and her life to a place of compassion. Her day to day actions are hard to depict, but trust me, they are there. Less weeping and self-pity and more of what I would call remorse. But again, the vase analogy.
Do you ever wonder if there is someone else out there who will provide the happiness, unconditional love and respect that you deserve? If you stay, are you going to look back in 30 years time and say that was a waste of a life?
I do not wonder. There absolutely is. There are many women who would make me happy. Who would respect me and cherish me. Do you know Tim Minchin? Listen to his song If I didn't have you. The answer is there.
That line about wasting time is something my friend told me a few times. But I have to disagree. Even if we got divorced, I don't think I wasted those years. I had a partner by my side who helped me through some difficult times in my life, who gave me a great amount of love, who was there when things were great and when they were often really, really bad. And she gave me 2 amazing kids. And if I will look back in 30 years and wonder what could had been? Who won't wonder in 30 years? There are a few things or decision that I regret to this day. And you know what, It's OK, that's life. That chocolate box and all.
Sorry for this wall of incoherent text, but I wanted to answer at least some of your questions. And I got way too emotional since it's my daughters birthday today (it's 1:40 am around here right now) so excuse my babbling
Have a great day and again, thank you for your insight.
[This message edited by MrFlibble at 6:48 PM, June 3rd (Thursday)]