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I can see how much this is crushing her, I think she genuinly wants to be a better partner and doesn't know how.

This latest shame spiral is likely tied to how easily and cleanly you disconnected from Ms. Texter when it was clear she was looking to cross some boundaries with you. Mrs. F didn't do that which has lead her family to where you're at. Kind of forcing the introspection in the difference.
I 2nd using Not Just Friends as a resource. I still wonder at her IC as they should be helping her through these things. Might be worth the two of you discussing this with her IC. There's no magic wand that's going to make this 100% go away tomorrow, so if that's what you are expecting both of you are going to be very disappointed. Years of hard work and progress to get to the bottom and install better coping mechanisms.

[This message edited by grubs at 7:57 PM, Thursday, May 6th]

Mr. Flibble

I have followed your story since it was on another site, Reddit, I think. My heart goes out to you. You seem like a genuinely caring husband who really does love his wife.

The advice of “trust your gut” applies here too. You are the one sitting across the desk from her and I think you are capable to evaluate her genuineness. Your rose-colored glasses got knocked off on that last d-day, me thinks.

Perhaps it is time for her to begin to shift her focus and tackle other productive tasks in this process. WS often say they will do anything to fix things, when they really mean they are willing to SAY anything to fix things.

Maybe it will help if she starts doing, becoming. If she doesn’t know where to start, maybe list what things she wants to have happen, then describe what those things would look like, then describe what her behaviors would be like if those things were true. Then tackle those behaviors. In short, give more focus on doing than on analyzing - for now. As she begins to become a safer person, she may gain some new perspective on what motivates her. Sometimes our subconscious already knows the answers and the truth bubbles up when we are focused on another task. As she does the heavy lifting of change, I would not be surprised if she makes some self-awareness discoveries that helps you both.

Anyway, my 2 cents FWIW. All the very best to you both.

Mr.F

The "Why" is usually much simpler than we imagine.

An old fashioned word we don't hear much these days is "Lust". Another would be "Opportunity". And lastly, she didn't think she would get caught.

You will drive yourself crazy trying to find more sophisticated reasons.

The sex drive is present in every animal on earth, however, humans have it in abundance. The Bonobos, (a type of ape) seem to be the only other animals that come close.

God seemed to feel the need use two of the Ten Commandments to warn against it (Thou shalt not commit Adultery, & Thou shalt not Covet thy neighbor's wife).

Christ preached against the "sins of the flesh".

I know that you are a very logical man, but sometimes "Lust" overcomes "Logic".

I'm sorry, I know you've had a lot of posts and maybe missed this detail (it's typical advice around here). Did you guys read through "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, because the windows and walls stuff in there about setting boundaries and priorities is a great process to follow for the WS (or anyone really!) to avoid making selfish decisions and think about your partner when interacting with others.

Yes, I do post quite a lot. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it just takes me back, someplace where I don't want to be. SO I try to cut down my time spent here. I read the book a few months back, It's good. My W hasn't, it's in english and to be frank, she's better at numbers than foreign languages. But we talked about what's in it a bit, yeah. Hero boundaries are a lot better now, even to a point when she's the opposite, bordering on being rude. Tell me about overcompensation. I think I already mentioned it in one of my previous posts, but her attitude to her new coworkers is less than friendly, we are still WIP on this.

We found out that part of the problem was me enabling her selfish behaviour, not condoning, but enabling. Even if it was from time to time, it created an environment. That rapidly changed now. She's being called on, repeatedly by me and her therapist, when she starts sliding down back into her own ways. It's a long process, but keeps going in the right direction.

I also think I have managed to break that codependent connection we had. Now I feel more secure and sure I will make it in case we end up divorced. Something I could not imagine 4 or 5 months back. Living my life, being happy without her? Unthinkable then. But now? Quite easy actually. Do I want her in my life? Probably. Do I need her in my life? I do not.

I know it sound a bit strange, horrible maybe, but it's true. So there.

Sorry, ranting again.

Thumos, thinking about your point of projecting my expectations into my W. Interesting, and maybe a bit true. I definitely saw what I wanted to see right after the Dday. It's all a lot clearer now

She's being called on, repeatedly by me and her therapist, when she starts sliding down back into her own ways. It's a long process, but keeps going in the right direction.

That's part of this. She's broken in being selfishness. Golden child? Only Child? Who knows? Most people learn to temper their selfishness and balance it with others in their actions in early childhood. It's a long hard slog to change from being wayward to not regardless of the whys. Not all are up to the task, but as long as effort and progress is there it's possible.
How is she with the kids? Does she put them in front of her needs?

I also think I have managed to break that codependent connection we had. Now I feel more secure and sure I will make it in case we end up divorced. Something I could not imagine 4 or 5 months back. Living my life, being happy without her? Unthinkable then. But now? Quite easy actually. Do I want her in my life? Probably. Do I need her in my life? I do not.

That codependency wasn't exactly healthy on your or the relationships part. The probably isn't exactly a ringing endorsement that you will be able to do your part even if your wayward finds the way to becoming a safer partner. This close in to your latest dday, that's likely a healthy place for you. If you still have such tepid feelings six months, a year, two years in than it's likely not going to work long term. In the end the BS has to eat the shit sandwich regardless of their waywards progress. The BS has to accept what the WS has done, acknowledge that staying is risking a repeat, and still want to lean in and do their part to make the R successful. Maybe or probably isn't going to be up to that task. It's ok for now, but eventually you're going to need more desire to R. That's a highly personal decision that only you will be able to determine.

Her boundaries are a lot better now, even to a point when she's the opposite, bordering on being rude. Tell me about overcompensation. I think I already mentioned it in one of my previous posts, but her attitude to her new coworkers is less than friendly, we are still WIP on this.

I wouldn't worry too much about the overcompensation especially in the near term. Think of it like an potential alcoholic and drinking. It may be that she has to have stronger boundaries than a normal person just to be that safer person she needs to be.

[This message edited by grubs at 3:37 PM, Friday, May 7th]

How you doing, MrFlibble?

Not too good. My FIL passed away on Saturday so we are dealing with it now. I will came back, but for now all that stuff needs to be put on the back burner

So sad to hear that, Mr F.

Stay strong, take care of yourself and your family.

I'm sorry, MrFlibble. Take care of yourself.

Sorry Mr. Fibble. Prayers to you and your family.

Sorry to hear Mr F. May he RIP.

Thank you. Even though we all knew it's coming it was way too fast. He had troubles breathing so MIL called him an ambulance and he was tested positive for covid on admission. They put him on ventilator that day but there was basically nothing they could do for him and he died a day later. I feel sorry for him, because he made it very clear his wish was to die at home. We weren't even allowed to visit him on his last day. Just horrible. My wife is a mess, as expected.

I hate it, it's not fair, but I can't leave her alone right now. I have to say she's being very convincing with her attempts for R. But it's hard to tell how much of it is a real remorse and how much she leans on me in her times of grief

[This message edited by MrFlibble at 4:18 PM, May 21st (Friday)]

Walk your path in peace where ever it might lead. COVID really sucks. Best wishes to you and and your wayward's families.

Thank you, but I feel like going with the flow is what got me into this situation. I think it's time to take my life into my own hands and start calling the shots so to speak.

Funeral is this afternoon, so another horrible day ahead. Feels like this nightmare will never stop but that's life I guess

I'm sorry for your loss MrFlibble; I'm sorry for your W's and her family's loss.

There are (at least) 2 ways of going with the flow. One way is to avoid conflict. That does indeed have negative consequences. The 2nd way is to figure out what one wants and to go with one's own flow, raising and resolving issues as they occur. That can have negative consequences, but it can have positive ones, too.

The 2nd way is to figure out what one wants and to go with one's own flow, raising and resolving issues as they occur.

This. Sisson's right. You need to figure out where you really want to go. It doesn't have to be a definitive path. You can change your mind. But you should decide which way you want to head for now instead of just hanging around in limbo. Your path may be D. It may be another shot at R. It may be putting everything on hold for a few months then deciding. It's your path. No one else gets to decide. It doesn't have to be a straight line to your destination. Right now I see frustration in you that the FIL's illness and death shifted you off your path. Your family will get through this loss regardless of your decision. Where do you want to go from here? You've been leaning hard towards D since Dday2. Has that changed at all? If not, start walking that way again.

Thank you, but I feel like going with the flow is what got me into this situation. I think it's time to take my life into my own hands and start calling the shots so to speak.

Mr.F.

So glad to hear you say that. I hope you continue to move forward with this plan and attitude.

As my father used to say, Life isn't fair. Deal with what comes your way to the best of your ability.

Thank you all for your insight.

The funeral was what one can expect. My W was a sobbing wreck and basically didn't let go of my hand the whole time. We agreed beforehand to not bring up anything about her A and possible D before, during or after the service in front of her extended family (or anyone). Just pretend for a day none of it ever happened.

It was a bit weird pretending all is fine in front of all these people but I think we did good. There was no reason to feed the rumour mill, expecially at her father's funeral. I have no idea how many of them know, at least bits of it, but nobody was stupid or blunt enough to bring it up.

Things went allright up to a point when she got a bit drunk later in the evening (she doesn't drink) and when I decided to take her home we had a minor fight when she broke down sobbing incoherently jumping from aplogizing and telling me how much se loves me to telling me that since her father is gone I can leave her for good and be finally happy because she knows I would not be here if FIL wasn't ill, I will be happier without my "whorish wife" and so on. The whole circus.

I didn't want to cause a scene so I let it slide, put it on alcohol nad raw emotions, and we left without saying goodbye.

So yeah, still a mess.

grubsYes, my FIL's ilness and death definitely threw me off my path, but how could I live with myself if I left my W when her parent just died? But you are right, I am a bit bitter about it

Where do you want to go from here? You've been leaning hard towards D since Dday2. Has that changed at all? If not, start walking that way again.

Yes, I am leaning towards divorce. Just not right now

And to be clear - there is no R in process. We are nice to each other, but we sleep in different bedrooms (with exceptions), we are not being intimate besides occasional kiss and I kind of try to keep to myself when possible. I feel like I am slowly sliding towards what is called an indifference around here if that makes sense.

Mr. F, what is your main issue at this point that is hindering you from R? Is it anger, the injustice of it all, the fact that your WW lied to you so convincingly and for so long despite your entreaties, the gas lighting, her poor boundaries with other men to include the prior undisclosed incident? All of the above?

What is keeping you from D, other than the fact that your FIL just passed? If you D, do you plan on going with your original thought of D snd starting over with her from scratch? Where is your mind at right now? It’s hard to understand where you are going with all of this. What’s the end game?

Yes, I am leaning towards divorce. Just not right now

How long before you move forward? I wouldn't leave it open ended at this point. Pick a timeframe to pick it back up. Three months, six months, a year. You don't have to pick it up when it arrives, but at least it forces you to reconsider where you are at. Being just roommates long term is not going to be healthy for either of you. Are there things that can be done now that will make it easier to D in the future? If so do those. When you canceled the last proceeding did that cancel the agreement or just the hearing date?