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My wife cheated on me with her coworker. What now 2

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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 3:41 AM on Friday, April 30th, 2021

Brother we are in the outside looking in; you are on the inside looking out.

We read, summarise, and offer a perspective from what we read and feel. Unfortunately you are in limbo with emotions, family pressure, children and a big unknown future. Take as much time as you need, become selfish. Put yourself first. Take that 7k walk without your phone as often as you want. Communicate with others and express your concerns, your wants and needs. Let Mrs F know of your feelings, uncertainty and frustration that you may just be delaying the inevitable. She wants to R she become the super wife that helps and heals. You and only you will know when you are ready to pull the plug on D or offer the the privilege of R. By if all you take from this is one thing and that is communicate.

Now go hug those beautiful children 👶. Keep IC, yell and scream out loud if you feel it helps. and make sure Mr Angry 😤 is in check. But the longest journey always starts with that first step. Time is on your side.

One day at a time.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8655246
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RocketRaccoon ( Member #54620) posted at 5:29 AM on Friday, April 30th, 2021

Hi Mr. F,

Going to dissect your last post a little bit.

I told her my decision but I made it clear that it doesn't mean we won't get divorced in the end.

Fair enough. You have been through trauma, and you are still reeling from the chaos that comes with the trauma.

I honestly hate myself a little, it's been 7 months since Dday and I am not an inch closer to a resolution.

Why hate yourself? You did not cause this. Why do you think you 'need' to be closer to a resolution just 7mths out form the original DDay (shorter if you count the latest DDay).

And I know I should, because how long can we prolong this mess?

Why do you think you 'should' be closer to a resolution? As to how long? Well, that would depend on your WS. As long as she keeps dropping these piles of turd on you, the limbo will keep going on.

Maybe it's my fault, since I am so indecisive, but her TT definitely didn't help, it's like Dday all over again and every time something new came up it set the clock back. So in a way this is all new, just few days old. Does that make sense? I hope it does or I am losing my mind.

Have you asked yourself why you are indecisive? (Hint: could it have something to do with the TT, and the latest DDay?)

So, you are right, the original DDAy was 7mths ago, and that can seem like an eternity, but you are still in limbo not because you want to be in limbo, but your WS is keeping you in limbo also.

By creating new DDAys, it can throw a person off balance even more. The focus of getting out of Infidelity is lost due to the new trauma the latest information causes.

Take some time off. Centre yourself. Get IC. You will need a clear and stable mind to make these decisions for YOURSELF, and you are not stable yet.

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 888   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8655257
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humantrampoline ( Member #61458) posted at 4:13 PM on Friday, April 30th, 2021

Mr. Flibble,

You're getting good advice from grubs, steadychevy, and plenty of others here.

I just wanted to highlight what grubs said:

I actually see this as a red flag on her part. You've already told her you are not in a place for a relationship. Her contacting you is not respecting that boundary.

This is what I was trying to point out earlier. I don't think this woman is healthy .

Also, I think you should consider making your boundaries tighter and only taking advice from those you truly respect. I'm trying not to be judgmental, but do you think it's a good idea to discuss your marriage with someone you just met? You don't know anything about her really - values, motivations, character, etc.

I understand the irony. I'm telling you this on an anonymous internet board. At least you know she's who she appears to be. I could be a 14 yr old into drama and internet trolling.

There's just some evidence that you should be careful of who you are listening to right now. The "mutual friend" who offered a hook up is toxic and predatory. The friends who are helping and supporting you by trying to fix you up immediately with other women don't seem so healthy either.

Take care of yourself.

posts: 389   ·   registered: Nov. 17th, 2017
id 8655485
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 4:50 PM on Friday, April 30th, 2021

That text very much rubs me the wrong way and Mr. F. isn't blameless here either. None of us in that situation needs a new friendship badly enough to start even a platonic relationship with someone seen as a potential partner. I'm a strong proponent for a dating timeout post D (6-12 months) to allow the divorcee to just be themselves first which contributes to that.
Seems to me that Mr. F. has more than enough drama and confusion in his life right now. Anyone throwing more at him, whether his friends setting them up or Ms. Texter for pursuing contact, isn't being a true friend to him by doing so. I don't doubt that Mr. F. can handle it and keep to his boundaries, but he shouldn't have to defend them. One thing I learned from the train wreck that destroyed my first marriage is I no longer tolerate boundary pushers at all. Life's much more peaceful without them.

[This message edited by grubs at 4:51 PM, Friday, April 30th]

posts: 733   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8655519
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 4:56 PM on Friday, April 30th, 2021

I simply didn't feel the way I thought I should about the divorce.

I understand. I felt the same way.

I didn't make it as far as you, but late last year I had met with an attorney, reviewed the packet of information he provided, had calculated my child support payments through our state's website, worked up a monthly single man budget, found several Airbnb's that would rent to me for several months at a nice price, and had all the work lined up to hire a POD to be dropped off in my driveway for storage.

Then I stopped because I didn't feel ready and I didn't feel prepared.

It's OK to take the time you need.

I do recommend you continue to detach and not feel obligated to make this a comfortable place for her.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4214   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8655525
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 4:52 PM on Monday, May 3rd, 2021

Going through the motions, if you can call that. I got another job offer this morning, not so exciting as the US gig, but it will make for a decent income and it's full remote with very reasonable hours. The weather is nice so I did a lot of work around the house and garden with kids help. Helps to keep my head from overheating.

IC went well, I honestly think she's making a decent progress. No talks about R, not that she doesn't try to engage me pretty much constantly, but I deflect every try. I feel myself distancing a bit and I can tell she feels it too.

My FIL is doing good all things considered. We have a meeting with some people from a care facility. They can do in-house care which is something we have been looking into.

Overall nothing exciting either way to report. Hope you all are doing OK.

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TT's with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 239   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8656282
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steadychevy ( Member #42608) posted at 8:39 PM on Monday, May 3rd, 2021

Thanks for the update, MrFlibble. Take care and be good to yourself and the children.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4657   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8656343
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Booyah ( Member #60124) posted at 4:02 AM on Tuesday, May 4th, 2021

Says a lot about you going through this shit storm and stepping up to the plate and being there for your kids!!

posts: 1247   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2017
id 8656430
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 11:50 AM on Tuesday, May 4th, 2021

If she was so unhappy, why is she hanging on to the marriage for dear life?

She didn't cheat because she was unhappy with the marriage etc.

She cheated because she is a cheater.

Her unhappiness or discontent came from her, not from our marriage. It came in handy when she was looking for justifications. I genuinly believe she loves me, I don't think she stays for money or for kids. I offered her an easy way out, she fights tooth and nails for this marriage and for me. I have to give her credit in that regard. If it were an act, the mask would probably fell off by now.

She cheated because she wanted to and she could. Poor boundaries, need for external validation, low self-esteem. You name it. Is it fixable? Who knows.

My parents invited us for a dinner, I believe they will try to help with a R. My mom has been dropping hints about us "working it out" pretty much every time in last two weeks. Don't like that, at all. I love my mom, but sometimes it's better to be quiet

Edit as far as the other girl goes - we text here and there, definitely not every day. She asked me out on a coffee (as friends) and I politely declined. I should probably cut her out, but honestly, it's nice to have someone to talk to who doesn't try to push me in any direction

[This message edited by MrFlibble at 5:54 AM, May 4th (Tuesday)]

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TT's with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 239   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8656452
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grubs ( Member #77165) posted at 1:49 PM on Tuesday, May 4th, 2021


I should probably cut her out, but honestly, it's nice to have someone to talk to who doesn't try to push me in any direction


Oh but she is just with subtlety. Her continued contact is purposeful and she's patient. Being there for you to talk with and discuss your life allows a bond to be created and deepen. This is the first boundary crossed when your wife's affairs began. If anything this is one woman I would recomend you avoid. Someone that would be suitable for you as a betrayed would have just asked you to call her after the D. This is someone with flexible ethics on monogamy and is selfish enough to add to your confusion right now for her own benefit.
PS. Tell your mother that her efforts are unappreciated right now and will be counterproductive.

[This message edited by grubs at 2:34 PM, Tuesday, May 4th]

posts: 733   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8656473
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Unsure2019 ( Member #71350) posted at 3:55 PM on Tuesday, May 4th, 2021

Mr. F,

I totally agree with grubs. If you had firmly chosen D, then it would be OK, but you haven’t. You’re doing exactly the same thing your WW did. Would you be comfortable telling your WW that you met and talked with this woman in a bar, she asked for your number and you gave it to her and now you’re texting with her. If the roles were reversed, you would be upset, angry and not put up with this for a minute. You’re texting this woman because it makes you feel good. This is a crossed boundary and you’re on a very slippery slope. If you’re willing to take a hard look at this, you can see how your WW fell into this same trap. Initially, talking with the AP just made her feel good --- and then it escalated from there. Juist stop it until you decide the M is over.

posts: 203   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: California
id 8656513
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jadedangel ( Member #26979) posted at 5:57 PM on Tuesday, May 4th, 2021

You are seeking validation from a source that is not your wife. Continue this behavior and you will find yourself a mad hatter.

Y'all had some issues way back then and this is how your wife handled it. How is this current situation different? Slippery slope.

You have waffled between R or D, which is understandable. You do not need a new friend during this time.

You need to figure out what you want. If you are pursing D, then by all means open that door but wait until you know for sure what you are going to do.

Divorced 2007.
EXWH died 2011
Remarried 2018!

posts: 637   ·   registered: Dec. 30th, 2009   ·   location: Central City
id 8656553
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scaredwoman ( Member #78680) posted at 8:25 PM on Tuesday, May 4th, 2021

I see a potential EA with your lady friend while you're still married. You haven't decided to divorce which I understand, not an easy decision and it could be a while before you know. But talking to this other woman is not a good idea in my opinion.

posts: 150   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8656609
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 8:22 AM on Wednesday, May 5th, 2021

Oh but she is just with subtlety. Her continued contact is purposeful and she's patient. Being there for you to talk with and discuss your life allows a bond to be created and deepen. This is the first boundary crossed when your wife's affairs began. If anything this is one woman I would recomend you avoid. Someone that would be suitable for you as a betrayed would have just asked you to call her after the D. This is someone with flexible ethics on monogamy and is selfish enough to add to your confusion right now for her own benefit.

PS. Tell your mother that her efforts are unappreciated right now and will be counterproductive.

Done and done. Yesterday afternoon she sent me a selfie, nothing explicit, but I knew right then we should stop. Nothing good would come out of it

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TT's with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 239   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8656787
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Sanibelredfish ( Member #56748) posted at 1:23 PM on Wednesday, May 5th, 2021

Smart move, Mr. F.

posts: 748   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2017   ·   location: Midwest
id 8656804
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 3:42 PM on Wednesday, May 5th, 2021

MrFibble,

Well done Sir.

posts: 214   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8656844
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 MrFlibble (original poster Member #76085) posted at 3:47 PM on Wednesday, May 5th, 2021

Continue this behavior and you will find yourself a mad hatter.

sorry, not familiar with this. What does mad hatter mean in this context?

To make myself clear, I never had any intention to pursue anything more than a friendship. But maybe I was a bit naive, you are right. I don't know why I let it go this far. She's a nice girl and the last thing I want is to pull anyone else into this mess.

But it's completely over now, I said what needed to be said an I deleted her number. My W knows all about it, and she wasn't happy. I don't know, maybe I was trying to punish her a little. Wrong, I know.

We are having a dinner this evening at my parent's, so I expect a bit of drama tonight. My mom means well, but her delivery is often a bit off so I am mentally preparing myself for what she has to say. She knows about the canceled court hearing and I think she took it as a sign we are working things out. My fault entirely.

I feel a bit down today, and tired. No working out in a week and I can already feel it.

Thank you all for your help

Me: BH 33
Her: STBXWW 34
2 daughters under 6

EA/PA with coworker 05/20-09/20
Dday 8-10-2020
TTs, lies and more TT's with remorse here and there
Separated 08/21

posts: 239   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: Central Europe
id 8656847
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 4:20 PM on Wednesday, May 5th, 2021

What does mad hatter mean in this context?

Mad hatters are partners in a relationship where both have have been unfaithful.

Edited words

[This message edited by asc1226 at 10:53 AM, May 5th (Wednesday)]

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 369   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8656856
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 4:23 PM on Wednesday, May 5th, 2021

MrFibble,

Suggest you speak to your Mom ahead of time to let her know that you don't want to discuss this issue (or have any drama) during the dinner party. Not sure what type of person she is but it may make sense to pre-empt any reconciliation talk. Just let her know the reason you aren't jumping straight to divorce is that you need more time to process what you want and need.

posts: 214   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8656858
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jadedangel ( Member #26979) posted at 5:46 PM on Wednesday, May 5th, 2021

Mr. Flibble,

Madhatter's definition taken from SI's guidelines:

Madhatters - Any members that are both a betrayed spouse and a wayward spouse in their current relationship are considered Madhatters on SurvivingInfidelity.com®. Madhatters, in addition to any former wayward spouses, are prohibited from posting in the Just Found Out forum. Madhatters are welcomed to post in the Wayward Side forum. But only from a wayward perspective.

This is why I said you were on a slippery slope of at least an EA. Right now, boundaries need to be in place, with your mom, your friends, and yourself.

Your friends and mom only want what they feel is best for you. However, that is not their choice to make. Be firm on your responses to them but make your choices how you see fit when it is time.

Divorced 2007.
EXWH died 2011
Remarried 2018!

posts: 637   ·   registered: Dec. 30th, 2009   ·   location: Central City
id 8656879
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