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Just Found Out :
perception vs. truth

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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 1:18 AM on Friday, April 23rd, 2021

The first rule of SI is to listen to the guidance of the folks on here. And is so for the next 50 rules.

Sorry for the 2X4 Absolon, b/c I think you've handled this really well, save for the 2 instances that most on here guided against. First was for you to take that meeting with the Father in law, second was you writing that note. Again, you handled it well, but even then, you knew those asshole Narcissist were capable of creating drama. There was that other instance we advised you to not protect the WF and to tell your side of the story, but she came back quickly and accused you of abuse. This is a cautionary post for other BS, the advice from the folks here should be taken seriously.

Now, onto your current situation. YOu have a couple of things going for you.

- MOH, if deposed will tell a story that will provide intent and cause for this false accusation from the other side. This will pit MOH against her best friend, but fuck it. Its now a legal proceeding, so you should advise your attorney of the conversation you had with the MOH and have her deposed if it gets there.

- Your WF email about you being abusive should also be forwarded now to your counsel. Any correspondence from the WF saying she was lying or otherwise in text or voicemails will benefit you.

- The wedding party should also be part of the party going forward. Its unfortunately, but they know the details, and they also know how you've treated your WF and can provide positive reinforcements to your defense. They are the closest individuals to both you and the WF, and there is no better witness than those that were to be party to your wedding.

- Ex MIL, you should think about deposing her as well if it gets to that point. Since exFIL is not party to this action, she can be deposed since she will not be enjoying spousal privilege.

- Lastly, stop all communications with OBS. This cannot help your case. This will just muddy the water. You helped her all you can, she can either take the help or continue to be miserable in her M. But don't think that her husband the AP won't have a bone to pick with you. If he has the chance, he very well could be helping the other side to nail your ass.

I'm sorry you now find yourself entangled in another mess. This too shall pass, but the waiting game and expense are definitely not going to be fun.

posts: 1149   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8653136
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 2:39 AM on Friday, April 23rd, 2021

This is where you just listen to your attorney and not a bunch of us coffee table lawyers.

I’ve learned the hard way how cheaters can go from begging for forgiveness, for a second chance, for R, in a pool of snot and tears, swearing their everlasting unconditional love, swearing on their children’s lives that their betrayal was just a big mistake and not a reflection of their true love for the BS, their soul mate, only to have them turn on you when you walk away. Probably another reason to summarily serve up D papers while considering R and evaluating the WS’s qualifications for R. A tool from the 180 tool box that reveals how a WS REALLY feels about you. Seems like the truly remorseful let their BS’s off easily, with their love and blessings. They feel bad for what they did and they put the BS’s needs before their needs and desires, even when when divorcing.

I’ve always been an advocate for clean breaks. I think we focus too much on manufacturing consequences as if these people have the ability to learn something from their “mistakes”. As if it’s our responsibility to teach them a lesson. Just make a clean break and GTFO. No parting shots. No maneuvering the Karma Bus. Only tell who you need to tell. Advise the OBS of the known facts and leave it. No Social Media bombs, public shaming, burning beds, shit dumped in the street, AP punishment, going to AP’s employers, HR, licensing boards...it all sounds good “Louisville sluggers to both headlights” but, usually comes back to bite the BS in the ass and adversely affecting outcomes.

Would a lawyer advise a client to do any of this? They usually advise discretion and prudence. They want you to make a clean break without unnecessary acrimony. Without poking the tiger. Many unremorseful WS’s are unpredictable and dangerous.

posts: 647   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8653162
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 3:54 AM on Friday, April 23rd, 2021

Like we've mentioned before, carry a VAR at all times and watch your back. Follow your lawyer's advice, I think you have overwhelming evidence to countersue your xWF for false allegations and defamation of character but don't underestimate her POS father, to be honest I think he probably would still eventually have done it regardless of the letter, and frankly sometimes you have to defend your good name and protect your reputation, especially after what she did to you in social media, now you see you dodged not just a bullet but a cannon ball by not getting involved with that toxic family.

False DV/abuse charges are typically dismissed "quickly" due to their very nature and lack of evidence, especially with all the proof you have, but again follow your lawyer's advice and please give us an update when you feel it's safe to do to at least know you're ok, also run it by your lawyer that if need be, if things get even more complicated, that an "accidental" leak to the local media may do the trick for them to back off and leave you alone.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 10:05 PM, April 22nd (Thursday)]

posts: 2414   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8653173
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 4:02 AM on Friday, April 23rd, 2021

I’m sorry for you that it has resorted to this.

May the XF rot due to her lies and petty behavior.

I hope the issue is resolved quickly and you can just move on. Away from these people.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10553   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8653178
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BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 1:39 PM on Friday, April 23rd, 2021

First time I have chimed in on this thread, but I have been following.

I will never understand what she is trying to accomplish here. Trying to get him back? What is all this for? More money? Reputation? What are the motives here?

Why can't she just fuck off into the sunset?

Me- born in 1984
Him- born in 1979
We both have 2 kids from previous marriages and we share a two year old.
I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.
Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this c

posts: 171   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8653252
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DanielJK ( member #75654) posted at 1:50 PM on Friday, April 23rd, 2021

What BigMammaJamma said.

Is Absolon supposed to now say "OK, wedding is back on if you drop the charges?"

WF gets her reputation back if Absolon just capitulates somehow? Not sure how this helps reputation.

Geez, she destroyed his life enough and now needs to stick it to him even more? WTF?

BH 51
STBXWW 53
2 daughters, 14 and 16
Filed for divorce 12/23/2020

After a year of hell I finally moved out (5/26/2021).
Divorce still pending.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: CT
id 8653254
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 2:06 PM on Friday, April 23rd, 2021

This is where you just listen to your attorney and not a bunch of us coffee table lawyers.

Amen

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2720   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8653262
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 2:09 PM on Friday, April 23rd, 2021

“I will never understand what she is trying to accomplish here. Trying to get him back? What is all this for? More money? Reputation? What are the motives here?”

Here’s what this is about: Pure, unadulterated spite. That’s all.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2796   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8653263
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 2:10 PM on Friday, April 23rd, 2021

Why can't she just fuck off into the sunset?

Great question. People like her — and her father —- don’t like to lose. And by the wedding being cancelled snd the very polite letter that was sent I believe they both realize that they cannot “win”. So they turn to vindictive behavior.

True narcissistic behavior IMO

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10553   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8653265
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:32 PM on Friday, April 23rd, 2021

Is Absolon supposed to now say "OK, wedding is back on if you drop the charges?"

WF gets her reputation back if Absolon just capitulates somehow? Not sure how this helps reputation.

I spend some time around some of the trust fund crowd. Money no object crowd. Think those who don't bat an eye at spending well into the five figures each to send their kids to private k12 school. Just like all groups of people there's good and bad members. The good ones don't make a habit of wielding their money and power to get their way. They'll do it if they have to but that is not their primary operating mode. Some of them you wouldn't know how much money they have. They also go actively go out of their way to raise their kids to not be entitled.

The problem is the bad ones. They have no problem wielding their money and power like a club to get what they want. It's a game to them. They are seldom denied in what they want. They raise their kids with the same attitude. This is the type of family with which Absolon has tangled. There is no win here for them, outside of maybe spreading a thin veneer of a lie that no one believes that this cluster f*ck is not the fault of the exGfs flaws. The real purpose is to punish Absolon for daring to deny them something they desired.

[This message edited by grubs at 8:32 AM, April 23rd (Friday)]

posts: 748   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8653293
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elKAPPYtan ( member #72085) posted at 3:19 PM on Friday, April 23rd, 2021

Here’s what this is about: Pure, unadulterated spite. That’s all.

100%. This is her last avenue and chance to hurt you. And hurt you why? because you walked away from her.

Dude, I am so sorry you are going through this.

Me: 36WW: 36DDay: Oct 3rd 2019

"You keep it in between the pages of the books you burn so no one gets to read" -Corey MF Taylor

posts: 158   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2019   ·   location: MI
id 8653325
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ramius ( member #44750) posted at 3:26 PM on Friday, April 23rd, 2021

Remember what I said about attention being the currency of narcissists? And how it doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad attention?

When you already know the neighbors dog is aggressive, don’t unnecessarily poke it with a stick.

This serves as a warning to other BS.

Drop any notions of “closure.”

How many scars have you rationalized because you loved the person who was holding the knife?

Their actions reveal their intentions. Their words conceal them.

posts: 1604   ·   registered: Sep. 3rd, 2014
id 8653335
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Booyah ( member #60124) posted at 3:45 PM on Friday, April 23rd, 2021

Once you know the nature of something don't be surprised when it acts in character.

Not that anyone is surprised by her or her POS dad's actions.

This is what they do!!

Sucks you're having to deal with this right now, but you should be saying "THANK YOU" to God every single day that you didn't marry this narcissistic crazy ass woman and have her dad as your FIL.

You dodged a HUGE nightmare!!!

posts: 1247   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2017
id 8653353
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BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 4:09 PM on Friday, April 23rd, 2021

Put morals and being a decent human to the side. Sucking this much takes some real herculean effort. I think I am far too lazy to be a narcissist. I definitely don't have the wherewithal for this insane level of drama. I really hope OP is indulging in self-care, because he is going to need it. This "lady" is like super-villain levels of batshit, hope she doesn't have enough resources to build a laser to steal the moon, JFC.

Absolon, you seem so reasonable, principled and intelligent. Do not try to appeal to reason, it won't work. Do not try to appeal to her principles -- she has none. Do not engage her at all. This too shall pass, but it is going to be a shit show until it does.

I guess you can rest easy that it looks like you made the right decision not to reconcile, sweet baby jesus that lady is a piece of work. How could she walk around pretending that she was an actual human and not a monster this whole time? These people should come with warning labels.

Me- born in 1984
Him- born in 1979
We both have 2 kids from previous marriages and we share a two year old.
I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.
Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this c

posts: 171   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8653381
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Lalagirl ( member #14576) posted at 4:18 PM on Friday, April 23rd, 2021

May the XF rot due to her lies and petty behavior.

Agreed!

Absolon, did your attorney say whether or not you can counter charge your STBXWW with filing a false DV report? I thought that this had some pretty serious penalties, but as many have said here, only follow your attorney's advice.

Me-56 FWH-58 Married 37 years 9/2/2021 grown daughters-37 & 34 11yo GS,8yo GD&6yo. GD (DD37) and 9yo GD & 4yo GD(DD34). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07 Reconciled! Construction Complete. Astra inclinant, sed non obligant

posts: 8628   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2007
id 8653387
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Westway ( member #71747) posted at 4:50 PM on Friday, April 23rd, 2021

Absalon I'm so sorry and so pissed for you.

Dude I wish you were here in Detroit. I know some people...

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8653413
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ronjs ( member #51741) posted at 5:14 PM on Friday, April 23rd, 2021

Hell hath no more fury, than a woman [and dad], scorned.

It’s revenge. Please learn from this. Sometimes, it’s better to cut your losses and fade quietly into the night.

They play by their rules, they scheme and plot. It’s their level of playing rules, lack of values, not yours.

Document everything!! Record everything!!

BTW, don’t ever trust the MOH - you don’t know whether she is a part of the web, playing the part of a smiling assasin.

Cut all contact with TBW.

I speak from many years of professional, intensive experiences. I know the mindset of these type of people.

As others wisely said previously, also watch out for the man she was cheating with. He has an axe to grind - possibly he has formed an alliance/coalition with the above.

Be guided by your legal counsel.

Take care!

Ron

posts: 55   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2016   ·   location: Australia
id 8653431
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 Absolon (original poster new member #78553) posted at 11:43 PM on Friday, April 23rd, 2021

I am just a poor boy,

Though my story’s seldom told.

I have squandered my resistance

For a pocketful of mumbles –

Such are promises.

All lies and jest:

Still – a man hears what he wants to hear

And disregards the rest.

When I left my home and my family

I was no more than a boy

In the company of strangers,

In the quiet of the railway station –

Running scared.

Laying low, seeking out the poorer quarters

Where the ragged people go,

Looking for the places only they would know.

Asking only workman’s wages,

I come looking for a job;

But I get no offers …

Just a come-on from the whores on Seventh Avenue.

I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome

I took some comfort there.

[Now the years are rolling by me …

They are rocking evenly,

And I am older than I once was

And younger than I’ll be –

That’s not unusual.

No, it isn’t strange:

After changes upon changes,

We are more or less the same;

After changes we are more or less the same.]

Then I’m laying out my winter clothes –

And wishing I was gone …

(Going home –

Where the New York City winters aren’t bleeding me)

Leading me …

Going home.

In the clearing stands a boxer,

And a fighter by his trade,

And he carries the reminders

Of every glove that laid him down

Or cut him, till he cried out:

(In his anger and his shame)

“I am leaving, I am leaving.”

But the fighter still remains.

- ‘The Boxer’, Simon & Garfunkel

posts: 26   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2021
id 8653514
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 4:04 AM on Saturday, April 24th, 2021

That old accusation chestnut 🌰.

Do as your leagal beagle suggests that is why they are paid the big bucks.

Suggest daddy dearest would be in the background. Get some security cameras in and around your home and office. There is no telling what they might be playing at or planning for the future.

Also don’t go cheap on the security get the descent ones that have a battery backup and good picture and sound.

One day at a time

Buffer

posts: 1192   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8653587
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 7:16 PM on Saturday, April 24th, 2021

Well,

Turn your collar towards the cold and damp”

Sound Of Silence-Simon & Garfunkel

That’s apropos to my next thought,

I have a feeling these won’t be DV charges. I’m thinking a Defamation of Character complaint. Maybe they just want to silence you? They’re probably in damage control mode. Reputation is everything to these powerful, connected families. IDK. A DV charge would give you the opportunity to defend yourself upon a relatively public pulpit which, I would think, be the opposite of what they want.

Just be grateful you didn’t marry her, become a trophy househusband, get cheated on, D and collect alimony and half her shit...no wait!

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 1:26 PM, April 24th (Saturday)]

posts: 647   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8653681
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