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perception vs. truth

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HalfTime2017 posted 4/22/2021 19:18 PM

The first rule of SI is to listen to the guidance of the folks on here. And is so for the next 50 rules.

Sorry for the 2X4 Absolon, b/c I think you've handled this really well, save for the 2 instances that most on here guided against. First was for you to take that meeting with the Father in law, second was you writing that note. Again, you handled it well, but even then, you knew those asshole Narcissist were capable of creating drama. There was that other instance we advised you to not protect the WF and to tell your side of the story, but she came back quickly and accused you of abuse. This is a cautionary post for other BS, the advice from the folks here should be taken seriously.

Now, onto your current situation. YOu have a couple of things going for you.

- MOH, if deposed will tell a story that will provide intent and cause for this false accusation from the other side. This will pit MOH against her best friend, but fuck it. Its now a legal proceeding, so you should advise your attorney of the conversation you had with the MOH and have her deposed if it gets there.

- Your WF email about you being abusive should also be forwarded now to your counsel. Any correspondence from the WF saying she was lying or otherwise in text or voicemails will benefit you.

- The wedding party should also be part of the party going forward. Its unfortunately, but they know the details, and they also know how you've treated your WF and can provide positive reinforcements to your defense. They are the closest individuals to both you and the WF, and there is no better witness than those that were to be party to your wedding.

- Ex MIL, you should think about deposing her as well if it gets to that point. Since exFIL is not party to this action, she can be deposed since she will not be enjoying spousal privilege.

- Lastly, stop all communications with OBS. This cannot help your case. This will just muddy the water. You helped her all you can, she can either take the help or continue to be miserable in her M. But don't think that her husband the AP won't have a bone to pick with you. If he has the chance, he very well could be helping the other side to nail your ass.

I'm sorry you now find yourself entangled in another mess. This too shall pass, but the waiting game and expense are definitely not going to be fun.

RealityBlows posted 4/22/2021 20:39 PM

This is where you just listen to your attorney and not a bunch of us coffee table lawyers.

Iíve learned the hard way how cheaters can go from begging for forgiveness, for a second chance, for R, in a pool of snot and tears, swearing their everlasting unconditional love, swearing on their childrenís lives that their betrayal was just a big mistake and not a reflection of their true love for the BS, their soul mate, only to have them turn on you when you walk away. Probably another reason to summarily serve up D papers while considering R and evaluating the WSís qualifications for R. A tool from the 180 tool box that reveals how a WS REALLY feels about you. Seems like the truly remorseful let their BSís off easily, with their love and blessings. They feel bad for what they did and they put the BSís needs before their needs and desires, even when when divorcing.

Iíve always been an advocate for clean breaks. I think we focus too much on manufacturing consequences as if these people have the ability to learn something from their ďmistakesĒ. As if itís our responsibility to teach them a lesson. Just make a clean break and GTFO. No parting shots. No maneuvering the Karma Bus. Only tell who you need to tell. Advise the OBS of the known facts and leave it. No Social Media bombs, public shaming, burning beds, shit dumped in the street, AP punishment, going to APís employers, HR, licensing boards...it all sounds good ďLouisville sluggers to both headlightsĒ but, usually comes back to bite the BS in the ass and adversely affecting outcomes.

Would a lawyer advise a client to do any of this? They usually advise discretion and prudence. They want you to make a clean break without unnecessary acrimony. Without poking the tiger. Many unremorseful WSís are unpredictable and dangerous.

Buster123 posted 4/22/2021 21:54 PM

Like we've mentioned before, carry a VAR at all times and watch your back. Follow your lawyer's advice, I think you have overwhelming evidence to countersue your xWF for false allegations and defamation of character but don't underestimate her POS father, to be honest I think he probably would still eventually have done it regardless of the letter, and frankly sometimes you have to defend your good name and protect your reputation, especially after what she did to you in social media, now you see you dodged not just a bullet but a cannon ball by not getting involved with that toxic family.

False DV/abuse charges are typically dismissed "quickly" due to their very nature and lack of evidence, especially with all the proof you have, but again follow your lawyer's advice and please give us an update when you feel it's safe to do to at least know you're ok, also run it by your lawyer that if need be, if things get even more complicated, that an "accidental" leak to the local media may do the trick for them to back off and leave you alone.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 10:05 PM, April 22nd (Thursday)]

The1stWife posted 4/22/2021 22:02 PM

Iím sorry for you that it has resorted to this.

May the XF rot due to her lies and petty behavior.

I hope the issue is resolved quickly and you can just move on. Away from these people.

BigMammaJamma posted 4/23/2021 07:39 AM

First time I have chimed in on this thread, but I have been following.

I will never understand what she is trying to accomplish here. Trying to get him back? What is all this for? More money? Reputation? What are the motives here?

Why can't she just fuck off into the sunset?

DanielJK posted 4/23/2021 07:50 AM

What BigMammaJamma said.

Is Absolon supposed to now say "OK, wedding is back on if you drop the charges?"

WF gets her reputation back if Absolon just capitulates somehow? Not sure how this helps reputation.

Geez, she destroyed his life enough and now needs to stick it to him even more? WTF?

HouseOfPlane posted 4/23/2021 08:06 AM

This is where you just listen to your attorney and not a bunch of us coffee table lawyers.
Amen

fareast posted 4/23/2021 08:09 AM

ďI will never understand what she is trying to accomplish here. Trying to get him back? What is all this for? More money? Reputation? What are the motives here?Ē

Hereís what this is about: Pure, unadulterated spite. Thatís all.

The1stWife posted 4/23/2021 08:10 AM

Why can't she just fuck off into the sunset?

Great question. People like her ó and her father ó- donít like to lose. And by the wedding being cancelled snd the very polite letter that was sent I believe they both realize that they cannot ďwinĒ. So they turn to vindictive behavior.

True narcissistic behavior IMO

grubs posted 4/23/2021 08:32 AM

Is Absolon supposed to now say "OK, wedding is back on if you drop the charges?"

WF gets her reputation back if Absolon just capitulates somehow? Not sure how this helps reputation.


I spend some time around some of the trust fund crowd. Money no object crowd. Think those who don't bat an eye at spending well into the five figures each to send their kids to private k12 school. Just like all groups of people there's good and bad members. The good ones don't make a habit of wielding their money and power to get their way. They'll do it if they have to but that is not their primary operating mode. Some of them you wouldn't know how much money they have. They also go actively go out of their way to raise their kids to not be entitled.

The problem is the bad ones. They have no problem wielding their money and power like a club to get what they want. It's a game to them. They are seldom denied in what they want. They raise their kids with the same attitude. This is the type of family with which Absolon has tangled. There is no win here for them, outside of maybe spreading a thin veneer of a lie that no one believes that this cluster f*ck is not the fault of the exGfs flaws. The real purpose is to punish Absolon for daring to deny them something they desired.

[This message edited by grubs at 8:32 AM, April 23rd (Friday)]

elKAPPYtan posted 4/23/2021 09:19 AM

Hereís what this is about: Pure, unadulterated spite. Thatís all.

100%. This is her last avenue and chance to hurt you. And hurt you why? because you walked away from her.

Dude, I am so sorry you are going through this.

ramius posted 4/23/2021 09:26 AM

Remember what I said about attention being the currency of narcissists? And how it doesnít matter if itís good or bad attention?

When you already know the neighbors dog is aggressive, donít unnecessarily poke it with a stick.

This serves as a warning to other BS.

Drop any notions of ďclosure.Ē

Booyah posted 4/23/2021 09:45 AM

Once you know the nature of something don't be surprised when it acts in character.

Not that anyone is surprised by her or her POS dad's actions.

This is what they do!!

Sucks you're having to deal with this right now, but you should be saying "THANK YOU" to God every single day that you didn't marry this narcissistic crazy ass woman and have her dad as your FIL.

You dodged a HUGE nightmare!!!

BigMammaJamma posted 4/23/2021 10:09 AM

Put morals and being a decent human to the side. Sucking this much takes some real herculean effort. I think I am far too lazy to be a narcissist. I definitely don't have the wherewithal for this insane level of drama. I really hope OP is indulging in self-care, because he is going to need it. This "lady" is like super-villain levels of batshit, hope she doesn't have enough resources to build a laser to steal the moon, JFC.

Absolon, you seem so reasonable, principled and intelligent. Do not try to appeal to reason, it won't work. Do not try to appeal to her principles -- she has none. Do not engage her at all. This too shall pass, but it is going to be a shit show until it does.

I guess you can rest easy that it looks like you made the right decision not to reconcile, sweet baby jesus that lady is a piece of work. How could she walk around pretending that she was an actual human and not a monster this whole time? These people should come with warning labels.

Lalagirl posted 4/23/2021 10:18 AM

May the XF rot due to her lies and petty behavior.

Agreed!

Absolon, did your attorney say whether or not you can counter charge your STBXWW with filing a false DV report? I thought that this had some pretty serious penalties, but as many have said here, only follow your attorney's advice.

Westway posted 4/23/2021 10:50 AM

Absalon I'm so sorry and so pissed for you.

Dude I wish you were here in Detroit. I know some people...

ronjs posted 4/23/2021 11:14 AM

Hell hath no more fury, than a woman [and dad], scorned.

Itís revenge. Please learn from this. Sometimes, itís better to cut your losses and fade quietly into the night.

They play by their rules, they scheme and plot. Itís their level of playing rules, lack of values, not yours.

Document everything!! Record everything!!

BTW, donít ever trust the MOH - you donít know whether she is a part of the web, playing the part of a smiling assasin.

Cut all contact with TBW.

I speak from many years of professional, intensive experiences. I know the mindset of these type of people.

As others wisely said previously, also watch out for the man she was cheating with. He has an axe to grind - possibly he has formed an alliance/coalition with the above.

Be guided by your legal counsel.

Take care!
Ron

Absolon posted 4/23/2021 17:43 PM

I am just a poor boy,
Though my storyís seldom told.
I have squandered my resistance
For a pocketful of mumbles Ė
Such are promises.
All lies and jest:
Still Ė a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest.

When I left my home and my family
I was no more than a boy
In the company of strangers,
In the quiet of the railway station Ė
Running scared.
Laying low, seeking out the poorer quarters
Where the ragged people go,
Looking for the places only they would know.

Asking only workmanís wages,
I come looking for a job;
But I get no offers Ö
Just a come-on from the whores on Seventh Avenue.
I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome
I took some comfort there.

[Now the years are rolling by me Ö
They are rocking evenly,
And I am older than I once was
And younger than Iíll be Ė
Thatís not unusual.
No, it isnít strange:
After changes upon changes,
We are more or less the same;
After changes we are more or less the same.]

Then Iím laying out my winter clothes Ė
And wishing I was gone Ö
(Going home Ė
Where the New York City winters arenít bleeding me)
Leading me Ö
Going home.

In the clearing stands a boxer,
And a fighter by his trade,
And he carries the reminders
Of every glove that laid him down
Or cut him, till he cried out:
(In his anger and his shame)
ďI am leaving, I am leaving.Ē

But the fighter still remains.

- ĎThe Boxerí, Simon & Garfunkel

Buffer posted 4/23/2021 22:04 PM

That old accusation chestnut 🌰.
Do as your leagal beagle suggests that is why they are paid the big bucks.
Suggest daddy dearest would be in the background. Get some security cameras in and around your home and office. There is no telling what they might be playing at or planning for the future.
Also donít go cheap on the security get the descent ones that have a battery backup and good picture and sound.
One day at a time

RealityBlows posted 4/24/2021 13:16 PM

Well,

Turn your collar towards the cold and dampĒ

Sound Of Silence-Simon & Garfunkel

Thatís apropos to my next thought,

I have a feeling these wonít be DV charges. Iím thinking a Defamation of Character complaint. Maybe they just want to silence you? Theyíre probably in damage control mode. Reputation is everything to these powerful, connected families. IDK. A DV charge would give you the opportunity to defend yourself upon a relatively public pulpit which, I would think, be the opposite of what they want.

Just be grateful you didnít marry her, become a trophy househusband, get cheated on, D and collect alimony and half her shit...no wait!

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 1:26 PM, April 24th (Saturday)]

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