perception vs. truth
I can’t believe I am here. Am not sure where to begin. Sorry in advance for the length of this.
My fiancée and I have been together 5 years; I am in my early 40s and she, in her early 30s. We are set to be married this summer. We remain as in love today as we were in our first few months. We met at work—colleagues in different departments—and a really solid, respectful friendship turned into something more. We have always been really happy: good sex life, no financial concerns, trustful, respectful, open, good communication. A lot of fun with our shared interests; and no mistrust or insecurity when we do our own things, too.
The one thing I suppose I must admit is that she was engaged to someone when we first met at work, and while nothing ever happened between us—I am not a cheater—there were times, if I am being really honest, that I felt she flirted with me inappropriately.
Anyway, this past September, with Covid more under control where we live, we hosted a small dinner party for 3 other couples on a Saturday night. My fiancée, who always loves doing this stuff, was insistent on having set places at the table for everyone. She sat between one of her good female friends and her husband; let’s call him AP (!).
In between courses, while I was going back and forth between the kitchen and while everyone was happily, drunkenly chatting away at the table, I thought I caught the weirdest sight when I glanced back at my wife and AP. I thought I saw them intertwining fingers under the table. I turned away, rubbed my eyes, and when I looked back they weren’t doing that.
But it was one of those moments that … well, it is like if you have ever experienced a break-in, in your house. You come back from work or wherever, and your eyes register the chaos of a break-in but your brain takes seconds or even minutes to catch up and process it all. In fact, part of your brain is saying “This isn’t what it looks like”, or, “You did this, but forgot you left the place like this”. Same with this. But as a result, I basically started becoming way more watchful of her and less feeling like I was on solid ground.
Fast forward to November, and I started noticing something. Some nights, when we are both exhausted, we just enjoy relaxing in front of the TV with both of us on our laptops or phones. She has a billion Facebook friends, so spends a lot of time there when we veg out. But what I noticed starting in November and continuing to present day is that she had positioned herself just ever so slightly, perfectly, away from me so that I couldn’t see her screen. It was subtle. But I don’t think I was imagining it, since before that we have been able to see each other’s screens whenever on the couch together.
Finally in late November, we had a crappy week where we fought quite a bit because she suddenly wanted to bring AP and his wife to our long-planned holiday this January. For one, I don’t like the guy and for another, I just had this creeping sense that something is not right. But because I couldn’t give her great reasons for excluding them, she became frustrated with me. Anyway, fate interceded and because of Covid, etc, we had to cancel the holiday anyway.
Having now read many threads here, I can say that I know I am in a lucky position because we aren’t married, don’t have kids, and I suppose because I have no proof anything is happening. But every one of my intuitive systems are on high alert … maybe not red alert yet … and I am feeling ashamed at the degree to which my emerging obsession about this is taking over my life.
Where I think I require input is straightforward: should I start taking steps to, essentially, spy on her – whether a PI, VAR in car, or (for me: a total boundary violation), trying to get into her various devices? I’ll end this like I began it: I can’t believe I am ‘here’.
470 comments posted: Monday, March 22nd, 2021