I haven't posted in a few days because I moved back home on the 12th! It has been quite an interesting few days. Everything from more drama with my WH to dealing with tarnish memories to purging / cleaning and making the space 'my own'. I guess you could say that I'm trying to settle into what living 'on my own' looks like and trying to figure out what the heck I want in life.
First things first - my WH moved out of the house, but he left SO MUCH STUFF! Clothes, paperwork, his dresser/side table, toiletries, his favorite eagle statue, his military uniform/awards, shoes, etc. He even left his printer from the office, put boxers in my underwear drawer (what!?), and left his wedding ring for me. Nice, right? But, he took my electronic toothbrush for good measure.
It's like he wanted a mechanism to be able to come back and pick up 'xyz' -- have an opportunity to interact.
As I've gone as much 'no contact' as possible, I've been going through each room slowly and purging any of my WH things -- placing them in plastic bag for when he is scheduled to pick up the dogs. I'll leave him a note to say take these with you or I'll dispose of the stuff to goodwill. Plus, I just need everything about him OUT OF THIS HOUSE so I can heal!
Secondly - my WH has given me a lot of grief the past few days -- it's amazing how much control he is trying to maintain after abandoning our marriage, moving out of the house, and having an affair! One example of many emotional manipulations:
He asked me why I didn't move home the night he moved out (I moved back a few days later). When I said that it wasn't of his concern anymore what I did, his response was that when it comes to the dogs, the safety of the house, etc. he deserves to know. So, I countered. "'J' are you going to check in with me every time you leave your apartment? Are you going to let me know who you go out with and what you are doing?" He said "No, of course not". So, I said, "Then why do you expect me to do the same? You want to be alone and single and have your freedom. The great part about this is that I get afforded the same opportunity. Stop concerning yourself with what I do". Man was he pissed! Of course he threw a lot of crap my way about how I'm controlling, everything is always on my schedule, how I never support him, blah, blah, blah ... he even said he hates me and hates my mannerisms and even the sound of my voice. His narcasistic behaviors are just nauseating! Honestly what he is doing is verbal abuse – and I’m tired of it!
Today I was opening mail and opened our Verizon bill. Although, it wasn’t ‘our’ Verizon bill. It was my WHs Verizon bill, with a new phone number, a brand new iPhone, new account number, and everything! Set up approx. two weeks after confrontation on 2Jan. While we agreed to keep some of our bills combined at this time (like our family plan cell phone bill) because it would be less expensive, he bought a new phone … why? Well because he doesn’t want me to know who he is talking to or texting of course. AKA, he has a burner phone to sext with the cam whore girlfriend! He doesn’t know I know about the new phone number, and sadly it isn’t linked to our joint account so I can’t see usage. But, I already know all I need to know -- this is confirmation he’s still in the affair, being secretive, and is still lying. I will assume that his concept of ‘separation’ means ‘single’, and he will continue to do this with her or someone else. He’s just gonna do what he’s gonna do and I have to run like hell in the other direction!
One of the first things I did when getting back home was I played ACDC on my speakers as loud as I could while signing along! I stripped the bed and took scissors to the sheets and bedding and then screamed and yelled while tearing them into the tiniest pieces I could make. The neighbors probably thought I was nuts! But, I couldn't stand the thought of sleeping in those sheets after my WH. And the smell of his body spray and deodorant just made me want to throw up. I threw away the pillows and bed spread too! I cried the whole time, but it was very therapeutic.
Then I decided that I would move all the furniture around in the bedroom to how I wanted it. I moved out the dresser he didn’t take, changed the bedding, removed anything that reminded me of him (pictures, gifts he’s given me), and started making it my space. Felt good to do so! I have a few more things I want to do (like a fresh coat of paint) in the weeks / months to come. I plan to do this in every room – slowly but surely.
Next Monday I have a meeting with the lawyer. Gonna get my ducks in a row and file for a legal separation (and possibly a divorce). I still have a lot of unanswered questions. I’ve asked myself why I have this slight hesitation to not just file for divorce now and the only explanation I have is ‘hopism’ and my eternal optimism. However, everyday I see more and more the manipulation, the gaslighting, the narcissism – and how horribly he’s treated me. I now know for sure that this isn’t what I want in my life, that I’ll never be able to trust him, that this is not ‘fixable’ for me. No matter how much work he does on himself, I won’t be able to forget the affair and what he’s said / done these past 7 weeks. Not only do I not trust him, have no respect for him, and am disgusted by his behavior, I don’t even like him anymore. I deserve so much better! I’m also working on separating bills like our Verizon bill, our car insurance, and any other joint bills (outside of the mortgage), so I don’t have to deal with his finances anymore!
This one day at a time thing is torture! Some days I’m completely heartbroken, some days I’m angry, and other days I’m both at the same time. This trauma is exhausting. But, all I can do is try and stumble along the way and do the best thing for me. It’s tough to think of yourself first when you have dedicated everything to your marriage. And it’s even tougher to let your marriage and your spouse/best friend go.
In addition to my motto of ‘have courage, and be kind’, I’ve added a new one. ‘From this moment on, I refuse to let your actions hurt me.’. I don’t want to spend any more time and energy on someone who doesn’t want me and who thinks this is all ok. I don’t want to let him win. I know I won’t get this right every day, but I sure as hell am going to repeat it to myself EVERY DAY until I believe it!