Newest Member: HeartbrokenWife76

Just Found Out :
Heartbroken ...

default

 Venus1 (original poster member #77144) posted at 7:46 PM on Monday, February 8th, 2021

@The1stWife

Acknowledging he’s not the guy he was - the guy you married - is hard to do but critical. It helps you step back and view the marriage for the reality it is, not the marriage it once was.

This has been SO HARD to do! But, I thought the other day about how if I met my WH today, and he behaved in this manner, would I have gone on a second date? Would I accept a marriage proposal today if he were to ask me and I knew he behaved in this way? The answer is NO! I don't know this person that he has become and don't like this person he's become. I deserve better than how he's treating me.

I realized that I love my WH from 2 years ago -- the kind, generous, loving and supportive husband he was. I don't love this new person because his behaviors don't exhibit what I look for in a significant other. God, how painful to realize that.

I kinda equate my situation to a frog in a pot of water on the stove. If you put a frog into boiling water, it just jumps right out protecting itself from harm. If a frog sits in a pot of water and you slowly heat up the water, the frog slowly boils to death without even knowing it happened.

I've looked back at the last year of our marriage, and I see that I'm the frog slowly heating up to a boil. There were signs that he was changing and not managing his stress / loss well! I hate that I didn't see it then, because I would have stepped in and gotten us MC a year ago. But, I acknowledge that I too was dealing with all the trauma / stress in our life and was in fight or flight mode myself. I remind myself that I didn't step out of our marriage as a coping mechanism like he did. Our marriage has died because of his actions, not because of mine.

What makes me so angry lately is that he tells people that we 'drifted apart the last two years' and that we were both 'so unhappy in our marriage'. Completely re-writing our marriage history. Why do cheaters do that?!

Me: BS (39) Him: WS (40)
13.5 years married, 16 years together
D-day: 1Jan2021 Confronted: 2Jan2021
Currently Separated after confirmation of 'exit affair'
Filed for D May 2021

posts: 114   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2021   ·   location: California
id 8631592
default

EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 7:56 PM on Monday, February 8th, 2021

Venus, I'm just gonna say it plain cus I got a new haircut and I am feeling extra sassy.

Your wh is full of shit. FULL of it. To the gills.

Mine did this shit too - "Poor me. Such unhappy. Much needy. Wow." It took me a bit to get to the place where I said no. Cus of course, like you, I loved him and wanted things to work and wanted to help him.

But if someone is drowning you can't save them if they refuse to take the life jacket you're giving them.

The truth that, you know, ADULTS know is that life ain't cupcakes and unicorn farts. Life sucks. Shit happens. ADULTS get up and keep on keepin on and deal with their crap. Cake-eating asshats expect life and everyone in that life to hand them happiness and cowtow to their 'ineed ineed' crap. Mine did too. But ultimately, him being unhappy in his own dumb head is HIS problem, not mine. I was in the same 'unhappy' marriage and cheating on my spouse never even occurred to me.

You and I have some parallels in our stories. I was married to a war vet too and he pulled the 'poor lost lamb' routine as well. (Aside: mine actually had the unmitigated gall to say part of the reason he had to fall dick-first into his 18 yo twatap was because I 'saw him as broken' and she saw him 'clearly'... Yeah, ya fuckhead, I don't see you as a sparkly unicorn when I have had to clean you up after you shit yourself during a seizure. I actually see you very clearly - and loved your dumbass anyways. But sure, I bet your little twit will definitely be fine doing all that )

You're starting to come around, which is very good. You're starting to take off your pink glasses and look at what's actually there. It suuuuucks, that process. But I promise you it helps in the long term. Taking care of YOU is and absolutely should be your no 1 priority for the foreseeable future. He can either remove his overly large head from his tush or he can bail. Either way - YOU win.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3165   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8631596
default

BigBlueEyes ( member #71441) posted at 8:01 PM on Monday, February 8th, 2021

Wow...just absolute WOW Chamomile...

You my friend are incredible & sooooo on the money, I wish I could high five you right now 🙌🏻

Venus,

Read then REREAD that whole statement again & again if you have to, in fact I would go so far as to say print it out & post it somewhere you will see it multiple times a day!!

I never thought my WH could be manipulative, lie, gaslight or blame me in the way he has since confrontation day. I never thought my WH could have an emotional / physical affair for 2 months either. And he is definitely trying to re-write our marital history. My WH has this perception that we have ‘drifted apart the past 2 years’ (which is what he tells people now when explaining ‘why’), that I’ve been unhappy too, how I’ve been a bad wife, etc. He makes up things that honestly I just didn’t do! It’s like he’s living in this alternate reality and I’m collateral damage.

The sad reality is most of us have also walked in these shoes on our own journeys!

Me- BW, 47
Multi Dday's,
DB A's x 2 BFF
Multi ONS's, Online shit.
Serial cheat, Abuser,
D 18.02.20
Stay strong, just because it’s hard today, doesn’t mean that next week it won’t get easier!!

posts: 674   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: A tiny dot in a big 'ol World
id 8631599
default

BigBlueEyes ( member #71441) posted at 8:15 PM on Monday, February 8th, 2021

What makes me so angry lately is that he tells people that we 'drifted apart the last two years' and that we were both 'so unhappy in our marriage'. Completely re-writing our marriage history. Why do cheaters do that?!

It’s often said here about a “Cheaters manual”

It’s so scary how often the same lines, statements, paragraphs, verbal diarrhoea is said over & over again by cheaters & liars.

Be honest with friends & family, they can read between the lines, more often than not they see through the lies, lean on these people, it’s amazing what people bring to the table when it’s needed.

Be strong & brave hun you deserve so much more

((((Hugs))))

Me- BW, 47
Multi Dday's,
DB A's x 2 BFF
Multi ONS's, Online shit.
Serial cheat, Abuser,
D 18.02.20
Stay strong, just because it’s hard today, doesn’t mean that next week it won’t get easier!!

posts: 674   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2019   ·   location: A tiny dot in a big 'ol World
id 8631603
default

 Venus1 (original poster member #77144) posted at 8:27 PM on Monday, February 8th, 2021

@Freeme

Thanks for the encouragement about my letter. I wanted to be direct and honest about how I’m feeling, without committing to an R or D or even being friends. I wanted him to know that he is the one who screwed up, not me, and he needs to do some soul searching before even trying to ‘earn’ me. And in 6 months when he gets his head out of his @ss, I more than likely won’t be there because I will be stronger and know that this isn’t what I want in my life anymore.

As to your questions:

• My husband FINALLY got his apartment on Saturday. I won’t lie … major emotional upheaval for me since it becomes ‘real’ so to speak. He will be moving out sometime this week (I asked for him to be out by the 14th), but I don’t have an actual date for the move. This will be the big first step to being able to go NC as much as possible.

It will be great to get home and settled and in my own routine – figure out what living on my own looks like for me since I haven’t done it in 17 years! I plan to torch the bed sheets and bedspread and get new ones -- the thought of sleeping in the same sheets as him right now makes me sick to my stomach. And I plan to make the space my own by changing things up over the next few months. Maybe turning his old office into my own home gym or repainting my bedroom!

I worry about all the memories I'll have to work through being at the house. But, I'll do it one day at a time and focus on myself and healing from this major trauma. Some days will be better than others I'm sure.

• Financially we agreed to the majority of how things need to be paid and we have split our savings / gotten our own checking accounts to pay for individual bills. Just changed my direct deposit at work, which will be implemented next pay period. Bills are paid through end-Feb, so we have time to work out the stuff that is still pending agreement.

• We also agreed to a temporary schedule for our dogs (we don’t have kids, so they are our kids). I will have them Mon-Thurs and he will have them Fri-Sun through the end of the month, but I’m pushing for alternating weeks starting in March. This is better for two reasons; (1) we only have a single day of exchange of the dogs (less contact), and (2) he wants to be alone / single, then be 50% responsible for the dogs and when you have them take responsibility for them. Don’t come to me when you have a work trip planned and you need a dog sitter! Unless he wants to give them up fully and I’ll take primary responsibility.

This sounds weird, but him moving out sort of makes the whole ‘he abandoned our marriage and me’ official. I’ve lived in a temporary situation staying at my parents house and so it’ hasn’t seemed ‘real’ yet. If he's out of the house, and I'm there, I'll really be able to deal with the trauma that is him abandoning me and our marriage. It will be painful as hell, but I think it will make me stronger to implement as much NC as possible and doing a more hard 180.

@SofarSogood

People like your WH are not content with what they have, but also soon realize what they've chosen has become mundane. They will never be satisfied.

God, I’m seeing this so clearly the past few days! I know that if he doesn’t fix what is broken in him, he won’t ever be happy. And this will just bring me down with him in the long run. I’ve tried to tell him this, but he’s not open to hearing ANYTHING at the moment. When this fantasy wears off, he’ll be right back where he started. Unhappy.

Me: BS (39) Him: WS (40)
13.5 years married, 16 years together
D-day: 1Jan2021 Confronted: 2Jan2021
Currently Separated after confirmation of 'exit affair'
Filed for D May 2021

posts: 114   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2021   ·   location: California
id 8631610
default

 Venus1 (original poster member #77144) posted at 8:40 PM on Monday, February 8th, 2021

@EllieKMAS

WOW, lots of parallels between our stories! You can totally relate to the fact that when he says 'you've never supported me', I'm sitting here thinking 'I supported you through 4 deployments and PTSD recovery you jack@ss!" Military wives do more than support their military spouses and it's infuriating that he has forgotten that.

I also think that military men especially have this arrogance about them during and following their service. The military brainwashes them into thinking they are invincible and it turns them into narcissists on the backend more often than not. I've been questioning if his behaviors are just coming out to play now, but have been there all along to a certain extent.

But if someone is drowning you can't save them if they refuse to take the life jacket you're giving them.

I am a caretaker and a giver. I acknowledge that I like to fix things and help people when they are hurting. But, this rings SO true for me right now.

Why should I drown with you when I've done everything to try and rescue you already. My WH is so far down the rabbit hole I don't think he knows what way is up right now! He's LOST ... and confused ... and it's so sad!

[This message edited by Venus1 at 2:40 PM, February 8th (Monday)]

Me: BS (39) Him: WS (40)
13.5 years married, 16 years together
D-day: 1Jan2021 Confronted: 2Jan2021
Currently Separated after confirmation of 'exit affair'
Filed for D May 2021

posts: 114   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2021   ·   location: California
id 8631614
default

EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 8:49 PM on Monday, February 8th, 2021

I've been questioning if his behaviors are just coming out to play now, but have been there all along to a certain extent.

Ooooh I get this. I did the same questioning during my months of false R.

The more I looked at that, the more I realized that most of the characteristics that led to his cheating were definitely there the whole time - but I chose to ignore the red flags for a long time. But once I started seeing them, I couldn't unsee them anymore. It was painful, but also key to my healing.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3165   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8631617
default

Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 9:09 PM on Monday, February 8th, 2021

You sound like you are really getting a grip on everything so I hate to add one more thing to your to do list but... you've got to tell the OBS what's going on in his marriage.

You know what you've been mentally dealing with since November, I'm sure he is facing similar issues, questions on why his marriage isn't "working"...

- STD, Covid, emotional abuse... His WW is putting his life in danger.

You angry about you husband not giving you any choice in the matter. Basically he asked you in November for an open marriage you said no so he went ahead and had one anyway... that's what his WW is probably doing.

I understand if you want to wait until he has moved out on Feb. 13th but you really need to let the OBS know what's going on. Please do not even hint to your WH that you are doing this before hand.

What makes me so angry lately is that he tells people that we 'drifted apart the last two years' and that we were both 'so unhappy in our marriage'. Completely re-writing our marriage history. Why do cheaters do that?!

Also don't worry too much about this. Your SIL was sent nude pictures of him?!? People might nod their heads but they probably don't totally believe his stories.

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8631624
default

 Venus1 (original poster member #77144) posted at 9:54 PM on Monday, February 8th, 2021

@ChamomileTea

WOW! Like @BigBlueEyes said, can we be friends!?

Your response was very powerful. I think I need to print it and read it EVERY SINGLE DAY to remind me that my WHs words, without behavior change, are meaningless and serve me no purpose.

You know, I struggle with my mind and heart telling me different things. And I’m always looking for the good in my WH, because there used to be so much there! Again, my mind knowing that he is being a total @ss and I don’t know the person he’s become, but my heart still hoping that he’ll wake up and this will all be a dream. Hopism – haven’t been able to shake it yet!

This claim to "unhappiness" is so ubiquitous that we have a NAME for it... "rewriting the marital history". And most cheaters do it. They can't abide the thought that they are singularly responsible for their own choice to cross those boundaries. They need to think that someone made them do it, otherwise, they have to admit to themselves that there's something seriously WRONG with them and their world view.

It makes me sick that he is doing this right now! He's trying to erase and trying to change what the last 16 years meant to me as a mechanism to validate his own selfish behaviors. He’s so deep in the fog that he feels justified to do it! and he can't admit that there is something seriously wrong with himself. He wants to re-write history to make himself feel better, not because it's true or has any validity to it. It actually is disgusting for my WH to treat me this way.

Like you said, he chose to have an affair and enjoyed the flattery, the newness, the excitement, and he kept going back because it felt validating for his shortcomings in himself. I love how you said it’s not love but a “bio-cocktail of feel-good adrenals and hormones”. You hit the nail on the head with that one.

This is a guy who makes OTHER PEOPLE responsible for his happiness. He is NOT self-fruitful in matters of contentment. And when OW's kibble supply deteriorates, he'll look for another. But don't think for a minute that if kibble supply starts running low, he won't circle back to you. He will. He's like a child who can't entertain himself.

I feel so taken advantage of, feel so taken for granted. I’ve seen that the first 14 years of our marriage he wasn’t like this. He was content with who he was and proud of who he was. But, the past 2 years (and the impact all these life events had on him), he now seeks happiness outwardly. He is so broken inside that he can’t see that. That if he continues down this path, he will never be happy, and an AP won't help in the long-run, only have an instant gratification type of relief that will fade in time.

God, him getting his own apartment has really hit me hard today! Makes the abandonment real, not that it wasn't real before! I'm gonna use a metaphor here, but he's thrown me out like a piece of trash. I'm expendable to him. How bad does that suck!?

Me: BS (39) Him: WS (40)
13.5 years married, 16 years together
D-day: 1Jan2021 Confronted: 2Jan2021
Currently Separated after confirmation of 'exit affair'
Filed for D May 2021

posts: 114   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2021   ·   location: California
id 8631642
default

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:14 PM on Monday, February 8th, 2021

The catch 22 of affairs is that the cheater is telling themselves they are unhappy so they have a “reason” to cheat and then it’s the fault of the betrayed that they were sooooo unhappy.

Please don’t expect liars and cheaters to accept ANY responsibility for their choice to cheat. That’s why they re-write the marriage.

Honestly I believe the cheater only becomes unhappy when they meet the AP. Before that they were perfectly happy.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:38 PM, February 8th (Monday)]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10686   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8631646
default

 Venus1 (original poster member #77144) posted at 12:20 AM on Tuesday, February 9th, 2021

@The1stWife

Honestly I believe the cheater becomes unhappy when they meet the AP. Before that they were perfectly happy.

This would completely explain why I'm so blindsided by all of this!

My WH says he has told me he is unhappy in our marriage 'many times' the past few years, and that I just haven't listened to what he said. It's total crap! I am smart enough and mature enough to have picked up on a comment like that. And I would have done something about it.

I think my WH was stressed out, was hating his job, and not dealing with some issues, yes. But, unhappy in his marriage, no. He was very happy to have me around to take care of things, hell we were talking about moving and adopting a baby. Making plans for your life doesn't equal someone who is unhappy!

But, to relieve some of that stress, he went looking for a distraction from life, joined the website, flirted with the AP, and when the newness / excitement / attention / praise stated with the AP, he started living in a fantasy world and projected that expectation on to our real life. Therefore, UNHAPPY!

Ugh

Me: BS (39) Him: WS (40)
13.5 years married, 16 years together
D-day: 1Jan2021 Confronted: 2Jan2021
Currently Separated after confirmation of 'exit affair'
Filed for D May 2021

posts: 114   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2021   ·   location: California
id 8631672
default

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:49 AM on Tuesday, February 9th, 2021

VENUS1.

We understand you here at SI. We’ve been down that road. Blindsided. Caught off guard. Reality check needed.

We hate to be “right“ about things but it is better to be aware of the reality of your marriage as opposed to hoping things will change or get better when all the signs point to the fact they won’t.

Please know there is nothing you could have done (or not done) to prevent the affair. And if it wasn’t the current OW there sound have been another to take her place.

He just found someone to cheat on you with - but it could have been almost anyone willing to be the OW.

Stay strong. Nothing you do or don’t do will change his decisions or choice to cheat.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10686   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8631681
default

ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 7:08 AM on Tuesday, February 9th, 2021

He’s so deep in the fog that he feels justified to do it!

Let's talk about "the fog" for a minute. Yes, I do believe cheaters become "foggy" in their logic, caught up in their fantasy and obstinate in their resistance to reality. Further, I believe they're capable of snapping out of it, sometimes suddenly and with no real understanding of what the hell they were thinking at the time. But there's a hidden trap in relying too heavily on "the fog" as an explanation for the sudden change. We can fall into an empathetic visualization of our WS, lost in the dark, surrounded by impenetrable fog, and needing our help. "The fog" begs us for sympathy, for caring, for patience at a time when we can LEAST afford to exercise such.

Your WH wasn't "foggy" when he sat down and searched for that website. He wasn't "foggy" when he opened the first chat window. He wasn't "foggy" until after he met an AP and decided she was so much MORE than just another dime-a-dozen cam whore. It wasn't until he started participating in the fantasy and until he had become emotionally addicted to the biochemical cocktail that he became "foggy".

This was what I didn't understand sixteen years ago when I was in your shoes. We've been married for thirty-seven years now, and six years ago I caught my WH on a Craigslist binge lasting nine months featuring multiple OWs and various degrees of emotional entanglement. But ten years prior to that, I caught him out on interactive porn and only two weeks away from meeting up with a cam whore he believed he was in love with. He had his trip planned and believed I was still in the dark.

The day I busted him, I saw an attorney first, then called him home, tossed his messages and his dick pics down in front of him... and told him I wanted a divorce. BAM! Fantasy bubble popped. Reality slammed home. Fog cleared. He freaked. He understood in a single second that he was going to lose everything; his wife, his family dynamic, the respect of extended family and friends, half his worldly goods, etc.

What shocked me was that this was such a departure from the man I thought I knew. I was actually afraid of him in those moments of confrontation. Not because he was a threatening sight, crying and huddled as he was. But because I DIDN'T KNOW THIS GUY. I kept my car keys in my hand and my body between him and the door in case I needed to run for it. Later, like almost every other BS, I started looking for answers, in books and online. Mostly what I kept finding was pop-psy based on "unmet needs" and "midlife crisis" and how people could become unhappy enough to do these bizarre things. I discovered how the biochemical cocktail worked, saw it in action as I asked him to show me the websites, saw the electric vibration in his hands as he tapped the keys and the dilation of his pupils as he took in the screen. And I allowed my empathy to rule the day. I bought into the "unmet needs" jargon of pop-psy shysters. Upped my wife game, became a soft place for my WH to land, the soul of support. For his part, he saw the doctor, popped some Lexapro for about six months, and within four years was out searching for pussy again.

Because it was never about being "unhappy". It was never about "unmet needs" or a crisis in the midlife. Cheaters cheat because there's NOTHING in their character stopping them. There's a gap between their stated values, like fidelity and honesty, and their actual deeds, cheating and lies. There's a "but..." in their values system. ie. "I believe in fidelity, but... not if I'm unhappy.". For normal people, we surround our truest beliefs and virtues with a ring of boundaries. ie. "I believe in fidelity, so... I don't put myself in compromising positions with the opposite sex." Our values don't have a "but...". They have a "so..." which represent the boundaries we've erected dictating our behavior and protecting our core beliefs.

I know I've traveled a pretty long way, but here's the point... Your WH's fog is NOT the cause. It's just a symptom. The cause is his flawed character, a character with weak and permeable core values and no boundaries surrounding them. And unless he's had a brain injury we don't know about, this was ALWAYS who he was at his core. You just didn't see it. Neither did I.

We don't cause this. Nothing we do (or fail to do) can cause another person to suddenly abandon their own core beliefs. We don't have that kind of power. The beliefs weren't really there. They were lip-service, given from the kind of person who blends in but who is never really fully vulnerable and fully known. These kind of people always hold something back, but it's not until some kind of crisis, like adultery, that the facade is challenged and the flaw becomes visible.

Sweetie, he's not "broken". "Broken" assumes that he was whole before and now he's shattered. That's not what's happening here. His behavior has caused that carefully kept facade to slip. His lack of integrity is on full display, but this isn't a recent loss. His integrity has ALWAYS been lacking. We don't see that until the crisis when they can't keep up the facade of normalcy anymore. He does not share your values and he never truly has. People who BELIEVE in their own core values cannot be shaken from them. If you really believe in fidelity, you can't be MADE to cheat. And you certainly don't go looking for it.

This isn't a change... it's a revelation. He has revealed himself, and he's miserable because the facade has failed. He's exposed now.

Sixteen years ago, I didn't understand these things. My empathy got the better of me. I believed that my WH's behavior was an aberration, not a revelation. And ten years later, he was out on a binge, fucking things that would make most men barf at the thought and featuring himself to be "in love". THAT is where unearned empathy lands us.

Save your empathy for someone who can be helped by it... YOU. Even if your WS does make it "out of the fog", it's still not enough. People can (and sometimes do) remediate their flawed character, but they've got to see it and want it. These are the truly remorseful ones, broken not by confusion or lust, but by the reflection of their own true selves in the mirror. These are people who will do ANYTHING to stop being that pathetic creature who uses others as narcissistic "supply", people who WANT the core values they've always pretended to have.

I'm sorry I can't give you more hope. But the hope you're still clinging to is actually hurting rather than helping you. Like you, I had many good years with my WH before the cheating. We had our ups and downs but I chalked that up to everyday life. Like you, I thought his character was solid... until I had evidence in hand that it wasn't. I was completely blindsided by the idea that he was even capable of cheating. I thought I knew him. But when I sat back and looked at him dispassionately, clinically, with all the evidence on the table, I could no longer deny that this was who he REALLY was and who he had always been. That capacity for true deceit had laid dormant for two decades, but it was always there. I just hadn't understood what it meant. It was there in his need for attention, his overly friendly demeanor with women, his grievances at authority, his tendency to exaggerate, his inability to resolve conflict, and in so many other ways. All these frailties of the ego which made him dependent on others for validation were things I had always found endearing. And there's my codependency showing

He gave me purpose. I intuitively filled those gaps for him with understanding, emotional support, and a pretty much endless kibble supply.

There comes a point though, where our old and familiar kibbles aren't as tasty, where our external validation is no better than getting it from your mom. This kind of psychology cannot be filled. It's not self-fruitful. It does not understand that it is faulty.

There's NOTHING you can do to fix that. The only one capable of repair is the WS himself, and as I said earlier, he has to see it and want it more than anything else in life.

I'm sorry, truly I am. You are obviously a very sweet and kind soul. But the only thing which snaps through the fog is Reality. And even that is not enough. The WS needs to make real changes... and many do not.

((hugs))

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 1:09 AM, February 9th (Tuesday)]

posts: 4569   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8631724
default

Hedwig ( member #74175) posted at 8:55 PM on Wednesday, February 10th, 2021

@ChamomileTea: I wish I could like a post, I would definitely like yours. Thank you for sharing. The flawed character and the bit about cheaters not really having values or boundaries to uphold those values rings very true to me. In hindsight the red flags are there.

Dday - 10/2018
Caught them, EMDR helped
Ended the relationship after false R for 1,5 years

posts: 263   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2020
id 8632217
default

 Venus1 (original poster member #77144) posted at 10:48 PM on Wednesday, February 10th, 2021

@ChamomileTea & @The1stWife – seriously, we need to be friends. LOL

So much of what you guys have said is true and I know it in my mind. My damn heart just hasn’t caught up yet! It’s so frustrating to not be in sync with myself.

Because it was never about being "unhappy". It was never about "unmet needs" or a crisis in the midlife. Cheaters cheat because there's NOTHING in their character stopping them. There's a gap between their stated values, like fidelity and honesty, and their actual deeds, cheating and lies. There's a "but..." in their values system. ie. "I believe in fidelity, but... not if I'm unhappy.". For normal people, we surround our truest beliefs and virtues with a ring of boundaries. ie. "I believe in fidelity, so... I don't put myself in compromising positions with the opposite sex." Our values don't have a "but...". They have a "so..." which represent the boundaries we've erected dictating our behavior and protecting our core beliefs.

This rings SO TRUE for me right now! My WH says one thing, yet has acted completely the opposite. He says stuff like ‘I felt guilty, but…I connected with her’ or ‘I’m sorry, but…I’ve been so unhappy’ or ‘I’m in a hard place right now and can’t and don’t want to explain it, but…be patient with me and I will one day’. It’s ALWAYS the ‘but’! I know in my head that there is something broken in him and that he lacks character to have done this. My heart is just breaking though. But, I’ve been through a lot of stress myself the past two years (and similar stressors as J), but I didn’t go screw another man. I have character and have a lot of ‘so’ in my vocabulary.

I thought I knew him. But when I sat back and looked at him dispassionately, clinically, with all the evidence on the table, I could no longer deny that this was who he REALLY was and who he had always been. That capacity for true deceit had laid dormant for two decades, but it was always there. I just hadn't understood what it meant.

Another thing that rings TRUE for me right now! I’m seeing my WH in a totally different light right now. Seeing some things that have always been there, I just didn’t see the red flags or maybe ignored them because of my dependence on him.

What makes me so angry is that this is just WRONG on so many levels. I can barely wrap my mind around it, let alone my heart. I too am blindsided by the idea that he was even capable of the affair, let alone the blaming, gaslighting, etc. It makes me question my sanity for picking him to be with in the first place! And I’m realizing that my WH needs to make some serious changes and improvements in himself for me to even consider thinking about an R. Two months ago we were planning a future, now I'm thinking a D may be the best thing for me.

The abandonment is so REAL for me right now! Yesterday I kept seeing the ring doorbell notifications of him moving his stuff out. He and his friend were fairly jovial which just broke me up in side. I know it will get better with time but it’s like he died, but he’s just walking around still living his life. He has no idea what damage hes done to me, our relationship, etc.

I don’t know how to explain it, but him moving out just affirms some of the things that I’ve been thinking the past few weeks. It makes everything official somehow. He had an affair, he abandoned our marriage, he left me, and doesn’t care enough about what he’s done or how it’s impacted me to take responsibility. I knew all that before, but his actually moving out to live his single life just solidifies it.

The truth is that I’m disgusted with him! And that isn’t even a strong enough word to describe how I feel.

Me: BS (39) Him: WS (40)
13.5 years married, 16 years together
D-day: 1Jan2021 Confronted: 2Jan2021
Currently Separated after confirmation of 'exit affair'
Filed for D May 2021

posts: 114   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2021   ·   location: California
id 8632259
default

 Venus1 (original poster member #77144) posted at 10:49 PM on Wednesday, February 10th, 2021

@ChamomileTeam - out of curiosity, are you D from your WH after D-day 2?

Me: BS (39) Him: WS (40)
13.5 years married, 16 years together
D-day: 1Jan2021 Confronted: 2Jan2021
Currently Separated after confirmation of 'exit affair'
Filed for D May 2021

posts: 114   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2021   ·   location: California
id 8632260
default

EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 11:16 PM on Wednesday, February 10th, 2021

If you really believe in fidelity, you can't be MADE to cheat. And you certainly don't go looking for it.

I will also add - "And you would never go there even if the opportunity presented itself. Cheating is never a choice you would make."

But when I sat back and looked at him dispassionately, clinically, with all the evidence on the table, I could no longer deny that this was who he REALLY was and who he had always been. That capacity for true deceit had laid dormant for two decades, but it was always there. I just hadn't understood what it meant. It was there in his need for attention, his overly friendly demeanor with women, his grievances at authority, his tendency to exaggerate, his inability to resolve conflict, and in so many other ways. All these frailties of the ego which made him dependent on others for validation were things I had always found endearing. And there's my codependency showing.

This my xdouche to a tee.

Venus, I remember my early days on SI and some of the truths ChamomileTea slapped me upside my stubborn head with. To be completely honest, I didn't always find her words comfortable to hear. Sometimes they irritated me. Back then I wasn't ready to really SEE. Once those rosy glasses came off though... Wow. The level of self-delusion I was in to avoid facing what I was really dealing with was pretty fucking shocking. Even as hard as that was, it was when I really started seeing who he actually was that I was able to stand up, put on my bitch boots, and morph into the fabulous sparkly sasspot that stands here today. I credit a lot of my SI peeps (lookin at YOU CT and DevastatedDee) for giving me the loving ass-kickings I needed to put me firmly on the path out of infidelity. I am so thankful to have their wisdom in my pocket when I need it.

CT is, as ever, 1000% correct. Print out her responses on this thread and read them. Then read them again. Then re-read them.

Taking off those rosy lenses hurts. Boy does it hurt. But I promise you it helps get you moving out of infidelity. And whether that means staying or divorcing, getting out of it is worth any amount of discomfort.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3165   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8632266
default

ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 12:29 AM on Thursday, February 11th, 2021

@ChamomileTeam - out of curiosity, are you D from your WH after D-day 2?

No. We're still married. On DDay when I confronted him, I told him in no uncertain terms that we were divorcing, that he could split the banking and I'd find us a lawyer. I didn't want to hear the details or listen to his excuses. I just walked off and left him on his own. At the time, he featured himself to be in love with the latest of the OW, so he scurried off to furtively text her. I was doing the 180 without even knowing it, when a week later he came to me asking for time, thirty days to prove he could be trustworthy. So, I agreed. It had been thirty years after all. I could wait thirty days provided that there would be no contact with OW.

Of course, it wasn't two weeks before I caught him breaking NC. He was trying the old "let her down gently" routine, so worried that some skank he met on Craigslist would think badly of him. (for real it boggles the mind) Anyway, he had about thirty seconds when I found out to decide if he was "all in" or "all out". I wasn't playing. It wasn't a tactic. I was DONE. He must've seen blood in my eye too, because he knew it. He ghosted the OW from that moment on and became a model WS pulling out all the stops to repair the marriage.

Now, that's not to say things are perfect today. For the last year or so, we've been having a go-round about communications and emotional connection. He did do enough work that I was satisfied with R for the first four years, but I'm not as confident that he's dug deep into his character as I used to be. We'll see whether he continues to make progress or not.

All in all though, yes... it's possible for the WS to pull their heads from their hindquarters and do well. But there's no indication at all that your WS has any interest in recovery. He's giving you confusing words, but his actions tell the story. I think my WH might have said his was an "exit affair", but the underlying truth of his actions was that he was willing to do ANYTHING to stay, including giving up the OW, including changing jobs, moving out of state, getting rid of triggers, and whatever else I might have wanted. He's bought me a new car, took me on romantic vacations, and even while we're having this fairly significant showdown regarding communications, if I say I want something, I'll have it in my hand within 24 hours.

I think your situation really is more like what EllieKMas experienced. And if so, she really is our sassy, sparkly, SI poster-girl for how much you can potentially GAIN from putting an unrepentant cheater out of your life. You have nothing to fear by dropping the goddam house on him like he was the Wicked Witch of the East, shock and awe style. What's he gonna do?.. leave? He left already. File the papers. Take more than what's fair. Tell your mutual friends and the baristas at your local Starbucks what kind of perverted cheater he IS. And when he complains, tell him to zip his big fat lie hole. You don't need to hear anything from him that's not "I am so sorry and I'll do anything to make it right". What is it that you've got to lose at this point that's not ALREADY lost?

((big hugs))

posts: 4569   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8632277
default

SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 12:31 PM on Thursday, February 11th, 2021

Hi OP.

Your husband sounds like he has squirrels running around in his head.

I hope you can take some comfort in this... I've read all your posts, and what struck me is just how typical your husband was and is reacting. He was unhappy, mid life crisis, one email to you he hates you and the next one he loves you, rewriting the marriage, needed to find himself, you were suddenly a bad wife, emotional connection to his tawdry affair partner.... all right out of the Cheater's Handbook.

All the advice you're receiving - follow it. It's sound advice for helping you to get out of infidelity.

Courage, and don't put up with any shit. You're doing very well considering what a mess you've landed in.

Sorry to be crude, but get this asshole out of your life.

One last thing, I may have missed it, but I don't believe you've contacted the spouse of the AP. You really should. Of course it's the right thing and kind to do for the AP's husband, but even more so pour some acid on that bitch's life.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 3:26 PM, February 11th (Thursday)]

posts: 358   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8632341
default

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:45 PM on Thursday, February 11th, 2021

He had an affair, he abandoned our marriage, he left me, and doesn’t care enough about what he’s done or how it’s impacted me to take responsibility.

This is painful. I hope you can recover and heal.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10686   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8632342
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20211015 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy