Dose of reality for WH
Tuesday my WH confirmed that he wanted to be alone to 'do his own thing' and to 'figure out what else is out there' for awhile. That right now what he really wants is to separate. So, we agreed to meet up this afternoon to discuss the logistics of the separation and his moving out of the house.
I spent the past four days going through finances, writing down what I thought was 'fair', and even highlighted options, thinking of course that we could have an adult conversation about it and make some compromises. I pulled a spreadsheet together showing what the finances looked like as well and tried splitting things as close to 50/50 as possible. But, my 3 year old husband showed up and had a temper tantrum the whole conversation.
I started sharing what my expectations of the separation are, ie, we take the next 6 months to go to IC and figure out what we individually want, keep honest/transparent/respectful communication (since he's been blaming and so cruel since confrontation), and he end the affair and not be on the website he met the OW on. He agreed, but made the comment that he just doesn't want me 'tracking his every move'. I clarified that we should talk about what transparent means at a later time, but these were non-negotiable.
I then changed the subject and said I wanted him to be out of the house by 13Feb before he leaves for yet another 8 day trip out of state for work (same place as the OW). That he's put me in a position where I can't come home and it's been 4 weeks since he's confronted me and asked for a separation, but hasn't done anything about it. I also specified that he needed to move all of his stuff (eg, not just his clothes / toiletries, but his office, the garage stuff, etc.). He has a side business, so the office / garage piece is pretty big, but I let him know that I need a safe place to heal from all this trauma.
He got so angry at me for asking him to move everything and to move out in 2 weeks. He said 'I should be able to come here on the weekends and work in the garage'. When told him no, he said 'if you make me move the garage stuff out, you will cost me my business, but I guess that is ok with you because you never supported me or my business anyway'. Can you say 'holly blame game Batman'! I told him he could rent a place with a garage and transport his stuff over there, and that's when he countered with 'I can't afford it. And if I move my things out of here, I'm never coming back'.
I then brought up my thoughts about how to share the dogs between our places, how we should get separate bank accounts to manage individual finances and maintain a joint account for joint bills (eg, car insurance payments, cell bill, etc.), that the business expenses should be maintained by him, and I pulled up my spreadsheet. The spreadsheet included a suggestion to split our disposable savings 50/50 to support the financial burden, any tax refunds we get we split 50/50 to support the financial burden, etc. When he saw the numbers, he flipped out and told me 'oh so now you are going to financially break me too, huh? that's so kind of you to do that! maybe I'll get a lawyer and take you to the cleaners.' I make more than him, so this is a real concern. But, the difference between what we both would contribute was only an $800 difference, pretty 'kind' of me given the circumstances.
He started yelling and told me that he wants to give me, the dogs, the house, my family all up so he can just move and start fresh. That he can't stand to look at me because I'm such a horrible person. That I'm impossible to talk to or reason with. Can you say 'deflection' much? Of course I told him if what would make him happy is to move out of state and give everything up, then he should. Then he proceeded to take off his wedding ring, slam it on the dining room table (putting a dent into the oak), before throwing it across the room and saying 'f*** you'. and then he says, 'you know, I've lost my brother because of you, so thanks for that too.' His brother and sister found out about what happened, and I guess his brother called him on it over a phone conversation they had last night.
I am incredibly proud of myself for not being a doormat anymore and communicating clearly what my expectations are. That I took control back and let him know that what he's done to break our marriage is unacceptable and I won't allow him to treat me how he's been treating me. That this is what he wanted, so he needed to suck it up a little and figure it out.
I think he was shocked ...
when I was in the car driving away, I had the realization that he is so lost and conflicted internally that he can't even see clearly. That he's broken, and expecting me to be there to catch him. That he very likely feeling ashamed and every time he sees or talks to me, he feels like shit. That he hasn't accepted responsibility whatsoever for his behaviors, because he kept blaming, blaming, blaming.
This 'dose of reality' really shook him to the core today. And I do worry about how he's doing after I left. But, I think he might actually see the consequences of his actions now.
Why couldn't he have just come clean, been truly remorseful, started being honest, etc. after confrontation? I sort of feel that affairs don't always ruin marriages, it is the behaviors following confrontation that does. And he's been mean, blaming, not accepting responsibility, continuing contact with the OW, etc. Friggin' affair fog! Ugh.
But what a waste -- so many marriages ending this way because the WH can't accept responsibility!