He deserves the karma smackdown coming his way. WTH does he think Cam Girl with Husband is a long term prospect for anything but getting used as a ATM.
@grubs - He definitely deserves the karma smackdown coming his way. And when he realizes that he has thrown his whole life away, I'm not gonna be there to support or even listen to it. No more pity party! I even told him if he wants to go live with his cam gf and her husband to have at it because I don't want to be held hostage by him anymore. That the rose colored glasses will come off eventually and he'll see her ugly @ss for who she is --- a lying, cheating, manipulative, evil fake porn star, with no make-up and ugly pajamas.
Agree with needing to stop responding to all messages. Finishing up taxes and emails regarding the dogs are the only messages worth responding to moving forward. He's pretty pissed he can't control 'talking on the phone or in person' anymore. But, why subject myself to any further trauma or mistreatment?
I love your happiness rant to him. Spot on. No one else can make you happy. It comes from within. You nailed it.
@The1stWife - it felt so good to write this! He said on confrontation day that he felt justified in having an affair because he was so 'unhappy' the past year. I knew since then it was a cop out and that he wasn't unhappy with me, he was unhappy with himself. He thinks that he'll find happiness in someone else, when in fact he will carry this unhappiness with him everywhere he goes until he deals with his sh!t.
I couldn't be prouder of you if you'd kicked him in the crotch.
And you're exactly right too. Happiness comes from within, not from inside a cam whore's crusty underpants.
@ChamomileTea - This seriously made my afternoon. Crusty underpants!
You provide no drama, no kibbles, nothing interesting at all. Sometimes narcs get mean on the discard, so it protects you from his rages, but the byproduct of doing it is that it gets your "meh" started. You're faking the "meh" long before you're actually making it, and that's okay.
This guy has proved beyond any shadow of doubt that he's no longer someone who deserves access to your inner feelings and thoughts.
@ChamomileTea & @Bonetired - I'll definitely look up 'gray rock' and try this tactic out a bit. I figure I'm faking it until I make it right now, so I can fake 'meh' too until I actually make it.
But, you are right, I realized this week that my WH is no longer someone who deserves someone like me. I have been supportive, loving, caring, etc. and he took my heart and soul and threw it away. I'm doing a lot of research on narc tendencies right now, so I'll keep looking into how to manage that behavior. I do want to protect myself because I appreciate how fragile my emotions still are and how much work I need to do individually to heal.
I know what he's done is convinced you and himself that you are unlovable. So not true. I sometimes feel like I am waging a war against the destructiveness despite the fact it has been years ago.
@Bonetired - I have to say I do feel this way still! Something I'm trying to address in IC. His behaviors and his affair hit my self-esteem and self-love down about 50 notches! You really feel unlovable, not good enough, not sexy, etc. Completely messes with your mind! I've never been the type of person to look myself in the mirror and say 'damn girl, you look sexy' or 'damn girl, you look ugly', but these past three months I've definitely looked in the mirror and said 'yea, no wonder he cheated on you'. The inner critic is my worst enemy right now!
I am amazed at how well you have handled this situation....I have a hunch he is going to start running into $$ problems soon enough.... He seems to have swapped a wonderful life for something so doomed. Married Cam-girl...internet hook-ups during a panademic...I was going to push for you to tell the OBS but if you are headed for divorce you should keep him in the affair fog while the papers are drawn up.
@Freeme - Thank you for saying that! Somedays I feel like I'm completely failing. But, I am the type of person that can take only so much before I put my foot down and say 'no'. This week I reached that limit. As for $ problems, he's starting to see the pinch already. My response --- oh well, this is what you wanted! And the OBS, I've wanted to say something since I uncovered his phone number and mailing address (~1 month ago). He deserves to know and I have every intention of telling him.
However, I am keeping this close for a little while longer, as I need to play some cards right for the D. My state is community property and no-fault, and because I make more money, I need him to agree to not come after me for spousal support! So, I can leverage the fog a little, get that agreement in writing, then inform the OBS.
I sense that even though you might have known in the back of your mind this was an exit, there was still some hope that maybe your exH would be remorseful and would try to come back and work things out. What you have now is clarity. Some might say he didn't give you a choice, but in fact you do have a choice. A choice to further reason and engage, or a choice to forge ahead and go NC.
....Work on you, get out of limbo and out of infidelity. That is your path to healing.
@HalfTime2017 - You are the first one to refer to my WH as my 'exH'! That hits hard, but I need to stop referring to him as my 'husband'. He isn't acting like one and doesn't have the character or values to be a real husband to me (or anyone for that matter). He no longer deserves that title, does he? That you for that!
As for the exit-affair, I was in complete denial in the beginning. I not only didn't believe he could cheat, I did hold hope that he would be remorseful and the man from 3 years ago would come back to work on R. But, only my 5 year old man-child husband has shown up...
But, you are right, with clarity comes my ability to move forward. Sending him that email was such a step for me because I had my answers and I just said 'ok, I'm not going to engage in this anymore'. M Mad me feel for the first time since New Years day that I'm a little less in limbo and can start actually healing. It will take a year, or two, or three to do so, but I can see a better path.
Only way out is through, right?