It’s been awhile since I last posted, so I thought I’d share an update.
My STBXWHs behavior hasn’t changed much since my last post. His narc behaviors wave their ugly head on the daily and he finds ways to try and interact / engage with me! The blame-game, aggressive communication, gaslighting, condescension, etc. are always there. I’m so proud of myself because I can’t ‘unsee’ it now. Instead of crying after reading an email, I laugh or get angry majority of the time. And I DON’T RESPOND to him unless necessary. And when I do respond, no emotion, only business, and I never respond to his 'poor me' bull! Progress compared to the wreck I was around D-day!
Two things to share:
First, last weekend I went out with a friend for lunch. When I came home, my STBXWH was washing his corvette in the driveway! If you remember, his business stuff is in the garage and he has access until the D gets worked out, but the rule is that he gives me a heads up beforehand so that I can chose to be there, to interact, not interact, etc. I was furious that he didn’t give me a heads up! Additionally, I knew he had lied to me about going to X city for work the weekend prior. X city is where his AP is. So, I called him out on both things because, well, I was pretty pissed.
Regarding being at the house and not respecting my boundaries by giving me a heads up that he would be there –
His response, “I knew it was a mistake to come over here. This is the first time in a month and I just needed to grab something from the garage. When I saw you weren’t here I just thought I’d take care of things. Why does it matter if I give you a heads up about coming over here anyway? You trying to hide your boyfriends from me?”
Holly projection batman! I told him I found it ironic that he feels entitled to have a girlfriend and cheat on me, and continue to talk to said AP even now, but now that we are separated I am not entitled to the same thing. That he is getting jealous over the possibility that I have a boyfriend or am going on dates. What a joke! Just proves that he has NO IDEA how much pain a BS feels following infidelity! Dating or sleeping with someone else isn’t even on my radar right now.
Regarding him lying about going to X city for work –
His response, “I don’t want to hurt your feelings anymore and I know hearing X city is hard for you. I don’t want you to think that I’m seeing her when I go to X city.” So, I responded, “Well, did you see your AP while you were there?” His response, “Yes. But we just met at a coffee shop and didn’t sleep together or talk about you or our divorce.”
I basically told him that I don’t understand what he gains by continuing to lie to me. That he was already caught cheating and I don’t believe anything he says about her or what they do/don’t do together. Meeting in a public place for coffee, yea right. Not talking to her about me or our divorce, yea right. Not sleeping with her, yea right. Lies, lies, lies. I asked if he knew how much lying and continuing to talk to her hurt me, and how disgusting and disrespectful it was. He basically said yes, but (the famous ‘but’) it wasn’t my business anymore who he talked to or what he did with his life. That she provides him ‘comfort and solace’ during such a difficult time and so he will continue to do so. So, I said he was right, it isn’t my business anymore, and thank God for that!
Still hurts knowing he is talking to her without any regard to my feelings. Not surprised though!
Secondly, I got an email from my STBXWH yesterday. He confirmed our set dog schedule (FINALLY), but added something fun at the end.
"I came by and saw you changed the locks. So long as the house is still in my name too I should have a key to it, I will not ever come in to check on you but to not have access to my house (and yes it is my house still too until you buy it from me or we sell it), is not an acceptable thing in my eyes. I'm just letting you know that if I have to go to the next level to access the house I will reach out legally to do so, I hope you are willing to work with me on this."
The ARROGANCE! Legally I know I have the right to change the locks (checked with my attorney), but the only way he would know if the locks were changed is if he tried to get into the house without my permission. This is precisely why I changed the locks in the first place. Because he refuses to respect boundaries and the fact that I don't want to see him and quite frankly don't feel comfortable! If he wants to come into my home, he can request it, and I can arrange someone to be here for him to get whatever he needs. But, he doesn't need full access to the house so he can search my panty drawer, search my desk to see my paperwork for my lawyer, take things without permission, etc. He just wants CONTROL!
So I wrote back saying:
"While you have a financial interest in the house, the house is my home and my primary residence. I have requested that you respect my privacy and autonomy here at the house, just as I have respected yours at your apartment. As we are separated and getting divorced, I do not expect to have a key to your home, just as you should not expect to have a key to my home.
I've shared before that as issues arise I will be sure to address those issues, as well as bring in a house sitter / dog sitter / plumber / etc. to the house where appropriate. There is no need, while I'm here or on a trip, for you to have access to anything other than the garage. Please trust that I will protect your financial investment in the house. And please respect my boundaries."
And guess what ... crickets! But, he will have some sort of retort in a day or two, so stay tuned.
Getting my ducks in a row and doing soft 180 right now. Engaging about 20% of the time to talk through a few things and using this to my advantage for D. But, should be able to do hard 180 in another ~2-4 weeks.
If you had asked me a week after D-day that I would actively be running away in the opposite direction from my WH, I'd tell you to knock off! Never in a million years did I think I'd be here. But, to use my STBXWHs words, I've gotten some 'clarity about our relationship' and have realized that we definitely want different things, that his values are way different than mine, and that I deserve so much better. And I've decided that I want to use the next year or two to fall in love with myself again as a single, strong, independent person, and take all the energy I've invested in him and invest it in myself.
One day at a time.