(Update on page 4!)
Hey everyone. I haven’t been around much, honestly popping in when I need some advice.
(Update on Page 3!)
G5 and I have been together for over four years now. I really love him, and additionally I really like him. We have a lot of fun together, like to do a lot of the same things, etc. We probably have the 80/20 thing going on - you know 80% is really great and 20% is not as great. I’ve always felt that ratio was kind of normal.
Lately the 20% is becoming problematic. I think because our relationship is changing a bit in that we are talking about living together, retiring together, what that looks like, etc.
Some of the things that are bothering me may be deal breakers, and this makes me so, so sad because I really do love him and we are a good fit in many ways.
I need some feedback on whether or not I’m being ridiculous, unrealistic with my expectations, etc.
Kids: I have three and he has two, all adults. I have never met one of his children as he hasn’t talked to this child in 2+ years after a pretty nasty incident where said child stormed out, did property damage, etc. From his POV, ball is in child’s court to apologize and make amends. I can’t disagree. However, I found out a couple of weeks ago that this child reached out to him several months ago in advance of a big moment in this child’s life, and he ignored. That really bothers me. 1. He didn’t even tell me about it 2. He ignored an attempt to communicate.
I have also never met his parents - doesn’t talk to them as the idolize his younger sister, who by his report is a failure to launch, but never have any praise for him on any level. They do sound somewhat toxic from what I’ve heard from him and his child I have met.
My ex: not my favorite person by any stretch, but I can be in the same room and be civil and polite to him. I feel like I’ve reached indifference or mostly. Feel like I could be ok being at a special event (aka first grandchild, etc) at one of our kid’s homes and navigate that fine. Will never share a family holiday with him or talk to him outside of that type of thing. G5 has a zero tolerance policy, has never met him, made a mini-fuss about him and an interaction I had with him at my daughters wedding, states he will never go to a birthday party, etc of ex will be there.
G5 doesn’t like my son, has verbalized this, but says he’s trying to look past some of the things that upset him - ie son not helping him pick up the leaves in my yard. Som says he was doing his homework for online class, G5 insists he’s lying and just didn’t want to help. He gets along with my girls ok. Interestingly, his favorite is my most emotionally immature.
G5 states he hates drama. All of the above seems like drama to me for everyone else but G5 who just cuts everyone off at the quick. He has stated that he forgives hut can’t forget, and anytime we’ve had a disagreement he brings up things from the past, which I’ve asked him not to do, but he says he’s just wired like that.
A couple weekends ago he helped me with a project assembling something at my house. I thought it went relatively smooth all things considered. He said I was snapping at him. The day before this he went around town with me running errands. He was looking kind of downtrodden and when I asked what was wrong he said he felt like I didn’t want him around, I was snippy with him, and asked if I had him there to be my “whipping boy”. I was seriously floored by all of that. It was a normal day of errands, and yeah, I was annoyed when I misread the directions and it caused me to have to do some extra work, but I never raised my voice or yelled or had a fit. I have no idea what he’s talking about and feel like I’m walking on pins and needles because something I say might come across wrong.
On that note, I have a ton of anxiety anytime I bring up doing anything with the kids. This holiday actually went better than previous years, but I feel like it was a monumental effort for him in some ways. I think if he never saw my kids again he’d be ok with that. He likes me parents.
I should note G5 is very introverted, more than I am, and maybe that’s part of the struggle.
Today’s issue that came up was that I was being argumentative with him. No matter what he said I said the opposite. I had a “are you fucking kidding me?” Moment, as this is his basic life of communication with me. Whatever I say, he brings up the opposing point of view or an alternate point of view. I mentioned this and he said,”Well that’s a really easy one to say to the other person you did that to me too.”. My point was that it is his general way of communicating and making conversation.
When we do talk about retirement, he always talks about one person owning the house “so that if anything happens” there are no issues. It makes me feel like he’s got one foot out the door just in case. He has often said he’s not going to tolerate drama. Well, when is some issue I want to discuss going to be considered drama and he’s just going to leave out? And why is the drama he creates ok?
Idk. I could list off a long list of things here that are also really great about him, as well. Truly. We are doing the long distance thing so only see each other one night a week and I don’t know if that’s the issue. The pandemic has been hard. I’m a nurse and things have been stressful at work. He mentioned today about me being stressed and not as much fun (not his exact words) lately. Honestly, we just had ten days off together that were pretty nice, I thought. We saw both sets of kids for Christmas, socially distanced of course, and I was sad to see him go.
There’s just this underlying current of unease.
Please give me some feedback here. Thank you!
[This message edited by nekorb at 2:46 AM, Saturday, March 26th]