Newest Member: Misery

nekorb

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16 ...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

Four years in, and something is amiss

(Update on page 4!)
Hey everyone. I haven’t been around much, honestly popping in when I need some advice.

(Update on Page 3!)

G5 and I have been together for over four years now. I really love him, and additionally I really like him. We have a lot of fun together, like to do a lot of the same things, etc. We probably have the 80/20 thing going on - you know 80% is really great and 20% is not as great. I’ve always felt that ratio was kind of normal.

Anyway -

Lately the 20% is becoming problematic. I think because our relationship is changing a bit in that we are talking about living together, retiring together, what that looks like, etc.

Some of the things that are bothering me may be deal breakers, and this makes me so, so sad because I really do love him and we are a good fit in many ways.

I need some feedback on whether or not I’m being ridiculous, unrealistic with my expectations, etc.

Examples:

Kids: I have three and he has two, all adults. I have never met one of his children as he hasn’t talked to this child in 2+ years after a pretty nasty incident where said child stormed out, did property damage, etc. From his POV, ball is in child’s court to apologize and make amends. I can’t disagree. However, I found out a couple of weeks ago that this child reached out to him several months ago in advance of a big moment in this child’s life, and he ignored. That really bothers me. 1. He didn’t even tell me about it 2. He ignored an attempt to communicate.

I have also never met his parents - doesn’t talk to them as the idolize his younger sister, who by his report is a failure to launch, but never have any praise for him on any level. They do sound somewhat toxic from what I’ve heard from him and his child I have met.

My ex: not my favorite person by any stretch, but I can be in the same room and be civil and polite to him. I feel like I’ve reached indifference or mostly. Feel like I could be ok being at a special event (aka first grandchild, etc) at one of our kid’s homes and navigate that fine. Will never share a family holiday with him or talk to him outside of that type of thing. G5 has a zero tolerance policy, has never met him, made a mini-fuss about him and an interaction I had with him at my daughters wedding, states he will never go to a birthday party, etc of ex will be there.

G5 doesn’t like my son, has verbalized this, but says he’s trying to look past some of the things that upset him - ie son not helping him pick up the leaves in my yard. Som says he was doing his homework for online class, G5 insists he’s lying and just didn’t want to help. He gets along with my girls ok. Interestingly, his favorite is my most emotionally immature.

G5 states he hates drama. All of the above seems like drama to me for everyone else but G5 who just cuts everyone off at the quick. He has stated that he forgives hut can’t forget, and anytime we’ve had a disagreement he brings up things from the past, which I’ve asked him not to do, but he says he’s just wired like that.

A couple weekends ago he helped me with a project assembling something at my house. I thought it went relatively smooth all things considered. He said I was snapping at him. The day before this he went around town with me running errands. He was looking kind of downtrodden and when I asked what was wrong he said he felt like I didn’t want him around, I was snippy with him, and asked if I had him there to be my “whipping boy”. I was seriously floored by all of that. It was a normal day of errands, and yeah, I was annoyed when I misread the directions and it caused me to have to do some extra work, but I never raised my voice or yelled or had a fit. I have no idea what he’s talking about and feel like I’m walking on pins and needles because something I say might come across wrong.

On that note, I have a ton of anxiety anytime I bring up doing anything with the kids. This holiday actually went better than previous years, but I feel like it was a monumental effort for him in some ways. I think if he never saw my kids again he’d be ok with that. He likes me parents.

I should note G5 is very introverted, more than I am, and maybe that’s part of the struggle.

Today’s issue that came up was that I was being argumentative with him. No matter what he said I said the opposite. I had a “are you fucking kidding me?” Moment, as this is his basic life of communication with me. Whatever I say, he brings up the opposing point of view or an alternate point of view. I mentioned this and he said,”Well that’s a really easy one to say to the other person you did that to me too.”. My point was that it is his general way of communicating and making conversation.

When we do talk about retirement, he always talks about one person owning the house “so that if anything happens” there are no issues. It makes me feel like he’s got one foot out the door just in case. He has often said he’s not going to tolerate drama. Well, when is some issue I want to discuss going to be considered drama and he’s just going to leave out? And why is the drama he creates ok?

Idk. I could list off a long list of things here that are also really great about him, as well. Truly. We are doing the long distance thing so only see each other one night a week and I don’t know if that’s the issue. The pandemic has been hard. I’m a nurse and things have been stressful at work. He mentioned today about me being stressed and not as much fun (not his exact words) lately. Honestly, we just had ten days off together that were pretty nice, I thought. We saw both sets of kids for Christmas, socially distanced of course, and I was sad to see him go.

There’s just this underlying current of unease.

Please give me some feedback here. Thank you!

77 comments posted: Sunday, January 10th, 2021

Year 3 with G5 and hit a speed bump - need advice

I’m hoping this is just a speed bump.

Here’s the shortest version I can do, and please know that you’re missing a lot of details!

G5 verbalized that he doesn’t like 2/3 of my (adult) kids. Stated that he doesn’t look forward to getting together with them because they “treat him like shit”.

I was absolutely stunned that he had this perception of them. I asked for details and he cited several events, all of which seemed menial to me, misperceptions, misunderstandings etc. I thought perhaps my radar was off on this so ran it across my BFFs at work and the response was “those things are petty BS that in reality probably had nothing to do with him, he’s just choosing to perceive it that way.”.

I had said almost the exact same thing to G5 - that he was viewing all of these thing through a filter he created himself of deciding the kids don’t like him. I’m pretty sure he decided that before he even met them.

Second issue: he does not want me to say anything to the kids, nor does he plan to. So he’s basically just going to hold this against them without giving them the opportunity to explain or discuss.

Third issue: one of my BFFs said the exact thing that I said to him without any prompting from me. It’s like he wants to keep him and I isolated together, insulated from the rest of our lives. so - a bubble where G5 and I exist, a bubble with me and my kids, a bubble with G5 and his kids. The bubbles do not mix or touch. As my other BFF said - it’s like a permanent fling. You never truly mesh your lives together.

Issue 3.5: When I brought this issue up, he said “this is starting to feel like games and drama and I don’t like it. It has made me feel like I can’t speak up when I have an issue, and god forbid I bring THIS issue up again, as I’m sure he thinks it’s settled. (Clarification on that at the end)

Fourth issue: the above is the one and only issue. I love this man deeply and we have discussed and are planning as if we are spending the rest of our lives together. We are wonderful friends, we enjoy the same things, we travel well together, we stay home well together. Very compatible on many levels. But this is a big deal. Am I wrong in that? Is his version of how things should be the norm?

Current state: the conversation ended with him saying that he is not ruling out ever feeling differently about my kids, but he doesn’t know either. He said we are never going to have one big happy blended family and he has no desire to be a stepdad to my kids and is not looking for a stepmom for his (also adult) sons. I dated my kids have a dad and I’m not looking to be his kids mom. Btw - despite my expressing several times that I want to get to know his son, I have seen him twice in 3 years of dating. G5 sees him weekly.

I do want to give credit where credit is due. We had a nice Christmas at my house with my kids and thanksgiving was here too, and G5 was present for these events. He was very helpful at my daughters wedding this past fall. I invited his son to come to my house for xmas (which is how I met him the year prior), but he was not able to come and G5 did not try to schedule any other get together. G5 and my son were at the house together alone for a bit and G5 did ask him to play cards (because it was “so fucking awkward just sitting there not talking” - but I’ll take it!). G5 and my dad get along splendidly.

This all started because G5 didn’t come to a family get together this past weekend. He did have a legitimate reason, but circumstances changed which I thought would allow him to come, and he chose not to. I was really disappointed and further discussion about it led to his verbalizing all this stuff about my kids.

Any insight, experience, what has worked for you, etc is appreciated.

Side note: I’m having anxiety about talking to him because of the backlash that I know will come (being accused of playing games and creating drama), and that is a dynamic that I loved with for far too long with the ex. G5 is so loving and caring in every other way and on every other topic. I cannot figure out why this is an issue for us.

44 comments posted: Wednesday, February 5th, 2020

OW has passed away

Trigger warning: mentions suicide

I haven’t been here in quite awhile. I’ve been happily moved on from the trauma of infidelity and divorce and enjoying my new beginning. The OW has been a continued source of problems for my kids as it relates to the ex. Yes, he was still with her. Until This Week.

I got a call early in the morning one day this week from DD, saying that OW had committed suicide.

I have such a mixed bag of feelings about this. I know there are others here who understand.

I guess we should have known it would end in a dramatic fashion, but I would never wish this on anyone, and I’m heartsick for her children.

I’m angry at her for being selfish, and I’m furious with the ex for bringing this broken person into their lives who has done nothing but cause them sadness and pain.

On a positive note, my younger dd, who has had several suicide attempts, now recognizes the devastation that it causes. She feels horrible that she was selfish in that way. We’ve responded with “when you know better you do better”.

My dd(younger) was in the house when this happened. Saw the OW after she had expired, saw ex doing CPR, talked with the 911 operator while OW’s child was crying and screaming.

It pisses me off and simultaneously makes me so sad for everyone.

Just...ugh.

(In other news - G5 and I will be together for three years in another month or so!! I really enjoy what we have together)

[This message edited by nekorb at 11:33 PM, August 30th (Friday)]

23 comments posted: Friday, August 30th, 2019

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