Tragedy continues…
***Trigger warning: mentions death and suicide
The brief background is: the OW committed suicide about 5 years ago. She and the ex were living together at the time along with my middle child and her youngest child.
Just found out the OW’s middle child (now over 18yo) overdosed and died over the weekend. Unsure if accidental or intentional, they are leaning toward accidental.
I know it’s irrational, but I blame the NPD ex. Maybe if you hadn’t been in a f’ed up abusive relationship with her she wouldn’t have killed herself. Maybe her kids wouldn’t have been traumatized and using drugs.
And maybe all of that still would have happened, but I guess we will never know.
The young person that died has a baby. And now the trauma continues to cycle through the generations.
It just PISSES ME OFF that they don’t think about the far reaching consequences of their actions.
2 comments posted: Tuesday, March 18th, 2025
Need some perspective
Today has not gone well. We did our big family celebration yesterday, and have one get together to go with my daughter (dd) and son in law (sil) in a few days.
We have been arguing about this next get together for the majority of the afternoon/evening off and on.
In short - the last time we were all together at a larger family get together at our home, when dd and sil were leaving sil went to shake G5’s hand (my SO - together 8 yrs, living together 8 months), and G5 declined citing he was avoiding a lot of direct personal contact since he had COVID earlier in the summer (and was deathly ill!). Sil responded with "well f*CK you too, G5!", and G5 calmly responded that it was nothing personal, he didn’t mean anything by it, etc.
I was so stunned and there was so much other curfluffle going on with everyone leaving that I didn’t say anything and then they were gone. I have no idea if dd heard this exchange.
I think this is out of character for sil, and G5 is holding a grudge about it, and did not address it further at the time and has not addressed it with G5 since.
So, G5 advised me today he has an exit plan in place and that if he perceives any attitude or disrespect from sil, he’s going to say that he isn’t going to be talked to that way and he’s leaving (or sil is), then refined the plan further to just say he is going to be the one to leave.
I hate this plan. I could not communicate effectively to G5 that this is not a healthy dynamic. That if you’re going to bring it up you need to address it. Not drop it like a bomb on everyone and then leave me and dd to somehow deal with it and not be able to resolve it because one of the involved parties isn’t there (because G5 left).
He also thought I should have addressed it with dd and or sil. I think I spent a lot of time in therapy learning not to insert myself into other peoples disputes.
This devolved into me taking sil’s side and not supporting G5 (his feelings that he expressed), and me trying to offer suggestions for him to remove himself from the situation (go upstairs because he has a headache, for instance) without dropping this huge thing on everyone and not sticking around to help "clean up the mess".
THEN - he asks me if I want him to move out. I was like…wait…what??? This is the second time he has brought this up during a disagreement.
I said NO, I don’t, and asked him if he wanted to move out and he said if he was going to be expected to "take this abuse" it was going to be a deal breaker for him.
I said I was not expecting him to tolerate inappropriate behavior from sil, but either address it with him or otherwise deal with it in a way that doesn’t escalate the conflict.
He has now agreed to excuse himself for a headache, go upstairs, etc, but has said he isn’t going to "roll" for me again, whatever that means.
We spent a couple hours apart in the house, he went to the gym for while, I asked if I could say something and I told him it makes me anxious when his solution to every disagreement is to throw out moving out/ending the relationship. He has no recollection of saying this before, but he has.
And there was just so much more…but you get the gist.
He went to bed. I texted and said I loved him and wished the day had gone differently. He didn’t respond.
Am I completely off base here? I agree sil was out of line, but I don’t think his exit plan will be constructive to the situation.
We don’t have a lot of conflict otherwise.
Idk.
Feeling sad. 
64 comments posted: Saturday, December 28th, 2024
Qdro and confidentiality - so angry!
I just need to vent and I’m curious if anyone else has ever had this happen.
My financial planner sent the paperwork to roll my QDRO funds into my personal account to my EXWH’s employer. We need the plan administrator’s signature. That’s it. It’s my account, in my name.
The HR person said she’s happy to facilitate as soon as she does her "due diligence". OK, whatever.
Then I find out her due diligence equals her calling my EXWH and telling him I’m trying to take money out of his retirement account.
What the literal fuck!!?!
EXWH calls my financial planner (I assume he still uses the same one), and she tells him no, these are the same funds I’ve had since the divorce, blah, blah, blah, and he says fine whatever.
What’s wrong with this picture?? Anyone else have this happen? Do I have any type of recourse here?
What I want recourse for I don’t even know. I feel like my privacy was violated. I spent YEARS separating myself from this asshat and trying to stay of his NPD radar. I don’t want him knowing what I’m doing with my money or why or ANYTHING.
I’m sooo pissed…
(I am proud of myself, however, for not knee-jerk replying to the email I got about this issue, and I’m taking a few days to think about whether or not I’m going to address the issue, because I’m not sure that an issue exists…)
What say you, my SI peeps?
4 comments posted: Sunday, February 18th, 2024
G5 is moving in…
Just a quick update for any of the gang that may be lurking around from my time here long ago…
G5 and I have been together for 7+ years now and he is moving in!!
It’s a slow move as he purges things from his home and gets ready to sell it. Probably in the next few months the move will be complete.
I’m really excited to be taking this next step together. We always joke that when you put us together we balance out each other’s weirdness into one relatively normal person.
He expects nothing from me. He loves me for ME, and not for what I can do for him. It’s a wonderful feeling.
If you’re new here, hang in there. Things WILL get better!!
9 comments posted: Tuesday, January 16th, 2024
No contact. Posting it here.
Way back when this site was all new to me we had a thread pinned somewhere to help us stay no contact. A place to vent "to" our WS instead of breaking no contact. Not sure where that thread might be these days, so I made my own. :)
Asshat -
Thank you for being so distracted by your flashy unicorn OW that you refused to reconcile and ultimately set me free when I finally stood up for ME and filed for divorce from your stupid ass.
You. Are. A fucking. Liar.
I have found a true partner and someone who values me for something other than what I can do for him.
I don’t understand why life has taken me on this path, but I’m going to trust the process and enjoy my new beginning with G5. You WILL NOT take that from me.
Asshat!!! 
4 comments posted: Tuesday, January 16th, 2024
I do not need to warn her. I do not need to warn her.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
My nightmares that started during the A and divorce have never really stopped. And now asshat’s fiancé is in them as well.
Fiancé is not OW. The kids (all adults) really like her, she is good to them, and that’s all I really care about. I have no problem with her.
They are getting married this summer. I keep having this new version of my nightmare where I am supposed to warn her about asshat but can’t find her, etc. I’ve never met this woman and there would, realistically, be no chance of this ever happening.
It almost feels like girl code violation not to tell her. You know what I mean? I see her walking, unknowingly, into this NPD situation. But at the same time, I recognize this is not my responsibility. But, UGH - if she only knew what a covert narcissist was…
21 comments posted: Wednesday, March 15th, 2023
Never-ending Npd mind f**k
When do the intrusive thoughts about my NPD ex and how he did xyz, which is completely different from G5, go away?
It’s like this involuntary, continued effort by my brain to reconcile exNPD’s fucked up behavior with what I’m now experiencing with G5, which is normal, respectful behavior.
I hate it. I just want him out of my brain. It’s been almost 8 years since we separated, 6 years divorced. GTFO of my head!!!
Any tips or insight?
TY!
14 comments posted: Saturday, November 12th, 2022
Four years in, and something is amiss
(Update on page 4!)
Hey everyone. I haven’t been around much, honestly popping in when I need some advice.
(Update on Page 3!)
G5 and I have been together for over four years now. I really love him, and additionally I really like him. We have a lot of fun together, like to do a lot of the same things, etc. We probably have the 80/20 thing going on - you know 80% is really great and 20% is not as great. I’ve always felt that ratio was kind of normal.
Anyway -
Lately the 20% is becoming problematic. I think because our relationship is changing a bit in that we are talking about living together, retiring together, what that looks like, etc.
Some of the things that are bothering me may be deal breakers, and this makes me so, so sad because I really do love him and we are a good fit in many ways.
I need some feedback on whether or not I’m being ridiculous, unrealistic with my expectations, etc.
Examples:
Kids: I have three and he has two, all adults. I have never met one of his children as he hasn’t talked to this child in 2+ years after a pretty nasty incident where said child stormed out, did property damage, etc. From his POV, ball is in child’s court to apologize and make amends. I can’t disagree. However, I found out a couple of weeks ago that this child reached out to him several months ago in advance of a big moment in this child’s life, and he ignored. That really bothers me. 1. He didn’t even tell me about it 2. He ignored an attempt to communicate.
I have also never met his parents - doesn’t talk to them as the idolize his younger sister, who by his report is a failure to launch, but never have any praise for him on any level. They do sound somewhat toxic from what I’ve heard from him and his child I have met.
My ex: not my favorite person by any stretch, but I can be in the same room and be civil and polite to him. I feel like I’ve reached indifference or mostly. Feel like I could be ok being at a special event (aka first grandchild, etc) at one of our kid’s homes and navigate that fine. Will never share a family holiday with him or talk to him outside of that type of thing. G5 has a zero tolerance policy, has never met him, made a mini-fuss about him and an interaction I had with him at my daughters wedding, states he will never go to a birthday party, etc of ex will be there.
G5 doesn’t like my son, has verbalized this, but says he’s trying to look past some of the things that upset him - ie son not helping him pick up the leaves in my yard. Som says he was doing his homework for online class, G5 insists he’s lying and just didn’t want to help. He gets along with my girls ok. Interestingly, his favorite is my most emotionally immature.
G5 states he hates drama. All of the above seems like drama to me for everyone else but G5 who just cuts everyone off at the quick. He has stated that he forgives hut can’t forget, and anytime we’ve had a disagreement he brings up things from the past, which I’ve asked him not to do, but he says he’s just wired like that.
A couple weekends ago he helped me with a project assembling something at my house. I thought it went relatively smooth all things considered. He said I was snapping at him. The day before this he went around town with me running errands. He was looking kind of downtrodden and when I asked what was wrong he said he felt like I didn’t want him around, I was snippy with him, and asked if I had him there to be my “whipping boy”. I was seriously floored by all of that. It was a normal day of errands, and yeah, I was annoyed when I misread the directions and it caused me to have to do some extra work, but I never raised my voice or yelled or had a fit. I have no idea what he’s talking about and feel like I’m walking on pins and needles because something I say might come across wrong.
On that note, I have a ton of anxiety anytime I bring up doing anything with the kids. This holiday actually went better than previous years, but I feel like it was a monumental effort for him in some ways. I think if he never saw my kids again he’d be ok with that. He likes me parents.
I should note G5 is very introverted, more than I am, and maybe that’s part of the struggle.
Today’s issue that came up was that I was being argumentative with him. No matter what he said I said the opposite. I had a “are you fucking kidding me?” Moment, as this is his basic life of communication with me. Whatever I say, he brings up the opposing point of view or an alternate point of view. I mentioned this and he said,”Well that’s a really easy one to say to the other person you did that to me too.”. My point was that it is his general way of communicating and making conversation.
When we do talk about retirement, he always talks about one person owning the house “so that if anything happens” there are no issues. It makes me feel like he’s got one foot out the door just in case. He has often said he’s not going to tolerate drama. Well, when is some issue I want to discuss going to be considered drama and he’s just going to leave out? And why is the drama he creates ok?
Idk. I could list off a long list of things here that are also really great about him, as well. Truly. We are doing the long distance thing so only see each other one night a week and I don’t know if that’s the issue. The pandemic has been hard. I’m a nurse and things have been stressful at work. He mentioned today about me being stressed and not as much fun (not his exact words) lately. Honestly, we just had ten days off together that were pretty nice, I thought. We saw both sets of kids for Christmas, socially distanced of course, and I was sad to see him go.
There’s just this underlying current of unease.
Please give me some feedback here. Thank you!
77 comments posted: Sunday, January 10th, 2021
