Newest Member: comadreha


Me - 50 Kids 25, 22, 18 1st DDay in 2006, 2nd in 2007 D in 2009 Happily Committed to SO since 2011

I'm finding ME!

I think this belongs here, but feel free to move to Off Topic if needed.

SO and I were on a "break" during a time where he needed to take care of personal issues for about 3 months (with extensive IC). We didn't see anyone else during this time, and many here recommended that I find new hobbies for myself. Worried that our "break" would lead to a break-up I started really looking into what "I" wanted and what "I" needed. He's doing good and we are back where we were but I realized that I can't be what I was before.

Not that I wasn't good, I just wasn't me. After the D I didn't want to be alone but learned how to be. Then when SO came along I was so enamored with the idea of spending time as a couple that I stopped taking care of myself. This break not only helped him but helped me to see what I had been missing.

I went fishing by myself, have taken mini road trips alone (something peaceful about an empty car, long road ahead and blaring music) and am trying new activities...snow shoeing is on the list!

It is so important that we keep our own identities. After being married 20 years (and married young so that didn't help) I lost myself in it, and vowed never to do that again. Well, guess what? I did. But I didn't see it until the break. Looking in the mirror and facing the fears, doubts and insecurities was not easy. Probably why I avoided it. And I'm far from being the independent person I should be, but I'm getting there.

9 comments posted: Wednesday, October 28th, 2020

Self-care after break up

SO and I are not seeing each other right now. I'm trying to accept things and move forward (will share details later although I posted about a "break" a few weeks ago).

After the xWH baloney I figured out how to pick myself up and keep going. I'm struggling with doing that this time. I don't know if it's because there's no real "hurt" associated with this break up like the infidelity crap with xWH. I still love him and I know he cares for me although the love may be gone. I stepped away physically but emotionally I'm very much still there.

I'm struggling with the every day thoughts of him and what I had planned for our future. I don't remember what I did before to get through this hard painful time, but I had 3 little kids to care for back then so maybe they were what kept me going whereas now my youngest will graduate and leave for college next year. I've taken up a few hobbies and am trying to keep busy at home.

As for anyone else, I found this quote from someone (Sorry, can't remember who) on another thread from TTS:

A casual relationship here and there may be, for purely sexual purposes, but I will never again give away my heart.

This is where I am, I can't imagine ever bringing anyone into my life on a serious level again. I know it's "too soon" to think of that anyway, but part of my pain does come from broken future plans and the fact that he wasn't just a part of my life but my kids' as well.

Just needed to vent; maybe if I put my loneliness down in writing (I already journal it) I'll feel it a little less. The absence of our relationship is overwhelming but if I made it through infidelity I can do anything, right? Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by newlife03 at 12:29 PM, August 3rd (Monday)]

15 comments posted: Monday, August 3rd, 2020

Trigger hits...15 years

SO and I will be celebrating 9 years together in August, and we have always been able to trust one another, unlike the relationship with xWH. But for the first time since he and I started dating, I had a trigger last night and it sent me into a full blown panic attack. My girlfriend, thankfully, walked me through it. Here’s what happened:

SO has spoken on more than one occasion about a store clerk who is always nice and helpful. I never once thought that he was attracted to her, that there was interest, nothing. I’ve trusted him 100%. Last night we were at a friend’s party, and she was there with her husband and they are mutual friends. Suddenly I see her touch his arm as she walks past him, and she glances at him a lot but she also glanced at me. I notice he’s glancing at her along with everyone else seemingly joking about stupid stuff. Now, we are several hours into this drunk fest so I can’t be sure if what I saw was what I saw or if my past was taking over my mind. In 2005 I went out with some friends and xWH’s girlfriend was there and she kept watching me.

Suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks...the “other woman” checking me out while knowing she’s with my man and knowing I’m not aware of it.

SO has NEVER given me any reason to question him or his intentions. Ever. In fact, he surprised me for my birthday and had my kids be there; it’s rare to have them all together so it was a gift of love.

I hate that, after 15 years, a painful memory comes face and shoots me in the heart. WTF...

I thought the triggers would be forever gone since I’ve been so incredibly happy with SO and our life. I feel like I have these inner demons in my head that will always be there to keep me on my guard, and I’ll probably get myself some IC just to work through it.

For those pains were over 10 years ago, do the triggers still hit? Asking for a friend. And thank you.

13 comments posted: Sunday, June 14th, 2020

Finally went back to maiden name!

I divorced xWH in 2009 and kept the married name for the sake of my kids being in school and thinking it would be "easier" for us to have the same last time. Fast forward 11 years later...two of my three are adults living on their own and my youngest will be a senior in high school this year. She's comfortable knowing that everyone who knows her knows that I am her mom and isn't concerned with the name change.

I did ask each of my kids how they felt about it, simply because it's still their name. My son said he didn't care and my older daughter said that since we're not married there's no need to hold onto it!

Took a while to remember how to write it again as I was married at age 19 and have spent the last 31 years with the married name.

Yay for me

11 comments posted: Monday, March 23rd, 2020

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