Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: PowerWithin

New Beginnings :
Four years in, and something is amiss

default

OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 5:05 AM on Wednesday, January 27th, 2021

Do I want my life to be like this forever.No. But if G5 is willing to work on things

You are needing him to change (a lot of things) that he does not dislike about himself, so it's not the right relationship. You should not need someone to change like this.

isn’t it unfair not to acknowledge that effort and see what it yields?

I think it is unfair to yourself to keep waiting and hoping that it will yield something.

Either way, we have to have a discussion.

That's kind of silly, as if he does not know of your concerns? He knows. You talked for five hours.

When we hang onto relationships while unhappy and hope for change, we are the problem. It's ok to let go and say, "This isn't working for me. I have too much respect for you to ask you to change a million things about yourself. You'll find someone who is a better fit." People let go of relationships all the time. Doesn't he deserve that? It's not just you who deserves a better alignment. Keeping him and needing him to change so much is not fair or realistic (said my IC). Let him go.

Your friend's suggestion about sitting and imagining life without him suggests that people who care about you both here and irl know that you are staying with him for the wrong reasons, trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. You can stay with him and listen to all of his explanations, but he is not a young man. He's a very grown man who is set in his ways and has no desire to change, as evidenced by the "we should end it." He does seem very onboard with getting you to change your views of things though (recipe: 1 tsp apology + 3 tsp explanation + 1/4 cup of "But what about you?" + 1/4 cup of "You misunderstood me" = you all mixed up).

You can and should do whatever you think is best, Nekorb. It's possible that the 30 people responding to your thread with alarm have no clue what they are talking about, but you have to admit that it is much more likely that the one person who thinks this R can or should be saved is unwilling to look at this situation honestly because it hurts. I'm very sorry. I know it hurts. There is NO hurt done to me greater than my feelings of abandonment when triggered. The loss, the emptiness, the rejection I feel when I SO want love and acceptance but get pushed away or when I can't get the person to just freaking change for me--those feelings fill me with crippling sadness and bring me back to when I am 7 years-old and feel so alone and unloved. I have spent years and years healing these intrusive hurts, but they creep up occasionally. I imagine the sadness of losing this R is triggering something similar in you (or you are fighting that truth off). I don't want you back at the 5-year mark telling us that he is still disrespecting your needs or (worse) disrespecting your son. I can't bear that thought, so I hope you will face your sad feelings of loss instead of continuing to jam this grudge holding, jealous-of-the-men-in-your-life, relationship ending man baby into the role of dedicated boyfriend. He's not that guy, but that guy is definitely out there. You just gotta make room in your life to meet him.

Best wishes to you.

me: BS/WSh: WS/BS

Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5474   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8628212
default

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 7:41 AM on Wednesday, January 27th, 2021

These type of changes would take a long time (probably years) under the best of circumstances if in fact he's genuine (I very much doubt it) and of course with NO guarantees, he's not a teenager and sure some people can change but certainly the older people get, the more difficult it is to make any significant changes in one's way of thinking and attitude, especially since based on what you have posted he doesn't think he's in the wrong and is probably saying what you want to hear and/or doing it to appease you and comply with your "requests" for now.

Remember you've just been dating and you've just been getting (like another poster mentioned) the "vacation version of him", and he's already showing major red flags, life typically gets more complicated especially if you move in together with a blended family.

The situation with his own son is IMHO very worrisome, think about it, unless his son is Osama Bin Laden, Ted Bundy or some type of monster, what could possibly cause someone to completely sever the relationship with his/her own son ? a "nasty" fight years ago doesn't seem to cut it (at least not for me), again everything is possible and of course I don't know the whole situation but cutting your son out of your life is not a common event and more on the very extreme side of things, plus he has issues with other close relatives too (I wonder what their version of events is), but his own son, and you expect him to have patience and get along with yours ?, again your gut is screaming at you for a reason, listen to it, life's way too short, cut him loose, I know it's hard but he's already shown you his true colors.

posts: 2590   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8628217
default

 nekorb (original poster member #40306) posted at 9:25 PM on Wednesday, January 27th, 2021

I know you guys are right. I just don’t like it.

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

posts: 5697   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2013
id 8628361
default

ZenMumWalking ( member #25341) posted at 2:29 PM on Thursday, January 28th, 2021

((((nekorb))))

I'm so sorry. But you know what the right thing to do is. It's an easy decision that's oh so difficult to carry out.

Things will change, but they will change for the better. You will feel the relief.

((((nekorb))))

Me (BS), Him (WH): late-50's
3 DS: 26, 25, 22
M: 30+ (19 1/2 at Dday)
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen
Used to be DeadMumWalking, doing better now

posts: 8408   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2009   ·   location: EU
id 8628512
default

ronjs ( member #51741) posted at 2:54 PM on Friday, January 29th, 2021

Continue at your own peril.

Listen to your gut feelings.

Better to live alone, in peace - than with someone in conflict.

Far too many IFs.

Don’t be desperate.

God bless you.

Ron

posts: 55   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2016   ·   location: Australia
id 8628878
default

 nekorb (original poster member #40306) posted at 12:41 PM on Saturday, January 30th, 2021

Mini update from yesterday:

So. Here’s an interesting thing. On the way home from work I called him, per usual. About ten minutes in to the conversation he tells me he asked his son about getting together to meet my kids and so said he thought that would be fun.

He prioritized what we talked about. That’s a good sign, I think.

At that point I did tell him I wanted to have that follow up conversation to the discussion last week, and that I preferred to do it tomorrow (today) while he’s here and he said ok! One thing he said was, “from my point of view we had an argument and it got a little heated but I’m good now. If you still have some things you need to talk about that’s fine, but I’m good.”.

While I’m glad he’s willing to talk, and in person no less, I’m going to introduce him to the concept of rugsweeping, because that does go both ways. I’m Leary of the sudden capitulation on this topic. It reminds me of when I was trying to save my marriage and I caved on things I really didn’t want to in an attempt to save the relationship. Same with last Friday - he ends our relationship, we talk for five hours and work through some things, and suddenly he’s completely fine with no issues or hesitations whatsoever, nothing to discuss. AKA-> decisions from a place of fear.

I just realized that I need to be willing to say “no, I’m not ok” even when he says he is.

I’m willing.

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

posts: 5697   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2013
id 8629186
default

sillyoldsod ( member #43649) posted at 2:38 PM on Saturday, January 30th, 2021

I just realized that I need to be willing to say “no, I’m not ok” even when he says he is.

I’m willing.

That's some great realization and self insight nekorb.

You're establishing healthy boundaries and learning how to free yourself from co-dependency imho.

Strength to you!

I've never met a sociopath I didn't like.

posts: 673   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2014   ·   location: UK
id 8629204
default

maise ( member #69516) posted at 2:43 PM on Saturday, January 30th, 2021

I took the time to read through all pages of your post.

OIN worded things very well, this man is not healthy for you. No matter how many conversations you have with him - it won’t change who he *is*. These are patterns of his that are ingrained and likely formed when he was a child. The only way for them to ever change and for him to learn to be emotionally mature would be for him to admit he has a problem and be willing to be adult enough to look at himself, seek IC and learn to be introspective. This guy in all situations has avoided taking any accountability for his role in anything. That alone speaks volumes. He will never see himself because he can’t own his behavior.

I can relate to you in how you *see* him. I can relate to you in how you rationalize his behavior and want to believe that those things that make him seem good should be enough. The truth is that they’re not enough, he is at his core a human being that has a lot of work to do with himself that nobody can ever make him do. A lot of very HARD work that will require much digging into himself, his emotions and his FOO with a therapist in order to change his coping skills and patterns. Until then, he is who he is.

All of that said, the one person you can account for and help is you. I recommend IC for you so that you can dig into yourself further and find your own patterns of behavior that allow for you to be with someone like him. IC will help you build yourself up and strengthen to where leaving him won’t hurt so badly anymore the stronger you get. A good IC will help you see people like him much more quickly in the future, see the red flags, and help you learn to walk away sooner because you’ll see that you are worth better and deserve better.

This is already a very manipulative and emotionally abusive relationship. Listen to yourself and your gut, it’s trying to protect you. You are worthy of more.

BW (SSM) D-Day: 6/9/2018 Status: Divorcing

posts: 866   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2019   ·   location: Houston
id 8629207
default

Hedwig ( member #74175) posted at 9:00 AM on Sunday, January 31st, 2021

He frequently references early on when all three of my kids sat down with us and had a list of questions for him, and that made him uncomfortable. Questions were along the lines of “What are your intentions with our mom?” Kind of thing. He is unable to accept they were just kids worried about their mom, and were not intending to make him uncomfortable.

Turn this around: if you met his (I assume young) kids, would you hold it against them if they interrogated you a little bit about your intentions with their dad? Now, don't you want a partner who's at least as compassionate towards kids with divorced parents as you are?

I’m Leary of the sudden capitulation on this topic. It reminds me of when I was trying to save my marriage and I caved on things I really didn’t want to in an attempt to save the relationship. Same with last Friday - he ends our relationship, we talk for five hours and work through some things, and suddenly he’s completely fine with no issues or hesitations whatsoever, nothing to discuss. AKA-> decisions from a place of fear.

It's good that you see this. People who are desperate will agree to more than people who are secure. He'll cave now but it will come up once you guys are out of this rocky weather. my WEXBF did this too. Red flag!

Re the: 'haven't you asked enough already, I never ask you for anything'. This is something people without boundaries and people who are people pleasers do often. They go along with whatever and they don't think themselves worthy of asking anything, but they expect others to do the same.

Listen, you have the right to ask whatever you want. The other person has the right to refuse whatever they want. That doesn't make any of you a bad person. Based on how many of those needs/wants go unmet, you can decide to try and find someone who is willing to meet more of your needs.

I know it's hard when you're in the middle of it, especially if there's underlying attachment issues. I think you're doing amazing. The fact you come on here and ask for advice, keep updating us all to see what we think. Brava to you!

You said we are right and you just don't like it. That's fine. Hang around here some more until you get used to the idea and are comfortable enough to like what we're saying.

Dday - 10/2018
Caught them, EMDR helped
Ended the relationship after false R for 1,5 years

posts: 267   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2020
id 8629386
default

SallyShrink81 ( member #50219) posted at 5:25 PM on Sunday, January 31st, 2021

Nekorb

here's my thoughts that can maybe help you see things differently. Is G5 on your level? I think you're giving him so much grace/leeway because he has potential but there is NOTHING wrong with wanting a person who is simply more in line with you. Put another way your standards aren't too high if you can meet them yourself.

I wish you well with your healing journey.

FBS now surviving and thriving
2 kiddos born 2011 & 2014
"If a woman steals your husband, she might as well steal your shoes too, because one day she'll be walking in them." #karma

posts: 905   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2015   ·   location: Michigan
id 8629433
default

Karmafan ( member #53810) posted at 5:12 PM on Sunday, February 7th, 2021

Hi Nekorb, just wondering how you are doing? You haven’t been much on here, hoping you are ok...

Me 47
XWH Irrelevant
D-day 23 Feb 16
3 amazing, resilient kids

You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop

posts: 632   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8631338
default

little turtle ( member #15584) posted at 1:51 PM on Tuesday, February 9th, 2021

Checking in for an update.

Failure is success if we learn from it.

posts: 5490   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2007   ·   location: michigan
id 8631747
default

WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 12:12 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Bump

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 15130   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8725682
default

 nekorb (original poster member #40306) posted at 2:44 AM on Saturday, March 26th, 2022

Hello, SI Peeps!

I know it has been a looong while since I posted in this thread. I wanted to give y’all the really good update.

At the time of the last post, G5 and I had a serious conversation. I went into it with the idea that I could very well come out on the other side without G5, but there were things that had to be addressed, as you know.

Here is the cliff note version update:

As I suspected, G5’s FOO was physically and emotionally abusive, and he has made the decision to let the relationship fade away, as they are toxic. Almost the same situation with his son that I have not met, minus the physical abuse. G5 has been watching from afar, and sadly his son’s behavior in other situations continues to be unhealthy and not something that G5 is willing to tolerate or invite into our lives. Maybe someday.

As it relates to my son, G5 is adamant that it is not a dislike for my son as a person, but a dislike of some of his actions (typical 20-something antics - harmless) which would not endear his own child to him either! Lol G5 went to great lengths to attend a really important event in my son’s life, and tolerated asshat’s presence without drama(thankfully we didn’t have any face to face interaction, which I was happy about as well).

Since our talk, G5 has let down his guard, and encouraged and fostered a family atmosphere with all of our children. Most recently, my DD’s husband had a cancer diagnosis and required emergent surgery. G5 was working out of state and was SO upset by this. He said he would tell his boss he had to leave and go to DD’s immediately if she needed him (she lives an hour from me, and was several hours from G5), was worried DD would not be able to help DSIL after this surgery because she isn’t strong enough, wouldn’t be able to lift him, there would be things DSIL needed that she wouldn’t be able to do, etc. He has taken me on surprise visits to my parents, and has suggested opportunities for family get togethers that I didn’t think of. He has two family members that live near me that we have started getting together with regularly. Our children have met (all except one - logistics issues), and it was no big deal and went really well.

We are talking about building a home. Together. If we do not build, we will purchase something. Together.

His actions have been consistent and have never wavered, not even a little bit. He is in for the long haul, until death do we part. He knows I am in for the long haul. We’ve had many conversations about what to call each other because bf and gf seem middle school, but we don’t plan to be married, but plan to be together for our lifetimes. (Suggestions welcome!)

He is a tender-hearted man, despite his gruff exterior. I can hardly wait to see him with our grandkids someday. Some little person is going to have him wrapped around their tiny finger. It will be hilarious!

We’ve been together 5.5 years now. He makes me laugh, he’s my place of rest, we never run out of things to talk about, we have adventures…our time together is so easy. (…and the sex remains awesome!)

I’m just really happy and I wanted to let y’all know. Thanks for always being here. grin

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

posts: 5697   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2013
id 8725978
default

MelisssaZZZ ( member #25953) posted at 9:54 PM on Tuesday, April 26th, 2022

So happy to hear it !

Here on this site we are all conditioned to see and expect the worst and unfortunately most of the times that’s how it is.

Soooo nice to see the opposite and something which is working out positively.

Happy for both of you!

Me BS - 40
WH 42
1 child - 9y
married 5 yrs, together 7
DD1 midmarch 09
DD2 early june 09
some more DD's of course - cannot bother to list

Status: Divorced Oct 2011

Him: not with OW anymore. She grew up and ditched him..

posts: 1669   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2009   ·   location: London, UK
id 8732149
default

homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 3:54 AM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

So happy to hear this!!

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5403   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8733226
default

morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 7:49 AM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

The man you love not liking your son should be a deal breaker. That is above and beyond all of the other red flags that you described: that he refuses to be civil to your ex who you are civil to; that he ignored his own son's attempt to build a bridge and also didn't tell you about it; that he has no relationship with his parents because they don't "praise" him enough.

He sounds like a narcissist, frankly. Even if he isn't, the fact remains that your boyfriend disliking your son should be a dealbreaker. Do you think your son doesn't know how your boyfriend feels? If you stay with this guy, your own relationship with your son will suffer.

Don't choose a lover over your own son. It isn't worth it.

posts: 174   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8733245
default

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:00 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

I get that 29 year olds are challenging.

Kids know when they are not liked or wanted.

Kids come first. Period.

Frankly I would be very suspect of anyone who didn’t like my kids.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11901   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8733258
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20220428 2002-2022 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy