Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: Helena67

Just Found Out :
Wife of 20 yrs caught cheating

Topic is Sleeping.

Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 9:05 PM on Monday, January 18th, 2021

Have you backed up or saved the recordings from the VAR?

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8626204

BigNoob ( member #75807) posted at 5:46 AM on Tuesday, January 19th, 2021

Hopefully, this therapist is good. Is this an in-person meeting or on zoom in the car?

posts: 207   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2020
id 8626328

 CM70 (original poster member #76077) posted at 3:04 PM on Tuesday, January 19th, 2021

Good Morning, responding to a few of the previous comments/questions. Yes she went to the infidelity counselor yesterday in person and from what I could tell it went well. My WW did say the counselor called her out on the infidelity, and basically said she was chasing the Unicorn and it was not a real relationship as there are no kids, mortgage, etc. The counselor also said she needed to change her lifestyle & cut out and contact with the group she was going out with that created this escape from her family/life. Of course she has heard the same thing from me, but coming from this counselor it reinforces everything I have told her. Also the counselor told her it was on her to show me that she would do everything she could to show me her remorse, and how bad she hurt me and that she needed to rebuild my trust by her actions. So we will see how that develops.

Concerning the VAR, yes I have them downloaded to my computer which the wife does not know the password to. I will either delete eventually or move it the cloud, but it's probably better if I get rid of them? I have the paperwork from the lawyer, so I will get started on that. I will be traveling this week for work so I will be offline for awhile. I am feeling better physically & mentally as things are least moving forward.

[This message edited by CM70 at 9:08 AM, January 19th (Tuesday)]

posts: 103   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8626383

thatbpguy ( member #58540) posted at 3:23 PM on Tuesday, January 19th, 2021

As well as the new counselor is starting off, were it me I'd hold on to those VAR's. You've mined some pretty good data and it shows you her true intentions/thoughts she seems to hide from you. At least for the short term. best to find out now which way she really wants to go.

And, yes, protect those recordings!!

ME: BH Her: WW DDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I left; Divorced Remarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4480   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8626392

BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 3:45 PM on Tuesday, January 19th, 2021


Great news. It sounds like your wife finally has a no nonsense counselor that is giving excellent advice/input. How did your wife react? Do you think she had an "ah hah" moment or is she still mulling it over? I think you'll get confirmation once you check the VARs once you return from your trip.

I suggest you place a VAR in your basement while you're gone since she may use that room to make some calls in your absence.

posts: 244   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8626398

 CM70 (original poster member #76077) posted at 5:29 PM on Tuesday, January 19th, 2021

BlueRas, I think she responded well as she was again apologizing for the hell she has put me through and knows it is on her for any possible R. To hear the same things I have been trying to tell her probably reinforces that she is/was in fantasy land from the "expert".

The VARS are in place as well as GPS on her vehicle so I guess we will see how she reacts with me out of town.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8626436

nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 6:16 PM on Tuesday, January 19th, 2021

Good luck, CM70. You being out of town will be the real test to see if she reaches out to OM or not.

posts: 5144   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8626449

Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 6:22 PM on Tuesday, January 19th, 2021

You are doing well. Hopefully this is becoming very real for her.

But the truth is it’s gonna take a long time, years, before she can convince you that this man is no longer in her heart. Some may be able to stay with someone who clearly loves someone else, but I couldn’t.

I hope this IC can help her clearly see what this man truly is, a piece of crap.

I’ve said it here often, reconciliation does NOT start when the WS agrees to do the work to fix themselves and help their spouse heal. No, the process of reconciliation only STARTS when that work is near completely done.

So don’t take these initial steps to be equal to the start of rebuilding. She’s not even pointed in your direction yet, let alone taking steps toward you. Her going to the IC is a good first action, but you have no control with how she uses what she is hearing from him.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3438   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8626452

 CM70 (original poster member #76077) posted at 7:20 PM on Tuesday, January 19th, 2021

Stevesn, you are right this is not a quick fix process. That is the rub, I don't know if I want to waste any more of my time? I don't feel like the last twenty years were a waste because I thought it was really good and I got two (2) great kids out of it.

My oldest brother died at 57 from a rare lung cancer, now my sister at 64 is fighting the same cancer. (Neither smoked) Although I have been tested for this cancer mutation, & on paper I don't have it but to say I am not nervous about a shortened life span I would be lying. Life is short, which I have told my WW why should I give you anymore of my time haven't you taken enough?

posts: 103   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8626469

BlueRaspberry ( member #76065) posted at 8:08 PM on Tuesday, January 19th, 2021


Sorry to hear about your family’s issues with cancer. I completely understand your angst about a potentially shortened life span. No one would want to spend that time trying to fix a broken spouse.

However, I would definitely allow the new IC some time to work with your wife. You’ve been at this for about six weeks and only just found an IC that has their act together. Give yourself some time to monitor her progress and continue exercising, eating well, and getting plenty of sleep. You never know, she might respond really well to the IC, come out of her fog, and earn the right to become your life partner again. If it doesn’t work well, you’ll have given her every chance to succeed while setting yourself up for your new chapter in life.

I wish you all the best in your journey. You’re handling this remarkably well.

posts: 244   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8626484

guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 8:13 PM on Tuesday, January 19th, 2021

It's sad that your WW needed to hear the truth from someone else to be convinced. But it's not surprising, i tought the same yesterday.Upon your writing that your WW seems to be seeking approval from her mother, I would write that it would be better for you to talk to her mother and sister instead of talking directly to your WW to be persuasive. And it won't be very effective to talk these issues with them directly either. Instead, it's much more useful to get them to understand your opinions in seemingly spontaneous conversations. Just as you find more believable what you heard in VAR than what your WW said directly, it's a little different of course. They should know/feel and also let your WW know that in the slightest negativity, like breaking NC, you will be done and going to file.

The effects of these are very different:

- I'm done, i'm going to D.

- Your Husband says he is done and going to D.

- I saw/talked to your husband today, he seemed desperate and i felt like he is done and seriously considering divorce.

It is too early to talk about the results of the meeting with the counselor. Will see if she wakes up from the affaire fog. There is a possibility that it still doesn't happen, emotions don't disappear immediately.

And remember, even if everything goes well, the point you will reach is deciding whether to stay in this marriage or not. After all these struggles of your WW with herself, her desicion to continue the marriage won't be something to be grateful for. Making this decision shouldn't be so difficult, time consuming, and taking the opinions of others.

posts: 637   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8626488

Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 9:24 PM on Tuesday, January 19th, 2021

I think we are all saying similar things and are on the same page. Many medium to long timers here will tell you that I am all for reconciliation when both partners are All In.

The problem is that even with two partners who are very motivated to rebuild reconciliation after infidelity it’s very difficult at best. But from what you know CM, you don’t even have someone close to ready to let go of her Affair Partner. Letting go doesn’t entail just going NC. More importantly it requires she let him go from her heart. The words you have overheard show she has a long road ahead to make that happen.

And every day that goes by, where she shows you that her lover is on an equal or even higher footing than you are, it gets more difficult for you to get over the fact that the one person in the world who was supposed to be, who vowed to be, always on your side and to make you number 1 in her life, did not, and could not do that.

So yes, if you want to give her time with the IC, do so to the extent you can. But realize as you have stated that the fact that she didn’t immediately denounce the POSOM and beg for your forgiveness and clearly state she is ALL IN with you will forever have an impact on your relationship going forward.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 5:58 PM, January 19th (Tuesday)]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3438   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8626521

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 9:39 AM on Wednesday, January 20th, 2021

The VARs will most likely keep giving you the clarity you are seeking, especially now that you're going out of town. Since you have a GPS on her car, if I was in your shoes I would probably have a PI on stand by in case she decides to meet with POSOM while you are away, remember VARs do not catch texting and are limited to where you place them, she could contact him from her job, use a friend's phone etc.

Hiring a PI is not illegal and they are often used by those who can afford them. The footage in a public place or of her going and coming out of his home could prove useful during D negotiations (yes we've seen that too), that's if you can afford it of course, "an image is worth a thousand words", to me money well spent to give you even more clarity one way or the other, heck you could even catch her making out with POSOM in his driveway, going to a motel or her rejecting POSOM as he approaches her while going to her car.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 3:44 AM, January 20th (Wednesday)]

posts: 2611   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8626668

Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 11:20 AM on Wednesday, January 20th, 2021

Sorry but have her served D and get a legal separation order. As she is having issues I would go full custody of the children.

This will drain the fluff out of unicorn fart land.

One day at a time.


posts: 1230   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8626672

Browsing41 ( new member #72237) posted at 5:12 AM on Thursday, January 21st, 2021


I know you are trying to work through weather or not to reconcile with your wife but the real truth is that she is also on the fence about reconciliation. The Var proves this much is true. The only reason you have the Truth is because of the Var.

I would keep the Var in place and would only remove if you without any doubt decided to divorce.

The Var is the only way to know if your getting the Truth.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2019
id 8626892

Newlifeisgreat ( member #71308) posted at 4:05 PM on Thursday, January 21st, 2021

Life is short, which I have told my WW why should I give you anymore of my time haven't you taken enough?

Think you nailed it perfectly right here!!!

It seems that it it commonly accepted that it takes 3 to 5 years, THREE TO FIVE YEARS, to recover from a spouses infidelity. And since she is still in the affair because they are still communicating, the clock hasn’t even started.

It seems as if she is still lining up the best deal she can get for her. If you divorce. She’ll just go to him.

I obviously have no idea of what is going on in her head, but it certainly is not remorse.

I think the questions you should ask yourself at this point are

“what will it take for you NOT to file?”

“Are there any dealbreakers for you?” For instance, “if she does _______, I will file immediately?”

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 679   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8626946

Westway ( member #71747) posted at 5:38 PM on Thursday, January 21st, 2021

I will either delete eventually or move it the cloud, but it's probably better if I get rid of them?



My oldest brother died at 57 from a rare lung cancer, now my sister at 64 is fighting the same cancer. (Neither smoked) Although I have been tested for this cancer mutation, & on paper I don't have it but to say I am not nervous about a shortened life span I would be lying. Life is short, which I have told my WW why should I give you anymore of my time haven't you taken enough?

This is the first smart thing I've seen you write in a while.

[This message edited by Westway at 11:44 AM, January 21st (Thursday)]

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8626981

LostOpportunities20 ( member #74401) posted at 6:05 PM on Thursday, January 21st, 2021

Life is short, which I have told my WW why should I give you anymore of my time haven't you taken enough?

Regarding my own difficulties processing a long ago betrayal, I have been screaming this in my head for months now!

Its worse for you because it is recent/ongoing.

Brother - own your life and do what is good for what you can to make yourself happy and healthy

BH (late 40s)
WW (late 40s) EA 2008, EA/probably PA 2009

Confessed the first, I caught her the second.

Filing for D

posts: 175   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2020
id 8626988

unsearch ( new member #75393) posted at 1:24 AM on Sunday, January 24th, 2021

CM70 – your story is brutal. I truly respect your faith and determination to do what’s right for your family. That said, I feel like you’re putting yourself through a lot of unnecessary hell.

We’re all individuals, and our experiences are different. The only advice I can offer is what worked best for me, and hope you can cherry-pick something from all of our approaches that will help you through this.

My wife and I are still married, but I committed hard to D after D-day. I made no secret of it, moved into a spare bedroom, and turned into a gray rock when I was around her. It was the best move I could have made. I felt as if I’d stepped out of a bumper car onto solid ground. Our relationship had deteriorated badly for the previous year, but suddenly I was in much less pain. I stopped overreacting to the things she said or did and had a sense of taking back control of my life.

I won’t go into details about why we’re still together, my story’s in my profile, but I wanted to let you know that it’s possible to rebuild if circumstances change later.

“I am D you. I’m sorry it has come to this but you left me no other choice. I have nothing left to give to this marriage. You are free to be with the OW or anyone else you choose.”

Divorce is two-factored. It’s the business factor and the emotional factor. When you tell your wife you are divorcing you fire her. She is released from the role as wife. The process of filing and all that – it’s the business factor. You deal with the emotional factors yourself and without your attorneys.

What is it you hope to hear on the VAR?

Is there anything she can say to anyone else that would make you change your mind?

If she doesn’t break NC would you stop the divorce? It’s not as if you can divorce her less or divorce her twice. Its either D or no D.

I agree with Bigger and The1stWife. Tell your cheating wife that you’re done, and she’s free to do as she pleases. Emotionally detach and pursue D like it’s the only option. You have proof, so ask no more questions and gather no more information. If she comes back to earth and is genuinely remorseful, and you’re both interested in R, then you can look into taking steps to restore your trust. If she stays on her island, leave her behind and move forward with your new life.

I don’t know what else to say. I feel for you. I hope this works out as is best for you and your family.

[This message edited by unsearch at 7:23 PM, January 24th (Sunday)]

"...optimist about the day after tomorrow."

posts: 29   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2020   ·   location: Colorado
id 8627634

MountainGuy ( new member #75436) posted at 9:34 PM on Wednesday, January 27th, 2021

CM70 You doing ok?

posts: 49   ·   registered: Sep. 15th, 2020
id 8628365
Topic is Sleeping.
Cookies on®® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20220809a 2002-2022® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy