I hate affair fog. Usually we see and talk about affair fog regarding how the WS behaves and thinks. This is one of the main reasons we strongly suggest making the affair real. Busting the fantasy and making it clear to the WS that we do not accept the infidelity and that they have a relatively simple choice – see if we allow them to tag along out of infidelity or remain behind.
I can fully accept you divorce. I have always been clear on that. You don’t have to list your reasons for why you think it’s your best option and we all have our definition of the line that can’t be crossed. But please don’t enter the BH version of infidelity fog where you talk like you want D but act like you want the marriage.
The options infidelity gives us are relatively simple, but we all 100% acknowledge the implementation is hard and tough. This is maybe where I disagree most with those that suggest you just divorce because there are plenty more women out there. The emotional aspect of your decision and choice remains, although the logical aspect (refuse to be in infidelity) is quite clear and easy.
Going out for a family dinner… that’s sending mixed signals.
Are you divorcing or are you not divorcing?
Other than talk to your attorney have you started working on the list he should have given you?
Since you let your family and stakeholders in the marriage know of her affair have you shared that you are divorcing?
Have you two discussed how and when to tell the kids?
Have you two started the discussion of residence during the transmission period?
Is there anything WW can say or do that will change your mind?
I am guessing you never mentioned the VAR’s with your attorney. He will definitely concur with my view on them.
Try to see it this way: By telling your wife you are divorcing it’s comparable to telling a staff-member he’s fired for consistently oversleeping and arriving an hour too late to work. Once you fire him it’s no longer your responsibility, task, concern or even role to worry if he oversleeps at his next job. Once you fire him, he can get a job at a competitor or start looking around for another job.
The guy who constantly overslept? You could keep him around for the 2 weeks-notice.
If you told him that you would reconsider if he was on time each and every day, then maybe he would be there at 7:50 and work his butt off for the next two weeks. Maybe not. If you told him he was out no matter what… there really isn’t much you can do if he arrives late and leaves early. This is why companies usually just terminate the employment there and then.
Divorce is two-factored. It’s the business factor and the emotional factor. When you tell your wife you are divorcing you fire her. She is released from the role as wife. The process of filing and all that – it’s the business factor. You deal with the emotional factors yourself and without your attorneys.
What is it you hope to hear on the VAR?
Is there anything she can say to anyone else that would make you change your mind?
If she doesn’t break NC would you stop the divorce? It’s not as if you can divorce her less or divorce her twice. Its either D or no D.
What is it that the VAR can get you that could outweigh the possible legal implications of getting caught? Date of filing isn’t the issue. Somebody mentioned false DV charges and I definitely recommend you carry a VAR on you, but once this becomes a pure business negotiation (ie. Divorce) her attorney and/or the judge can consider illegal recordings as DV.
Remember – you fired her. You told her you are divorcing, and you have set those wheels in motion. She CAN break NC if that’s what she wants, just like in the example I mentioned the fired employee can oversleep once he’s off your clock.
What I fear is this – and it’s very common with BS here on SI:
You told your wife you were firing her when in fact you are giving her final notice…
I think clear messages always outweigh unclear messages.