Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Wife of 20 yrs caught cheating

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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 8:38 AM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

Her Mom texts me often saying that this is not the daughter she knows & she is in a breakdown but does not recognize it.

Her mother is looking out for herself and her daughter. You, not so much.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8630432
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DoinBettr ( Member #71209) posted at 10:05 AM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

This whole "He knows too much" is why you are told not to disclose your sources.

Every WS tries to know all the possible sources of information pertaining to affair details before they admit to anything. With all the lying, they have an incredibly hard time keeping their story straight. If they know your sources, they think they can control your information instead of trying to use the fact that you see and hear everything as a reason to be honest 100% of the time going forward.

I do like hearing that her IC is kicking her ass. So few want to say tough love topics like this one sounds like she is digging into.

As far as the night out where you ended up being the last 2 drinking together. If you are still entertaining R, you should disclose how that went in advance. The reason being that it could be an example of how she should tell you of potentially misunderstood boundaries crossing. Just state it as part of casual conversation. "I had drinks with X, Y, Z last night. Everyone else left so just me and Z stayed and chatted." Just because she is an attractive female doesn't mean you have poor boundaries like your wife. Although I will say be careful with this. I know my boundaries got a little dicey right after my wife's affair.

posts: 591   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2019   ·   location: Midwest
id 8630436
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oldtruck ( Member #62540) posted at 1:45 PM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

as the group leaves deciding to stay alone with another woman

and continue drinking is not having poor boundaries it is not

having any boundaries.

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8630456
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oldtruck ( Member #62540) posted at 1:45 PM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

D P

[This message edited by oldtruck at 7:46 AM, February 4th (Thursday)]

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8630457
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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 2:19 PM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

Yes her Mom is going to stick with her daughter no matter what. She (WW Mom) is not taking her side she has told her point blank what you did is wrong and you are headed for a mental breakdown & Divorce if you don't pull your head out. She is trying to help her work through this, she really wants the WW & I to stay together.

Concerning my co-worker I had been out with this group many times before & like I said we are friends & nothing more. Since I have been going out with my friends way more than usual I think my WW was paranoid & was looking up her profile on FB. These were never issues in our past as I trusted her & she trusted me. Obviously that trust has been broken...

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8630468
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Westway ( Member #71747) posted at 2:22 PM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

She found the GPS in her car after one of her friends said "he knows to much" so they went through the car & found it.

So her wingwoman has been coaching her. Is this woman out of her life yet? I would make it a condition of reconciliation that she ditch this "friend" for good.

Concerning my co-worker I had been out with this group many times before & like I said we are friends & nothing more. Since I have been going out with my friends way more than usual I think my WW was paranoid & was looking up her profile on FB.

Good. Let her sweat on it.

[This message edited by Westway at 8:23 AM, February 4th (Thursday)]

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8630470
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KingofNothing ( Member #71775) posted at 2:37 PM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

What Westway said. You don't have to defend yourself. The whole universe doesn't work by her standards. "I'm not you" is the perfect response-- although I wouldn't temper it to be insulting either, just a statement of fact.

As for the GPS. Well, isn't her friend precious. I would reengage the GPS and hide it even better next time. Does it work in the trunk? Put it under the spare tire, she'll never find it. The whole point of GPS is that YOU DON'T TRUST HER. That's a consequence of her behavior and actions. Too damned bad-- that's how life will be goign forward, at least for a while. Trust is earned, not owed.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
----------------------------------
“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

posts: 769   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2019   ·   location: East Coast USA
id 8630474
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onthebeach61 ( New Member #77247) posted at 2:41 PM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

Of course she is concern with you having drinks with a female coworker, in the cheater's mind there can only be one cheater in the family and so she is concern that you will cheat on her and that is unacceptable in her mind.

Not that you are even interested in cheating but in her mind she is afraid you will level the playing field. It is hypocrisy at it's purest.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2021   ·   location: Austin
id 8630475
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 2:46 PM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

I agree the "wingwoman" like Westway called her needs to go, your WW is being coached by a toxic friend, your WW needs to be vulnerable and show she's willing to make sacrifices, after her huge betrayal she knows she destroyed the trust you had in her and should graciously allow the GPS in her car, I have seen many times here where other WSs even offer to be tracked either by GPS and/or cellphone app to put their BS's mind at ease.

Now that she knows you're no longer tracking her, I would put the GPS back in her car, and like King of Nothing mentioned, hide it better this time.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 8:50 AM, February 4th (Thursday)]

posts: 2412   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8630478
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 3:26 PM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

Now that she knows you're no longer tracking her, I would put the GPS back in her car, and like King of Nothing mentioned, hide it better this time.

I’d go the opposite route. Tell her if she really wants a shot at R she needs to start rebuilding trust. The only way for you to validate that is to watch her actions over time and see that they match her words. Her giving you a window to her actions will speed the process. As well as reinstalling the GPS she needs to be transparent with all of her devices, no passwords you don’t know and no deleting. She hands them over for checking without hesitation and even insists you check if something the least bit suspicious happens.

This isn’t a long term solution, but she’s the one who destroyed the trust between you, so she needs to get off her ass and hammer together some kind of jury rigged facsimile to take it’s place in the short term.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8630498
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DoinBettr ( Member #71209) posted at 6:58 PM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

as the group leaves deciding to stay alone with another woman

and continue drinking is not having poor boundaries it is not

having any boundaries.

Seriously OT?

You can't spend time with the opposite sex without it crossing lines? You do know we are in the 21st century? Men and women can have drinks together without it being cheating. After someone cheats they shouldn't do this, but the BH isn't a cheater.

posts: 591   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2019   ·   location: Midwest
id 8630549
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BigNoob ( Member #75807) posted at 7:44 PM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

She found the GPS in her car after one of her friends said "he knows to much" so they went through the car & found it.

Did she leave the GPS in the car after she found it or took it out? Or did she get rid of the GPS?

This friend has to go soon as possible. I lived with a cheater roommate, they always shared with me about their affairs and encouraged me to cheat. Not a good influence to have around you.

[This message edited by BigNoob at 3:43 PM, February 4th (Thursday)]

posts: 207   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2020
id 8630560
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 10:28 PM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

I’d go the opposite route. Tell her if she really wants a shot at R she needs to start rebuilding trust. The only way for you to validate that is to watch her actions over time and see that they match her words. Her giving you a window to her actions will speed the process. As well as reinstalling the GPS she needs to be transparent with all of her devices, no passwords you don’t know and no deleting

That's certainly something she should have done before but apparently she didn't because she didn't want to, plus if she knows she's been monitored via GPS, she will not use her car to meet with POSOM, if she thinks she's no longer being tracked because she already found the GPS (provided it was indeed removed), she may use it if she decides to meet him somewhere. At this point OP needs to know what she's thinking (VAR) or where she's going in her car (GPS) when she thinks no one is watching/monitoring her, if OP decides to D and doesn't contemplate R then there's no longer need for any of it.

posts: 2412   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8630603
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jadedangel ( Member #26979) posted at 11:13 PM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

GPS is moot in my opinion as OP has stated that he has tracking via her cellphone that she is still unaware of.

Divorced 2007.
EXWH died 2011
Remarried 2018!

posts: 637   ·   registered: Dec. 30th, 2009   ·   location: Central City
id 8630611
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 11:31 PM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

CM70,

You mentioned earlier that “She is saying the right things but I am very jaded at this point with her and the whole situation. I will update more this weekend on that.”

Can you elaborate? I know that you had to pull the VARs recently, but are the things she is telling you consistent with her other private conversations? I am curious as to whether there is still a disconnect.

Sounds like she is starting to come out of the fog, which is consistent with the symptoms of a “breakdown” where fantasy starts to clash with reality. Although I am sure you are frustrated with the whole situation, this may actually be good news. If she continues to receive positive reinforcement, she may start to make real progress. It may be worth it to give her 1-2 months to determine how well she is progressing.

Did you ever give a post-nup consideration? Not sure what the legal situation is in your state, but its probably worth discussing with your attorney. If she wants R and it is progressing slowly, a post-nup may give you the financial reassurance to be more patient. For example, you may be able to eliminate the possibility of alimony, shield your 401k, etc.

Stay strong. You’re doing great!

[This message edited by BlueRaspberry at 5:51 PM, February 4th (Thursday)]

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8630614
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 11:59 PM on Thursday, February 4th, 2021

GPS is moot in my opinion as OP has stated that he has tracking via her cellphone that she is still unaware of.

I was thinking about it more as means of rebuilding trust. If she wants R, she should gladly accept a means of proving her actions match her words. If she refuses, well, guess she’s not down for R.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8630617
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SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 2:37 AM on Friday, February 5th, 2021

I have been going out about twice a week, which kind of made her nervous.

Atta boy. Shit's getting real for her.

If you do reconcile, you might want to consider going out weekly without her. She's grown far too confident that you're in her back pocket.

If you haven't received this advice yet, get a new hairstyle, new clothes, and dress to nines for work and when you go out. New improved you, don't need to rub it in her face, but your wife will see this. If your marriage goes sideways you'll want to be putting your best foot forward for dating, get your best foot forward now.

posts: 344   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8630662
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 8:40 AM on Friday, February 5th, 2021

I can roughly track her through phone within a block or two anyway with my family plan. (she doesn't know that)

Seems like the GPS was/is more accurate than that but maybe the way you are tracking her now is accurately enough, it could be that the GPS has access to different or more satellites and therefore was/is more accurate, who knows.

posts: 2412   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8630688
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Sharkman ( Member #56818) posted at 9:51 AM on Friday, February 5th, 2021

Ifs she’s ‘fighting’ things that you do to give yourself reassurance that she’s not cheating on you anymore you really have very, very little to work with.

She should be happy that she’s been able to prove her fidelity.

posts: 1716   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8630689
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oldtruck ( Member #62540) posted at 1:30 PM on Friday, February 5th, 2021

toxic GF has to go.

best way to get rid of toxic GF is if you can find out that she

is a WW as well and drop a time one her (to the young ones

this means call her BH).

posts: 1383   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8630724
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