SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It’s ok to ignore.

Text or email kids only. It’s your best path.

[This message edited by Marz at 2:24 AM, Friday, October 15th]

Yes, I never reach out to her if I do it's to text her about the kids. She tries to call me & text me occasionally but it's usually about the kids activities or to ask questions about everything! I no longer reply to her questions and ignore her so that has subsided mostly. She did finally get her WIFI & TV's hooked up and it was one of her work friend's husbands (who we used to hang out with) of course. He calls me and says "hey man how are you"? I say hey man "living the the dream", he laughs & goes on to say I am at WW's house and trying to hook up her TV's. I say how did you get suckered into that, he laughs again "you know how it is". Anyway told him all the parts & cables are in a bag I labeled when she moved out, which of course the WW had no idea what she was looking at. He found them, and I just said thanks & good luck!

I am still waiting on telling the kid's AP's name & who he is. Until all the D documents are final & written in blood I will keep my mouth shut to get to the finish line. Again thanks everyone for your support!

She did finally get her WIFI & TV's hooked up and it was one of her work friend's husbands

That was pretty brave of her work friend there. You stbx still needs to replace you as apparently AP is not apparently capable.

That or she is actually keeping that piece of sh#t away from the kids for now. It's just a matter of time before she tries to bring him around and I will make sure they know who he is. Hey side note got the new VP job this afternoon! Start December 1st great opportunity for me, things are looking up!

CM70, congratulations, Onward and upward

CM70,

Fantastic news! Congratulations. After all the crap you've been through, you truly deserve this. Keep fighting the good fight!

Excellent news. Congrats. You deserve it. A new job will help you focus on your future and not on the past. Good luck on your new job and new life.

I am still waiting on telling the kid's AP's name & who he is. Until all the D documents are final & written in blood I will keep my mouth shut to get to the finish line. Again thanks everyone for your support!

Good plan. The truth is always best. It will help explain your no contact with the x.

In most cases the x usually comes around playing the let’s be friends thing. Do it for the kids, etc.

Obviously she wasn’t thinking of the kids when she blew up the marriage and family. It’s all for her. Not you.

I know three who pull a very strong no contact and 2 of them have kids in grade school. All 3 say it’s the best thing they’ve done and the kids adjusted. Kids aren’t stupid and it’s never a good idea to lie to them and keep them in the dark.

Pick ups_ drop offs should only take a couple minutes. Keep holidays, birthdays, etc. separate.

She has her time and you have yours.

Definition of friend _ loyal, honest, trustworthy. She’s not your friend.

Double

[This message edited by Marz at 2:31 AM, Saturday, October 16th]

Congrats on the job and have her direct all non child related questions to AP.

Bump

CM70,

Just checking in to see how you’re doing and, if you’re so inclined, would appreciate an update on your status. You’ve handled your wife’s infidelity admirably and I think I and others would benefit from an update.

A couple months ago you mentioned your divorce would be finalized in mid-December. So, has the ink dried on the divorce decree or is it still pending?

How have your kids been dealing with the first set of holidays after separation from your wife? It must be tough for them. Hopefully they’re adjusting and/or receiving counseling to ease the transition. Assuming your divorce has been finalized, have you informed them about the OM?

How are you doing? Now that you’ve had some time separated from your wife (presumably with as little contact as possible), I hope you’re gaining some perspective on and indifference toward your wife and the marriage.

I hope you update your thread with the most recent news. Regardless, all the best.

Good Morning Everyone!

Yes I'm still around! I have been lurking a bit but the new job takes allot of time and I it has taken time to get to know my new team and company. It is going very well and much better than my last company's culture.

So to answer some of BlueRas questions (thanks again BR!), yes I am divorced finally! It ended up dragging through December and the Holidays. My EXWW continues down her dead end path with her AP. Around Christmas I had heard through my best friend's daughter (my best friend's daughter and my daughter are besties) that my daughter said I think Mom has a boyfriend because she get's a ton of texts and calls from "Verizon Support". My daughter is smart enough to figure out that "Verizon Support" is not texting & calling all the time! Could you at least be original and use like a girls name or something? The Ex is struggling mightily with a large rental payment on a house, and everything else I used to pay for and take care of. She makes OK money but she is trying to live the lifestyle she had and is figuring out that is much more difficult than she expected. I have not made a child support payment yet and she asks about that weekly, and I just text and tell her when the child support account is set up with the state I will start payments. She has asked for advanced payments since it's going to take some time, I just say no. Well I did take a dig on her the other day saying "It's rough out there in the real world isn't it Princess".

The Holidays were good with the kids and my Family. I actually had the Ex's parents over to my house for Christmas Morning. They had been coming to my house for Christmas morning since I built our new house many years ago. My Ex was pissed, but her parents told her we still consider him our son and we are going to see our Grandkids on Christmas whether you like it or not. Her parents are very good people and are just mortified of what their daughter has done. My kids are doing well I was afraid their grades would fall somewhat this last quarter with everything going on but they actually did really well which made me happy. I know it's tough on them bouncing back and forth between two homes and I do feel really bad for them. I am always there for them whenever they need something and I tell them as much that if they need anything I am just a phone call/text away. Which I know they appreciate.

I have not told my kids yet, I am just waiting until the day I hear his name then I will sit them down. Why am I waiting? I am just giving as much time as I can to settle into their new normal and this will set them back so I am just waiting. In the divorce decree is states that we cannot introduce anyone to the kids until 6 months after the separation. I wanted that to be a year but the Ex of course wanted 6 months so the AP dipshit won't have to hide in the shadows anymore. I think she really believes the kids are just going to accept him and everything is going be OK. Of course this is very selfish and delusional but that is the world she lives in. I have cut all my contact to texts & emails because I cringe when she calls because I know she wants something.

Personally I am doing really well, the new job has given be a boost and is kind of exciting building a team and having a new gig after 20 years at my last company. It's not always perfect I still carry the trauma and some of the self doubt you have after going through this horrible life event. As the months go by I get stronger and it gets easier. As I get further away from DDay I can see that my Ex treated me very poorly and it was always about her needs & wants and I would just get the scraps.

I have been dating which is fun, I have a "friend" I hang out with about once a week or so. She is a Doctor, and has a very busy schedule as well. She is smart, beautiful and has her life together. Neither of us want anything real serious, and said if we continue seeing each other it would be at least a year before we would even consider introducing the kids to the relationship. I am very gun shy about getting into anything serious as I have come to enjoy my new freedom of getting back into my hobbies and of course working out. Getting ready to fill my 300G saltwater reef tank in the basement! I have had aquariums since I was 18 and this is/was always the dream to have as large as I could handle reef tank. I am setting up travel as well, going to Scottsdale to March to hang out with my old college buddies. Also looking at taking the kids to Hawaii this summer, was supposed to renew my vows on our 20th anniversary in Hawaii but that never happened! Anyway I am still grinding and moving forward. To any of you out there just learning or struggling with new found infidelity in your life all I can say is just keep pushing forward it will get better with time!

[This message edited by CM70 at 4:00 PM, Thursday, February 3rd]

You are doing well. I was in your position 16 years ago. Like you, with distance and perspective, I came to realize that my XW' s narcissism was pervasive in our marriage, not just as it related to infidelity. Amazing what I thought I had to tolerate.

The Ex is struggling mightily with a large rental payment on a house, and everything else I used to pay for and take care of. She makes OK money but she is trying to live the lifestyle she had and is figuring out that is much more difficult than she expected. 

Don't worry about this. Wuv conquers all.

Thanks for the update. Your experience will help the next victim of infidelity.stay in touch.

CM70,

You have really recovered well from the events of this past year. Well done!

It should be interesting to see how your XW responds to the new financial realities. If she is struggling to meet a house rental, it doesn’t sound like she’ll ever get to purchase a house herself. She can’t bank on never-ending child support payments that stop once the children reach 18 years of age. Since you had to give up 50% of your home’s value and will be paying child support, it sounds odd that she is already having financial problems. Maybe she’s holding on to the nest egg you ponied up from your home to eventually buy a place of her own but that sounds like way too much pre-planning given her history. If her current burn-rate is outpacing her salary, I can see why she wants the child support payments.

Do you think she plans to move in with, or God forbid marry, the AP after the 6 month mark post-divorce? That would eliminate her house rental payment and allow her to spend more money on the lifestyle she enjoys. I think you mentioned the AP lives in a smaller house and already has some kids, so that would likely be difficult. Not to mention, it would make their fantasy life much more real and unpalatable very fast. I would recommend you sit down with your kids around the 5 month mark post-divorce (May?) and let them know who the AP is so they’re prepared for the inevitable introduction. I cannot believe she isn’t planning to introduce them at some point and she may not even wait the 6 months you agreed upon. She should not be given the opportunity to re-write the marital history about the AP with your kids.

I love the idea of the reef tank you plan to install. it sounds like you’re really creating a life that focuses on you and enriching your life. I wish you all the best.

[This message edited by BlueRaspberry at 5:56 PM, Thursday, February 3rd]

Yes Jb3199 "Wuv conquers all", except it doesn't pay the bills!

BlueRas, yes she sucks with money, budgeting, financial planning, basically anything to do with money. I have not given her the 50% equity in the house yet but she thinks that will go a long way, it wont. She has a shiny new credit card and I am sure that thing already has wear marks on it the way she used mine! The AP is her "soulmate" so I am sure she is thinking marriage down the road if he happens to stick around. She has a two year lease on her house so it will be a while before she would move in with the AP or buy her own house. I don't really care to be honest, but would fight for the kids to just move in with me 100% (if that's what they wanted) I don't see me getting married again I am just set up to well to retire early. She took a chunk out of my personal wealth but a lot was protected in a Trust she could not touch. (long story) I could have a long term monogamous relationship but I now look at a marriage as a really bad contract that involves the State. No thanks!!! It's sad what marriage is becoming these days, my parents were married 63 years and I guarantee my Mom never even thought about stepping out on my Dad.

The ExWW continues to gaslight, and tell tall tales around town (rewriting history). I have told her that I will tell my truth to everyone which kills her inside. The majority of our friends now stay away from her and have nothing to do with her. She has isolated herself to her work friends (who don't know the truth) and her cheater's club who all have cheated on their spouses and some that are married & continue to cheat.

[This message edited by CM70 at 9:55 PM, Thursday, February 3rd]

CM70,

OK. That makes more sense. So, she's living beyond her means at the moment and wants the child support to make up the difference or help alleviate her burn rate. Given how you've described her, I would predict that once she gets the money from the house, she will NOT sit on it for two years to help purchase a new home. Rather, she'll spend a chunk of it to maintain her lifestyle. Doesn't sound like your kids have to worry about potentially living with AP for at least 2 years, assuming he is still around, so that is good news. I would fight like hell to prevent that if she ever proposes such an arrangement. Hope it never comes to that.

You know the dynamics better than anyone else, but I would still inform your kids about the AP ahead of the 6 month timeframe for introducing new partners. If she is continuing to spread lies about what went wrong in your marriage, I have to believe you XW will try to introduce him to your kids (sooner rather than later) without the true "origin story".

Good luck!

[This message edited by BlueRaspberry at 9:41 PM, Thursday, February 3rd]