Newest Member: Lilident

Just Found Out :
Wife of 20 yrs caught cheating

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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 12:01 AM on Saturday, August 21st, 2021

Why do you equate and limited yourself with her? All this crap is her own creation.

So will she and POS be cleared after 6 months? Won't it matter then she introduce him to them? After a year, will it be okay for them to live with that POS?

I think your kids should know the truth in any situation.

posts: 476   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8684640
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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 1:24 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

Guvensiz,

The only reason I have not told the kids who he is yet is that I told her I would NOT if she did not try to introduce the kids to him. I did this to calm her down & lessen the damage to my divorce settlement, after this she was less hostile and backed off of asking for more in the settlement. I believe she is terrified that she is going to go through this entire exercise to be with this "soulmate" and it's going to blow up in her face when the kids know this is the guy that helped break their parents apart.

My kids will know the truth it's just going to be after all the papers are signed and everything is final. I don't like playing it this way but to deal with crazy, you have to play their game.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8684872
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Tigersrule77 ( Member #47339) posted at 1:39 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

CM70, I wouldn't say you are playing her game. She thinks she can control you and lie to your kids. You are being strategic by choosing when to reveal your STBXWW's lies. I'm sorry that I don't remember, but have you told your kids that you are D'ing? If so, that's a lot for kids to deal with. Depending on their age, throwing in what caused the D may be too much and it would make sense to wait. I did.

posts: 1511   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2015   ·   location: Maryland
id 8684873
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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 1:47 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

Yes the kids have known for a while we are divorcing, and they are doing OK. She is moving out of our house in a couple weeks, (Thank God) so that will be the start of them living in two separate homes. When I say "playing her game", I am just telling her what she wants to hear so I can lessen the damage. You are correct though she still thinks she can try to control the narrative, but that's not going to happen. It is going to be tough telling them the guy your Mom continues to have an affair/relationship is the guy she wants to bring into your life. That will be her cross to bear not mine.

[This message edited by CM70 at 3:04 PM, Monday, August 23rd]

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8684874
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scaredwoman ( Member #78680) posted at 4:21 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

My kids will know the truth it's just going to be after all the papers are signed and everything is final

I didn't have to tell my kids anything...they figured it out on their own either by seeing STBXWH with AP or hearing conversations.

posts: 153   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8684911
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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 5:11 PM on Monday, August 23rd, 2021

Scared, yes you are probably right on that. I have had many of my friends tell me the same thing, saying your kids aren't stupid they are much more intuitive then we give them credit for.

[This message edited by CM70 at 5:11 PM, Monday, August 23rd]

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8684922
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 3:03 AM on Tuesday, August 24th, 2021

Scared, yes you are probably right on that. I have had many of my friends tell me the same thing, saying your kids aren't stupid they are much more intuitive then we give them credit for.

Yes that's often true but don't just rely on that and make sure they KNOW the truth right after the D ink is dry.

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8685054
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longsadstory1952 ( Member #29048) posted at 3:05 AM on Tuesday, August 24th, 2021

Well, as you wind this down, a couple of thoughts. First, theOM sounds like the kind of guy that everyone pretends to like but secretly despises. Dressing like Uncle Sam, forsooth! grin At two inches shorter than your wife, they are going to be the couple everyone stares at when they walk into a room. He is a "handyman" who lives in a a house 1/4 the size of yours. And he is afraid of you. Your kids are going to pick this up in a heartbeat and will hold him in contempt. 10 to 1 your wife ends up dropping him in less than a year.

Which brings on point two. Your wife has been acting like a rebellious teen. With 45 years packed on her used ass, 2 kids who are prepared to hate whoever she brings around, and the rep of a cheat, there is not a whole lot of quality guys who will be beating down her door. Her time of acting like a cougar are coming to an end.

You on the other hand, having worked out for 8 solid months, living in a nice house with a solid career, with two happy kids, will have more women wanting to date you than you believe possible. Trust me on this.

The trick moving forward is to not let your ex be an emotional anchor on you. She will try. She will still act like you are confidants. She will take every opportunity to make you her daddy. Shut that shit down directly.

You are gonna be fine. Do not worry.

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 3:06 AM, Tuesday, August 24th]

posts: 1057   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8685055
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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 4:20 PM on Tuesday, August 24th, 2021

Thanks everyone, yes when the time comes I will tell them the whole truth (age appropriate). Yes the STBXW is headed down a path of misery that to this day she is still clueless of what is coming her way. She was so excited to tell her Mom that she got her own rental place, and got her cell phone plan switched in her name. This is rudimentary sh*t that an 18 year old could do, but to her it's a big deal because I have always done everything for her. The AP is a joke and it will not last, my kids would never except him especially knowing what he/they did.

I am doing well and yes continue to work out. My 16 year old daughter even said the other dad you are getting ripped, which gave me a good boost! I have slowly started going on dates, and have started getting some texts & calls from women that have found out I am soon to be single. I am just trying to adjust to my new normal so taking everything slow. I appreciate everyone on this thread and the advice & guidance you have all given me. It really has been invaluable to my new path & recovery!

[This message edited by CM70 at 4:48 PM, Tuesday, August 24th]

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8685146
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 10:38 PM on Tuesday, August 24th, 2021

What (if any) interaction do you or your kids have with your wife's sister?

If I recall correctly, the sister was not a friend of your marriage.

And (very early on)encouraged your wife to pursue whatever path made her 'happy' (i.e., the OM) vs her husband & kids/family.

IMO your sister in law failed as a sister - and as an aunt to your kids.

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8685228
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MorbidCuriosity ( New Member #74928) posted at 12:00 PM on Wednesday, August 25th, 2021

As shallow as this may sound but these days single dads are hot commodity. Its like they have been vetted by the ex and the smart ones knows they are gems that should be snapped up.

With how society is nowadays where cheating is the norm, Ashely Maddison, Kik, Snap, Tinder etc. it is just dumb to let go of a parent who is single and has a history of loyalty and love.

So at the moment the only thing you can do is add value to whatever value you have already. Getting ripped is just adding points (lots).

posts: 49   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2020
id 8685307
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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 4:36 PM on Wednesday, August 25th, 2021

Robert, I have no interaction with her Sister. If you remember early on I had VAR's in play in our bedroom & my wife's car so I recorded many conversations with her & this Sister. Her Sister did actually try to talk my wife off the ledge and told her she needed to do everything possible keep trying to fix things and reconnect with me. My STBXW is the oldest so this Sister has always been in my ex's shadow. She is very quite and my wife usually runs right over her. I believe she is definitely not happy at the path & decisions my Ex made but she would never come out & tell her that. She has taken the support role in just being there for my Ex. My kids are very close to their cousins so they still go visit them & have sleepovers and hang out together. None of the rest of her family is on board with her decisions and the relationship with her parents is very strained and almost non-existent right now. I was actually invited to have dinner with her parents a couple weeks back because they took my son out & it was my day off. I met them & surprised my son since he didn't know I was coming. Of course my son was excited and went home and said I got to see Dad & he had dinner with Grandma & Grandpa! My Ex was not happy & conveyed it to her Mother, her Mother said he is like a son to us & we are not going to cut him out of our lives.

Her Biological Dad reached out to me via text telling me how sad he was and to tell me he loves me like a son. I have never talked to her Biological Dad about what went down, and my wife said she told him everything but I doubt it. I will go visit him when the ink is dry on the D papers and make sure he knows the truth. He is great guy to hang out with but if I am being honest a lot of the Ex's childhood issues were because of him.

MorbidC, yes it is strange I have women that are 10 to 15 years younger that are showing interest. You are probably right they like a stable dependable guy, and I don't look my age which helps as well.

[This message edited by CM70 at 6:09 PM, Wednesday, August 25th]

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8685351
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 10:42 PM on Wednesday, August 25th, 2021

CM70,

Just play it cool until the ink dries on the divorce decree. Once that is done, you are free. I think you are right and the AP won't last. Once the fantasy wears off and she has to deal with real life, the AP won't be so attractive. Then she'll be a 45 year old divorced woman with two kids and a history of cheating. Nice resume. She certainly won't have men 10-15 years younger interested in any kind of long-term relationship with her. It is sad she is so delusional and broken. Hope she gets help but she doesn't seem capable of understanding what she needs to do to fix herself.

posts: 214   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8685463
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BeenAfoolfor20 ( New Member #79343) posted at 3:25 AM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

Just turned 51, sent my last child away to college, and take a gut punch that my wife is a cheater. Saying Fuck her in my head about 10 times an hour is liberating. Hard to let go when your in love, but it’s the only way to get sleep and begin eating again.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2021   ·   location: Ky
id 8686175
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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 1:23 PM on Monday, August 30th, 2021

Beenafoolfor20, so you just found out your wife is cheating? So we have a lot in common I am 51 as well and was at the twenty mark when I figured things out. I am sorry your are here but this is a great place to vent and get advice from those that have already walked this path. I would suggest starting a thread to tell everyone your situation and to get advice on what your next steps are. (critical!)

CM70

[This message edited by CM70 at 1:24 PM, Monday, August 30th]

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8686197
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steadychevy ( Member #42608) posted at 7:12 PM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

Interesting you two. I was 51 when my XWW started committing adultery and married 25 years. Oldest daughter just graduated from university, middle daughter half way through and just took the youngest for her first year university over a days drive away.

This doesn't add anything to the thread but the similarities are striking.

BH(me)70; XWW 64; M 42 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, lies, lies
Separated 23/09/2017; D 16/03/2020

posts: 4658   ·   registered: Feb. 27th, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8686481
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guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 7:28 PM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

Looking at the site, it seems that most cases of cheating are in middle-aged people.
The midlife crisis stands out as a problem that needs to be taken seriously.

posts: 476   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8686486
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 10:07 PM on Tuesday, August 31st, 2021

Yes, the mid life crisis is a huge issue for the wives, especially if you add in the kids going off to college and it becomes an empty nest.

When I talked to my exWW after catching her, she was worried that he looks would go away, it was going to be her last chance (in her mind to catch back and find someone potentially), while at home, I was the breadwinner and taking care of shit. Its a time when they start wondering about their future, the meaning of life and all that nonsense. She was reading a book about the meaning of life just a few months prior.

Funny how as the breadwinner and husband out working, we don't look at shit that way. We just wanted a stable home to come home to, dinner on the table and great family life. The time when you're almost seeing the light at the end of the work tunnel and retirement and they pull this bullshit. Suffice to say, I think many of them at this point in their life suffer from self esteem and identity issues. So any player/playboy coming in to town can easily target these women. I have some college buddies who specifically target housewives, I'm no longer friends with, but its definitely a "thing".

posts: 1142   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8686519
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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 3:48 PM on Wednesday, September 1st, 2021

HalfTime, you hit the nail on the head and took the words out of my mouth. I was starting to think about retirement and all the traveling and new adventures my wife & I were going to have when the kids moved out. Without my knowledge she is having an affair, unhappy and reading books like "To Good to Leave to Bad to Stay", WTF? It is an epidemic in the suburbs, in the last 2 weeks two more of my college friends have approached me to tell me their wives want out. What are their ages you ask? Their wives are 44 & 46 (my wife is 45, see a pattern?) it's like clockwork and really sad what marriage has become. When women are initiating 70 - 80% of the divorces currently something is definitely off.

What do I tell my son when he gets to the age of wanting to marry someone? The deck is stacked against you and should really think about this because down the road she can take half your sh*t even if you are good faithful husband!?

[This message edited by CM70 at 3:57 PM, Wednesday, September 1st]

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8686609
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smolderingdark ( Member #64064) posted at 1:30 AM on Thursday, September 2nd, 2021

What do I tell my son when he gets to the age of wanting to marry someone? The deck is stacked against you and should really think about this because down the road she can take half your sh*t even if you are good faithful husband!?


Pretty much. This doesn't even touch upon false allegations utilized to get full custody or leverage in court.

posts: 130   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2018
id 8686706
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