Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
Wife of 20 yrs caught cheating

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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 9:26 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

CM70,

I agree with Marz. Focus on yourself, your physical and mental health, and finally getting out of infidelity. Once she moves out, you can go NC (with the exception of child related issues) and really start to heal. You are the prize and you'll have plenty of options once you're in a better and healthier frame of mind.

Remember, you were in a 20 year marriage that you were fully committed to and it is hard to deal with a partner that so flippantly/easily threw it all away. Consider continuing with IC to help you deal with the trauma of the infidelity not to mention all the other issues you confronted last year. You are a good person and should hold your head high for taking the high road throughout all this nonsense.

Good luck!

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8677087
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 9:44 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

Go on dates (socialize and enjoy yourself) but don't be surprised if you find you're unable to be emotionally vulnerable/connect deeply for a while. It's normal and time is your friend. You'll know when you're ready.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8677099
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 10:32 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

Read up on rebounds so you know what to lookout for.

IMO I would lay low right now. You’ll be in demand a lot more than you think so there’s time for that later.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8677117
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paboy ( Member #59482) posted at 12:25 AM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

GREAT UPDATE..The up graded furniture a positive..Perhaps ask your stbx whether she can put her stuff in storage until she relocates.. And I can't wait to hear about your new business proposals and how they go. Your going to do well.

posts: 586   ·   registered: Jul. 4th, 2017   ·   location: australia
id 8677148
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 1:04 AM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

Good update hope all stays well your end.

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8677154
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Michigan ( Member #58005) posted at 2:31 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

Wrong post

[This message edited by Michigan at 11:42 AM, July 21st (Wednesday)]

posts: 579   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2017   ·   location: Michigan
id 8677236
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Absolution ( New Member #60623) posted at 4:23 PM on Friday, August 6th, 2021

CM70,

I’ve followed your thread from its inception.

Just checking on you. How are you doing?

posts: 42   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2017
id 8681938
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thatbpguy ( Member #58540) posted at 7:53 PM on Friday, August 6th, 2021

CM70, just curious, but do the kids, family and friends now know she was sleeping around? If so, how has that gone? Just curious if she is fooling everyone.

Also, I hope you are healthy and still looking out for your happiness.

ME: BHHer: WWDDay 1, R; DDay 2, R; DDay 3, I leftDivorcedRemarried to a wonderful woman

"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis

As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly...

posts: 4451   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Vancouver, WA
id 8681991
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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 3:52 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

Hi Everyone, yeah I am doing OK. I have been traveling a bit as of late, took the kids to the mountains this weekend and did some hiking and caught a baseball game. I stopped at my best friends house for a couple days and had a good time. I talked allot to his wife who happened to be my wife's friend since grade school as well as her college roommate. They have drifted apart somewhat over the years but are still friends. She is absolutely devastated and appalled at my STBXW, and said she knows her very well and has lot's of Daddy issues and always worried she would screw up and go off the rails one day. The weird thing is multiple people including her own Mother have said the same thing, so it really makes me question my own decision making on choosing a spouse. I know none of it is my fault (her cheating) but it's the thoughts you have when you go through something like this.

Yes the kids know (but I did not go in a lot of detail), they are not happy with her especially my son. I am going to get them in counseling soon. I have only told close friends especially since I am still in going through D and not trying to rock the boat in getting towards the settlement. Her friends don't really know the truth and I am not worried about that right now. One of my STBXW close friends called one of my best college friends, and told her my wife's version which had no mention of an affair or cheating. Needless to say my college friend went off and said my STBXW is a liar & a cheat. So the walls will close on her over time, which is her problem not mine. I shouldn't have done it but I drove by my wife's AP's house early one morning on my wife's days off and guess who's SUV was in front of his house? Yeah my STBXW's SUV which I bought & paid for, yes she is trash.

I have my good days & my bad days I won't sugarcoat it. When you go something like this you question everything about yourself. Your self esteem takes a huge hit and everything you thought you had figured out is turned upside down. My close friends & family have been a god send in all this & have been very supportive and willing to listen and help me anyway they can. That's it for now.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8682364
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Aletheia ( Member #79172) posted at 6:27 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

Thank you for the regular updates. I almost feel bad your your wife, a fool. But WS who are too cowardly to admit they’re cheaters & rewrite their relationships to blame the BS disgust me. At least only a few more weeks & won’t have to live with her. More than 1/2 through the marathon, keep ya head up :)

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 185   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8682397
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HalfTime2017 ( Member #64366) posted at 6:34 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

CM-

Thanks for checking in. In times like these you lean in on family and your true friends. You learn quickly who your true friends are, and those that are more just like acquaintences.

Glad you getting through, and don't beat yourself up for driving by the APs house. Don't do it again, but if nothing else, it just cemented the exact reason you are divorcing your exWW. So typical of them to just monkey branch off to the next. Really you are moving on, and in time you'll see you got to leave this shit behind and upgrade your life.

posts: 1144   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8682399
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 1:32 AM on Tuesday, August 10th, 2021

Yes she is not all there. AP is her priority not her children or you. Yet she will spin it that she was a great mum and you pushed her into his arms. As well are turning the family against her and her happiness. Just a selfish cheater.
Just be there for the children and take care of yourself.
One day at a time

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8682517
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 11:29 PM on Wednesday, August 11th, 2021

CM70,

You said

The weird thing is multiple people including her own Mother have said the same thing, so it really makes me question my own decision making on choosing a spouse. I know none of it is my fault (her cheating) but it's the thoughts you have when you go through something like this.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You were married for 20 years and focused on raising a family and creating a career. Once she approached mid-life, the character flaws and FOO issues your wife always possessed became more pronounced and resulted in her cheating, lying, etc. They were likely always there but she was better at hiding them in her youth.

Do your kids know who the AP is and his part in the affair? If your wife is getting involved with this person, she may decide to introduce him into their lives at some point. I would not want this garbage person involved with my kids in any way. At a minimum, your kids need to know who the AP is why you object to having him involved in their lives. You don't need to provide details - just explain his character flaws and horrible morals. You cannot control who your wife sees in the future, but you can try to protect your kids from her bad choices. You should speak to your lawyer to understand your options. You said you son is having a particularly hard time with the divorce. From a legal perspective, is he old enough to decide who he wants to live with full time? Or, can you prevent (stipulate in the custody agreement) your wife from introducing new partners into their lives for a certain period of time? Please check with your lawyer - those may be a couple options to keep your kids away from the AP. You lawyer may have other suggestions.

Keep focusing on your kids, your physical and mental health, and your new business. You will continue to have ups and downs since this last year has been pretty traumatic for you. However, I think you're doing great and hope you will keep pushing through. Please keep us updated.

Good Luck!

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8682951
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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 2:37 PM on Thursday, August 12th, 2021

BLueRas,

Thanks for your thoughtful response! Yes the STBXW's character flaws are her own cross to bear, she is going through a mid-life crisis (she calls it a Mid-Life Analysis, and NO I am not making that sh#t up!) I went into her dresser the other day & took pictures of all the medications she has, they all have to do with anxiety, depression & dealing with OCD. I know that mental illness is no joke, and I only took these in case I need them down the road if she cannot be the parent she needs to be and I need to get the kids full time. The kids do not know the AP's name, but I have already warned her if she even tries to bring him around my kids they will know who he is & what he did. She told me something like "You can't do that!", I just said watch me.

I have put a clause into our divorce decree, that neither of us can introduce anyone to the kids unless we had been seeing them for a year or more post divorce. If my son were to decide he only wants to live with me, I will fight for that to happen. I do want them to have a relationship with her but only if she is being the parent she needs to be. I continue to focus on my physical & mental health and have been pursuing some new job & business opportunities.

[This message edited by CM70 at 4:05 PM, Thursday, August 12th]

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8683030
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BlueRaspberry ( Member #76065) posted at 4:39 PM on Thursday, August 12th, 2021

CM70,

Your STBXW is a piece of work. Mid-Life Analysis? WTF? Let's just say her analytical skills leave much to be desired.

Glad to see you've baked in a relationship time lag in the divorce decree to help protect your kids. I am concerned, however, about the way your wife reacted when you warned her not to bring the AP around. Sounds like that was her plan. I would also be concerned that she may ignore the divorce decree if she continues her relationship with the AP. How do you plan to monitor compliance? You probably need to communicate a lot with your kids to understand what they're doing, and more importantly, who they're interacting with during their stay with your STBXW. Hopefully, she won't try the "don't tell Daddy" routine. I suggest you talk to your lawyer about one or more PIs in your area that you can ring up on short notice if you find out she's breaking the decree. They could document her non-compliance and make it easier for you to take legal action, if necessary.

Take care!

posts: 218   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2020
id 8683055
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scaredwoman ( Member #78680) posted at 9:57 PM on Monday, August 16th, 2021

I do want them to have a relationship with her but only if she is being the parent she needs to be

This is what I've prayed for, that STBXWH be a good decent human being for the sake of his children.

posts: 154   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8683832
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Writersblock122 ( Member #54683) posted at 1:56 AM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

CM-

When you go something like this you question everything about yourself. Your self esteem takes a huge hit and everything you thought you had figured out is turned upside down.


I hear you. I'm going through exactly the same thing. You spend 20 years with someone only to realize they weren't who you thought they were. It makes you question your spouse picking abilities. Hang in there! I'm still in the first stages of separation, so I'm where you were at the beginning of your mess. Thankfully I have a busy job to keep my focus off this shit sandwich 24/7 (weekends are a bitch). However, it still doesn't make it any easier. Just know that there ARE women out there who are faithful, honest and caring (like myself). We aren't all like your WW. Everyone on this forum is rooting for you.

M 2003
2 DDs
BW: Me
WH: diagnosed SA
Multiple D Days: D Day #1: 7/30/16 D Day #2: 8/8/16; D Day #3: 9/1/19; D Day #4: 8/12/21

posts: 127   ·   registered: Aug. 16th, 2016   ·   location: MO
id 8683865
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 1:10 PM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

I have put a clause into our divorce decree, that neither of us can introduce anyone to the kids unless we had been seeing them for a year or more post divorce.

Has your attorney approved this and has he told you its enforceable?
It seldom – if ever – is enforceable.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8683908
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 CM70 (original poster Member #76077) posted at 5:05 PM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

Hey Everyone, thanks for the feedback. We did agree on a clause of not introducing a "new partner" for 6 months post divorce & no cohabitation for one year post divorce. Neither of these is going to be a problem for me as I don't have anyone I am even seeing at this point, and even if I did they will not be introduced to the kids for a long time and they definitely are not moving into my house. As I have stated previously if I hear anything about the AP's name from my kids they will know exactly what this piece of sh#t did. I am sure she is dumb enough to try, and I don't see my kids wanting anything to do with him and it will just further hurt my STBXW's relationship with them. Is this enforceable if she breaks these terms? I doubt it but I put it in anyway.

I am doing good bought some more furniture to replace everything she is taking. That will all get delivered the day after she moves out. It was nice to got pick out whatever I want and not have to deal with five separate trips with the ex to the furniture store! I am less that three weeks away from getting her ass out the door, and I am looking forward to the peace I will have.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Dec. 31st, 2020
id 8684589
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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 6:39 PM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

I was stuck with my ex-wife for three months in the same house while she obtained new living arrangements. It was tough on my little son the day she left because she took the T.V. and video recorder. He was at a friend's house when the move took place. He came home and started to cry when he saw that things were missing and there was no sign of his mom. It broke my heart. I went out the next day and bought a new T.V. and VCR. That helped quite a bit. I had a tape of Stars War that he watched every day for months. I believe that helped him through the trauma of divorce. He was three at the time.

I was on the verge of euphoria when she finally left that day, but for my son's sadness. I forged out a new life that was much better without my serial cheating ex-wife. You will, also.

posts: 413   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8684609
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