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Book: Cheating in a Nutshell: What Infidelity Does to the Victim

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BlackRaven posted 12/26/2020 01:23 AM


[This message edited by BlackRaven at 1:24 AM, December 26th (Saturday)]

gmc94 posted 12/26/2020 13:53 PM

Read the book.

I think a more apt description would be that the authors/columnists were prompted by the letters.
They then looked at research about infidelity, trauma, etc. and presented what they found.

steadychevy posted 12/27/2020 07:13 AM

I've never done a book review or report from back when I had to do those without first reading the book.

I agree with gmc94.

skeetermooch posted 12/27/2020 20:41 PM

That book is a revelation. The research they pulled together and cited is pretty undeniable. It is the best description of the human response to infidelity and why these innate self-protection mechanisms make reconciling, or reconciling happily, mostly impossible. There are exceptions to everything of course.

Years ago when I was with another SA cheater, I found a website - don't remember the name now - but the author was reconciled with her SA husband and he was supposedly maintaining sobriety. They were doing all of the things one does - lie detectors, 12 step, net nanny software and policing his media intake so he wasn't triggered. She was the poster child of reconciliation with a serial cheater. I looked her up after dday. She's now divorced and runs a site encouraging folks to leave.

As a few folks have mentioned - one offs and serial cheaters are often very different beasts.

4eyes posted 3/24/2021 15:56 PM

Thanks so much for the recommendation. I just finished this book and feel empowered to make the decision that is right for me.

TwoDozen posted 3/31/2021 05:50 AM

Read this book 2 weeks after deciding to separate. Have to agree with almost everything the book describes. Well worth a read and I will be hanging onto it to read again if I ever feel my decision to separate was not the right one.

Sadismynewname posted 4/4/2021 19:52 PM

Oh I wish I had read this book sooner. I was getting that I should forgive and didn’t understand why I was finding it difficult. Now I get it. I had a counselor that did the what is your ownership of this. I thought my god I don’t think I have any. I was right I didn’t! I did loving things in my marriage. I also thought it was bull that marriages are better after this and their research essentially told me what I thought was true. I have stayed but only because we are old and now are almost 40 years of marriage. He has forever poisoned our marriage and I know I will never love him again.

Emotionalhell posted 4/7/2021 06:30 AM

Thank you for the book recommendation. The book has helped me understand “why getting past the affair” has been so hard and that I may never recover to the point that emotions don’t get stirred up in me when I have a memory come to mind.

steadychevy posted 4/8/2021 10:34 AM

Sadismynewname, I separated in the 41 year of marriage. The divorce was final not long before when the 43rd anniversary would have been. I was 26 years old when we married so you can see I'm getting up there in years.

We could have lived very comfortably together but it's more difficult financially now. However, there was no way I could live under that stress. It surely has shortened my life already but would have compounded it if continuing to live with it. Triggers still happen and sometimes thoughts get out of control but my betrayer isn't in my face every day.

Everyone has to determine the best solution for themselves. That was mine. Yours needs to be for you. I just wanted to give you another perspective.

The book is so good. I wished every new betrayed who comes here would read it early in the process.

Emotionalhell posted 4/10/2021 22:12 PM

@steadychevy I wish I had read this book early on.

steadychevy posted 4/11/2021 21:37 PM

Me, too, Emotionalhell. I didn't read it until after separation. It was recommended earlier on SI by someone but I just added it to my list of books to buy and didn't buy it until a couple of years ago. Much earlier would have been exponentially better.

Shehawk posted 4/22/2021 09:16 AM

Thank you for this book review. You are a great writer..The review was so articulate. I wish I could copy a good portion of what you wrote and post it on my Facebook page and credit it to an anonymous internet post

I will have to read the book too.

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