The premise of the book is almost entirely to focus on the storm of emotions a BS experiences and to examine where those emotions actually come from and why. It is a pretty detailed examination and that really makes up 90 percent of the book.
The authors do conclude that, in most cases, divorce seems probably the best (or fastest) healing scenario (or at the very least a 30-90 therapeutic separation should happen).
I think if their recommendation for a 30-90 separation were followed, probably we might see more clarity for most BS’s.
based on what I’ve read for the past year that I’ve been a member here, in most reconciliation attempts BS’s find that their strong moral emotions, triggering and cognitive dissonance do not go away but rather they are able to somewhat dampen these and that the relationship is permanently altered.
I’ve inquired multiple times here on SI as to how this is “stronger and better” and usually the reply is a list of items in a new relationship that one should reasonably expect in ANY relationship — let alone one scarred by betrayal.
In other words there doesn’t seem to be an additive quality to reconciliation as far as I can tell. The relationship may be “healed” but I guess my bar is pretty high for what that should look like after the toxic abuse of adultery. It just doesn’t seem to rise to the level of expectation, at least to me.
And in my own experience, I know the relationship has been “less than” with my WW scrambling around doing so many things to try to stop the bleeding (while also still holding on to wayward patterns and a fundamental lack of transparency).
I get the feeling when people like me show up and report things aren’t going so well, the standard reply is “you’re doing it wrong” or “well maybe you are just not a good candidate for reconciliation” as if there’s something deficient in the BS or we are hard hearted or stubborn or not forgiving enough.
Instead of asking whether one can successfully choke down the proverbial shit sandwich, maybe we should be asking instead whether the WS is by their very nature the actual shit sandwich — and no amount of pretzel logic is going to fix that.
There don’t seem to be many good stats, but it seems reasonable to assume that after infidelity, a plurality of marriages end after some period of time (which would line up with divorce stats).
I’m only guessing but I wouldn’t be surprised if most reconciliation attempts fail at the 5-10 year mark as a BS begins to think really clearly and decides the shit sandwich is pretty fucking disgusting.
or we see the well known phenomenon of a BS showing up here on SI decades later filled with regret that they tried to reconcile (even with a remorseful spouse).
It does seem that more often *happy* reconciliations seem to involve BW’s rather than BH’s. I’m generalizing but that is just my take based on what I read here on SI.
WhatsRight, I’m curious about your take. What do you think?
[This message edited by Thumos at 3:28 PM, October 21st (Wednesday)]