Newest Member: Qashess

I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

default

BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 11:54 PM on Sunday, December 6th, 2020

OOL

I hope today finds you in better spirits. I can share with you what has helped me, as I live alone and don't have many friends.

My WH turned out to be a SA, and I shared my pain with my family as I've worked through this. Much to my surprise, they responded with tremendous support, and one thing they did was start putting together zoom calls about every other week. I had felt estranged from them for a while, so I'm stunned with their compassion and it's also allowed us to move past some of the old hurts. My nieces and nephews sometimes join us, so I've gotten to know them better, and it's also been great for my father who is elderly and also lives alone.

I've also started playing some online games with friends who live elsewhere. It's a healthier way to pass the time than netflix in that there is a social component to it, and sometimes, we end up laughing, (I'm sometimes shocked that I'm still capable of that.) If that interests you, there's an online escape room you can find if you google enchambered and escape room in California, and I just noticed an article in the Washington Post from Nov 30 with different games to play online.

I know these are really simple things, but they've made my life richer and that has helped with the loneliness.

[This message edited by BlackRaven at 1:04 AM, December 7th (Monday)]

posts: 284   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8614718
default

Outoflove2020 ( member #72682) posted at 3:10 AM on Monday, December 7th, 2020

GMC, Hewig, TA, Skeeter, CBS, BR - you are all amazing womenz, I'm so appreciative of you all taking the time to respond and your support. Every single one of you on here deserves so much joy and happiness after the shit show you have all been through. I'm in awe of the strength I see on here in all of you. We are all bad-asses if I do say so myself.

I allowed myself one pity party day and then I've forced myself to get up and do things. I spent most of the weekend hanging out with friends, eating good food and watching some cheesy Christmas TV. I have felt sad and lonely at times, but this time, I know it will pass. Also, I am now going to have company on Christmas as my due to stay at home orders in CA, she will no longer be going home. So while I'm sad for her, obviously, I am also a little bit glad for me. Just knowing I won't be on my own has made such a difference to my mood at the moment. Fully expect to have downturns as various different anti-versary dates come up, but I'm more ready for them know. And I'm just.....calmer. The anxiety has gone.

As for the stories you have about your cheating partners accusing you of cheating in games, stores etc....it really just does beggar belief, doesn't it? The hypocrisy and the cognitive dissonance that they exhibit, I really will never understand it. To be so lacking in self awareness must be so sad. With a few days distance, I actually kinda feel pity for my ex. He's alone through his own making, he's miserable and dissatisfied with his life, and it all could have been completely avoided if he'd been a grown up and addressed his issues head on. Instead, he's alone and feeling sorry for himself. I think he wanted me to fix him again, and there is no way I'm doing that. He can figure it out himself. I am focusing on my own healing.

I'm alone, and while I may have times of loneliness and sadness, I'd rather this than the anxiety I've had the last few weeks while I've been communicating with him. Because I know the work I've done, I know the work I will continue to do and I'll be a better person for it.

Big hugs to all of you. And thank you, thank you all. We just keep on keeping on and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 9:11 PM, December 6th, 2020 (Sunday)]

DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020

Still healing but in a better place

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2020   ·   location: DC Area
id 8614745
default

20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 8:30 PM on Monday, December 7th, 2020

OOL

Cheater brains work differently from ours.

I seriously think they believe they are smarter, funnier, slicker, and their sense of entitlement gives them permission to behave like monsters.

We don’t do that, think that, feel that. So we have no defense to it.

F them!

WE are proven superior in every way!

They need to earn the privilege of licking out shoes

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8614909
default

skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 12:46 AM on Tuesday, December 8th, 2020

And now we've commenced to the stage of bs where he sends me Dan Savage videos about monogamy not being realistic. Just shoot me.

WE'RE GETTING DIVORCED CHEATER. PEDDLE THAT CRAP ELSEWHERE.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8614972
default

20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 11:14 AM on Tuesday, December 8th, 2020

Ugh skeeter!

Obviously your Cheater is still clueless.

How frustrating that despite the devastation their behaviors cause, they can’t comprehend that it’s time to stop it

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8615048
default

Hedwig ( member #74175) posted at 12:54 PM on Tuesday, December 8th, 2020

@skeetermooch: the audacity of the moral superiority they have over NOTHING. Tell him to go fuck off with his Dan Savage!

To anyone here with SAD: how do you cope? I realized I am so tired these days and I don't really look forward to anything. I also don't enjoy things as I normally woud. When I was journalling about how I'm feeling unhappy but not really unhappy, just sad..I realized it's that time of year again

So I cycle to work now (I am a teacher, I have to work at school) and I have gone on walks (okay 1, so far) during my lunch break. I usually spend my weekends walking in parks, but I'm going to try to get out of the house earlier. Because the daylight you get in the morning works best.

How about you?

Dday - 10/2018
Caught them, EMDR helped
Ended the relationship after false R for 1,5 years

posts: 261   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2020
id 8615066
default

Hedwig ( member #74175) posted at 12:54 PM on Tuesday, December 8th, 2020

@skeetermooch: the audacity of the moral superiority they have over NOTHING. Tell him to go fuck off with his Dan Savage!

To anyone here with SAD: how do you cope? I realized I am so tired these days and I don't really look forward to anything. I also don't enjoy things as I normally woud. When I was journalling about how I'm feeling unhappy but not really unhappy, just sad..I realized it's that time of year again

So I cycle to work now (I am a teacher, I have to work at school) and I have gone on walks (okay 1, so far) during my lunch break. I usually spend my weekends walking in parks, but I'm going to try to get out of the house earlier. Because the daylight you get in the morning works best.

How about you?

Dday - 10/2018
Caught them, EMDR helped
Ended the relationship after false R for 1,5 years

posts: 261   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2020
id 8615067
default

sickofsurviving ( member #52308) posted at 11:17 PM on Tuesday, December 8th, 2020

Hello Ladies.

Been a long while. A little over a year. Thought I would pop on and maybe give a bit of an update. This thread is still the only place I feel comfortable posting.

I read on here for a couple of days. Started this a couple of times. Man, nothing here really changes.

I honestly stopped coming here because of a particular cheater. There was, quite literally, not a thread she didn't post on. I just couldn't deal with her arrogance.

So, my update. Cheater and I are still married. Him, happily. Im married. Oh don't get me wrong. We get along fine. Still own and operate the semi. As long as I never bring up his cousin fucking, things are great.

So yeah. Rugswept big time. I still don't have a clue either when or for how long his cousin fucking went on. I have no idea if she was the only one.

In some ways, I can see folks that would be happy with our marriage. He is very complimentary, always is a great work partner, and says thank you for being my wife.

What I dont hear is I'm sorry I committed incest while I was married to you. Or I'm sorry I looked in your face and lied for 7 years. The years when my health was good. When I could have easily started over. Sigh.

I'm not unhappy. Not really. Not actively. But I'm definitely not happy either. I have a comfortable life. My kids are great. My daughter that was cheated on the same year I found out, is engaged. Different guy. We adore him and his boys.

I guess thats about it in a nutshell. It was good to read back and catch up with y'all.

BS-me 54
WH 56
Married 2004

4 DDs 35,30,26,25
Sexting affair with his 1st cousin 2007-2008 maybe
D-Day 8-8-15
Married

posts: 859   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2016
id 8615227
default

20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 5:15 AM on Wednesday, December 9th, 2020

Hi Sickofsurviving.

I get it.

I have a five year plan to leave, but another house, and live by myself.

No divorce so I can keep my health insurance through Cheater.

Just peace, finally.

We do go places from time to time

But there is MO intimacy, I am not affectionate.

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8615260
default

sickofsurviving ( member #52308) posted at 2:13 PM on Wednesday, December 9th, 2020

Hi 20yrs!

Hope you're doing ok. Between the holidays and covid, its a difficult year.

I honestly have no plans to leave. I think I probably make it sound worse than it is. He treats me well. We are together 24 hours a day 7 days a week, so I know he's not cheating. And we certainly don't argue. I just cant be bothered.

He will never do the work. He isn't capable. Once I realized that, well it was life changing. For me. I just see him so very differently.

My life, all of it, has been a mess. My girls, even tho they are grown, needed us to stay together. They needed that stability. As I watched them all together on Thanksgiving, I knew, way down deep, I had done the right thing.

So I'm good. Content. Healing. It will be a lifelong process. There has been a lot of damage. But I got this. I really am a survivor. And I have found my strength.

BS-me 54
WH 56
Married 2004

4 DDs 35,30,26,25
Sexting affair with his 1st cousin 2007-2008 maybe
D-Day 8-8-15
Married

posts: 859   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2016
id 8615297
default

Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 10:30 PM on Wednesday, December 9th, 2020

Hi, sickofsurviving, I believe I posted to you way back when....what a poetic summary you have given here:

My girls, even tho they are grown, needed us to stay together. They needed that stability. As I watched them all together on Thanksgiving, I knew, way down deep, I had done the right thing.

So I'm good. Content. Healing. It will be a lifelong process. There has been a lot of damage. But I got this. I really am a survivor. And I have found my strength.

The older I get (almost 70, now, surviving thus far through this pandemic!) the more I see the sad reality that most of us don't get the brass ring in life, and that almost all of us humans of a certain age, feel they wanted better in life than what we've seemingly arrived at...(but maybe that's just my 2020 traumatized outlook talking.)

Anyway, I love your recognition that you ARE a survivor, you HAVE found your strength, and there are positive emotional benefits you can point to, that help balance out the ugly stuff.

Keep on truckin' for us all!

posts: 1380   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8615426
default

Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 6:00 AM on Friday, December 11th, 2020

Hope all you wonderful women’s are fantastic. Take care and hugs to all

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8615773
default

EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 3:10 PM on Friday, December 11th, 2020

Hey TG - how are you doin?? Long time no see!

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3145   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8615865
default

Outoflove2020 ( member #72682) posted at 3:53 PM on Friday, December 11th, 2020

Struggling today. My mind is constantly going back to this time last year when, unbeknownst to me, a trip upon which he was about to embark included meeting the AP for the first time in person. When I was on a business trip and so worried about his mental health that I was seriously considering cutting my trip short and coming home. When his daughter was expressing some very concerning thoughts.

I'm really really trying to shift my thoughts but it's really hard today.

Hope you are all having a peaceful, drama free Friday.

DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020

Still healing but in a better place

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2020   ·   location: DC Area
id 8615899
default

Outoflove2020 ( member #72682) posted at 3:53 PM on Friday, December 11th, 2020

Hey TG, good to hear from you. Hope all is well.

DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020

Still healing but in a better place

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2020   ·   location: DC Area
id 8615900
default

BentandBroken ( member #72519) posted at 4:24 PM on Friday, December 11th, 2020

@Hedwig, I also struggle with SAD. This time of year, with so little daylight, really messes me up too. You mentioned cycling to and from work, and taking mid-day walks. You clearly understand the need to get outdoors, which is what tends to work best for me as well. I also try to schedule tasks that take me out of the house after dark, even if it's just a run to the grocery store. This, of course, is much harder during the pandemic. Some days I still collapse into binge watching Netflix shows from 4:00 until bedtime. Ugh. And then try to do better the next day.

Eating habits are a problem for me during the winter months as well. I'm caving to the cravings for comfort food and slowly undoing my infidelity weight loss. Not particularly happy about it. If you have any suggestions in this regard, I'm all ears!

20+ year relationshipNever officially marriedDday November 20194 wonderful grown childrenWH multiple APs, currently involved with married COWKicked him out on Dday and that was that

posts: 314   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8615933
default

BentandBroken ( member #72519) posted at 4:33 PM on Friday, December 11th, 2020

@OOL, I am so sorry you are struggling today. I am no great oracle of wisdom, but perhaps it's OK to step back into some of the survival techniques we used in the early days after Dday. Specifically, I'm thinking about "chunking" the day. You're not tackling the entire day, just the next 15 minutes. So the question becomes, what can I do for me to get through the next 15 minutes? Etc.

I've been in a 3 week funk myself, and I can't seem to pull out of it. I appreciate that you posted because it helps me remind myself of the coping mechanisms I have in my toolkit. Journaling (I particularly like the GLAD framework you taught me), meditation, and re-reading over and over my list of things I don't miss about my life with xWH. For you, this practice of putting his needs in front of yours (cutting your trip short) whilst he's in the midst of deeply betraying you - obviously something you won't miss. ((Hugs to you))

20+ year relationshipNever officially marriedDday November 20194 wonderful grown childrenWH multiple APs, currently involved with married COWKicked him out on Dday and that was that

posts: 314   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8615942
default

20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 5:58 PM on Friday, December 11th, 2020

Hi Womenz!!!

Happy FriYay!

I have plans to visit Universal tomorrow, Epcot Sunday.

Yes, I wear a mask, social distance, Er al.

I’m looking forward to a change in scenery.

WFH puts me in a rut where I don’t leave the house for days on end.

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8615985
default

Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 11:04 PM on Friday, December 11th, 2020

Hi all,

So I went down the rabbit hole today and did some pain shopping. Don’t know why I did and of course I got burned. Found another email that my WH wrote that confirmed that his first LTA didn’t end when he told me it did. They did fact have more get aways together and the affair likely went on at least several more months.

Typical cheater and he swore to me he was telling the truth on our kids lives. What an asshole. Liar. I feel hurt all over again even though I already knew he lied up until he died. He never told me even one truth.

Just sad all over.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8616058
default

BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 2:24 AM on Saturday, December 12th, 2020

Bent or OOL,

Would you mind elaborating on what GLAD journaling is?

Journaling (I particularly like the GLAD framework you taught me),

Maybe it's something in the air because I've had a particularly rotten week as well.

Throwaway, I'm sorry about your pain. The betrayal is just so, so hard, and it comes in many forms, but they all have the common thread of lies running through them.

posts: 284   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8616082
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20210925 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy