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I Can Relate :
Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 1:32 AM on Thursday, December 17th, 2020

Jumping in on some show suggestions.

I enjoyed Money Heist, and Downton Abbey, (though I may have been the last person in the world to see it.) I also liked Schitts Creek, but it took me an episode or two to get into it.

I've also discovered online chess, and so play sometimes with my father who lives in a different city, as well as some virtual escape rooms, for people who are on different computers -( just google Enchambered) - and it also has some solo puzzles that are kind of fun.

Happy Hanukkah to those who celebrate.

posts: 283   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8617247
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Outoflove2020 ( member #72682) posted at 1:45 AM on Thursday, December 17th, 2020

I totally second Schitt’s Creek. You need to persevere through the first season but I promise after that you will not be disappointed. One of my favourite shows, hands down. And the finale.....oh the finale.

Funnily enough re Downtown, I was talking to my cousin on Monday and we were thinking we might rewatch.

DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020

Still healing but in a better place

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2020   ·   location: DC Area
id 8617251
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 3:04 AM on Thursday, December 17th, 2020

I was a bit triggered by Virgin River too. I kind of hate how they portrayed Jack's ex as a shrew to justify his cheating or seeing someone else on the technicality that they didn't have an agreement of monogamy. It was far fetched enough that I could mostly overlook it though.

I'm triggered by all kinds of tv though - any infidelity in a more realistic drama and I just have to shut it off. I guess that's why I like Alaskan reality shows - no danger of that. Although one show, Life Below Zero, has a couple in which the husband is verbally/emotionally abusive. I fast forwarded through their segments. I did read that the wife ultimately left him. That made me happy.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8617276
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 3:53 AM on Thursday, December 17th, 2020

Hi Badasses!

I had a marathon FaceTime with a girlfriend who lives in Arizona and I haven’t seen since 2007. She divorced her husband, lost 300 pounds, and is looking fabulous. I cried like a baby. She and her ex were both unfaithful during their marriage.

She didn’t realize that my WA was a repeat offender. She apologized profusely if telling her story triggered me.

It didn’t, but it made me sad that I chose a spouse so wrong for me

WH hugged me last night, begged me not to leave.

I’m saving money, planning to buy some land, and build a tiny house on it

My mother worries about me being alone. She’s right

Fuck relationships. They’re bullshit

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8617289
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 6:27 AM on Thursday, December 17th, 2020

I don’t know how those who R get passed having to keep the secret

I'm not in R, but if I were to hazard a guess, I think it's because their WS had and showed REMORSE and HUMILITY, neither of which your WH ever showed. And I'll just echo what others say about ZERO obligation to keep his secrets... it's hurting YOU and he's not even here anymore....

Skeeter - I binged Alone a few weeks ago after my sister told me about it. Only did Season 1, but got really hooked. I have been to Alaska and cannot wait to return. I just love looking over those vast expanses and wondering what's in them and when (or ever) a human was last walking in there. Totally got into Queen's Gambit and would be thrilled if they could find a way to do a season 2. I also binged Dr Foster - tho the whole thing is about a BW coping with dday and a WH (so not a good choice for those susceptible to triggers), I enjoyed it and appreciated the ways in which she basically went batshit - may be the best portrayal of what the dday trauma can do to a person I've ever seen.

Yesterday, I FINALLY had an interview for a job I've been trying to get for months & months. Unfortunately, they won't decide til at least next month, so more living in the uncomfortable, now coupled with some serious financial anxiety (my insurance will go from about $10k/yr to almost $30k/yr - and I'll be losing my income on top of that.... so Christmas will be pretty sparce and I'll have to start hustling in Jan to pay for the insurance - I'm SUPER worried about it). Would be grateful for some badass prayers & good juju on this job front

And 20yrs, I'm with you on being alone. I'm having to pack up my apt in the city where I've worked for the last several years. I will miss having this sanctuary away from WH, and I'll really miss my job and the sense of empowerment it brings.

Cheers.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3369   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8617302
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 11:50 AM on Thursday, December 17th, 2020

I

'm not in R, but if I were to hazard a guess, I think it's because their WS had and showed REMORSE and HUMILITY, neither of which your WH ever showed. And I'll just echo what others say about ZERO obligation to keep his secrets... it's hurting YOU and he's not even here anymore....

You are all so very right....for the most part have not kept his secrets, at least as far as friends go. His family...I have been complicit in covering his ass for them. Keeping the extent of his multiple affairs from his mom. I think one day I will likely tell her. Mostly right now, I avoid speaking to her at all costs.

You nailed it....he’s not here and still hurts me. Likely because so much extra affair discoveries came out after he passed away. I am healing but parts of me are still raw. Right now I am coming to terms with the knowledge that the only thing that stopped his cheating was getting cancer.

I have to walk a fine line with my kids....let them grieve but also know that what he did to me and them was horrendous. I am a firm believer that you cannot be a good parent when you are cheating...my WH was disconnected and stole time from both me and my kids. And his lack of remorse and inability to own his actions before he passed was frankly appalling.

I have times where I am so mad at myself for wanting to believe he was telling me the truth just before he passed away...yet deep down in my gut I think I always knew he wasn’t.

I am going to check out Dr Foster for sure....and maybe that show Alone also. Right now binge watching is about all I do apart from working. I sure hope 2021 is better for us all.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8617330
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BentandBroken ( member #72519) posted at 2:44 PM on Thursday, December 17th, 2020

@gmc94 sending good juju your way. I fully understand the financial anxiety you're going through. Another one of the "gifts" of infidelity.

@TA, what an awful dilemma - whether to expose late WH's infidelities to his extended family. Agree 100% with your comments about WS not being a good parent while in affairs. It is stealing from the family. And from employers, too, for WSs who are working. My frustration is that after Dday, it puts me, as a BS, in the same position. I'm such a mess I can't give proper attention to job or family. Not stealing exactly, but neglect. I'm a year out and still can't focus properly at work. I no longer seem to have an A game. Another infidelity gift.

20+ year relationshipNever officially marriedDday November 20194 wonderful grown childrenWH multiple APs, currently involved with married COWKicked him out on Dday and that was that

posts: 314   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8617364
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Outoflove2020 ( member #72682) posted at 4:20 PM on Thursday, December 17th, 2020

I'm so sick of the ups and downs. I had a pretty good / nice day yesterday. Felt pretty positive. Managed to shower, get out for a walk. Ate healthy and well, slept well, did my journaling.

This morning I've woken up sad. Just sad. And lonely, really really lonely. Feeling isolated. On this day last year, I went to see Come From Away with a friend of mine, and it was amazing. In two days (Dec 19), my xWBF and I took his parents to a Beethoven performance. Actually, it was my idea and I bought the tickets. His dad - in particular - loves Beethoven and thoroughly enjoyed it. There are "happy" photos of us where xWBF is smiling...when apparently he was "dying inside".

I wish I could just switch my brain off. I am not meant to be a solitary creature. Not being able to go out, see friends is really taking a toll on my mental health. I can feel it. I'm wanting to isolate even more, which is so unusual for me. I've essentially been on my own since March when I moved out of the house. I miss human touch. I miss casual conversation with a partner. I miss the noise of the kids in the house. I miss going "adventuring" with his daughter. Very few of my friends are reaching out of their own accord. I'm reaching out to them and they respond, but very few of them are thinking to reach out to me. And I know, that sounds very selfish and egotistical, but it's been a really hard year and I'm struggling. But it's always been that way. I'm the one who always reaches out. That's just who I am. I don't want to have to be that person at the moment.

It's been almost a year. Dday was mid January. I moved out early February. Full NC at end of June. He reached out again at beginning of October. A couple of meet ups, back and forths and now back to NC. I feel like I was making so much progress. I know, I know, that is why NC is your friend. But I do struggle with what is the infidelity and what is just COVID.

I just don't want to feel sad any more. UGH. I hate this. I HATE THIS. I'm better than this.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 10:21 AM, December 17th, 2020 (Thursday)]

DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020

Still healing but in a better place

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2020   ·   location: DC Area
id 8617401
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 5:36 PM on Thursday, December 17th, 2020

I’m saving money, planning to buy some land, and build a tiny house on it

I love this! I've been toying with the same idea. I was thinking maybe I could find some acreage in the cooler part of Arizona and put a tiny house and maybe rent out spaces for other tiny house folks and form a little affordable community in a pretty natural setting.

Gmc - sending good vibes!!

TA - It sounds like you're figuring out some balance with the mess of conflicting emotions and carnage your WS left behind. I hope this holiday is peaceful and full of love for you and all of us.

I'm the one who always reaches out. That's just who I am. I don't want to have to be that person at the moment.

I totally feel this. I'm usually the one doing the heavy lifting in my friendships. I hate appearing weak and tend to minimize my vulnerabilities. It works fine when life is more or less good but leaves me in the lurch when I could use support. I've been experimenting with being a bit more open about my struggles and it seems to be engendering a bit more concern from friends.

I'm so sorry you're feeling lonely right now. It's a very rough time to be grieving a relationship.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8617418
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Outoflove2020 ( member #72682) posted at 6:01 PM on Thursday, December 17th, 2020

And just like that I feel like an ass - I just got a flower delivery from a friend in the UK, saying she's thinking of me, believes in me, thinks I'm so strong, and wishes me a better 2021. Wish I could post a photo to show you, they really are beautiful and exactly what I needed today.

@skeeter - sounds like you and I are similar in that way.

@20years - sounds like you have a solid plan in place

@GMC - good luck with the job!!!!!

@TA - you come across as if you are working through this in a really healthy way, and I greatly admire that, you have been dealt the shittest of shit sandwiches and your benevolence is a testament to you and your character

@BnB - you got this, you know you have. You are a rockstar and he, well, he is just a lying douchewad (to steal Skeeter's term)

DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020

Still healing but in a better place

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2020   ·   location: DC Area
id 8617431
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BentandBroken ( member #72519) posted at 6:12 PM on Thursday, December 17th, 2020

OOL your last post made me laugh. I'm so happy you received flowers! Everything your friend said is so true.

I am right there with you and ready to be DONE feeling like this. I'm so worn out and tired of "doing the work." Yes, I am seeing gains, but after months of doing OK, I'm back to crying every day. I passed my Dday anti-versary last month. Why back sliding now? Will every holiday be like this? How is it possible that this Christmas is worse than last year? Blah blah blah

Rant over.

Just wanted you to know you're not alone. And thank you for the kind words.

20+ year relationshipNever officially marriedDday November 20194 wonderful grown childrenWH multiple APs, currently involved with married COWKicked him out on Dday and that was that

posts: 314   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8617436
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 7:20 PM on Thursday, December 17th, 2020

Hey TA999 - go gently on "Dr Foster" Although, IMHO, it was well done, it can be VERY VERY triggery.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3369   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8617460
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 11:48 AM on Friday, December 18th, 2020

OOL - I love that you got flowers....my heart was truly happy for you (and I don’t even know you...lol). Hang in there...there will be better days ahead.

Now...warning....the rest of this post may be triggering....stop and pass it by if you want.

I watched 2 episodes of Doctor Foster last night. Agreed. Very triggery. But what I did find is that they pretty accurately got across that shocked and numb feeling you get at discovery. Like your world just stops and the rest of the world is continuing on around you. I vividly remember the minutes after discovery....I couldn't move, I was paralyzed and in a fog.

Afterwards your mind just becomes hyper-focused...and you can’t focus on anything but the affair and discovery. In the show she does some crazy stuff...heck I did also. She definitely kept it together better than I did. But funny....many people have told me that they can’t believe how well I was functioning at work etc given the fact about the discovery and cancer that I was actually going through. From my perspective....I felt that I was a mess. And completely not functioning.

Another accurate portrayal was how well liars can lie. I have learned that the hard way, but haven’t we all...

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8617633
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Outoflove2020 ( member #72682) posted at 3:30 PM on Friday, December 18th, 2020

@TA - thank you! They are on my kitchen counter and made me smile when I saw them this morning. I'm actually catching up with my friend who sent them, this weekend.

I got a big trigger in the afternoon yesterday. The kids mom sent me a photo of the kids celebrating the final night of Hanukkah, which clearly my xwBF had sent her as it was in my former kitchen. In the background was the remnants of the family photo gallery I'd created around this time last year. I could see that he'd taken down the photos in which I or my family members were present. I knew he'd done this, I actually asked him on one of the two times we recently met in person if he'd done anything like that and he told me he had....that he did it after he learned that I'd told the OBS because he was so angry with me. So I knew. But seeing it was a different matter. The gaps in the gallery are so obvious. He hasn't even bothered to fill them with anything else. Or just rearrange the existing ones. He walks past that every day, probably doesn't even register it, but it's like I've been erased? It hit me hard.

But then I went out with some friends last night to drive around the Christmas lights. There are a couple of places locally that go all out, and so we decided to get some festive cheer. We then grabbed a bite at a local hole in the wall Mexican restaurant (which we were lucky to get into as rules here are now 25% capacity only).

I automatically felt better. I felt more positive. I went to bed feeling stronger. Thinking that it's so sad for him that he has that constant reminder on the wall of the gaps he now has in his life due to his selfish behaviour. When he could have had a complete wall. And how childish it was of him to do it. If it were me, I don't think anyone could blame me for taking down photos in which he appears - but for him to do it? During a temper tantrum because I did the right thing but it inconvenienced him? Because he can't face seeing my face as it makes him face himself and what he did to me? Pathetic.

Rambling a bit here I guess, but what I'm thinking about this morning is......based on yesterday, I know getting out and about and keeping myself busy helps me feel better. I know that. So why is it so much EASIER to just sit on the sofa, stuff my face with cookies, and sink into a pity party? It was also encouraging to see how my thinking changed with time.....the immediate gut punch, but by the time I went to bed, I was feeling more sorry for him than anything.

Next time I get into that kind of funk, please re-direct me to this post. I should probably pin it to my toolbar!!!!

Anyways, happy Friday good badass women. Last day of work for me for a week, and I'm so looking forward to downing tools for a few days.

DDay 1/15/2020.
Separated 3/1/2020

Still healing but in a better place

posts: 375   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2020   ·   location: DC Area
id 8617714
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 5:04 PM on Friday, December 18th, 2020

OOL - flowers!! That's amazing!

Yes, keeping busy is key but we resist I suppose because of the depression and pull towards rumination, which can't be accomplished amid socializing. It's a battle.

B&B, definitely not a linear process and the pandemic ain't helping any. I hope things turn around soon for you.

It's like we're in quicksand and the minute we relax it sucks us back down a little.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1165   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8617784
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BlackRaven ( member #74607) posted at 7:23 PM on Friday, December 18th, 2020

Regarding "keeping secrets" - just an observation:

My SAWH told his family he'd had multiple affairs (I don't believe he used the SA diagnosis but told them he'd relapsed in his other addictions) and it didn't even move the needle.

He asked that they show support to our daughter and to me, and they've done no such thing. In the 9 months we've been separated, I got 1 bizarre email about lace making (which I politely responded to) from my MIL and nothing more. They always treated me like I was the crud on the bottom of a shoe and clearly that hasn't changed. In fact, his wayward behavior simply empowered him. When my FIL heard about the first affair right after DD1, he emailed his son and said that sometimes men are 'forced' into having affairs.

Actually, something has changed - me. I no longer give them the power to make me feel badly about my strained relationship with them. After more than a quarter century, I'm done trying to get their approval. As far as I'm concerned, they're all dead to me. I will accept whatever relationship our daughter choses to have with them, but I will no longer play their game.

For them to accept the depth of his being broken would require that they be introspective about how they contributed to his trauma, and they will never do that.

posts: 283   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2020
id 8617846
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 2:53 AM on Saturday, December 19th, 2020

I get it BlackRaven,

My in-laws showed blatant favoritism to WH’s younger brothers, their wives, and those grandkids. My kids noticed early on.

Tis created resentment in my kids. But, as I pointed out, I feel it lets my kids off the hook of having to give any of them headspace. WH disagrees. Then I remind him his logic also convinced him to choose cheating.

Fuck those assholes Black Raven

BW, 54 WH 53
When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2101   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8617982
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 12:37 PM on Saturday, December 19th, 2020

For them to accept the depth of his being broken would require that they be introspective about how they contributed to his trauma, and they will never do that.

This 1000% applies to my situation with my MIL...my FIL passed away before I met my WH. My FIL was described as such a great, fun guy...life of the party. Days before my own husband passed (oddly he was actual diagnosed and died at the exact same ages as his own father)...anyway, I was finally after 24 years told the truth about my FIL. He was actually a notorious flirt who cheated on my MIL and she pretended it never happened, and this was who WH said he idolized.

My MIL will never face what my WH did because then she would finally have to face what her own husband did and how her rugsweeping messed up her own kids. My WH was a serial cheater, his middle brother is very likely a sex/porn addict and the youngest brother...is seemingly okay. Dirty little secrets do damage far beyond what we can imagine.

OOL - I can read in your last post...your growing strength. You are right...he cannot face who he really is...what he lost from his own decisions and actions. It’s easier for them to “pretend” it never happened by wiping us from their memories (ie. taking down your photos) than truly faces their own issues.

For me...keeping busy is the key. Very hard in the lock down world today....but I am trying.

And finding gratitude and joy in each day...last night I had a Covid friendly visit with one of my BFF....she became a quadriplegic four years ago from a car accident on Boxing Day. Last night when I visited her, she surprised me ....after years of re-hab...she found her voice again. She has learned how to speak again. She had not been able to verbalized since the accident...when she broke her neck, her vocal cords were damaged. We had learned to read lips...but last night we talked. She keeps me grounded....whenever I think I can’t go on any longer...she brings me faith and hope. She is the strongest most positive person and I am lucky to have her in my life. Gratitude.

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8618021
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Hedwig ( member #74175) posted at 7:27 PM on Saturday, December 19th, 2020

BentandBroken and OOL2020: I have been using the daylight lamp for 5 days now. I feel more energetic, less tired and also less sad/depressed. BUT I have to make two sidenotes with that: on monday night my country went into lockdown and it was announced that my job as a teacher would go back to virtual again as of last wednesday. so last tuesday was our final in-person day for the year. Our lockdown will be until mid-january. I am very relieved because teaching during the pandemic is definitely adding to my anxiety. So I do feel that the lockdown has added to me feeling more energetic and less sad.

Second, we broke up for christmas break yesterday so that obviously also adds to me feeling energetic and less sad. I have a lot of free time to look forward to. I have finished my grading yesterday, even though it took me until 20:30 so lots and lots of free time.

So these are two external factors that could have added to me feeling better. But I do think the lamp helps as well. I just sit in front of it for half an hour to an hour (depends on how close to your face it is) while drinking my morning coffee. It's great!

Throwaway999, oooh another The Expanse fan! I love the show! You reminded me of the fact that they usually bring out new seasons around the holidays! I just looked it up, they released three new episodes already! I'll see if I can watch them somehow. A bit bittersweet, because it's a show I started watching with my wEXBF and we used to bingewatch it together and we both loved it. But I'll be damned if I let him take this from me.

Dday - 10/2018
Caught them, EMDR helped
Ended the relationship after false R for 1,5 years

posts: 261   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2020
id 8618075
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Throwaway999 ( member #72413) posted at 11:50 AM on Sunday, December 20th, 2020

Hedwig - I am glad I am not the only “sci-fi nerd” here. Lol. Happy to hear the lamp is helping also. We just went back into lockdown again starting tomorrow. For me....getting outside and walking seems to help. As much as I hate the cold and snow...it always helps to clear my head and lift my spirits.

However....I do get “tired” of all of this trying to heal. A few great positive days...then a bad one seems to sneak itself in. And the 2 to 5 years is always daunting to me...at first I never believed it. My friend who had a cheating husband (now divorced) told me at the beginning that this would take years...she is right.

Have a good Sunday Ladies!

Me - BS
Him -WS (passed away Aug2020)
DDay1 - 2011 EA with AP1
DDay2/3 - found out in 2019 about EA/PA same AP1 -3 yr LTA affair ended 2016/2017
DDay4 - found out after he passed away about LTA with ex-wife same time as his first affair with AP1

posts: 516   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2019   ·   location: Canada
id 8618213
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