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Betrayed Womenz Thread - Part 4

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Throwaway999 posted 3/7/2021 07:05 AM

I feel angry around them because I feel like they did a shitty job raising their kids to be good people. They taught him to suppress his feelings and be passive aggressive. And then I feel shame because they just did the best they could with what they knew. They are good people and I love them. I think I am just looking for some ďaha momentĒ that explains the source of the brokenness in WH to betray his own integrity.

This perfectly describes how I feel about my MIL. And now I look at that whole family with my rose coloured glasses off. They represented themselves as this perfect normal family....I never heard one negative story from them about the past. But now I just realize it was all bullshit. And I can see partially why my WH turned out the way he did.

Gloss over the hard stuff, keep secrets, pretend itís all good...never have a serious conversation. Crap....my MIL now pretends my WH is on a ďvacationĒ. Really? So messed up.

I wouldnít count on ever getting that aha moment...itís not likely to come. At least for me, with his family it will never come...and frankly I donít care anymore.

Hedwig posted 3/7/2021 11:35 AM

I feel like I'm losing my mind lately. Keep having dreams about WEXBF, which I haven't had since the very first month after I broke up with him. Also thought I saw him the other day and thought I saw his AP today. What is this phase? The last symptoms of trauma/surviving infidelity? For all the BW who are divorced/separated from their WEXH, how long before you're over them. I mean over as in not getting angry anymore, not ruminating about all the hurtfull stuff they said and did? I'm not talking about still having feelings, I'm talking about them occupying headspace.

I want to get to that stage of indifference.

Throwaway999 posted 3/8/2021 05:41 AM

Hedwig - although I donít have technically an Ex, I am striving for the same indifference you are. Itís been about 1 1/2 years since my big Dday when my world came tumbling down. And 6 months since he passed away. Likely my grieving would be longer had he not been such an asshole.

I am most definitely not there yet....but I am starting to have days and moments where I just donít care anymore. I feel satisfied with my ďdiggingĒ and knowledge, so I think that helps. I am slowly starting to get out more....hard because we are still in semi-lockdown. I go when I am invited....if I feel like it or not, I make myself go out. I do feel a slight bit of shame...knowing that I have been the topic of gossip...but really who cares...my life (not theirs) and not my fault. I hold my head high.

And most importantly, I am starting to visualize my life without a H. And I am looking forward to it....a fresh start. My decisions, my choices, my accomplishments and my failures....no one elseís. I own my life finally....and I find peace and joy that I am no longer being manipulated by someone.

I have plans to volunteer with an animal rescue. Plan a beach vacation with friends. Get back to a gym....baby steps. I think I just takes that dreaded word...time.

Hedwig posted 3/8/2021 07:23 AM

Throwaway999: I think you've done the right thing for yourself by telling your MIL about your Late WH's cheating. I think that was a big part that might have been holding you back in healing.

As to your reply: everything you're describing is so relatable! That's exactly what I started doing after the break-up and even more so after going NC! Looking forward to the future without them and being free from manipulation.

It just feels like I am relapsing or something like that. I have this pettiness in me, for example I would love for him to see how well I am doing without him and for him to realize he was the one holding me back or for him to see me with a gorgeous and kind man now (even though I have no interest in dating now whatsoever). At the same time I don't want to care about him.

Anyone else recognize this relapse?

ladyphoenix posted 3/8/2021 07:25 AM

I donít actually expect to have that aha moment. I know itís not just one thing that resulted in his lapse in integrity. He has a lot of work to do.

I have a 90 year old neighbour whoís wife passed away several years ago. His memory is not great and he has started talking about a time when his wife had been unfaithful. He is so sad about it. Itís painful to hear. I am a little afraid that something similar will happen in the future with my in-laws. Like there is a dark family secret that will come out. Not that itís really my business to know. Their relationship is their own.

It must be really hard for you for her to pretend heís ďon vacationĒ. Definitely not healthy for anyone!

UnstuffedGiraffe posted 3/8/2021 19:52 PM

And most importantly, I am starting to visualize my life without a H. And I am looking forward to it....a fresh start. My decisions, my choices, my accomplishments and my failures....no one elseís. I own my life finally....and I find peace and joy that I am no longer being manipulated by someone

That sounds nice.

20yrsagoBS posted 3/9/2021 20:36 PM

I fantasize about life without him around.


Imagine not having to be concerned that youíre being lied to?


I canít begin to imagine how peaceful that must be!

LadyG posted 3/11/2021 20:18 PM

I canít begin to imagine how peaceful that must be!
this is more a rant than anything else, but hereís a list of things that I can no longer do and places I can no longer go without going through ptsd hell...

canít go to my local shopping mall or shopping mall anywhere near my own home - WH often met exAP at these. I recently learned that exAP has moved into a home with new bf and kids nearer to my apartment. I can barely get out the front door.

I have to shop online for just about everything including groceries for fear of bumping into the ugly skank.

Canít go to my favourite beaches as WH took exAP to these.

Canít eat Greek food including Greek yogurt... apart from the skank being Greek the rest I will leave to the imagination. I feel sick at the site of anything Greek.

I HATE Fake Redheads... the sight of red hair makes me nauseous.

Beauty Salons and Gymnasiums... hate the sight of them.

My own car... canít drive it. WHís car, canít sit in it.

I am driving my 12 year old bomb when I get the nerve to go anywhere.

It is pissing me off... I just spent 2 hours trying to buy clothes online only to find my size is out for most things.

Normally I would drive down and grab a few things.

Buying shoes online is near impossible.

I am once again real estate shopping... somewhere far from here.

I now understand why some BSís move States.

Have a great weekend ladies.

leafields posted 3/11/2021 20:49 PM

LadyG, we had the same thoughts today about moving far away. Places my XWH and I went are tainted. AP took a nap on my couch that I'd saved up to get. They took a trip in my car, which is the same make & model as her car - which took me awhile to get. I'm trying to be strong, but it's A season and I'm hurting.

Infidelity sucks. I am enjoying being on my own, but still fighting some battles.

[This message edited by leafields at 8:15 PM, March 14th (Sunday)]

20yrsagoBS posted 3/12/2021 14:58 PM

So how do we go about buying a place far away?


LadyG posted 3/12/2021 18:27 PM

So how do we go about buying a place far away?
working on it...

WH is now reluctant to sell our old house as heís concerned that if we have to split it 50/50 he canít afford to buy an equally nice one in a good location without taking on more debt.

So, the compromise... he keeps it after all the hard work I have put in the past few months fixing it up, ready for sale. (I understand that he is still unwell and isnít ready to move out) so WH will buy me another property, ďfar awayĒ from here as a weekend retreat / future retirement home.

Funny, WH now wants me to be Happy. Wants to do whatever it takes for me to feel safe and secure in my life.

Itís interesting that he never ever considered my wants, needs or happiness during our 32 year marriage, so why now?
I put this question to him.

For 32 years I lived with, ďif you donít like it, you can F*** offĒ
Except that I reminded him that he was the one to ďF*** offĒ several times to another woman during our marriage.

His wants and needs came first and still do... if he wants me to have a place to retreat to, far away from here, I will accept it.

20yrsagoBS posted 3/14/2021 11:46 AM

LadyG,


Hi cannot fathom what itís like to be the caregiver for the Cheater as heís dying


I sincerely hope you get regular breaks away from him

UnstuffedGiraffe posted 3/14/2021 13:40 PM

A few weeks ago things didnít feel right and I went digging. I checked an email address I had forgotten about and found a fake Facebook account and years of emails from dating sites. I like tried to log into the Facebook account, couldnít get in and pretty sure I triggered a notification, the account no longer existed by the time I confronted him in MC. He claims none of it was him someone else must have used his address to sign up for these accounts. Heís basically claiming it all spam. I donít believe itís nothing, not sure what my next step is.

Throwaway999 posted 3/14/2021 14:43 PM

Unstuffed - I was just thinking about you today and wondered how you were doing. Listen to your gut...it may have been old and no longer used, but it most definitely not spam. After DDay when I asked questions, my WH would come up with the lamest explanations and then get angry when I wouldnít believe him. I used to just say...do you really think I am that stupid?

And my WH still gets porn spam...last week there was a different one...one from an escort that was very personal and said they had already met up previously and did they want to again...could be spam. Who knows...at this point I no longer really care.

When you were in the FB and email...did you take screen shots? Was there evidence of recent activity? What did the MC say about it to your WH?

UnstuffedGiraffe posted 3/14/2021 15:52 PM

The dating site email starts very soon after the Facebook account was created. Which is about a year after the first affair ended. Emails slow down during second affair and stop about the same time he shut down his real Facebook account. The last email from Facebook is about 2 weeks before I found the emails and nothing since I tried to log in. After it didnít work in MC we went straight to his computer and tried the same way I originally tried and the account was no longer there. I have pictures of his screen, they look like shit but it works. I donít remember exactly what she said to him before she separated us. She thinks we both need some individual work. He was kind of like a cornered cat, now heís acting like something was resolved and everything is fine.
There are no sent emails to anyone unusual, it looks like that is what the Facebook account was for.

[This message edited by UnstuffedGiraffe at 3:56 PM, March 14th (Sunday)]

Throwaway999 posted 3/14/2021 16:40 PM

So do you think he has been active since your last DDay on dating sites? Do feel he is a safe partner for you now and in the future? He denied they accounts were his...that they were ďhackedĒ I donít know but that seems to me unlikely. What do you want to do? What do you need from him to feel safe again? Maybe a poly?

UnstuffedGiraffe posted 3/14/2021 19:07 PM

So do you think he has been active since your last DDay on dating sites?

I don't know


Do feel he is a safe partner for you now and in the future?

Now, maybe. In the future, not a chance unless he comes completely clean and does a lot of hard dirty work on himself.

He denied the accounts were his...that they were ďhackedĒ I donít know but that seems to me unlikely. What do you want to do? What do you need from him to feel safe again?

I need the full story, no minimizing or omitting. I'm going to need much more convincing proof than someone must have registered with his email. The possibility that it could happen isn't proof that it did. If it's not as bad as I assume it is and he's deleted the proof he's screwed himself. If he suddenly remembers how to access his account and shows me there is nothing there it's meaningless because he's had time to clean it up.

Maybe a poly?

That may be all he has left.

LadyG posted 3/15/2021 00:02 AM

cannot fathom what itís like to be the caregiver for the Cheater as heís dying
it makes you sick to the stomach. Every discussion about the past ends with him screaming the place down. I want to smack him in the head and tape his stupid mouth shut. But I leave instead and he regrets that he lost control.

On Saturday he confessed that he snooped through my phone call logs during our Xmas holiday. Took pics and then called them all. He also called the guy I was seeing for a few weeks last year, just to hear his voice. It is haunting him that the guy is real. I havenít had contact with him since December and donít intend to either.

I do have breaks from WH as he cannot visit my apartment.

This past weekend I switched my phone off, went to a farmerís market on Sunday and stocked up on good food.

He has another 4 weeks of treatment during this cycle...

Throwaway999 posted 3/15/2021 06:32 AM

LadyG - I can so very much relate. Been there...done that. I thought I had already been through troubling times in my life but nothing prepared me for how hard and awful cancer was. And then add in the cheating, hurt and betrayal...it tests you. I have always considered myself a compassionate person but what I went through tested it. I had days were my temper was short...not from caregiver but from the betrayal...as I was also knee deep in discovery mode at the same time.

Having safe space helped me immensely. After I kicked him out of the bedroom due to another lie...I got that. I didnít realize how badly I needed it.

Those were dark days for me...really dark and hard. Watching my kids in pain every day. But I knew there would be an end...I canít imagine doing it long term...I wouldnít have it in me.

I wish you peace.

EllieKMAS posted 3/15/2021 16:18 PM

I don't miss my exdouche at all.

Except for when we get record-breaking blizzard-style snowfall. Got 2+ feet Sat and Sun. Some of the drifts on my property are tit-high!

He sucked at pretty much all the things, but he could be depended on to do all the 'boy' chores like mowing and snow shoveling (you know, if I asked him the right way and he wasn't having a toddler-esque meltdown day But still, he would do it)

I finally got shoveled out earlier today, and I am gonna be hobbled up for a week. It was one of those suuuuper dense heavy spring snows and that shit was heavy!

Hope all you lovelies are having a good Monday!

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